Our family is at a crossroad and don't know where to go (please help)

[elevationgirl]

My story is ridiculously long and convoluted...

Married 15 years. Husband and I have had a very rough time. He drinks, not a huge amount, but I know he regulates his moods with it. I have cheated, and I have spent about 7 years in counseling to figure out why I am such a horrible wife. I have tried though. My husband escapes and some say he is narcissistic. All of my therapists and even Christian psychologist said to divorce. I never had the heart to. I really care about him, but I don't want to hurt him again. He can't give me what I need. I have asked him to please go to counseling with me....at least try to work on things but he has always refused. I am 38 and am diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I take a lot of medications. Most help, but they make me tired. Right now I'm unmotivated. I used to ski, practice muay thai kickboxing, but I have lost all motivation and gained weight. I homeschool both my kids, and I work full time as an editor at home. This is the only way for us to make ends meet living in a resort town.

We have a 15 year old boy with Asperger's Disorder. I home school him because he won't do anything at school. He is really overweight and only wants to play video games. I force him outside, but its always a battle. He is 6'3 and 275lbs, so all I can do is hope he will listen. Eventually he will, but he's flunking his classes this quarter. He has a good heart, but he is so lost. I even read on a inadvertent Skype message that his friend sent me by accident, that my son thinks he is bisexual. He spends way too much time on the internet after school. All his friends are playing xbox live, and really they are his only friends. My husband has taken a back seat their entire lives. No father-son time. My job is 24-7, my husband gets away 4 days a week to work, then when he is at home at night freaks out over the dishes not being done. I tell him I'm exhausted, but even if he apologizes he gets in a foul mood about once per week, and that foul mood destroys us.

We have a 13 year old girl who was diagnosed bipolar. Her doctor also pulled out of her that she believes she is or was supposed to be a boy. God doesn't make mistakes. But my husband will yell at her for an hour about why she used to wear dresses and act like a girl. He breaks her spirit. I pray with my girl. I love her so much. I know the Christian argument, I believe it. I pray. Its not changing things. Last night my daughter texted me how she wants to disappear when someone or I call her a she. She texts me for hours and I go lay down with her and pray. Her best friends seem to push this on her. They call me telling me that my girl would be happier and less depressed if I called her by, or the name that they call her by. My husband says he wants to keep her away from those friends. She wants to go to school as a boy. Our resort town has gender neutral bathrooms at school. I took her to two pediatricians. Each promoted her being who she is. Present herself as a boy. Three counselors, both said she should follow her heart. Or she will be depressed.

We lost the kids health insurance and it turned out the house in North Idaho that we rent our house out to tenants. The tenant turned out to be a fugitive and was arrested. Our house was empty. So we moved to the house 20 minutes up on a mountain to get the house ready to rent. I decided we should stay. This is a great community. new people. More conservative. I got the kids free health insurance and myself free health insurance. I live down the road from Ruby Ridge. Not that it matters...but then again probably not as accepting of transgender people.

My husband has complained about condo living for the past 5 years. Angry I convinced him to move to Utah. Now, even though there are jobs here, jobs that pay just as good as where he is in Utah, he doesn't want to live. So we were going to separate. But all he cares about is that he has to drive 20 minutes to work if he moves. Now he only has to drive 5 minutes. I said, but this is a fresh start, the perfect alternative school for our son next year. I have friends here. I have nothing in Utah. My husband says he will have to live in a tent if we divorce. He can't support two houses. Now I am about to rent this house, my dream house on 1/2 acre of solitude in a beautiful place closer to my parents and aging dad, and his family thinks I'm crazy. they didn't know about the drinking or any of that. They are LDS. I told them what was going on . they said they would pay for counseling. But they think I should go back to my husband. I don't know what to do. I felt strongly that I should stay here. But now I am guilty for pulling the kids away from their friends. Even if they push my daughter to be a boy. Do I follow my husband? I don't know what to do. My house is still listed for rent, I turned the last people who wanted it down. I'm afraid to give up our rental in the resort town, because its the best deal we will ever find. I have thought of sending the kids there and having his parents stay with them for a month to give me a break. I'm exhausted.

And now my daughter just sent me 10 texts about how she doesn't believe in God and please don't force it on her. She is really scared and sorry...but she doesn't believe in God.

 

[FullEnglishBrekkie]

Hi elevationgirl.

Has no-one answered you yet?

