kato1265 said:
you lost him too suddenly. i remember standing at the grave when they put my husband into the ground and wanting to jump onto the casket and cling for dear life ... my mom and sister gently walked me away from the site and said, "it's time to let go."
but - i knew it was coming for a long time before it happened. i got to say goodbye - not at the time he died, because i had kids at home and i couldn't leave them there alone ... and he died in the middle of the night. but, the last time i sat with him, we shared his bed and held hands and talked about the walk we shared in this life ... i told him he was my best friend in the whole world and he told me the same thing. then, he told me to go home ... it doesn't sound like you got to say goodbye and maybe you should go - and do that ... I don't know ... just sounds like you never really got the closure - so maybe you should just go sit for a while and say what you didn't get to say
That's pretty much what I do in the memorail section.
No, I never did get a chance to say goodbye. It all happened so fast. And than I was in the hospital myself for a month. I didn't even get a chance to go to his funeral. As soon as I was able to walk again my family started telling me that I had to get my daughter a new daddy. I didn't want to give her a new one. I wanted her old back. But I did it anyhow, because I thought that was the right thing to do. I thought that by not doing it I was being selfish, and denying her a daddy.
You know, I really don't like opening up my life like this. I really wish I could do this in private, but something is telling me that someone else needs to hear this conversation. This may be for me right now, and also maybe for you, but in my heart, I also know that someone else is benefiting from this. So instead of PMing you, I'll keep it open to everyone.
Did you read my thread "Do they know?" I think it's in this section. I thought I had up to 10 years left with my husband, but he knew better. He was trying to tell me good bye right before that car hit us. Death is so strange. It's sort of like a mystery.
Sorry, I sort of got off topic, and I now only have forty five minutes left of my lunch. Anyhow, how do I tell him good bye? I can't go to the cemetary. It's in New York. Even when I do, I completely fall apart. Here I can at least pretend that he's not really gone. But there I have to face it. I just want to get a shovel, start digging, and jump in there with him. When I go, I bring a blanket and I fall asleep right beside him. After I've been there for hours either my daughter will come walking up, or one of my in laws will drive up to get me. Now someone always goes with me. I'll be strong if I'm not alone. If I'm alone I'll totally fall apart. If I fall apart for too long it takes a long time to come back. Sometimes I'm so afraid that I'll loose myself. So you see, I sort of can't cry. I'll go too far. I've seen so many people fall into the realm of darkness. I don't want to go there. If I'm strong, and pretend that everything is okay, than I won't go there.
But if I loose it, I may not be able to come back. Sort of like an alcholic having a drink. They're okay until they have that first one, thank they can't help themselves and they drank themselves stupid. I'm afraid that once I start crying I won't be able to stop. That I'll sink into a total depression, and I won't be able to come back. That's one of my worst fears.
I better send this now before my lunch is totally over.
Hey, Thanks for listening.
