Parenting styles of quiverfull families????

[Katydid]

Ok so this is a get to know you thread. Just give an idea as to what tools you use for parenting. Please don't debate merits or anything. I am simply trying to get to know everyone.

Ok so we were very Dobson style until a few months ago. Now we are more Grace-based.

 

[ACADEMIC]

When our first was just born, Gary & Anne Marie Ezzo happened to come to our church and taught parent-controlled feeding, sort of a middle-road between schedule and demand feeding based upon grace. Soon afterward, we read Families Where Grace Is in Place by Jeff VanVonderen and it had a profound effect on our lives.

So, grace-based, but that does not mean we do not dare to discipline Dobson-style when it is called for.

And just a pragmatic approach. I really like Kevin Lehman's ideas of what he calls "reality discipline". Here is an example of how that has worked in our family.

One night, when we only had our two youngest (less than 2 years apart), they were both repeatedly contesting that it was time to go to to bed.

So I gave them what they wanted. Only, I made them go and stay out on the cold porch.

About 10 minutes later they were banging on the door, shivering, begging to get into their nice warm beds.

 

[Jehane]

Um, I'm almost afraid to admit it but we're pretty laid-back. We talk a lot so the kids know where we stand on things & they are free to question & debate in a sensible manner. We've tried to 'work to their strengths' rather than shove square pegs into round holes. They're all pretty sane individuals; their mum I'm not so sure about...

Oh, & we got boys first so lots of physical freedom (safely possible where we live) so logical consequences well in place - forget to put the bungs in=boat at the bottom of the bay, defrost your bait on the porch=the cat nicking it - competitive sport as they got older. Ours needed it; borderline ADHD & they were pretty good so good for their self esteem.

Lastly they were really practical kids so lots of life competency skills early on - fires in their own fire-pit, fishing knives & rods, cooking (both on the stove & campfire style) building skills.

 

[oliveplants]

I'd be hard pressed to peg us as a 'style.' I'm familiar with Dobson, but don't agree with all he has to say. Really like Doug Philips of Vision Forum...

We do most of our living together, not all fragmented off to different activities. Homeschool, all in church together. We have Bible study and singing and memory verses every night. I try to help the children follow Daddy and bless him and help him.

From what I remember of the Ezzo's book, most of that made sense. The only thing that didn't work was feeding; my babies need to eat more often than that. And I am more relaxed about schedules.

We are fairly strict about outside influences. We try to keep the children in line, but they have lots of fun, too.

Dh is home so I'm off. Cya tomorrow.

 

[ACADEMIC]

My wife was about to "lose it" while doing Child Demand Feeding. As it turns out, son #1 had gotten in the habit of snacking, since snacks were always available every 2 hours with a loud cry.

When we first went to grace-based parent cotrolled feeding - which is different from legalistic scheduled feeding - he cried like he was going to die for about 45 minutes then slept for 2.5 hours, ugh, and we had to resist the urge to "rescue" based upon emotions but evaluated the cry rationally with our heads. That was 4.5 hours between feedings, his first going so long.

When he awoke, he basically nursed my medium breast-sized wife dry. Afterward, he took full bf meals and not snacks anymore and my wife could regain her sanity and some of her life. My wife dealt with engorgement for a few days as her body adjusted to the timing of our son taking meals and not snacks, but it was over soon anough. Doing this, our son slept through the night at about 7 or 8 months.

I loved one of the Ezzos' basic messages: Assuming some reasonable adjustments, a child is to foremost fit into his or her parent's world, not vice-versa, and that this actually helps the child better do so after more advanced cognitive functions entered the picture later in life. Not doing so can sometimes even be idolatry, and it threatens the putting of the marriage first. Tough but true words, I think.

 

[AutumnDreamer]

I am totally against Ezzo, and Parent controlled feeding, and everything else he spews. My parenting style if any would be attachment parenting, my kids all ate on demand whether I was nursing or bottlefeeding, none of them were fat, they all made their own schedule and the only one that ate every two hours for most of her first year was our last, but she has digestive issues. I will be honest that I did everything based on my own instincts, I had a lot of cycle breaking when it came to my kids.

 

[Katydid]

Well, as far as infants go. Since we are including that , we are AP. We co-sleep, feed on-demand, babywearing, and no cry-it-out. This is a huge shift for us from our first child. But, we kind of grew into this. So, for our first, we were more like Ezzo, at first, and gave up because our son was just SOOOOO hungry all the time. Scheduling didn't work. Then my second, got really sick from GroupB strep, she got sepsis. Ended up hospitalized. So when she got better, of course, I couldn't nurse her anymore (I went dry while she was getting sicker before we got her admitted for it) so we made up by co-sleeping and such. And now with the third, it is just easier to go with the flow for us. It seems natural for our family. Though, I am sure some would go nuts with our method .

