Paranoid

[HisW0rd]

I took a personality disorder test for fun. To my surprising after reading the definitions of the test results I was like MAN this is right on the money and it hurt because it was not pretty.

It was three things said I had and.....mainly paranoia, slight narcissism, and slight schizophrenia (only because I seen devils/spirits for 21 years)

So I am a realist and I start to think about why I am paranoid. Its not good to be fearful but I have every right.

At age 5 molested by my cousin
Ages 8-11 molested by cousins (all of them were first cousins)
Age 12 statutory rape
Age 15 Raped
Age 17 Raped
Age 20 Raped
Age 23 Raped
Age 25 Raped
I am 26.

Not to add the constant mistreatment I got in school, at work, at home, with men, and family! The only time my life was free from any pain or drama is when I lived by myself which that was only a year. Then I had men trying to break into my home or find a way for me to open the door at late nights, following me home, stalking me! SO yea its going to take me some time to heal. People blame me for getting raped but I don't know what I do. These men are christian and say they are my friend. Then before I know it I am terrified for my life. The last rape was finally by a man who claim he was not Christian.


I am at the point I cant trust anyone anymore. It hurts but I am alone. I am tired, I am sinking down, and I have a son and I cant do that. Sometimes I feel like my life will never get right until I walk away from everyone and everything I know which hurts. We had good times but the bad outweighs it!

I try to look at this at a Christian prospective and I am not Christian. There is nothing in me that will allow people to keep doing this to me. I can forgive, i can love, but I cant have you in my life anymore. It hurts but I will get over it.

I need to break out my fear...I am thinking about doing something daring but scared at the same time but I have to do this. I need to do this for my son and myself. Thanks for reading

 

[LovedSparrow]

Hi HisW0rd,
Thanks for sharing your heart with us. I can feel the hurt and pain in your writings. It sounds like you are sorting things out and finding out some things about yourself, which is good!

I'm sorry that you have been through so much. To come through what you have takes strength. I myself have not encountered the type of abuse you have, but I have had abuse for many years.

I do not have advice for you but just want to encourage you. I think it took a lot of courage to share your heart and I think that's great. I hope that it was helpful for you and gave you some clarity. Sometimes it helps us just to write and vent, especially if we do not feel comfortable talking with others or when no one else is there. I wish you the very best of luck to you, and if you don't mind to pray for you too.

Has anyone shared the gospel with you? Can I? I think our culture believes that going to heaven requires us to do good works and be good people. That we have to earn our way to God. Jesus said that it is by His grace that we are saved. If we confess we are sinners and ask Him to be our Savior, we will go to heaven. God wants our hearts. For example, the thief that was crucified with Jesus didn't have to come down off the cross and do a good work to go to Heaven. No, when the thief said, "Jesus remember me when you come into your kingdom," Jesus replied, "Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in Paradise." (Luke 23: 42-43).

He frequently condemned the Pharisees, who thought they would go to heaven by doing all the right things, making sure they didn't break Old Testament laws, thinking they had to . God told them that outside they seemed righteous, but inside, their hearts were far from God.

We don't have to be a good person or do good works to go to Heaven. I think a lot of people miss this. It isn't Biblical. No, we just ask Jesus to be our Lord and Savior. Our works are just a 'love letter' back to God. It is our way of thanking Him for saving us and helping others like He asks.

I'll be praying for you friend. I hope I didn't throw you off or make you mad to share the Gospel, but I wanted you to know it.

Take care,
LovedSparrow

 

[LovedSparrow]

I didn't know if it would be helpful for you, there is also a group here named Survivors of Sexual Assault, and under the mental health section there is a Schizophrenia group. I frequent in a few, the Autism/Aspbergers and Abuse and Depression. I found it helpful to be in a few because I know they can relate.

 

[Johnnz]

Seeing into the spiritual world does not mean you are necessarily schizophrenic.

It's not surprising you are suspicious of people! That is a horrible past. There is a path towards a better life. Some good counselling can help. Jesus is willing to walk with you too.

John
NZ

 

[HisW0rd]

thank you it really did help.
I feel a lot better in I have disconnected from the majority of my family. I'm getting ready to go to houston to see my mother side of the family. which is always good honestly so they can I get on me for not calling them. I prefer to be alone do it's just me and my son. According to revelations we are judge by our works that we do in Christ. I have been reading the Bible for fifteen years now....it's time to do my work.


[QUOTE=LovedSparrow;59624677]Hi HisW0rd,
Thanks for sharing your heart with us. I can feel the hurt and pain in your writings. It sounds like you are sorting things out and finding out some things about yourself, which is good!

I'm sorry that you have been through so much. To come through what you have takes strength. I myself have not encountered the type of abuse you have, but I have had abuse for many years.

I do not have advice for you but just want to encourage you. I think it took a lot of courage to share your heart and I think that's great. I hope that it was helpful for you and gave you some clarity. Sometimes it helps us just to write and vent, especially if we do not feel comfortable talking with others or when no one else is there. I wish you the very best of luck to you, and if you don't mind to pray for you too.

Has anyone shared the gospel with you? Can I? I think our culture believes that going to heaven requires us to do good works and be good people. That we have to earn our way to God. Jesus said that it is by His grace that we are saved. If we confess we are sinners and ask Him to be our Savior, we will go to heaven. God wants our hearts. For example, the thief that was crucified with Jesus didn't have to come down off the cross and do a good work to go to Heaven. No, when the thief said, "Jesus remember me when you come into your kingdom," Jesus replied, "Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in Paradise." (Luke 23: 42-43).

He frequently condemned the Pharisees, who thought they would go to heaven by doing all the right things, making sure they didn't break Old Testament laws, thinking they had to . God told them that outside they seemed righteous, but inside, their hearts were far from God.

We don't have to be a good person or do good works to go to Heaven. I think a lot of people miss this. It isn't Biblical. No, we just ask Jesus to be our Lord and Savior. Our works are just a 'love letter' back to God. It is our way of thanking Him for saving us and helping others like He asks.

I'll be praying for you friend. I hope I didn't throw you off or make you mad to share the Gospel, but I wanted you to know it.

Take care,
LovedSparrow

[/QUOTE]

 

[HisW0rd]

Seeing into the spiritual world doe snot mean you are necessarily schizophrenic.

It's not surprising you are suspicious of people! That is a horrible past. There is a path towards a better life. Some good counselling can help. Jesus i swilling to walk with you too.

John
NZ

I know I am not schizophrenic but unfortunately a lot of people can't understand my reality.

 

[Johnnz]

Much of our secular society has no foundations for acknowledging spiritual reality, so it gets treated as some type of 'mental problem'. But it isn't just that. Spiritual experiences are very real

John
NZ