One Couple, Two Churches?

[Solitaire]

My husband and I met at church. The service we were then going to was one of the more contemporary types favoured by a lot of youth nowadays. That was years ago.

In the last few years, and more particularly since being married over the last year, our worship preferences have started to change. DH still loves the loud in-your-face contemporary service at the church we met at. I think those services have just become more and more gimmmicky, and I just get NOTHING out of them. I feel like they've lost sight of the basic concept of worship, and it has turned into a huge audio-visual show more than anything.

However, this works for DH. So he goes to that. He asks me to come, but whenever I do I walk away feeling more frustrated than anything, so I resist going and haven't been for quite a while.

On the other hand, this same church runs another service that is much more back-to-basics. It is smaller and simpler and very much fits my current needs in terms of worship and fellowship. DH goes along to this when I say "I'd really like to go to this service on Sunday", but it doesn't do it for HIM as much, as we don't really go all that often to that one either.

My question is, DH and I really enjoy going to church together. Neither of us wants to go on our own. That would just be weird. And yet, we can't seem to reconcile our different needs.

I've suggested going to try some different churches in our city to maybe find another environment that would suit us both, but DH is really resistant to this as he pretty much grew up in this church, has family and friends there, and doesn't want to leave (and that is beyond the massive political thing this would be amongst our family and friends).

What would you do in this circumstance? Has anyone ever been confronted with this?

I am not sure what to do. What happens most Sundays now is that we either don't go, or DH might go to his service. Sometimes I will tag along, rather grudgingly, because he begs me to come and be with him.

Any advice?

Thanks guys

 

[AveMaria]

I realize that attending difference services isn't idea, but I did have one idea.

If the 2 services are held back-to-back, is there any chance that you could each attend your preferred service while the other helps out with Sunday School or preparing for coffee hour, or otherwise engages in some sort of ministry?

 

[LiberatedChick]

Could you alternate...one week go to his type of service, the next to yours, etc, etc?

 

[Leanna]

The kind of church you are describing with the "gimmicky" is very much like the church my husband and I used to attend. I know how you feel. We both grew tired of it. I can understand though, growing up in a church, how your husband might be attached to it. I can tell you this, there ARE churches out there that are a compromise between the two you just mentioned. My husband and I attend one. It has contemporary music, but not so much emphasis placed on being, what we will call "emotional and expressive." The messages are deeper and to the point and we are happy. But we had to visit several churches to find this one.

I hate to be the difficult one, but I do disagree with the posters before me. I think attending BOTH churches defeats the point of joining one fellowship and branch of the family of God and getting involved. I think going to church is about more than just the Sunday morning service, its about having fellowship, sharing communion with your brothers and sisters, and having a Christian family to back you. So I think that going to two churches defeats that, and going to separate churches would keep the two of you from sharing something that could be a great experience.

Also, on a slightly separate note, I find that people who stick with the same church they grew up with miss out on something, they stop growing, they get stagnant and stubborn in their ways. All of my husband's family went to the same church for like 100 years. Even the people who are still at the church I grew up with, a different church, have become "stuck." I think there comes a time when you get married and create your own family unit, that its time to reevaluate your family and its needs and most likely find a church where you can be "you" rather than the "you" that the church has assigned you and your parents, etc. I don't know if that makes any sense.

So I guess in my opinion you have two choices to pray about,

1. Talk further to hubby who should care enough to look at other churches with you to find the best fit for both of you, I hope that he will be willing to do this after further expressions of how you feel.

2. If that doesn't work then I would suggest submitting to your husband's choice on this matter (yes this is coming from me who does not believe in woman-man submission, but I do believe you should submit to one another and show God's love) just to show him love on this, it is something you give to him, and give God time to change his mind if He wants.

 

[janny108]

What are the service times for both churches? Maybe you can work something out if they have evening services or midweek services. Then you would not have to choose between one or the other.
Jan

 

[Linnis]

I started attending church without my hubby. He had shyed away from church even before I met him because most if not all churches had turned most of their services into light shows, with over the top music, revivals in parking lots...not his kind of Worship he likes traditional hymns and good solid sermans, not some red faced sweaty man screaming over music...Yes it's good for some but not for him and when I first saw church that way I was scared...reminded me of thoase churches on TV.

My church has a traditional service and a contemparary. I like the contemp. he likes the traditional. I know he needs one kind of worship and I need another, so we go to both. If he has to be at wrk before noon, we go to "his" service, if it's later we'll go to mine. Sometimes if we don't have to be anywhere until 2, we'll go to both.

We are staying within one church body. I do not think flipping between two churches would be good either. Unless you just want the Sunday service out of it.

Is your husband staying there because he honestly likes it or because it's comfortable. Sure he's grown and married but are you sure he isn't just staying in his comfort zone? Something he's used to with his family and friends. Just a thought.

