I haven't reached the one year anniversary yet. It's been seven months for me but we were married for 38 years and went together for five. There's no way we'll ever be ok after a year without them. We did everything together and I'm lost without him, completely lost. We lost two children years ago, one at two months and one a week before her second birthday from a very rare genetic disease. For some reason, I thought those losses would have protected me from this, but it didn't. We just went out for a last bike ride on an unseasonably nice day for lunch and were coming back to go to a play at our local library when he had a freak accident and somehow hit a curb and it bent the wheel of the bike in each direction so that it couldn't turn anymore and unfortunately there was a lamp post a few feet away and he hit the post with his head and then the bike fell in the other direction and he flew about 15 feet away in the other direction. I only saw his bike falling and felt terrible that he had fallen, but I never expected what I found when I got off my bicycle and got to him. He was having a seizure and I took out my cell phone to call for help thinking, what am I doing, he's going to hate the fact that I'm calling an ambulance, but before I knew it I was beig told her needed brain surgery and the he had a 50% chance of coming out of it and he never did. Instead they came in and told me he was almost completely brain dead and if I didn't disconnect the drain from his brain and stop the meds, there was a slight chance he could live but he'd never be anything but a vegetable. I asked to see the CT scans myself and knew I couldn't let him live like that.
I just get through it one day at a time and pray God it will be God's will to take me too so we can be together. He always affectionately called me "partner" and we used to say the "hold" we had when he came home from work every day was the best part of our day and so long as we had that, we had everything.
I just came back from our grandson's grade school graduation. I "felt" him there with us, but it wasn't the same as all of the other grandparents there together laughing and enjoying the day together. I'm also dreading Father's Day. We always went to a special antique car show he loved and out for dinner. Instead, I'll be going to the cemetery this year.
I miss him as much as I love him, so I think it's going to be like this until it's my time too. I don't care to do any of the things we did together anymore. Without him, it just isn't the same. It wasn't just going out to dinner, it was the way we felt when we were out. If we sat in a booth, we sat on the same side and I was always leaning on him. If we we at a table, we pulled out chairs closer and we shared dinners many times, from appetizers to dessert. Now going out to eat would just be to eat. We washed windows together, painted the house together, worked in the yard together, sipped wine and talked for hours over appetizers at home and curled up watching movies together, took long walks and worked out together. We knew one day the one that would be left would be lost but we never ever dreamed it would end quickly and suddenly one day with no warning. Just out riding our bikes enjoying a beautiful day. Two weeks before we were on a trail in MI and I said it's time for us to get helmets. There were many places where it dropped off and I never wanted them before, but now I said it was time. Unfortunately, this was just supposed to be one short ride for lunch and we were going to get them this Spring and get new tires for our bikes too.
There's just so many things to do, things to learn on my own now and decisions we always made together I now have to do myself. I don't think we ever get over this. In the beginning my Dr. prescribed xanax over the phone to get me by while I was out of town over the holidays with our grandchildren, but said I had to take an antidepressant when I came back. I didn't want to but he said I couldn't stay on a high dose of xanax so I agreed. I had an allergic reaction to two he gave me an he told me they were in my head because I didn't want to take them so I didn't go back to him, my allergist no less. Instead I went to my Dad's internist but he was no better, he took me off all the xanax and replaced it with valium and another antidepressant and of course with a bad reaction. His answer was to put me in the hospital and put me on valium to get me off of the xanax. I told him that's just what I had a reaction to so he recommended a psychiatrist. I should have told her I didn't want to take anything, but at that point I was scared and desperate and let her prescribe one. That was quite awhile ago now, but just recently I told her I wanted off all drugs after reading what they do to our brains and she said no one can make me take them and she started a schedule so I could reduce them. Unfortunately, they can make us anxious and depressed too and we don't know what's us and what's the drugs. I'm on half the dose now and am feeling more depressed, but I'm feeling more clear headed at least. I just keep telling myself to take it one day at a time, one minute at a time when a day seems like too much to think about. I also talk to a social worker I met through a friend's church and we've since become friends. Our kids went to the same Christian school together. She too lost her husband four years ago and she is taking an antidepressant and still cries and still wishes she was with her husband too, even though she has two jobs, is very involved in her church and volunteers, etc.
There just isn't an easy way. I know I just want him back or want to be with him. I thought losing our children was devastating, but then I had him to get through it with, now I don't have him to help me through this one. I'm open for any ideas you have too. I figure at some point, I'll look for a job to get up and out of the house, but right now I still can't even write a check without shaking and it's barely even legible.
Sorry this is so long, I guess I just had to get it out too.
Love, Gail
