Hang on. Remember that fear can't do anything else but scare you. I didn't mean that as a platitude, even though it sounds like one.
I was depressed with high anxiety for many, many years. To some extent I still am, but I'm not constantly afraid or feeling horrible anymore. I'm mostly normal now. I went through lots of meds, hospitals, therapy, breakdowns, addictions, you name it. I made all the mistakes too in the process. I drank, I abused drugs, I lost my job and some loved ones too. I thought I was a goner, that there was no hope. I was so low that I don't even remember how I got there. At one point the pain was so horrible that I just had to pound my chest and stomach, I felt it physically eating me. I was sure that I would have to kill myself to end it. I didn't, and I broke down and prayed instead. I don't remember ever feeling so hopeless. In a sense I might have needed that, to fully understand how I need God and I can't do it alone. I didn't know or feel it at the time, but I was slowly carried over the worst. I'm still here.
So persevere, like you said. Sometimes we just need to endure. And when we endure, it doesn't actually feel like enduring, does it? No, it feels like losing everything, like going insane, like losing all hope. But we don't lose hope. We hope for what we cannot see. And we will get better at it every single time.
Our fears tell us we don't and we can't, but we will.
Keep on hanging in there. Get the help you can, and take one day at a time. If you feel overwhelmed, just endure. You don't have to drastically react to horrible feelings, even if that's the exact thing those feelings make us want to do. You will learn to treat them as such, as feelings. Not as some omnipotent forces that can change realities at a whim. When it's really hard, acknowlegde the feelings, but don't obey them. They tell you to quit, to be afraid, to be ashamed, to be alone, to give up. They're lies. It's amazing what God can do, and also how much crap we can take. We can tap into huge pools of strength when we feel we are at our weakest. We won't feel the strength then, but later on it's easy to see how it was there. It's not courage if one is not afraid, and it's not perseverance if there is not an overwhelming struggle. And sometimes, some of us - perhaps you, who knows? - can help people who once were in the dark pit that's very familiar to us. You will have that ability. You might have already helped plenty of people and you don't know it. I've needed those people. They have no idea how much they helped by just understanding me or listening to me at some time. They don't know how much they mattered.
It's okay. You're allowed to be how you are. You're doing your best. In time you'll be better, and you will understand yourself and your condition so much more. You won't be a slave to it. Remember that you are no worse than anybody else. Have hope in Christ. Said a prayer for you. Also remember that the spirit prays for you, even if you think you cannot.
Oh and welcome. Plenty of people here who know what you're talking about. Stick around if you'd like!
