Parenting after divorce

[Godsgirl79]

Hello,

I'm needing some comfort, encouragement and prayers. I have been divorced for two years now and we both share joint custody. I am happily remarried, but I still feel so bad how the divorce has effected the kids. It is harder on them then I imagined it would be. I pursued the divorce because I was unhappy for a long time and now we have both moved on. But I still feel like I'm not a good parent. Can anyone relate?

 

[CrystalBrooke]

Sometimes I feel like I'm not a good enough parent to my daughter. She doesn't remember a time when her father and I were together because we split right before she turned 2, so she doesn't miss that part. But, with the shared custody I feel like I'm not with her enough. I feel like I can't do enough for her and spend the time with her that I need to. Those feelings have increased lately because I am also remarried and my husband and I are expecting a baby. I feel like she's going to feel left out because my son will be here all the time and she won't. Right now she's excited, and I'm trying to keep her that way...but now more than ever, I feel like an inadequate parent to her.

 

[OnlyBelieve]

You are both AWESOME Parents,
you are doing the best thing, encouraging your child to spend time with their fathers. many women don't do this and cause more trouble and grief and displacment for the little ones. Your children will thank you, later in life that you allowed them the freedom to love their dad's.
Our children know we love them. Keep encouraging them and be sure to spend some one on one time whenever you can.
Big sisters are awesome when new babies come along, just make sure you include her, and allow her to "DO" stuff, like pick baby's clothes for the day, or make a bottle etc, that way they get time with you, while feeling you respect and cherish their imput into everyday life.
God Bless you Both, Jesus Loves You, You are Doing AWESOME!

 

[Godsgirl79]

Sometimes I feel like I'm not a good enough parent to my daughter. She doesn't remember a time when her father and I were together because we split right before she turned 2, so she doesn't miss that part. But, with the shared custody I feel like I'm not with her enough. I feel like I can't do enough for her and spend the time with her that I need to. Those feelings have increased lately because I am also remarried and my husband and I are expecting a baby. I feel like she's going to feel left out because my son will be here all the time and she won't. Right now she's excited, and I'm trying to keep her that way...but now more than ever, I feel like an inadequate parent to her.

Dear CrystalBrooke,

That's exactly how I feel. I feel like less of a parent because I don't spend as much time with my kids, but rather feel like a part time mom. That's not the way it should be. My 7 year old girl was 5 when we split up and the first thing she said when she found out was "we aren't going to have a family anymore?" I take comfort in knowing that my current spouse is good to them, and so is my ex. I pray for them every night, but the deep sadness for breaking up their family is going to take time to get over. My husband and I are trying to conceive now. I want to have a baby with him, but I do worry about how this will make my other babies feel. I hope that it'll be more of a healing experience and good for my husband and I. But I agree with the other poster, my kids LOVED their baby sisters, and loved to help. They would tell me if they didn't think I heard the baby crying and tell me that they thought they needed to be fed, and my toddlers were always trying to cover the baby with a blanket. It's cute. It's a good thing that children have the ability to adjust.

 

[Godsgirl79]

You are both AWESOME Parents,
you are doing the best thing, encouraging your child to spend time with their fathers. many women don't do this and cause more trouble and grief and displacment for the little ones. Your children will thank you, later in life that you allowed them the freedom to love their dad's.
Our children know we love them. Keep encouraging them and be sure to spend some one on one time whenever you can.
Big sisters are awesome when new babies come along, just make sure you include her, and allow her to "DO" stuff, like pick baby's clothes for the day, or make a bottle etc, that way they get time with you, while feeling you respect and cherish their imput into everyday life.
God Bless you Both, Jesus Loves You, You are Doing AWESOME!

Ahhh thank you

 

[OnlyBelieve]

Ahhh thank you

I just want to add a bit of perspective for you, so you can see you are doing awesome...
I am a step mum, my step daughter is 10.
She is not allowed to talk about her dad. She's not allowed to ring her dad. She has never been encouraged to see her dad, even though court orders are in place. She is not allowed to talk to her sisters (she lives 5hrs away) on the phone, she was not allowed to see them when they were born. She has rang her dad 1 time in 9 years. She doesn't send him anything, no birthday calls, no fathers day. She is not allowed to speak to me, or about me. She is not allowed to like me. She is told to be naughty for me. She is told we don't love her, we only love our other girls who are not her family and never will be. She is a very sad little girl, who has separation anxiety. Her mother tells her, when she is raised, her mother is moving overseas without her. She is not allowed photos of ANY of our family, including grandparents, aunts cousins etc. She is now 10 and doesn't want to visit us anymore. She won't talk to her father on the phone. We are powerless to do anything, as it costs so much here and mostly the mothers win, because they twist the truth and the system allows it, just as ithas done in the past with this situation.

