Overwhelming fatigue, could this be why?

[melly611]

Okay, I've posted here before and told you all that I'm leery of these boards as I haven't had any luck with them. So, I'm going to try this one. I will try to keep this as short as I can. I used to be very energetic, upbeat and happy. I think my spiral into this abyss started in June of 1998, when my Mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I quit my job, which I loved, to take care of her. I have NO regrets about that. It was horrible watching her die. I took care of her alone unti hospice got involved. My Dad was in denial, and my sister treated me like an animal. My Mother died January 13, 1999. That left me and my Dad, (I had moved in with them) alone in that huge house. He needed to stay active and busy because if he didn't, his grief overwhelmed him. But he wouldn't leave the house except to go to work because I was there, so I impulsively married a man I did NOT love. That man wound up torturing me. He was into horrible drugs, he beat me, the emotional abuse was horrendous. With God's help, I managed to get away from him after suffering at his hands for over a year and a half. I was not allowed to grieve my Mother's death. If he caught me crying, I'd get slapped, kicked or choked. But, I got away from him and moved in with my brother. Another bad deal, but much, much better than that marriage was. I found a great job working for a mental health center, snapped out of my depression, and was so happy. My best friend came to me one day and told me that her cousin was getting a divorce. Now, her cousin and I had dated in 1971, I was 14 and he was 15. He was my 1st "crush". So, we got back together and eventually got married, but you cannot even begin to imagine the horror this man has put me through. He's a horrible alcoholic. I had NO clue, he hid it well. I did find out that his cousin, my best friend, KNEW this about him, but she wouldn't tell me. She knew if she did, I would never have moved away from home to be with him. I hadn't seen him in 25 years, I didn't love him anymore, but everybody was so excited about this "fairytale" romance. Throughout the past 4 1/2 years, this man has called me every filthy name in the book, locks me out of the house in all kinds of weather, took me to a park in a city of over 100,000 people, I had no idea where I was, and forced me to walk back to his house in 105 degree temperatures, he's beat me, cried over his ex-wife, told me he still loved her, his daughter hates me for no reason, she hated me before she even met me and she was terribly abusive as well, and my husband let her be. His Dad is mean to me too. My husband goes on these binges where he stays drunk for weeks at a time and during those times, he makes my life a living hell. I know what everyone is thinking, "Get out of there". Well, I can't, I'm trapped. To make matters worse, on May 27th, 2003, I lost my Dad unexpectedly to a ruptured abdominal aortic aneurysm. I think part of me died when he did. One year after that, I had a blood pressure spike one night and my dr. panicked and overmedicated me. I should've known to get off the drugs he put me on, but was scared to due to my Dad's sudden death. My blood pressure was dangerously low from June, 2004, it has just recently stabilized because I made myself get off the drugs. But for almost 2 years I had no energy, I slept all the time, I was very, very sick. My daughter, during all this, did me and my family very dirty and won't speak to me now, hasn't for a year, I guess maybe she feels guilty, but I miss her. Then, last September, a man I dated once, and remained close to, am very close to his Mother, drowned in the river of my hometown, they think he was murdered by his ex-girlfriend, in Nov., my best friends fiancee was killed in a freak car wreck, and then, on Feb. 12th of this year, the love of my life was murdered by his ex-girlfriend. He was shot 11 times, stuffed into the trunk of her car while still alive, and dumped over a bridge where he landed by a creek bed. My husband is a lazy man, he doesn't like to have fun or go anywhere, so all I do is sit in his house, clean it for him, do his laundry and cook his meals. I've been ignored by him on my birthday, anniversaries, and he's ruined the last 5 Christmases for me and my family with his drinking. He went on a terrible binge last Christmas, ruined it for all of us, was drunk and abusive for 3 weeks, right after he sobered up, I noticed that I started having headaches at the back of my head. I have panic/anxiety disorder, so I right off thought I had a brain tumor. Went and had a CT scan done which was normal. Did not believe that test. So my dr. ordered an MRI w/wo contrast, it was normal too. I don't even believe that test. I have lost the will to live, I am tired all the time, I barely have the motivation to keep this house clean. I slept all day today. I'm usually up all night long though. I haven't been able to sleep at night since I lost my Dad. I am grieving 5 deaths, I just recently got my b/p up to a fairly normal level, but I'm still weak from doing nothing for almost 2 years.
So.....I was just wondering, as I've never dealt with depression before, what is going on with me? Why am I having this overwhelming fatigue? I feel like God hates me, I don't believe the brain tests, I'm scared all the time that I'm dying, I've lost my parents and the love of my life.
That's it, that's my story. Any opinions would be greatly appreciated as I'm losing ground quickly and have been thinking suicide lately.

