Parents...

[fluffy_rainbow]

I was just curious as to how many of the courting/engaged people on here are in a relationship your parents don't (or didn't) approve of? I have a few questions, actually:

1. If they didn't approve, what were their reasons?
2. Did they ever tell you things like, "it's your heartache", "it's your problem", "he/she is not the one for you", "you're going to be sorry", etc.?
3. How did you deal with the adversity?
4. Did it cause problems within the relationship such as acceptance issues or doubt?
5. Are we obligated, as adults, to honor our parents' opinions even if their line of reasoning is superficial?
6. If so, does that mean we should end a relationship our parents do not approve of?
7. When our marriage vows say, "foresaking all others", does that include family?
8. Can a parent, having never met a person, honestly and correctly judge whether or not a person is right for you based upon circumstances alone?
9. Are there any passages of Scripture that helped you and your SO get through the temultuous times?
10. Did you give up a relationship with your family to pursue a relationship with the one you love?

 

[Maeyken]

Wow, that's a lot of questions you've got there!! Fortunately, my parents and sisters like my bf, and his family likes me too, so I've never had to deal with any of those questions.

In regards to your q#5, I think that if our parents have good reasons for their opinions about our relationships, we should listen to and consider their concerns. Regarding "superficial reasoning", I am not quite sure what you mean, but I guess to me, if it were an issue of something they have no real evidence to back it up with, they just feel that way "because", then I would have trouble taking that advice seriously. It also makes a difference whether your parents are Christian or not, and whether their concerns come from God or from their own ideas.

Your q#7, I think family is very important, and those relationships should last forever. But, if your family is not in agreement with your marriage and you have chosen to go ahead with it (One situation I can think of is interracial relationships where parents don't approve because of racism), then I think that you should maintain the relationship with your family as best you can, but keep the relationship with your spouse as #1 (well, after your relationship with God)

#8- without meeting a person, I think it is very hard to judge, but sometimes you can tell based on the experiences of the person you know (ex. if the person is describing behaviours of the other person which are abusive)

Hopefully other people who have been in the situation you describe will respond with better advice, from "being there".

 

[MagicStar723]

Currently going through that with my parents. They are constantly talking down my relationship and they are very superficial and are "Christians" they just don't always walk the talk.

 

[InTheFlame]

I believe that it's important to pay close attention to what your parents have to say about your relationships, and to ask further questions. Try to understand why they have the opinion that they do. Let's face it, they're a lot older than you, they've had a lot more life experience AND relationship experience, and there's probably a lot you can learn.

DON'T just accept whatever they say as gospel, though. The bible says to test any teaching we receive, and I think that applies to advice from parents just as much as from other sources. Sometimes people don't put all their experience to much good, mentally speaking! But don't just throw it out because you don't agree with it, either. Be very careful as soon as you feel yourself getting defensive - there's likely to be a nugget of truth in what someone's said to get that reaction. Seek out that bit of truth, face and fix the problem it's pointing to. Read a lot of books, talk to a lot of people (whose relationships you would like to emulate) to get their opinion on the issues your parents have brought up. Too often I see young christians fall into two equally-damaging traps - either believing what they're told without thinking it through carefully, or acting out of pride and assuming that because they're 'in love', they know best. I say that both of these are equally damaging because I've seen marriages on the brink of disaster (or beyond) because of both...

God bless

 

[Sara986]

I have a question regarding this topic that I have always wondered about...What if the reason your parents don't approve has nothing to do with who the person is now, but who they WERE? I have been raised in the church my entire life and have often wondered what my parents would do if I met somebody who once lived in sin but now has now turned his life around and is living for Christ?

Just an example of superficial reasoning, I guess. What would be the correct way to handle this situation with parents?

 

[Glorianna]

We have more in common than you can imagine fluffy_rainbow. My parents, or most of my relatives for that matter, don't really approve of my relationship with Clay, my fiance. It's definitely hard.

1. If they didn't approve, what were their reasons?
They think that I'm too young to get married. They want me to finish university first (and preferably Clay too, but at least one of us). They don't think Clay shows enough motivation and will never accomplish anything in life. They don't approve of how we met (on CF).

2. Did they ever tell you things like, "it's your heartache", "it's your problem", "he/she is not the one for you", "you're going to be sorry", etc.?
Oh yes, most definitely. It seems like they are doing their best to discourage me. They're always saying things like "you're making a big mistake," "you're going to regret this," etc.

3. How did you deal with the adversity?
It is one of the most difficult things that I've ever dealt with but I am just taking it in, trying to listen to their advice but not get discouraged about my relationship with Clay. I find that talking to him about how I'm feeling really helps me because he encourages me.

4. Did it cause problems within the relationship such as acceptance issues or doubt?
Yes, at times it causes doubts. But after I talk with Clay about how I feel we both feel better about things and don't really doubt anymore.

5. Are we obligated, as adults, to honor our parents' opinions even if their line of reasoning is superficial?
I don't think we need to do what our parents tell us to do. But we should listen to their advice and take it into consideration if nothing else.

6. If so, does that mean we should end a relationship our parents do not approve of?
Definitely not. Do what you feel 1) God is leading you to do and 2) will make you happy. Don't worry about your parents. It's your life not theirs. They will come around eventually.

7. When our marriage vows say, "foresaking all others", does that include family?
It just means that your spouse is the most important person in your life and you will place him or her second after God.

8. Can a parent, having never met a person, honestly and correctly judge whether or not a person is right for you based upon circumstances alone?
Definitely not. Nor can they judge a person after only being with them for a week. That's what my parents are doing but they don't even really know Clay.

9. Are there any passages of Scripture that helped you and your SO get through the temultuous times?
So many passages that I don't even remember all of them! Just read your Bible and you'll come across them.

10. Did you give up a relationship with your family to pursue a relationship with the one you love?
No and I definitely won't. If our relationship ends it will be their choice and not mine.