This is what we have to live with everyday, mu hubby married this woman, because she became pregnant to him, then said she was getting an abortion, which he did not want. Her ultimatum was he had to marry her. I am so sad for him everyday, and our beautiful daughter who is suffering.
God bless you both, for your best. Your children will thank you.

 

[CrystalBrooke]

Dear CrystalBrooke,

That's exactly how I feel. I feel like less of a parent because I don't spend as much time with my kids, but rather feel like a part time mom. That's not the way it should be. My 7 year old girl was 5 when we split up and the first thing she said when she found out was "we aren't going to have a family anymore?" I take comfort in knowing that my current spouse is good to them, and so is my ex. I pray for them every night, but the deep sadness for breaking up their family is going to take time to get over. My husband and I are trying to conceive now. I want to have a baby with him, but I do worry about how this will make my other babies feel. I hope that it'll be more of a healing experience and good for my husband and I. But I agree with the other poster, my kids LOVED their baby sisters, and loved to help. They would tell me if they didn't think I heard the baby crying and tell me that they thought they needed to be fed, and my toddlers were always trying to cover the baby with a blanket. It's cute. It's a good thing that children have the ability to adjust.

Thanks. And thank you, also, Onlybelieve.

I know my daughter is cared for and she knows we love her and she pretty much understands the situation. But when I drop her off to go with her dad it feels so unnatural (and we've been doing this for 4 now). You hit the nail on the head when you said part time parent. That's what I feel like most of the time.

She is so ready to be a big sister. She talks to my belly all the time and tells her brother that she loves him and can't wait to meet him. We'll see if things change once he gets here and she finds that he's not really going to be very fun for a few months.

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

It's better for your kids,if your in a loving relationship,so try not to feel bad.Atleast youn not arguing and not getting along all the time,with your ex,in front of your kids.I've seen parents try to stay together for the kids,the tensions not good for the kids.

 

[Godsgirl79]

It's better for your kids,if your in a loving relationship,so try not to feel bad.Atleast youn not arguing and not getting along all the time,with your ex,in front of your kids.I've seen parents try to stay together for the kids,the tensions not good for the kids.

That is the reason that I finally left. I've seen posts by adults who were broken hearted and angry after their parents divorced after several years of marriage who only stayed together for the benefit of the kids. I saw my marriage ending this way as well. I also didn't want to wait until I was in midlife to try to start over again. I desired every day for 11 years that I was married for someway out of the marriage, but I was sticking with it because of my kids and God and commitment. EVERY PERSON has a breaking point, I don't care how righteous of a person you are.

 

[Godsgirl79]

I just want to add a bit of perspective for you, so you can see you are doing awesome...
I am a step mum, my step daughter is 10.
She is not allowed to talk about her dad. She's not allowed to ring her dad. She has never been encouraged to see her dad, even though court orders are in place. She is not allowed to talk to her sisters (she lives 5hrs away) on the phone, she was not allowed to see them when they were born. She has rang her dad 1 time in 9 years. She doesn't send him anything, no birthday calls, no fathers day. She is not allowed to speak to me, or about me. She is not allowed to like me. She is told to be naughty for me. She is told we don't love her, we only love our other girls who are not her family and never will be. She is a very sad little girl, who has separation anxiety. Her mother tells her, when she is raised, her mother is moving overseas without her. She is not allowed photos of ANY of our family, including grandparents, aunts cousins etc. She is now 10 and doesn't want to visit us anymore. She won't talk to her father on the phone. We are powerless to do anything, as it costs so much here and mostly the mothers win, because they twist the truth and the system allows it, just as ithas done in the past with this situation.

This is what we have to live with everyday, mu hubby married this woman, because she became pregnant to him, then said she was getting an abortion, which he did not want. Her ultimatum was he had to marry her. I am so sad for him everyday, and our beautiful daughter who is suffering.
God bless you both, for your best. Your children will thank you.

I understand this a bit, and it does add some perspective. My husband also has a daughter who lives in another town who's mom has not followed the parenting plan. She had kept her daughter from us for several months with one excuse after another, and then a couple of months ago my husband gets served papers that the mom is trying to get her current husband to adopt her daughter, claiming that he hasn't had anything to do with her for 6 months. She is a sneaky one. We have a lawyer and are fighting it. We have atleast one police report on christmas even when she did not show up to let him have her that day. Now that there is a guardian adlidem involved she has started letting us see her. My kids finally got to meet her for the first time last month.