Melanie

 

[EarthenVessel]

Dear Melly611,

I cannot give you an official diagnosis (meaning what type of depression you are having even knowing more about your background. Yes, you are definitely expereiencing a form of depression and coupled with that you are going through several greiving processes with more than one person. If I read this correctly you were not even allowed to accurately greive the loss of your mother because of you boyfriend - you need to get that out and let expereince the feelings)

Depression in any form and severity is difficult enough and does drain your physcially. Depression coupled with abuse and loss (grief has an even greater impact on you).

I am not a psychiatrist and even if I were could not make an accurate diagnosis of you on-line. I am suspecting that since you do not beleive the Radiological findings/tests - this would indicate that you are possibly experiencing paranoia with your depression, greif and stress.

You have been through a tremendous amount of emotional toil and are uneducated on this. The reason I am able to truly give you the information that I have is because I have major depression recurrent and have had it for over 10 years. In addition I am greiving the loss of my mother, grandmother and home.

I am going to include a couple of links that will assist you with some information these topics - one is secular and the other Christian. I would urge you not to try to even make a self - diagnosis as you are just not trained to do so nor can you be objective abou this. I would suggest you seek an evaluation from a psychiatrist. There are those which have a sliding scale and/or insurance... I would also suggest you check your local area for any Christian based grief/loss support groups and/or depression support groups. NAMI has a website which may assist you in this area.

My final advice and I strongly advise this, please answer the following questions to yourself - you do not have to post the answers - please you are entitled to privacy.

1. Do you just feel like you want to die or do you have a plan that you have considered to commit suicide?

2. How often and/or long do these urges/thoughts come and last?

3. Do you have any thoughts or urges to hurt yourself or anyone else?

If you answered yes to any of these I would strongly suggest you get immediate attention.

http://www.webmd.com/search/search_results/default.aspx?query=depression&x=48&y=10

http://www.newlife.com/4/library_list.asp
http://search.family.org/query.cfm?qt=counseling&style=family&Search.x=30&Search.y=6

God Bless you and bring you peace.

 

[snowy27]

I'm sorry that you have had so much heartache in your life. I will be hoping and praying that things turn around for you.

 

[bfly]

Melly, you have been through the deepest darkest valleys known to man. I don't know how you have come through and are still able to talk about it. You are a very strong person.

When I have struggles, I know who's shoulder I want to lean on.

EarthenVessel has given you as good as information as I think you will find.

While we are not professionals here, we sincerely care and want to give you love and support. Please don't give up on us at this forum.

We have so many hurting people here and as they begin to understand they are not alone, they will see the needs of others and have advice for them.

Some how with the grace of God, you will come through this and you will be stronger than you have ever been in your life. I know now you see hype and lots of empty words.

You have lost so much, and you have seen the pain of death of a love one. I really hope you will determine in your mind sucide is not the answer for you.

You yet have a daughter that has to be brought back to accept the love of her mother, regardless of what bad choices she has made. No bad choice can break the love of a mother for her child.

Don't give satan the benefit of saying he has taken your daughter and now he is taking you.

I will be glad to talk with you anytime as will so many other here. You can send me a private message or click on my character on this page and it should show you how to email me.

Your name is put on my prayer list and I will lift you up in prayer. You are welcomed here and loved here. Take advantage of that. One day you will be right here listening to others and praying for them. We need you. May your spirit be lifted today.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

The headaches in the back of your head are probably caused by the overwhelming amount of stress you're going through. They are called tension headaches and are not harmful, although as a person who has had them before, I understand that they sure do feel that way.

In addition, I have also been through an abusive relationship as well as several people in my family dying in the same short time period. I too have been through the fatigue and suicidal ideations. Suicidal feelings are often caused by being overwhelmed when too many things in life go wrong -- suicide feels like the only escape from the pain. When I was depressed, I was not thinking rationally and making things harder for myself than they had to be. I have watched others who were depressed do the very same thing - it is like one is fighting off the possibility of getting better. There are things you can do to help yourself that may not be readily apparent to you because your depression is clouding your judgement. Try to see a therapist if possible or to at least get some sort of outside perspective. You can get out of your relationship if you really want to - where there is a will there is a way.

I'm glad I decided to tough things out and not end my life because things are great now. It has been a long and painful journey to get where I am now but I do not regret it. You are capable of having happiness again, too. The depression, fatigue, grief, and emotional damage from your abusive relationship are all things that can fade away. Please seek some professional help so that you can experience a good life.

