Online dating woes

[Celticaire]

A question for the men: I have been online dating for some time now in an effort to meet single Christian men, as I typically do not meet them at church or at work at all. I've met plenty of frogs, and a few nice guys that ended up being friends, but no one that ever worked for even so much as a relationship.

I am currently talking regularly to three guys that I met online. One has traveled to visit me twice (he lives several hours away) and I would happily date him, but he has told me that he wants to focus on his health before he dates anyone seriously (he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes shortly after we first met and needs to lose a good amount of weight before he will be healthy again.) I don't know that I really believe this, but you can't force it. He seems to enjoy talking to me, as he texts or calls me nearly every other night. The second is an intelligent, nerdy type that is a relatively new Christian who seems sincere, but doesn't see the value of attending church and learning from others. The third is a divorced dad of two who has been a Christian for much longer than the last guy, but also seems more of a smooth operator. All three of these guys are in their late thirties.

And now, we get down to the gist of my question: in the space of a few weeks, both the second and the third guys have offered to send me pictures of their penises. And the third one then proceeded to send me the pic, after I told him not to. Why do I have one nice guy that is totally uninterested and two guys that are acting like sleezebags, and all 3 supposedly Christians? Help!

What is going on here???

 

[HauntedByYou]

Because, regardless of gender, all people are screwed up on some level. It sounds to me like you are rushing things. You're out meeting all kinds of guys, juggling different people around. When you choose to use this secular mentality to date, you're going to run into more variations of people. And this kind of dating attracts 'sleezebags'. Both men and women.
I suggest try finding ways to just make guy friends and keep your eyes open. I don't do random dates, dating sites and all that. I just hop online and meet people through forums or whatnot.
And, back to my 'rushing things' comment. The problem here isn't that you haven't met anyone, it's that you have met someone who is interested, and you in return, but you would have to wait. Which you are obviously not willing to do. So if you put limits on yourself, you're going to limit your options as well. If this first guy is so good, and you were sincere in a genuine interest in him, you would want to wait. But it sounds to me like you don't know any of these guys well enough to really know them to any degree. Its all pretty new. Seems to me you have to decide if the little you know of the first guy is worth the risk of waiting until he's ready, if you don't like him enough to wait, if the risk of nothing happening is too great, or if you're in too big of a hurry to wait.
The other two, well, there are a lot of people out there. When you go out seek people out you're going to find all types. And just because they say they're Christians doesn't mean anything.

 

[Celticaire]

Because, regardless of gender, all people are screwed up on some level. It sounds to me like you are rushing things. You're out meeting all kinds of guys, juggling different people around. When you choose to use this secular mentality to date, you're going to run into more variations of people. And this kind of dating attracts 'sleezebags'. Both men and women.
I suggest try finding ways to just make guy friends and keep your eyes open. I don't do random dates, dating sites and all that. I just hop online and meet people through forums or whatnot.
And, back to my 'rushing things' comment. The problem here isn't that you haven't met anyone, it's that you have met someone who is interested, and you in return, but you would have to wait. Which you are obviously not willing to do. So if you put limits on yourself, you're going to limit your options as well. If this first guy is so good, and you were sincere in a genuine interest in him, you would want to wait. But it sounds to me like you don't know any of these guys well enough to really know them to any degree. Its all pretty new. Seems to me you have to decide if the little you know of the first guy is worth the risk of waiting until he's ready, if you don't like him enough to wait, if the risk of nothing happening is too great, or if you're in too big of a hurry to wait.
The other two, well, there are a lot of people out there. When you go out seek people out you're going to find all types. And just because they say they're Christians doesn't mean anything.

Maybe I should have elaborated a little more, but I didn't want to get too wordy. I have known the first guy I described for well over a year now. And I have been waiting all this time, just being a good friend and and trying to be patient. I am still waiting. But if he can't get things together before I meet someone else, that will be his loss, as he never explicitly asked me to wait for him. He just said that he didn't want to date, in a generic way.

 

[HauntedByYou]

Maybe I should have elaborated a little more, but I didn't want to get too wordy. I have known the first guy I described for well over a year now. And I have been waiting all this time, just being a good friend and and trying to be patient. I am still waiting. But if he can't get things together before I meet someone else, that will be his loss, as he never explicitly asked me to wait for him. He just said that he didn't want to date, in a generic way.

Ah, well, in that case, then yeah, keep your eyes out. I'm in a similar situation myself. So i get the frustration.
Far as the rest of what i said, still think it applies.

