Highlighter,
I understand when you say:
HighLighter said:
please save the "they are in a better place..." type of stuff. that does not help. .
You have suffered an enormous blow. It is not just grief and sorrow that you are struggling with, but feelings of anger, hate and retribution that uncontrollably penetrate into our minds in such situations. Your loss is not just a question of dealing with a death - you are going through a crisis in your life. That is why these placatory types of statements don't do anything for you except aggravate the pain even more.
A crisis means the end to our former way of life and the start of something new that is unknown and unprepared for. The only thing that we know for sure is that life as we knew it has been wrenched out of our hands and smashed to pieces in an instance, without the slightest warning. It is a major, major, major upheaval and requires the greatest sensitivity and care for a long, long time.
The first stage in such situations, where people die totally unexpectedly, is shock. People react in very different ways when first hit with the news. But after the initial shock period comes a much longer period of questioning and wrestling with our emotions and feelings. In this stage we are not interested in hearing that "life goes on" or "they are in a better place". Our own future is not what concerns us right now, nor are we prepared to be contented with empty platitudes.
What we need is to go through the process of dealing with our emotions, especially those concerning, for example, anger and retaliation which we don't even want to feel but can't avoid and which only serve to make the whole situation even more painful than it already is. Sometimes, we can feel anger and frustration so strongly that we don't even recognise ourselves in them. We have never felt emotions like these so strongly before and it can even be a very scary and deeply unsettling experience. There is no short-term remedy for this stage. It needs careful and thorough handling and support. Sometimes married couples can cope by supporting and helping each other. Sometimes family and close friends are enough. Occasionally, a member of the church can help if they have been trained for this (not as common as one might assume!). But often it also requires profession help to open up and deal with destructive emotions.
Whilst it is perfectly normal to also feel negative things like anger, spite and hatred in reaction to the extreme injustice of having one's loved ones torn away from oneself, there is also the danger that if these are not handled properly anger can eventually turn to self-pity and hatred to bitterness. People can become locked into these destructive emotions for the rest of their lives. I am certainly not saying, Highlighter, that you are suffering from these emotions, I am only trying to draw an overall picture of the depths and extent of the tragedy that you have suffered and the care and love and help that you need and deserve to come through it.
Following these first stages in a crisis there does come a time when new directions and openings start to appear and we do find ourselves moving into a new life, with new meaning and depth to it. But I won't say more about that right now unless you want to discuss it.
What I have tried to communicate here is that what you are going through, although deeply traumatic, painful and full of uncertainty and new feelings, is both normal and essential, and requires great understanding and help from all those close to you.
