Parents and children

[rom4child]

[FONT=&quot]What is the ideal relationship between parents and children? This relationship should be more severe, parents imposing their terms automatically, or should it be a friendship? In the latter case, if the child benefit from parents' indulgence and do something stupid? I know that the situation varies from case to case, but I speak in general. My wife and I get ready to be parents, by adoption, for the first time, and therefore we want more opinions. So, what do you think?[/FONT]

 

[b.hopeful]

I think extremes are dangerous...in all things...and especially in parenting.

I'm middle of the road....I call it the benevolent dictator,lol. I do decide the rules(when I use I, I'm including my dh...but I really take the lead in childrearing). I value their input and listen to their complaints but it doesn't mean the rules change because they are questioned. Sometimes their input sways me...other times not. They do have the freedom to respectfully campaign for their position. However, I expect the decision to be ultimately respected...meaning carried out....even while they continue to campaign for some change. Basically, I don't tell them to shut up, put up and take it. I try to remember the bigger picture.....self confident productive adults with a good moral compass. If you always steer them, how do they learn to read a map? One example....the cell phone. She wanted one in 6th grade. We said no...not now. We loaned her mine for a few outings and the screen was cracked. So we told her...that's not showing you are responsible...let's wait and try again. All the while she's giving us input on why she should get a cell phone RIGHT NOW,lol. We said we would consider it at Christmas. She came back to us again and made some excellent points about why it's nice to have during the school year. Things like...keeps the house phone from ringing all the time(a true annoyance if you have preteens/teens), handy for after school activities (like band and student council), she won't need to borrow mine(she used it when she went to the mall or skating or riding bikes with friends), she walks alone to the bus stop some mornings...just some good points to consider. Dh and I discussed it and she got one before school started. She made her case and waiting didn't make sense to us anymore. However, simply demanding one or whining about one would've delayed it indefinitely.


As far as friends....I don't want to be a friend but I want my children to trust me and value my opinion so they will come to me. I also want them to enjoy my company so they will seek out a connection and it won't be forced. I do this by engaging in activities they enjoy and doing special things for them. My daughter Grace LOVES Starbucks...so on Saturday I woke her up at 7am while the younger ones slept and we grabbed some Starbucks and hit two yard sales in our neighborhood. We were home by 9 am. We "hung out". It's about balance,imo.

My kids are 12, 9 and 6 so I'm starting to see some fruits of my labor. Preteen years are upon us and I have no complaints. I have a healthy happy well grounded 7th grade daughter....so far, it's working for us.

I'm not big on parenting books......but there are 2 books that I have recommended for years and years. I truly swear by them. Dh and I were foster parents and these books are invaluable no matter what the make up of your family is. Same authors...2 different books....one is How To Talk So Kids Will Listen,How To Listen So Kids Will Talk, ...and the other one, in case you add another child to the mix....Siblings Without Rivalry. I adore them both.....just great books. Short reads...right to the point...not a lot of parenting philosophy just scenarios and responses that work.

Congrats on impending parenthood...what an exciting journey!

 

[Birbitt]

Personally for me parenting isn't about forcing my child to do as I wish. I teach my children right from wrong, and that when we make bad choices there are consequences. I will make my child do something only if it's a necessary thing like avoiding a strange dog, or taking a bath...however if there is a way to allow my child to feel more in control of the situation I will do that for example if I know my child needs to get clean I will give him the choice of taking a bath or a shower...this lets him feel like he can do something himself and he can make a choice. I am NOT my child's best friend, but that doesn't mean that he has to always do exactly as I wish either. My children make many choices and as they get older they get to make more choices the bottom line for us is that if you make the wrong choice based on the morals and values I have taught you then there is a consequence to that action. Does that help?

I did read one parenting book that I really liked and I mostly agreed with here's a link to the book. http://www.amazon.com/Best-Parenting-Ways-Ruin-Child/dp/0971576505

 

[b.hopeful]

Excellent post Birbitt!

As for discipline...we are big on natural consequences. I told my daughter to get a bath Tuesday...she asked to wait until Wednesday...fine. Well, last night was bath night so she had to come in earlier and she missed out on playing with a friend that she doesn't get to play with often.(a neighbor's granddaughter) I felt bad...but she put it off and it bit her in the behind,lol. Choices are such great learning tools.

Clothing is a prime example for us. I set the basic rules....I don't want to see butt cheeks hanging out....weather appropriate....clean...but within those rules they have choices. As long as it's not picture day ...they wear what they like...no matter if it makes my eyes cross or not,lol.

 

[suzybeezy]

Congrats on the upcoming adoption! I'm an adoptive parent to my 2 youngest so if ya ever need an advice, feel free to send me a private message.

I think when your children are little, you can't really be friends. When they're adults, sure! But just last night my 20 year old son told me "You're such a parent!" in a huff. I just laughed, thinkin' yeah duh! cause despite his age, he's still acts like a kid and thus still needs me in parent mode. Now with my parents, I'm 40ish and they're in their 70s and our relationships as developed more into friendship. The parent child dynamic changes and evolves as we grow.

 

[myanchor]

Okay so you want to know if one of you is to be the drill sergeant parent and one of you is to be the helicopter parent? No wait, that's what we did in reaction to one another with our first two and boy was it a mess when they could split us. Nope niether one. Both of you need to be on the same page at all times and don't let the little darlings split you. Our third once came in and asked me if she could do something. I just happened to ask her if she had asked her mom, and she said yes. I then asked what mom said. She told her yes she could do it. I then asked is that the answer you wanted. She said yes, I then asked why are you shopping for answers when you have the one you want. Do you want me to say no? She got this funny look on her face and said no. I said well go to it and don't shop for answers anymore. Oy!

 

[b.hopeful]

Good point myanchor!

When the kids come to us with a request for permission, our first question to them is "are you backdooring your mom/dad?" ....meaning, did you ask the other parent and get an answer you didn't like? They learned early on that it was a huge no-no and they would NEVER get a good answer if they practiced that....so they don't anymore. Be a united front....it is good for the kids and for the marriage,imo.