 

[Friendshipcake]

*hugs* Praying for you Melly

 

[melly611]

This is a great board. Thank you all for your words of encouragement. God works through people like you, I've always believed that.
I talked to my dr. today, and I've decided to try Cymbalta, at a very low dose to start out with. I do not want to do that but at this point I feel like I don't have a choice. I'm scared of those things, I've tried two of them, and they both made me very sick, so I stopped them. But I've never had depression like this before, I think he put me on the Paxil for anxiety/panic. It was terrible. I'm hoping that this particular drug won't make me sick. I'm begging God to let it work.
Being trapped in this house 24/7 isn't helping me either, but my husband doesn't like to do stuff, he's a bad homebody, and all he wants to do is eat and sleep, when he's not drinking. However, he has been sober since Jan.3rd, but I caught him drinking Sunday, and of course, I was devastated. Sometimes he makes me sick with his love for alcohol. I am a recovering alcoholic myself, I have 14 years of sobriety and I'm proud of it. If I can quit, so can he, but he doesn't want to. Says he loves the taste of it. Right, sure. The stuff is nasty. All he's doing is chasing that high.
As time goes on, I'll tell you more about my incredible "life", there's so much more. My dr. who is also one of my best friends, told me that my mind can only withstand so much, and he's been warning me for years that if I don't get help, that I'd wind up like this. I never believed him, I thought I was too strong for that. Anyway, again, thanks for your replies, I feel a little better than I did. I've decided that suicide is not an option, I have two beautiful grandsons that I adore, and they love me right back. They alone are worth staying alive for.

In His love,

Melanie

 

[Bay]

wow,pretty similar to my past only it was my mom left alone in a big house with my dad's sudden death a few months before my wedding. she found him yet.going downhill isn't overnight though. I had everything to look forward to and people all around me but all I wanted to do and sometimes still do is escape to my bed. I can't put my finger in any one life situation that caused this as there are far many other than watching my mom decline and she eventually died of cancer.Feeling overwhelmed isn't something docs really can diagnose fully unless they see the whole picture.I struggle daily my thoughts though come late at night say around 1 am. I am here though,so are you.

 

[praying_hoping]

Melly-Hi! I am so sorry to here your struggles-I have had plenty myself. I have fought clinical depression over 30 years now and I know how hard and devastating it can be! I have to ask-is there anywhere else you can go stay for awhile because living in that house with an abusive husband is definetly NOT going to help your anxiety/depression! People like us need to be around caring-compassionate people-not people who are going to continue to bring us back down to the depths of hell! I feel for you-my husband in the beginning of my battle was not there for me at all-in fact, he was not home as often as possible just to avoid me. It hurt me terribly because when I really needed him and was so utterly depressed and scared-he was not there. He said he didn't understand what was happening to me and it was freaking him out. But now after being with me for 25 years, he's learned alot about depression/anxiety and things are so much better in the way he treats me. I am glad you are trying a new med-I am praying it is the right one for you. I just started another new med because the last one I had was not effective for me anymore. My dr. said that since I keep going on and off the meds so much they lost there effectiveness (I take myself off the meds when I'm feeling "normal" again-then the depression comes back in a few months and hits me even stronger!) Now I realize I will probably be taking meds for the rest of my life. But that sure beats dealing with severe depression! I know how disappointing it can be when you start on a new med and it either doesn't work or has terrible side effects-been there -done that! And yes, trying to "will" away severe depression almost always never works-the depression will only get worse-been there-done that too. God would never give up on you-even when I wanted to give up on me and end my life-I never felt that God wasn't there for me. I know that might sound strange but that is how I feel. I am a much stronger person today and I am praying for you. If you need to talk anytime I am here.

 

[inHisgripkim]

I hurt so much for you because you are enduring such a heavy load. You are in an abusive relationship and it is so hard to climb out of dispair from the sadness in other aspects of your life. I don't understand why you feel you are trapped and that you can't leave your husband to seek refuge and love elsewhere. You need a safe haven and a place to heal. The environment you are in is not allowing that to happen.

Why do you feel trapped and why do you feel that you cannot separate from your abusive husband in order to find refuge and a place to heal? You need to empower yourself again and your husband is preventing that from happening. I have been in two abusive marriages and understand the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness all to well. Feel free to pm me, if privacy is of importance.

In the meantime I will pray for you with all my heart, soul and mind. I will ask God to provide you a place of refuge and healing.

Crying right along with you,
Much love and gentleness to you. You deserve it.
Kim