On the path to divorce

[cjba]

I'm at a loss for words. Any advise?

 

[E_Powers]

I'm at a loss for words. Any advise?

we need more info or all the replies will be either "Dont Do it" or "sure go a head".

 

[Autumnleaf]

Pray to God and read your Bible.

 

[Svt4Him]

I am really sorry. Hopefully you have friends who understand, I advise to call them when you need to, even if it's to sit around and talk about nothing.

And know it does feel better over time, and that God is not against you.

 

[cjba]

Stuggling in marriage for about 3 years now. Hubby not "in love" anymore. I was under the impression our relationship was going in the right direction. We had are ups and downs, yet we got along very well. 2 weeks ago I get the blow again - it is getting harder for him to show affection toward me. Yet, he does not want to move out. I guess you can say he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

I've prayed, we've gone to counseling - I've given this all to God and know he has a plan for us. However, it still hurts knowing this is coming to an end. Its a matter of time now. I can feel it.

Thanks and God Bless

 

[Autumnleaf]

Stuggling in marriage for about 3 years now. Hubby not "in love" anymore. I was under the impression our relationship was going in the right direction. We had are ups and downs, yet we got along very well. 2 weeks ago I get the blow again - it is getting harder for him to show affection toward me. Yet, he does not want to move out. I guess you can say he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

I've prayed, we've gone to counseling - I've given this all to God and know he has a plan for us. However, it still hurts knowing this is coming to an end. Its a matter of time now. I can feel it.

Thanks and God Bless

Maybe you should start to pull away a bit, even if you have to fake it. Usually pulling back causes the other person to value you more.

 

[cjba]

I've tried the pulling away a bit and then he thought I was the one with the attitude. I feel like a sitting duck waiting for him to give me the "d" word. People tell me this is his "midlife" crises.

I continually pray for strength and wisdom for this season in our lives. He however, feels praying and going to church is not for him all of a sudden. Of course this is due to he knows he is in sin.

Thank you for your response.

God Bless

 

[E_Powers]

i think alot of maritial problems and divorce stem from Precieved loss of "That loving feeling" that is just passion. its not love. love is the seeking of each others greater good to sit and hold them when things are bad, to rejoice when they are good. both people in a marriage will during the course of the relationship will "fall in and out of passion" it is normal. it doesnt mean it should be dissolved.

 

[Egghead]

Something about relationships is that they seem to work in cycles.
One month you love each other, the next you need lots of space and dont ''feel'' in love.

Before Id call it quits, either of you, Id make sure that this isnt just a cycle.

My wife and I give each other space when we need it and we dont worry when those cycles come around where we dont ''feel'' so much in love.

Love is more than feelings.
It is a lifetime commitment.

The feelings come and go over time, and I think a lot of marriages would have made it if peope would just realize that.

We have such a high divorce rate because instead of holding out, staying commited during those down cycles, many think theyre not in love anymore and run off with someone else, either emotionally or for real.

Of course, if this has been going on for some time, possibly he is not longer ''in love''.
But the funny thing about our emotions is they are very easily manipulated.
Even by ourselves.
He could easily learn to love you again if he wants to.
Its a matter of putting his heart into reviving what you once had.

good luck sis

Stuggling in marriage for about 3 years now. Hubby not "in love" anymore. I was under the impression our relationship was going in the right direction. We had are ups and downs, yet we got along very well. 2 weeks ago I get the blow again - it is getting harder for him to show affection toward me. Yet, he does not want to move out. I guess you can say he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

I've prayed, we've gone to counseling - I've given this all to God and know he has a plan for us. However, it still hurts knowing this is coming to an end. Its a matter of time now. I can feel it.

Thanks and God Bless

 

[cjba]

On my end I know that the "in love" feelings comes and go. I went through something very similar years ago. The difference was I never told my husband "I was not in love with him anymore" I went into prayer to not let this negativity come over our marriage. In my heart I felt this will pass. Marriage is a commitment and to be treasured and taken care of. I know love is a "choice". This is a choice he does not make. He feels that he can't help the way he feels. He has no control over it is what he tells me. Yet, I know this is a decision he has made. He tells me that he is here (in our home) waiting for his feelings to change. He has been waiting 3 years. I know with him not having faith in God to help him in this season of his life... it is a matter of time for him to tell me "he can't pretend anymore" He tells me he is burnt out on the subject of "religion". To me this really means "I have given up"

We are to have our 20th anniversay next month. It is supposee to be a time of celebration and all I have right now is fear.

Thank you to everyone who has responded. Sometimes it hard to release our feelings to someone we know.