OOOh but maybe WE are nuts.

 

[AutumnDreamer]

Our youngest was so high maintaince(I can not for the life of me figure out how to spell this word LOL) LOL I di dnot co sleep with the first two, with her it was out of neccessity, she was my only child that didn't have night tremors at a year old. She slept with us until she was 4, I wore her until she was four, I was able to cloth diaper her, Dh was thrilled about it with the other two, but when she hit 1, all diapers had now become cloth like, and she was allergic to something in them, I will cloth diaper any more we have. I never let any of my kids cry it out, believe me they cried, but never alone. Sometimes people including babies just need to cry, but I always held them through it.

 

[Jehane]

Co-sleeping worked for us too. Our youngest was always terrified of the dark & was nearly 10 before she moved permanently into her own bed. She'd put herself to bed in our bed with the light on but it wouldn't be unusual for me to find her still awake (but good as gold, in bed with her eyes shut tight) when I went up. She's never needed much sleep but is easily overstimulated & has a hyperactive imagination. She really needed extraordinary amounts of physical contact & co-sleeping was the only managable way to achieve that.

 

[AutumnDreamer]

She really needed extraordinary amounts of physical contact & co-sleeping was the only managable way to achieve that.

This was my daughter, she had to be touching me somewhere, even if it was only a finger LOL

 

[oliveplants]

I loved one of the Ezzos' basic messages: Assuming some reasonable adjustments, a child is to foremost fit into his or her parent's world, not vice-versa, and that this actually helps the child better do so after more advanced cognitive functions entered the picture later in life. Not doing so can sometimes even be idolatry, and it threatens the putting of the marriage first. Tough but true words, I think.

I very much agree with this. Our family is child friendly but not at all child centered.

I'm glad the co-sleeping works for you guys, but I could never do that. I actually got close this morning; it was our first cold day and the heater didn't come on (we didn't know it was gas and had to be lit)... when DD woke up at 6 to eat she was freezing. So when she was finished I just held her on my lap, under the covers, and dozed off til I had to get up at 7. THen laid her down next to DH... I could do nothing but worry and pray about her after I got up. What if DH moved his pillow on her face, or rolled on her, or started to get up and squished her...etc. It was such a relief when he got up and said she was fine!

(also the whole privacy/intimacy issue. I just couldn't give that up.)

But anyway.

I thought there was another thought, but there isn't now.

 

[Katydid]

oooh, the privacy issue. It is amazing how many places in our house have been used.


No, I seriously understand why some people don't. We started out of survival. My first was such a demanding baby. If I wanted any sleep, we had to adjust. Trust me, it wasn't our ideal situation.

 

[Jehane]

Sleep was the number one issue for me too. I do even stranger things than normal when I get sleep deprived.

 

[ACADEMIC]

I think a child's security best comes through his or her standing in their relationship with his or her rightly relating parents, augmented by routines.

Nearly continual child-parental proximity (e.g., attachment parenting, family bed, etc.) actually strongly develops a child's insecurity like little else.

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[Jehane]

Yeah, funny how some kids really need that. I got one totally the opposite. Pick him up & he'd strain away from you - which got a bit dicey sometimes. His twin was a cuddler.

 

[AutumnDreamer]

Nearly continual child-parental proximity (e.g., attachment parenting, family bed, etc.) actually strongly develops a child's insecurity like little else.

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That is so not even accurate.

 

[Katydid]

ACADEMIC, Autumn Dreamer...

I requested no debating please. I know I can't enforce that, but I would really appreciate a thread where we can relax and learn about each other. Not insult or get into ANOTHER debate.

PLEASE.

 

[ACADEMIC]

To clarify, well-developed parent-child bonding, often misnamed under the heading "attachment theory", is important to security, obviously; but that is different from what often results from popularized attachment parenting.

 

[Jehane]

I like the continum (can't spell it) theory. Give a child all the security they crave when little & they become really confident adults. It seems to have worked for us. lol.

 

[AutumnDreamer]

To clarify, well-developed parent-child bonding, often misnamed under the heading "attachment theory", is important to security, obviously; but that is different from what often results from popularized attachment parenting.

I respectfully disagree with you.