 

[RedTulipMom]

If both services are at the same church, why not just go every other week to each servcie..together? You might not LOVE his service, he might not LOVE your service..but atleast you get what you LIKE every other week..and you are both happy. Cant you just go to his every other week even though it isnt your favorite, just so you and him can go Together every week? thats what we would do, unless my husband felt very strongly we needed to stick to one service, in that case i would go to HIS service because we are called to submit to our husbands. I would suggest to him the every other week idea and if he was ok with it, i would do that!

 

[Solitaire]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I guess for now we'll just keep on alternating when we do occasionally go to church now. I actually dislike going to church when it is the super contemporary service as I leave feeling immensely frustrated and sad and unfulfilled. Hubby doesn't mind the other service, but it certainly doesn't do it for him really.

I appreciate the comments on people stagnating if they stay in the one church too long, and I think that is definitely true. We have had lots of talks about this, and will obviously continue to have some more, but at the moment I think I am really towards us just biting the bullet and branching out a bit to try something new.

It is very hard because once upon a time our worship preferences were quite similar, and now they are quite different. Anyway, we will continue to pray and talk this through, and we'll see what happens.

Thanks all.

 

[InTheFlame]

Are you two attending a bible study or home group during the week?

Y'know, I'm starting to think that 'church' is sometimes highly over-rated. By 'church' I mean that hour, hour and a half on Sundays when we go and sing songs to God (telling him stuff he already knows), listen to a sermon, pray a bit, then go home.

But when people meet together, talk over their struggles, read the bible together, and pray for each other... I think this is more 'church' than the service. Maybe you two could compromise with a mid-week small group, separate 'church' services, and a couple of quick study/pray sessions together each week?

(Did that help at all, or was I just rambling? )

 

[Leanna]

Are you two attending a bible study or home group during the week?

Y'know, I'm starting to think that 'church' is sometimes highly over-rated. By 'church' I mean that hour, hour and a half on Sundays when we go and sing songs to God (telling him stuff he already knows), listen to a sermon, pray a bit, then go home.

But when people meet together, talk over their struggles, read the bible together, and pray for each other... I think this is more 'church' than the service. Maybe you two could compromise with a mid-week small group, separate 'church' services, and a couple of quick study/pray sessions together each week?

That's how I feel about it too. Since I've been around church for many.... many years and my husband went to a Christian university with daily chapel, plus his major was pastoral, plus he was an intern that required us to attend 3 services a week, plus two small groups, for 6 months, yeah.......... I've heard more sermons than the average person. To me church isn't about Sunday morning service and the worship, its about getting involved, the small group we attend and anything else you can go to... its getting INTO the body of Christ rather than just attending and viewing a service. Thats why I recommended NOT going to different services, because if you do get involved I don't see how you could get involved in two churches, or how you could have different friends because you are a part of different churches.... it just isn't practical to me. Sure, you could each attend a separate service, but I don't see how that helps getting involved or having someone to be accountable to other than spouse.... but then maybe that's just me.... I care about connecting to the body of Christ within my church. So we attend small groups, etc.

 

[InTheFlame]

Keep in mind, ppl, that Solitaire was talking about the same church, different services - not different churches.

 

[seamonster]

I think going to a Bible study together is a great idea. My Love and I go to different churches because he's deployed at the moment. In December we'll be living together and be able to attend the same church, but neither of us is particularly picky about where to attend, so I don't think it'll be a problem. (Then again, we're newlyweds, what do we know? ) *Does* the church have different services? If not, could you find a church together that maybe offered a contemporary AND a traditional service? From the original post it sounds like your hubby is not willing to change churches, which, unfortunately means that the compromise is mostly up to you.

 

[Leanna]

Ohhhhh.... same church different service. I saw "two churches." Well then thats a different story.

 

[bliz]

I think that you are most furtunate to have two different styles of worship in one church!

Why is it weird for each of you to go to the service that feeds you on your own? Continually going to a service where you not only aren't fed, but become irritated and bothered is not a good situation spiritually. You will become increasingly angry and resentful.

I think that it would be a good idea for the two of you to take a set time period and go and visit the other churches in the area that are available to you. Who knows - you might return to this church thrilled and happy to be there, or you might find a new church home. YOur husband should at least be willing to go and look around with you.

But in the meantime, I don't see why you can't go to chruch together and each go to the service that meets your needs.

 

[Kelly]

I realize that attending difference services isn't idea, but I did have one idea.

If the 2 services are held back-to-back, is there any chance that you could each attend your preferred service while the other helps out with Sunday School or preparing for coffee hour, or otherwise engages in some sort of ministry?

<Edited now that I know it's the same church>

That's a really good suggestion. Go to the service that each prefers but each help out at the others. Problem solved. If that's not possible I think you should petition your husband with what concerns you but ultimately submit to his decision. You will be blessed regardless.