God Bless

 

[E_Powers]

If he wants them to change he has to be willing to change them and make the change. no ferry is going to fly up and pound a wand on his head. and God gave ous freewill so he wont make ous to change. the ball is in his court.

 

[cjba]

I know the ball is in his court. I think he is waiting for the fairy to hit him on his head. To him, he can't help the way he feels. But again, I know it is a choice to let this take over his mind. He choses not to fight it.

 

[RJHarmony84]

All I can say is, Pray pray pray, and hope that it passes. Know that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. If you are still loving him and praying for him and giving him(or willing to give him)all the things that make life with another person a marriage, then you are doing all you can do. It's his decision, and only God can really change his mind.
My suggestion is that you separate from him for a few days--go spend a few days at a friend's house, show him how it would be, without you, and maybe that'll be the all fairy dust he needs. It sounds to me like he's just sulking, after a fashion, and needs a good wake-up call.

 

[Q-La]

May God give you the strength and wisdom on the situation. It's a terrible feeling when the heart of your beloved wanders away but as Chrisitans at least we have the comfort to know that Christ is walking with us.

Praying for you cjba.

 

[cjba]

This has been an extradinary weekend. All of a sudden I feel like the clouds have seperated and I can see a blue sky again. On Friday he did something that made feel that this is enough. It has been three years and I can not help him find peace. This is something he needs to do for himself. When we got home I immediately packed a bag for him and suggested he stay with a family member so he can sort things out. I wanted off of the roller coaster.

Of course he did not want to go. I told him this is not a place where he can choose what he likes and dislikes. This is a package deal...wife, raising the kids, the place we call home and being a family. I told him that I love him and I pary that he finds peace in his life.

He did not go but this time there was a condition for him to stay. He needed to make a decision. He needed to decide on what he wanted to be a single man or married man ... there was no inbetween. He needed to go for counseling, start going to church again, and take his medication on a daily basis. He started taking depression pills not that long ago. However, he did not take them on a regular basis. He agreed to all of it. I hope that with going to counseling he will not have to stay on medication.

I don't know how long this will last. But as of today, we listened to a church service, he taken his medication and he has been nice to me all weekend. He has acutally told me he loves me a couple of times. I'm not jumping any hoops but somehow I think the fairy gave me a little of her fairy dust over the weekend.

I've kept some distance between us to let him know I will not always be available. Maybe that was his problem. He thought he could keep going the way he way going and no matter what I would still be there. I told him I was ready to move on and he admitted this made him sad.

I have given this all to God and know that I am a stronger person for going through this trial. As of right now I feel that I will be ok with him or without him.

 

[RJHarmony84]

This has been an extradinary weekend. All of a sudden I feel like the clouds have seperated and I can see a blue sky again. On Friday he did something that made feel that this is enough. It has been three years and I can not help him find peace. This is something he needs to do for himself. When we got home I immediately packed a bag for him and suggested he stay with a family member so he can sort things out. I wanted off of the roller coaster.

Of course he did not want to go. I told him this is not a place where he can choose what he likes and dislikes. This is a package deal...wife, raising the kids, the place we call home and being a family. I told him that I love him and I pary that he finds peace in his life.

He did not go but this time there was a condition for him to stay. He needed to make a decision. He needed to decide on what he wanted to be a single man or married man ... there was no inbetween. He needed to go for counseling, start going to church again, and take his medication on a daily basis. He started taking depression pills not that long ago. However, he did not take them on a regular basis. He agreed to all of it. I hope that with going to counseling he will not have to stay on medication.

I don't know how long this will last. But as of today, we listened to a church service, he taken his medication and he has been nice to me all weekend. He has acutally told me he loves me a couple of times. I'm not jumping any hoops but somehow I think the fairy gave me a little of her fairy dust over the weekend.

I've kept some distance between us to let him know I will not always be available. Maybe that was his problem. He thought he could keep going the way he way going and no matter what I would still be there. I told him I was ready to move on and he admitted this made him sad.

I have given this all to God and know that I am a stronger person for going through this trial. As of right now I feel that I will be ok with him or without him.

This is good! Your trust in his newfound niceness shouldn't be blind, but apparently it isn't. You know that just because he has agreed to a few things, that doesn't make him a changed man. The distance between you and him is a good idea--it shows him that yes, he will have to work for your love & respect.
Will be praying that everything turns out well, for both of you.

 

[ChildByGrace]

I'm so glad it was a good weekend for you and i pray that this will be the start of a good thing.

It's never easy when you do 'love' someone anymore but take heart, my parents could of seperated/divorced anytime over the last 35 years as they weren't in love from about 6 months after they got married. However they are still married. It has been tough and they will be the first to admit that but they have one thing now that they didn't have 35 years ago and that is love - the choose to love each other.