Your tale caught my attention because our daughter is bipolar (amongst other things) and our son has Asperger syndrome. So I know that even if everything else was peachy, your lives would still be very challenging. You have too much going on that needs fixing for you two to be able to manage it all yourselves all at once. It might be that you both think it's impossible for you to do anything about it all, so you feel incapable, panicky, powerless etc. I can tell you that it needs a strong bond between a couple to cope with this sort of thing together and have the marriage survive. I've been lucky with my partner.

In the first instance, I would suggest that you and your husband force yourselves to spend a few days together away from home and away from family and work - just the two of you - make it happen! - so that you can take time to think. It may be that all these problems are pushing you apart.

Then see if you can agree on what is the one thing that you would fix, if you could only have one problem fixed. The single most troubling thing that, if you fix it, might make the rest a bit more manageable. You don't have to find a solution for it right away - you can come back and get help with it. If you get united on that one thing, it may be a big step forward.

In a nutshell, don't try to fix everything at once or see it all as one big unmanageable problem.

Good luck.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

Regardless of where you end up God will be with you. He will never leave or forsake you.

However I would recommend that you try to stay with your husband. Don't worry about the transgender issue you are facing, God is able to change the hearts of your children. As a young person I spent most of my life playing computer games like your son, and did not really have an interest in God or church, or family. I was often angry at my parents and at times (not often) made life difficult for them. Yet around the age of 18 God came to me in a dream, and it changed me. I now have a full and complete life, a great job, am married, every thing is great. Our children's past does not have to dictate their future. Don't be overly worried about your children, God can change them, and guide them.

 

[hedrick]

I'm no expert on the kind of things you're describing, but my initial feeling is that your kids need a stable and supportive home as the first priority. If they're in constant turmoil I'd think it would be hard to come to any understanding of their identity. Certainly yelling at a kid is unlikely to help her accept her sexual identity. Of course my community and church doesn't have any problem with bisexual or transgender, but I'd get them stabilized before worrying about that.

 

[Guru03]

I am not a parent but I have dealt with what your daughter is dealing with.

1) Do not under any circumstances yell at, preach at, or berate your daughter for her struggle.

2) Pray privately for her.

3) Let her come to you with anything at any time. Listen and give your advice.

4) What the doctors are saying usually fails.

5) If you do counseling- put them in a secular practice with a Christian therapist who will listen, incorporate faith when she asks, and does not "throw scripture".

6) Her struggle could end with a change of heart- mine did. After the struggle is harder but there is hope. Becoming a Christian changed my heart.

You can PM me for anything related to your daughter for any more advice, insights, perspective, etc. You and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[OliviaMay]

Regardless of where you end up God will be with you. He will never leave or forsake you.

However I would recommend that you try to stay with your husband. Don't worry about the transgender issue you are facing, God is able to change the hearts of your children. As a young person I spent most of my life playing computer games like your son, and did not really have an interest in God or church, or family. I was often angry at my parents and at times (not often) made life difficult for them. Yet around the age of 18 God came to me in a dream, and it changed me. I now have a full and complete life, a great job, am married, every thing is great. Our children's past does not have to dictate their future. Don't be overly worried about your children, God can change them, and guide them.

Transgender does not go away.

 

[JCFantasy23]

Wow, thats tons on your place, I'd be overwhelmed. My heart is with you on that.

As for your daughter, we can assume transgender although if it this is an issue that's rather recent, and not her entire life, it could be the hormones going too wild. Her age is right for them to go haywire.

I'd worry more about your son's weight than than video games and it leading to depression. I know you are homeschooling him because he wasn't doing well in school - but personally I think putting him back in school could help. Asperger's can make it very difficult to socialize but practice helps. With school will come some activity and such that he needs for weight and health. And it may help ward off depression. You said the new place has a good alternative school nearby, so this sounds promising.

I wouldn't divorce my husband over the issues you described, but I do think he is sounding hard to please, frustrating, and not trying on his side. No therapy and complaining. If I were you I'd stay at the house you want to. Sometimes things happen for a reason adn the change sounds refreshing to you. It will help your son possibly with the new school. Your daughter can adjust and make new friends, and keep in contact with her old ones if you think she should. Plus, your close to your parents and aging father, which is important. Your husband doesn't sound like he is wanting to compromise on that - but it sounds like it would benefit him as well with being close to work. I think the new house feels and sounds like a good idea personally. I hope it all works out for you.

 

[fish@water]

how are you now? I think every problem will be solved, it is just our life experience in this world. From God's arrangement.