I was trying not to judge her but what makes me so mad about her is that she's doing that to her daughter. She can dislike my husband all she wants to, but it's the daughter that is suffering for it. My ex and I adjust to eachother all the time and I don't always follow the parenting plan because our goal is to make sure our children have good quality time with each of us. It's for the kids. I don't think that a parent who purposefully tries to keep the other parent out of the kids life (unless for safety) is a very loving parent.

 

[OnlyBelieve]

I understand this a bit, and it does add some perspective. My husband also has a daughter who lives in another town who's mom has not followed the parenting plan. She had kept her daughter from us for several months with one excuse after another, and then a couple of months ago my husband gets served papers that the mom is trying to get her current husband to adopt her daughter, claiming that he hasn't had anything to do with her for 6 months. She is a sneaky one. We have a lawyer and are fighting it. We have atleast one police report on christmas even when she did not show up to let him have her that day. Now that there is a guardian adlidem involved she has started letting us see her. My kids finally got to meet her for the first time last month.

I was trying not to judge her but what makes me so mad about her is that she's doing that to her daughter. She can dislike my husband all she wants to, but it's the daughter that is suffering for it. My ex and I adjust to eachother all the time and I don't always follow the parenting plan because our goal is to make sure our children have good quality time with each of us. It's for the kids. I don't think that a parent who purposefully tries to keep the other parent out of the kids life (unless for safety) is a very loving parent.

It is so hard, We didn't get christmas at all, all her presents are still here, she is supposed to be with us every second weekend and half the school holidays, but we don't see her at all. We've decided to leave it now, she is 10 and we see how hard it is for her, to cope with her mother, it really is heart breaking, our kids love her to pieces. We've let her know, we are here if she needs us. We just keep praying, God can do anything.
I do not understand the selfish stuff the mother goes on with, she really does not see anything bad in her behaviour, she is so self focused, you know, even when her daughter won the spelling bee, she said, well it's all thanks to me, I made her do her home work. No credit for her daughters intelligence...so sad. I keep praying

 

[plopster]

My parents divorced and my father remarried, I found it kind of nice having an extra parent so it can have its positive side.

 

[Kimberly09]

Hello,

I'm needing some comfort, encouragement and prayers. I have been divorced for two years now and we both share joint custody. I am happily remarried, but I still feel so bad how the divorce has effected the kids. It is harder on them then I imagined it would be. I pursued the divorce because I was unhappy for a long time and now we have both moved on. But I still feel like I'm not a good parent. Can anyone relate?

First of all, I want to commend you on focusing on your children. Sooooo many parents do not put their children first during or even after a divorce. They use the children as ammo to get back at the other parent for whatever reason being. They use the children as the middle man, say ugly things about the other parent in front of the children and some parents even try and turn the children against the other parent, simply because they do not feel the child should love and be happy with the other parent if they themselves are not.

If you feel that this is such a struggle on the children, then maybe you could put them in counseling of some sort, or look for a support type of group for youth. Some parents believe that their children are perfectly happy and well adjusted for being children of divorce, but in all honesty and reality, those children will never truly be "okay". They may cope well and have what appears to be normal social skills and a normal emotional balance.

Good luck to you, the best thing you can do is be a good positive role model for your children and constantly shower them with love and let them know how much their other parent loves them too. Also, since your children have step-parents, and their step-parents are positively active in their life, as hard as it may be, always encourage for them to have a good relationship with them. There should never be a limit to how many people can love them

Good Luck and God Bless!

 

[Woven]

Good luck to you, the best thing you can do is be a good positive role model for your children and constantly shower them with love and let them know how much their other parent loves them too. Also, since your children have step-parents, and their step-parents are positively active in their life, as hard as it may be, always encourage for them to have a good relationship with them. There should never be a limit to how many people can love them

Good Luck and God Bless!

Good advice. And the bolded part, so true!!

 

[Grace51]

That is the reason that I finally left. I've seen posts by adults who were broken hearted and angry after their parents divorced after several years of marriage who only stayed together for the benefit of the kids. I saw my marriage ending this way as well. I also didn't want to wait until I was in midlife to try to start over again. I desired every day for 11 years that I was married for someway out of the marriage, but I was sticking with it because of my kids and God and commitment. EVERY PERSON has a breaking point, I don't care how righteous of a person you are.

well, we are only human. you did your best. as for your kids. well, i am sure they are hurting now, but what is the alternative? live in a household where parents dont like each others and fighting constantly, would that be better for them?

unfortunately, sometimes the ideal solution is not always possible, and you chose the best one avail to you, i guess?

 

[dessydell]

Parenting after divorce is very much difficult for every person. Because if you have kids then it is important to understand each activity of him like clothing,food,bedding etc which can not easily handle by single person.