other people undermining authority

[Katydid]

Ok, I have this concept that works rather well, when we are at another person's house, if my children do something wrong, they must apologise to the host. This has happened a few times. For instance, my kids and I went to a friend's friend's house for Thanksgiving dinner. My three year old jumped on her couch. I told him that he needed to go and apologise to Mrs. Paula. Before he got over to her, she started saying "Oh no, he doesn't have to do that." Then to him," Oh honey it's alright you don't have to say that, it's OK". Why is it that when I try to make my children responsible for their actions, other people always step in and make it out like it is OK. I mean, when someone else's child is told to do that for me, I always say something like "Let's just not do that again, OK. I forgive you". But, I never give them a reason NOT to follow through and feel the sting of having to apologise. I mean, I can't force someone else to listen to their apology, but I am getting frustrated. People act like they are embarassed that a three year old is rightfully apologising to them. Help, am I doing something wrong here or how do I get them to understand that this is how we learn. We learn by seeing the consequences of what we do. Thank you for any advice on how to deal wiht all of this.

 

[faith177]

yes that has happened to me too, most people have a hard time with seeing kids get into trouble. Its harder when its not your own child. If its someone you know well I would tell them when you arrived that you are working on manners with your child and it would be helpful if they accepted the appologies.

If its somewhere else I would either say its really important that he learns to say sorry or drop it and talk with him later saying I know they said it was ok but its really not and tell him the behaviors you expect. It is never ok to jump on furniture, couchs are for sitting.

 

[Katydid]

Yeah, my neighbors KNOW that my kids have to do that. My 7 year old is in the next stage, he actually has to say things like "Excuse me ma'am I am sorry I disrespected you". My neighbors expect this and even this one lady, a total stranger in the Post Office, complimented me on teaching him to respectfully apologise. It is just frustrating because most people expect the oldest to do that, but then when my three year old is expected to apologise with a simple "I'm sorry" they look at me like I am horrible. I just wish that respect was expected rather than looked at as a bad thing for little ones to know.

 

[andiesmama]

I know what you mean! I'm running into this because we're working on that awful concept of SHARING.... ...with Andie (she's 2 & 1/2). At her gym class, for example, she may snatch a toy away, or fuss when someone wants to play with one she's had for awhile...when I try to get her to give it to the other child, the parent usually says "oh, that's ok, mine can play with something else!" So I just tell them that we're working on sharing and this is the best way for her to learn! But it's hard, because it feels like she's getting conflicting messges, you know? Mom tells her one thing, and another adult tells her another??

 

[bliz]

I think rather than a friend undermining your authority we have a case of conficting authority.

You clearly have authority over how you raise your kids. Your hostess clearly has authority over her house and what goes on in it. When you and your kids are a guest in her home, there is some overlapping of authority going on. You are looking at the issue of what is best for your children. She is looking at the issue as what a proper hostess should do and having a lovely day for everyone.

It could very well be that you are embarassing adults by asking your chidren to apologize properly. Perhaps they did/do not do this with their own children, so this may make they uncomfortable. But, at least in this case, the hostess is clearly not the enemy, she's probably just in hostess mode and thinks that she is being polite to her young guests. Assure your children that Mrs. So & So is bieng a gracious hostess in her response to them and that they still did the right thing in apologizing for what they did wrong.

 

[andiesmama]

Great response Bliz! I never thought of it that way, thanks!!

 

[alaskamolly]

I'm kind of like Bliz described when I have guests, yet like Katydid with my own children!


When I'm at someone's home and one of my children needs to get "in trouble," I expect a "oh, no, it's FINE" from the parent, and I'm ready to head it off at the pass. So while I'm lecturing whozit about their crime, as the parent comes to me with their "oh, don't worry about it," I just say, "Well, this is a rule in our house, and so this is important that they don't get away with breaking it," and that usually ends the conversation.

The host is usually, honestly, just pretending like she doesn't want any conflict. Behind her hostess manners, however, she's usually GLAD that discipline is being maintained amongst the children, and appreciates that mine aren't going to start running wild and crazy (which, if I ignored their behaviour, then makes HER the one that then has to deal with them, making have us over a real chore!).

Don't you hate dealing with other people's children at your own house, when the PARENT IS THERE? I have some relatives that just let their oldest run wild, including at our house, and it drives me nuts to have to be the one that steps in to stop her from taking everybody's toys and biting/hitting the other children. I hate it when they come over--it might be relaxing for them, but by the time they leave, I'm ready to pull my hair out!


So even though I always try to be a gracious hostess with others and say that their child's behaviour is fine, I am always glad when they correct their child anyhow. It makes me want to have them back often.

And my children KNOW that while it's "ok" if guest children act up a bit, MY children are NOT allowed to act up! And the same is true when we go to others homes. We have explained that other families have different rules, and that's perfectly ok (we are all different!), but in our family, we have OUR standards and they ARE required to be followed, and no sweet hostess in the world is going to save you from your doom if you try and knowingly violate the standard...

Blessings,
Molly

 

[Katydid]

Molly, Bliz, you are both so correct. Basically, I ran into this same woman last night. She complimented me on my children's behavior and thanked me for coming over with my children who as she put it "are so polite and well behaved". I think she just didn't want to make the children feel uncomfortable with her. So, you two are right, she wanted to be the good hostess, and yet she was glad that I kept them in control. Thank you all for allowing me to vent a little.