Parents disapproval...

[dusky_tresses]

hi,

I am Christian and my family is not Christian. I am the only Christian in my family and I do not cling too much to many of their beliefs, especially ones regrading race and culture. My boyfriend is white and a Christian. I have seriously had to sneak around just to see him and spend time with him. We both are in school and get to see each other a couple times a week, however when I'm not in class I will usually tell my parents that I am "at work" or "studying" or some other thing like that....

The thing is, I can't keep this up anymore!! I am sick of having to sneak around and tell lies and I feel bad about it. But what I'm scared of is what my parents will say/do/think when they find out my boyfriend is white and is a Christian. They have a lot of rigid rules regarding "purity of race" and "kind". They also loathe Christianity and basically resent the fact that I am true to my beliefs and I won't go along with what they want and believe in their religion.

Another reason why I am scared to tell them anything is because they have been abusive towards me physically and emotionally in the past, but they arent anymore. But I feel that this may trigger something again and I dont want to go through that. I still live at home because they would go insane if I moved out and they are very restrictive over what they feel women are and can and cant do.

I can tell that my boyfriend is beginning to want to get to the point of meeting them and we both dont like having to do our sneaking around but I am REALLY worried and even scared about what is gonna happen. Another thing I am worried about is that they will force me to break up with him and then force me into an arranged marriage to someone of their religion.

This guy Im dating is my first real boyfriend and I am very much in love with him. Even if we do break up, I still want to be able to know that the reason we did wasn't cause of my parents, because I know that if my parents caused us to, I wouldnt be able to even be friends with him again.

I am VERY confused about this. I've prayed about it, my boyfriend and I have both gone to church and prayed about it but I am feeling this mixture of uncertainty, worry, fear, and who knows what else!!! If anyone has any idea of what I should, please let me know.

Thanks! This site is great

 

[Pope Gonzo]

Maybe you could use revealing your boyfriend to your family as an opportunity to talk to them about God and how in God's eyes, we're all human

As hard as it is to say, my opinion is that honoring parents is honoring parents, Christian or not. The prayer you've been doing is an awesome and vital first step, but keep the prayer up while you talk to them.

You could even talk to them about God, and bring up the boyfriend in that convo.

But you know your family better than I do, so it's your call

 

[bliz]

First, what is it you are going to tell your parents? That you have been dating this guy? That you will be dating him? That you would like their permission to date him? That you would like them to meet him?

Second, you need to decide what your position will be to their possible reactions and have discussed them with your boyfriend in advance. He deserves to know, for example, that if they disapprove, the relationship is off. Or, if they disapprove, you will still see him or whatever...

If they tell you that you can see him no longer, what will you do?

If they arrange a marriage for you, what will you do?

If they kick you out of the home, what will you do?

If they disown you, what will you do?

Third, give them time to react. Walking in the door and saying "I'd likke you to meet my boyfriend." gives them no time to react and accept (hopefully). Tell them in advance that you are (however you choose to package it) bring home a friend you would like them to meet, bringing over a boyfriend, a classmate, future spouse... and he's a white Christian. Almost everyone reacts better to upsetting news when they have had a little time to let it sink in.

Personally, I'd do step 3 in writing, when they will have time to think about it and talk about it together, but you know them best. In writing one can say how much you appreciate all they have done for you, how you wish to honor them and not upset them but that you know they may have a hard time with this...

Above all, ask Christian you know to be in prayer for at least a week in advance. If you don't wish to share details, ask them to pray for you and your relationship with your parents. Ask them to pray that your parents hearts will be open.

 

[dusky_tresses]

What I would tell my parents is that I have a boyfriend who happens to be a white Christian.

First of all I would also like to mention that my parents are very against basically much of everything that I do but what I am mostly concerned about is their reaction and what will continue to happen after their initial reaction. My boyfriend and I have already discussed the possibilities of what will happen but the LAST thing I want to have happen is become abused again because of this trigger.

My parents disapprove of my religious choice, my academic choice, my choice of friends, even food so telling them that I am going to continue to see my boyfriend would elicit the same reaction as above. And also I would rather have them kick me out of the house because I can already tell that I am not wanted there.

Unfortunately it is REALLY hard for me to honor my parents because my relationship with them is not the best because of the abuse from the past.

This is actually an issue which is a little more complex because lots of other issues tie in and make this worse than it needs to be.

But my main worry is that mentally, I will not be able to withstand any verbal abuse and I'll give it to whatever they want, even discontinue being a Christian. That is NOT what I want but my parents are very good at getting me to a certain mental mindset where Im most vulnerable, and reaping the benefits from it.

All I want is peace for myself and with my family.