 

[StassiT]

Because, regardless of gender, all people are screwed up on some level. It sounds to me like you are rushing things. You're out meeting all kinds of guys, juggling different people around. When you choose to use this secular mentality to date, you're going to run into more variations of people. And this kind of dating attracts 'sleezebags'. Both men and women.
I suggest try finding ways to just make guy friends and keep your eyes open. I don't do random dates, dating sites and all that. I just hop online and meet people through forums or whatnot.
And, back to my 'rushing things' comment. The problem here isn't that you haven't met anyone, it's that you have met someone who is interested, and you in return, but you would have to wait. Which you are obviously not willing to do. So if you put limits on yourself, you're going to limit your options as well. If this first guy is so good, and you were sincere in a genuine interest in him, you would want to wait. But it sounds to me like you don't know any of these guys well enough to really know them to any degree. Its all pretty new. Seems to me you have to decide if the little you know of the first guy is worth the risk of waiting until he's ready, if you don't like him enough to wait, if the risk of nothing happening is too great, or if you're in too big of a hurry to wait.
The other two, well, there are a lot of people out there. When you go out seek people out you're going to find all types. And just because they say they're Christians doesn't mean anything.

Good advice

Celticaire, have you told the first guy or any of them what you're looking for/want?

 

[Celticaire]

Good advice

Celticaire, have you told the first guy or any of them what you're looking for/want?

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by tell them what I am looking for. The first guy, whom I've known for a long time, knows a lot about me and what I want, yes. The second guy, who is a newer acquaintance, knows what I want via my profile where I state it plainly, but I haven't talked with him explicitly about it, no. Guys tend to run the other way when you mention that you are looking to get married too early in a relationship, even though you don't necessarily mean them. The third guy has actually been a facebook friend for 2 years or so and just recently started pursuing me after I moved to a location closer to him for work. So he has had ample time to learn all about me through my postings, which illustrate what I'm looking for very clearly.

Does that answer your question?

 

[StassiT]

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by tell them what I am looking for. The first guy, whom I've known for a long time, knows a lot about me and what I want, yes. The second guy, who is a newer acquaintance, knows what I want via my profile where I state it plainly, but I haven't talked with him explicitly about it, no. Guys tend to run the other way when you mention that you are looking to get married too early in a relationship, even though you don't necessarily mean them. The third guy has actually been a facebook friend for 2 years or so and just recently started pursuing me after I moved to a location closer to him for work. So he has had ample time to learn all about me through my postings, which illustrate what I'm looking for very clearly.

Does that answer your question?

Yeah it does. Trust me I know what you're going through, I also recently got my heartbroken so I'm still hurting. My best advice would be to go with the man that shares your values as well as the most consistent.

 

[Celticaire]

Yeah it does. Trust me I know what you're going through, I also recently got my heartbroken so I'm still hurting. My best advice would be to go with the man that shares your values as well as the most consistent.

I'm sorry to hear that I kind of feel perpetually heartbroken, myself. I really, really wish that I could just go with the first guy. I would, in a heartbeat, if he actually started pursuing me again. But he is holding off, and I really don't know why.

 

[Nate1980]

Sorry for your on line dating trouble. As a man I have had good success using online dating that is how I met my fiancée. Maybe you should continue to look for a good Christian.

 

[Celticaire]

Sorry for your on line dating trouble. As a man I have had good success using online dating that is how I met my fiancée. Maybe you should continue to look for a good Christian.

Thanks Nate, I hope that it will lead to something good, but I don't know what to think. I've been on various sites (I rotate every 6 months or so) for about 4 years now. The only thing that keeps me trying is that I just don't meet anyone in the course of my everyday life, so it at least improves the odds that I will meet someone right.

 

[Nickybobby]

And now, we get down to the gist of my question: in the space of a few weeks, both the second and the third guys have offered to send me pictures of their penises. And the third one then proceeded to send me the pic, after I told him not to. Why do I have one nice guy that is totally uninterested and two guys that are acting like sleezebags, and all 3 supposedly Christians? Help!

There are a lot of people who call themselves Christians. I keep seeing studies saying some ridiculous percentage of US adults are Christians, I guess we all have different definitions of what that means. If they're sending you pictures of their penises, it should give you a pretty clear indication about what they're looking for - not a committed relationship but a "hookup."

I, too, am using online dating at the moment. Within the first few conversations, I like to make my beliefs and "no no's" list (what level of physical intimacy I'm comfortable with & things that would be deal breakers for me) clear. I think this is the mature thing to do. I also really appreciate it when the gals do the same; it puts us on a level playing field.

I say keep looking, get rid of the 3 immediately, and take your concerns to God.

