Only one praying for change...

[Brklynflp]

Hi all, I've been with my husband for 20 years this year. Since day one, he's always been a big big believer, God fearing man. But he's also always been a social butterfly. Once or twice a week he'll head out right after work to happy hour and not come home until 4/5 in the morning drunk and cocained up (he admitted to me he does it but when i get upset about it, he always finds a way to either brush it off or justify it). 4 years ago, i gave up all hope, stopped going to church and abandoned my faith (which I'm SO ashamed to admit) started hanging out with the wrong people from work and ended up having an affair. 50 years of drinking and drugging is no excuse for what i did, but i know why i did it. I was so unhappy and because my husband never wanted to - then and now - to sacrifice his ways of life because it would make him unhappy. He needs to be the life of the party, the go to person when a friend needs weed or coke. He's up and at em when it comes to his friends, but i can't really turn to him when i need him. He barely goes to our 9 year old daughter's softball games because he's either too hungover or not wanting to get up early.
I am trying SO HARD to redeem myself for betraying him and being the wife i want to be for him... but because of what i did does that now put me on a position to not complain about anything he does anymore? Did i just give him a permanent hall pass to get away with everything? He now frequents strip clubs after the bars close which gets him home at almost 7am. He hangs out with my cousins and all their friends who are half his age.... that's not my idea of a kingdom husband at all. He knows this but he says the memories and devil attacking thoughts keep him out. My actions were not of those as a kingdom wife either. So I'm stuck. Please pray for me and any insight is more than appreciated.

 

[Poppyseed78]

It sounds like your husband's behaviors are spiraling out of control. Obviously your affair was wrong, but it doesn't give him free reign to use drugs, go to strip clubs, be out all night, and neglect his family. He's using a highly addictive and dangerous drug. I strongly recommend counseling for both of you. If he needs to find a new job, then so be it. If he feels pressured by his coworkers to indulge in the partying, then he has to change the company he keeps. If left unchecked, his behaviors will destroy all of your lives eventually - like if he drives while drunk or high and kills someone. I would consider this an urgent situation that needs to be fixed immediately. I do think it can be repaired, but only if he wants to change.

I'm praying for you, and I hope God restores your marriage.

 

[Brklynflp]

Thank you for your prayers!

In the past, years before the affair, i wanted to go to counseling to curb his social habits that were eating away at our relationship, but he said we didn't need it because it's not like he goes out and cheats on me. With my affair being so devastating, we actually did try to go to counseling, but it only lasted a couple of sessions because they were trying to tell him that he needed to pull his weight to be am honorable husband and spiritual head of household but because he wasn't, the devil was and will continue to take advantage of every weakness that plagues our marriage. So because they didn't spend the whole time beating me up for being so treacherous, he refuses to go to counseling now. I started going to counseling on my own some time after the affair to get right with myself and my redemption because i suffer greatly still with guilt and the thought of this being my new normal has me extremely depressed. Feel like all i can really do is pray, but how long will we go through this. Even after having our two girls he never changed or sacrificed his way of life for us. It's sad...

 

[Poppyseed78]

I'm sorry your husband is resistant to counseling. Concerning your guilt, God is forgiving and merciful, even when we fall. Through repentance and prayer I believe your guilt will lessen. Please know that it's not your fault that your husband stays out all night and uses drugs. That's 100% his decision.

What has your counselor suggested in regards to your husband's behavior? I would expect most therapists would have some advice for something like this. Have you discussed this with any family or friends? I would consider leaving. At some point your children will start to notice that something is wrong.

 

[Brklynflp]

They told me all i can really do is pray and work on getting myself right with the Lord, which is what I've been trying to do, but the devil screams guilt and depression in my ear all the time. I've tried, years and years before the affair, to have his family intervene and plead with him but it always backfires on me. He says everyone looks down on him and gangs up on him, the same way he feels the counselors did. Btw, while the drinking is nothing new to me, the drugs and strip club thing is... but I'm more this sure it's not new for him. He just doesn't care to hide it anymore. Certain things I'm so aware of now.... And it's sad.

 

[Poppyseed78]

You could separate. Sometimes leaving for a while is what it takes for someone to snap out of their destructive habits. Eventually your children will realize their father is out all night, and they will start asking questions. I'm sorry to be harsh, but his behavior is really alarming.

 

[Brklynflp]

Unfortunately our kids are well aware of his coming home late on certain nights. Our 15 year old doesn't say much but our 9 year old always asks "is daddy coming home tonight?"... If he is at home getting ready to go somewhere without us she'll ask where he's going and all he'll say is "out" or "meeting someone" I hate it, this is not what i want to be teaching my girls a marriage should be.

 

[Poppyseed78]

By maintaining the status quo, you are showing your kids that what your husband does is okay. Kids see it as condoning/approving of the behavior. They don't understand the complicated nuances. Your younger child asking if her dad is coming home is heartbreaking. I'm really sorry you're in this situation, and I'm praying that it improves. But in your shoes, I would seriously consider asking him to stay elsewhere until he gets his life together. If he wants to act like a frat boy, he can do so elsewhere instead of parading it in front of the kids.

 

[Brklynflp]

I agree. Well thank you so much for taking some time out to respond and offer your prayers and advice. I truly appreciate it. God bless you!