 

[superfly]

hmmm... sometimes the best way to deal with a situation like yours is to actually move out.

i had a few counselling sessions with my minister a few years ago, because my dad has basically abused me emotionally... nothing really too hectic, but enough that i really have to work hard to keep myself in check, not become irrational or emotionally unstable.

the most shocking thing for me was that my minister told me that the best thing that i could do at that stage was to move out from my parents' house. it wasn't the answer i was expecting.

now that i have been living by myself for over 2 years now, i can say that i'm much more positive and emotionally stable than i used to be. i actually moved to another town - that's where my job was.

and one side effect of that is that there is now more peace between my father and myself than there used to be. we used to fight all the time, and now we hardly fight (well, because we hardly see each other).

so although it may seem like you're running away, it may actually be better for both you and your family if you move out.

but keep on praying and i pray that the Lord will show you the way. it probably won't be easy, but He will be with you the whole way. "abide in Me, and I will abide in you"

 

[bliz]

Browneyes -

Given what you have said in your second post, maybe it's time that you move out. The clearly will not like that, but they will not like this boyfriend very much either. It is not acceptable to have you live in fear of abuse. Maybe you can find a room through someone at your church.

 

[dusky_tresses]

That's the thing-- I have tried to move out before in the past, but that just made my family freak out to no end believe it or not. To my parents me doing that would be seen as shameful, and so would me being with my boyfriend along with me being a Christian. I've talked to other Christians who have been in my boat too but luckily their circumstances werent as severe as mine are.

I have always been told that I need to regard my parents no matter what, even if they are abusive and even if they arent Christian and insist that I go to their temple and worhsip their gods. I guess right now what I need is enough strength to be able to know that I can get through what will come to pass mentally and spiritually.

 

[sweetmercy]

Oh, sweetie, my heart hurts for you. I also fear for you...just recently in my area, a girl was killed by her Sikh father for dating a white man. I don't know your parents, and I may be way off-base, but that's the first thing I thought as I read your post. Please, be very, very careful, as well as very prayerful.
I don't quite get why you can't move out. Would they physically stop you? What if they didn't know until you were actually gone? Then they can't stop you. Depending on what you think your parents would do, it might be a good idea not to tell them right away where you're living. Aw, hon, this must be so hard. But just remember that even when we face trials and persecution, God is with you. In fact, it is a privilage to suffer for Christ. I'll pray for you!
God bless,
Jen

 

[California Dreamin']

I can sort of relate. I am a Christian and my family isn't, it can be very hard. my mother says she does pray but that is about it and i don't know what she is praying to. in my situation, my mom hates every guy i meet and now i have a boyfriend and i have had to tell my mom we are just friends.

 

[dusky_tresses]

Is moving out really going to solve the problem? or is it just going to be a case of running away?

What I am so concerned with is trying to maintain a neutral or even calm environment when my parents initially react. I have thought of inviting friends over, along with my boyfriend and just casually hanging out while one of my parents is home so they can see what my friends and boyfriend are like.

I don't think that my parents would kill me....but my parents have said death threats to me in the past and always tell me Im causing their patience to break.

 

[Southern Cross]

Moving out is a choice - you are intentionally walking away, not running away. Big difference.

Your Christian faith should be the foundation of your relationship with your parents. But if they don't know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, you need to make some hard decisions. You are commanded to honor your parents, but you need to determine what boundaries will be in pace as part of that commitment and then stick to your guns regardless if you have a boyfriend or not. Will you eventually marry an unbeleiver because your parents don't agree with the Christian faith?

You are 21 and an adult. You need to think through what honoring them means. Does it mean that you drop dating a great Christian guy that you obviously like a great deal so that you can date a nonChristian guy of the same race that your parents approve of? No way. You can love your parents, and offer them the respect they deserve, but you need to draw the line somewhere. If I were you, I'd break the news gently and just live your life. If they have a problem with it, then it's their problem, not yours.

I know a young Korean woman who met and fell in love with a white guy and they eventually got married. Her parents totally disapproved and cut off communications and didn't attend the wedding. Money that she earned and deposited into a joint checking/savings account disappeared when they cut her off financially as well. So you need to be prepared to NOT back down, even if that means you need to move out (hint, if you have financial assets that you earned in joint accounts with your parents, find out if you can move them to your own account).

I also know a woman who insisted on marrying her boyfriend who was in a differnt social class than her family was accustomed to. They literally disowned her. She is now 40 years old and her parents have refused to speak to her or initiate contact for over a decade.

So, as far fetched as this may seem, are you prepared for your parents to cut you off? If not, then I suggest you think about it and prepare for the worst case scenario.

 

[Grishnak]

Is moving out really going to solve the problem? or is it just going to be a case of running away?

What I am so concerned with is trying to maintain a neutral or even calm environment when my parents initially react. I have thought of inviting friends over, along with my boyfriend and just casually hanging out while one of my parents is home so they can see what my friends and boyfriend are like.

I don't think that my parents would kill me....but my parents have said death threats to me in the past and always tell me Im causing their patience to break.

If anyone ever actaully verbalizes a threat of death against someone they supposedly ''love'', it needs to be taken very seriously.

Even as a young child I only once used the word ''hate'' against someone, and I felt so horrid after that at 7 years of age I vowed to never tell anyone I hated them ever again and at 40 I never have again in my life.