 

[Angeles]

A lot people call themselves Christian. Reading the Bible everyday don't make you a Christian, if you DO NOT apply what the Bible say you are wasting your time. God Bless you.

 

[AVTechMan]

I used to try dating sites years ago, but have gave up on them. I was never certain whether you could really meet anyone sincere on those sites. Its easier to hide who you really are on dating sites as compared to meeting them in person.

On the flip side, I have somewhat an easier time trying to meet someone online since I am not very good at meeting someone in person.

 

[russianorth]

I would not have had the relationship success that I have had through out life had it not been for online dating. I meet very few people in my every day life, other than work. But I have a VERY good job and im not willing to flush my career down the drain over a relationship gone awry. So that leaves online dating.

Also keep in mind men have ALOT to loose in a divorce so they are not in a rush to get married and may never want to get legally married (especially if they have been divorced), but they also dont want to be celibate forever either. So it can become quite the quandry even for lagit christians. Women take on a MUCH lower liability when they get married.

 

[Deidre32]

To me, internet dating sites are just horrid. You will meet ten times more sleazy guys, than you will meet quality people. It's just like that, for some reason. I also don't like the feel of it feeling like a job hunting expedition. Dating should be fun, and should sort of flow effortlessly...not feel like you're hunting for your next employer.

What you're experiencing sadly, isn't unusual when it comes to dating sites. I have always avoided them.

 

[iluvatar5150]

I'm sorry to hear that I kind of feel perpetually heartbroken, myself. I really, really wish that I could just go with the first guy. I would, in a heartbeat, if he actually started pursuing me again. But he is holding off, and I really don't know why.

He lives several hours away, for starters. That's a really big problem.

I see that you live in Boston. I live in Foxboro and go to church in Cambridge (that is, until I move in a few weeks) - not for nothing, but if you haven't met any decent Christian guys in Boston, you haven't been looking too hard. There are a lot of decent churches and PLENTY of good, single guys in their late 20's and early 30's (and for the most part, they're also well-educated and stable, too). There are few places in the country so skewed in favor of the single lady.

If you're not meeting anybody at your current church, try going to a different church or at least socializing with people from different churches.

 

[Purge187]

He lives several hours away, for starters. That's a really big problem.

I see that you live in Boston. I live in Foxboro and go to church in Cambridge (that is, until I move in a few weeks) - not for nothing, but if you haven't met any decent Christian guys in Boston, you haven't been looking too hard. There are a lot of decent churches and PLENTY of good, single guys in their late 20's and early 30's (and for the most part, they're also well-educated and stable, too). There are few places in the country so skewed in favor of the single lady.

If you're not meeting anybody at your current church, try going to a different church or at least socializing with people from different churches.

I live in Oxford.

Back when I was still interested in getting hitched, I was a member of a "Christian" dating site that had profiles from women with nicknames like--out of respect for forum rules--"have sex with me" spelled backwards. When I called the site's contact number, I got a womens' health clinic in Connecticut. I kid you not.

I kept my profile up on Christian Mingle just for sheets and goggles. Women "smile" at me before viewing my profile. Yes, women can be shallow too.

 

[ciaradawn]

Online dating is terrible! I also tried it on and off for 4 years with zero luck. However, I met the man I am currently dating online and he is a wonderful man. When we first met we both thought it wouldn't work out and then after several months we started talking again and are both very happy.

That being said, I don't recommend online dating. Unless you're willing to be SUPER picky. I know that we all want to be understanding of others and give them a chance, honestly most of the people online (guys AND girls) are just looking for sex or attention. And a lot of them are probably in relationships and are cheating. So be very wary. It's a scary world out there.

Don't sell yourself short. If a guy sends you pics of himself just stop talking to him. He doesn't respect you or himself. Don't waste your time. Be very upfront with what you want on your profile. I was and I actually had a guy message me and tell me that if I wanted more contact from guys I should change it; well I guess it was working I didn't want more contact from sleazy guys!

There will always be those creepers that message you disgusting things even if you want to or not. And I met some pretty gross people on Christian sites, so those places are not better.

Good luck! Don't give too much credence to the online dating world. take it for what it is, just have some fun and don't take it too seriously.

Have you ever completely deleted your profiles for awhile and let it alone? If you haven't give that a try. Just forget about dating for awhile. Go back to it every now and then but focus more on yourself and what you like to do; go out and volunteer, start a group at church or something. Eventually something will happen, JUST DON'T SETTLE!!!

 

[russianorth]

Online dating sucks but its better than the alternative.

 

[gtussy]

Online Dating takes more work and I am currently getting to know a woman I met on eharmony.