Pastors' Spouses

[Maeyken]

I'm not sure whether this is the right place to post this, but I figured it's as good as any.

I'm just curious about what role your spouse (pastor's spouse that is) takes in your churches.

Does (s)he get involved more than the average church member? Or involved in a different way? Is (s)he treated differently because (s)he is your spouse? (different expectations)

How is (s)he supportive of your ministry?

 

[desi]

Pastor's spouse's role is to quietly question some areas while publically supporting all areas. Its a tough role, especially for a man who finds himself married to a woman in charge of a church. Hopefully you know something the authors of the new testament didn't.

 

[herev]

I'm in an odd situation, in that my wife and I are both pastors--different churches. So our "spouse" roll is quite diluted and pertains mostly to support at home, emotional, moral, building up type support. But we also can help when a nudge is needed to get us off of a particular mindset that may not be helping us in our role as pastor.

Having said all of that, the pastor's spouse is always treated differently than the average church member, most of the time, in ways that are unfair.
God Bless
herev married to a sherev!~

 

[Maeyken]

Thanks for your responses, desi and herev.

The reason I am curious is because my bf is currently studying to become a pastor, and we have started to think about marriage in the future. He grew up with his father being a pastor, and so has some idea of what it's like. I however, have never had that experience and so I am curious. I thought this would be a good place to start asking questions!

 

[alaskamolly]

My husband isn't the head-pastor, but he is on the pastoral staff, and I am his wife! That count?



I guess I'd say it's really hard...a lot harder than I thought it would be.

On the negative side:

You find out all the inner workings of your particular congregation (and then some) and yet can't harbor any bitterness or anger at some of the stupid stuff that goes on...and you also must respect the privacy and thus NEVER vent or share the info with anybody, which sometimes can be really tough!


You get to see your husband loaded down with more work than he can do, and yet have everyone expect that he will do yet more...


You get expected to do some yourself...and there's often this unspoken pressure on you, even if you say no, that you ought to be doing it anyhow...


When you have your vacation time, you need to LEAVE town. Otherwise, it won't be time off. There is no such thing as 'leaving it all at the office.' They'll hunt you down, and the issues and problems and needs NEVER end (and no one realizes that they are the 6th person who's called needing something that day, or that it's your day off and you really need that day off to recooperate)...

You need to be very friendly to everybody, because you have a public position. If you don't say hi to someone or smile at a newcomer, they will sometimes take offense (no, they don't know that you have just smiled at 50 people--if you don't smile at them they will decide you are stuck-up or unfriendly). Not that being friendly is a bad thing...just something you need to realize--people hold you to a higher standard and expect you to notice them, and sometimes aren't very understanding if you go quickly by them (because you are busy doing other things).

You need to be very good about gaurding your family, because it will be under a more severe attack than it was earlier. If the enemy can make a family fall apart, that's great for him...but if he can ruin a spiritual leaders family, that's WAY more effective. So you need to be on gaurd and prepared for a bigger onslaught than "normal."

I guess on the flip side, there are a lot of benefits.

First of all, you get to experience God-at-Work in many first-hand ways. And you get to experience the blessing of bringing forth fruit and watching life grow (which doesn't usually happen right away--it's a process to bring fruit to maturity, during much of which you are learning just as much as everyone else is, maybe more!).

And I'd go on about more, but my little ones just came in from playing outside, so I gotta go! I'm not trying to be overly negative...I'm just trying to show that it's a really big job, and it's WORK. You seriously have to look at your role as ministry just as much as his is.

Ok, gotta boogie!
Love,
Molly

 

[Maeyken]

Thanks, Molly. What you said really makes a lot of sense, and a lot of it was stuff I'd sort of thought about, but didn't really for sure. Don't worry about being negative... I know your intent is not to scare me.
Thanks again!

 

[Cordy]

Some guys in your bf’s position might have the expectation that his marriage and its relationship to the ministry will be similar to his parents, since he is following his father’s steps. I would be careful not to fall into this trap. You two are your very unique people, and will relate and handle things differently. His parents and upbringing can probably provide some good advice and examples for you two, but remember that his parents are humans too, and that you have to work out how to fulfill your own callings yourselves.

 

[alaskamolly]

It really does, which I didn't have time to type the other day, depend a LOT on the particular church. Some treat their pastors really well, and some are heartache from day one...and most are somewhere in-between.

I think it's really wonderful, in some respects, because I myself have a big heart to see the Church grow into who She is called to be, and in being the wife of a shepherd, I can help encourage and support and work side-by-side with one who has that same heart. That part is wonderful.

A wife can make or break a man, really, and it goes DOUBLE for a man who pastors. She can help him be all that God has made him to be, or she can "drip drip drip" on him and push him down. I've seen a lot of both, and I know what catagory I want to be found in!

Warm Regards,
Molly

 

[Maeyken]

Thanks, mbams. I know that is something that everyone needs to deal with (parent's relationships), and I can see how it might be even more prominent in a situation like this. Thanks for pointing it out.

And thanks again Molly, for speaking from experience. In some ways, I look forward to being in such a position, but at the same time it is also a rather intimidating prospect. I guess I just want to have some idea of what I am getting into, so that I can be better prepared. I like to go into a discussion with some idea of what's going on, since I need to think things over (sometimes a lot!) in order to know what I think of something, and how to communicate that effectively! (what I say is not always what I mean, especially if I have not thought about it before)

So I guess all this rambling on here today is just to say thanks to everyone, and that if you've got any more advice or info you feel like sharing, it is definitely welcome!

 

[JC 101 FM]

I've got you all beat!



My wife's a youth pastor and I'm a DJ on the Christian Station here in Ottawa. Not to scare you or anything but I haven't seen any benefits to this. She got fired from her first job because of my lack of involvement in the church (I'm on the air from 3pm-9:30pm Mon-Fri which is when all the social stuff happens). At her new church they knew going into this I wouldn't be around except for Sunday morning. All I really do is smile and make nice with everyone. Sometimes I feel like I'm running for public office with all the nicey nice I have to make. I basically just listen to her problems she's having and offer a solution and that's about it. I really don't get that involved. I barely know anyone at the church and we've been going about 2 months now.


Bottem line...don't sweat until he puts a ring on your finger.

 

[Maeyken]

JC 101 FM,To me it sounds as though you have a very negative view of being a pastor's spouse. I am sorry that you and your wife have had some difficult experiences. I am curious as to why you are not involved at your current church. Is it because of your job, because you don't want to be, because you don't feel welcome, or ?

 

[JC 101 FM]

there isn't many church activities that go on at 10pm after i finish work, so yes...it's my job.

 

[PastorSherm]

my wife is VERY active in my ministry. She is so supportive of me. She helps me prepare my sermons(mainly spell checking lol). I run ideas by her. She helps me with my sunday school classes. She sings on the praise team and helps teach Jr. Church.