When we can use words like ''hate'' against another we're supposed to love, and if we're capable of actaully threatening this person we ''love'' with any sort of real violence, in the end we are most likely capable of carrying that behavior out.

The mouth is a gateway to the soul.
Surely we can control our actions when we have our wits about us, but when a man loses his temper and can threaten his own daughter with violence then his words need to be heeded and beleved.

If his heart is that voilent, then in a moment of rage he could very well do as threatened.

Im not sure what religion your parents are, but you cannot live your life in fear of them.

If it were me, and I mean ME....this is not advice telling you what you should do, if it were me and I was going through this, I think Id move out in quiet at some point when theyre gone and theyd not hear from me until I was safely out of reach.

 

[dusky_tresses]

"If it were me, and I mean ME....this is not advice telling you what you should do, if it were me and I was going through this, I think Id move out in quiet at some point when theyre gone and theyd not hear from me until I was safely out of reach."


Trust me I have already done that...but they were still able to find me and they stalked me at my school.

 

[lady_of_god]

Trust me I have already done that...but they were still able to find me and they stalked me at my school.

I think that you will be able to safely move away from your parents when you are ready to. You just have to pray your way out of this situation and the Lord will provide a safe haven for you.

The thing is when you move, you have can't just leave, you have to leave with Jesus protecting and providing for you. When you believe in Jesus you can do the impossible and trust me you can do it. Just ask the Lord to tell you when and how, and just like that, you will see something posted on the bulletinboard for example asking for an extra female roomate, and then the Lord will lay in your parents heart to let you go (or not touch or say anything to you) they won't understand what's come over themselves, but then you'll will be able to leave safely.


I know what it is to have control parents, but you can do anything with the Lord help. The Lord over rules everything (even your parents). Your on the right path and in the right faith. You have to do what is necessary to follow Jesus.

-Lady.

 

[Grishnak]

Trust me I have already done that...but they were still able to find me and they stalked me at my school.

Let me get this straight.

Your parent stalked you at your school and made you return home with threats?

Were you over 18 at the time?

If so, you might want to think about getting the police involved.

These people sound like theyre going to let you go only so far, then may be very well capable of carrying out these threats theyve voiced if you end up trying to marry someone they dont like.

Im a man and would be much more likely to make life a living nightmare for someone who did what youre describing, so I dont think Id have to live in fear like it seems you may end up having to.
But fear or no fear, you cannot let your parents ''religion'' drive you from christianity or from having a good, godly spouse later on.

Honoring your parents does not include allowing them to destroy your life.
Much better to have a short life happy and honoring God, than to cater to parents who seem more like the Mansion family than the Brady Bunch.

Sis, youre of age.
You may have to take a firm stand and be willing to do what you have to to break away and be on your own.

 

[dusky_tresses]

Someone here mentioned to me that God would show me and present to me an opportunity to move out. And I think this weekend He did show me something, but it didn't involve moving out. It was more of a family revealing thing....let's just say that it has provided me with a way to help my understanding of my parents improve and also allow them to do the same for me, too.

This is really going to sound strange but as mentally unbalanced my parents sound, I think the real issue lies within my parents communication with one another. I know that people think I'm crazy or stupid for not moving out, but I have always believed that God put me in my family for a higher, positive purpose that I am beginning to understand. I know for a fact that if I really try, I could have my dad understand what I'd like to tell him in regards to my life and my lovelife in general. Unfortunately my mother is very very stringent about her own cultural and religious norms and is very good at getting my dad to side with her, which isn't ever anything positive.

I know that many people believe that I should move out and my parents still have the potential to be abusive and have been in the past but I've recently spoken with another person who converted to a Christian from my culture (Southeast Asian). From what he told me, the best thing that I need to do is try to show my parents that I honor them and will submit to them to an extent. And also, he doesn't believe that moving out would solve anything, in fact it would just make things worse. My parents are Hindu and what he told me is that I've got to try to create a cultural bridge for a healthy understanding area to form, this way they can get past the religious aspect. Oh, I know my parents will never agree with a Christian faith but what I'd like for them to do is respect that.

What I would ALSO like for them to respect is my relationship. I will only date Christians because there will be a potential to marry however I don't know what race they will be of. I didn't know that my boyfriend was going to be white, but he is Catholic and has been helping me with my faith (Im sorta a new Christian) and if we marry in the future, I want him to be my spiritual leader, not another man who isn't Christian. I guess I really shouldn't focus so much on the aspect of them loving every bit of him, but I would like them to respect him and in the future see that he is a man who loves me and cares about me. I know that I could easily have my dad understand me here.....but I know that my mother would probably try to destroy that, too.

I guess what I am really afraid of is knowing that my parents have the potential or abilities to drive my relationship apart (I can tell there is some stress about my parents), and that potential worries me because it can cause LOTS of problems in the future. I know that honoring my parents doesn't mean letting them destroy my life but I want them to understand and respect my life and I don't want to cause them emotional upheavel and I want that to end in my family. I know moving out isn't going to do any good....it's been taking a while but I think God has been showing me the signs but I'm just not sure what to do next.