On my wits end

[rcm]

Today was a good day. It was the first day working for a new client. A venture that is helping me get out of my financial problems. I got back to my home feeling happy and proud so I tell my wife about the day's work, everything was great till I accidentally mentioned the name of an associate whom she happens to hate. she hates him because she say's he is gay (The guy is married and very honorable, if he is secretly gay I do not know. I have him working for me because is a very valuable asset in my company and replacing his knowledge and experience will be almost impossible. She thinks the guy is after me or that we are lovers. She has even said it before our children.


My wife is very verbally abusive towards me. she calls me everything in the book and more. We have been married for 20 years but only in the last 9 years have things gone down hill. (the marriage always had problems) This after the birth of our last child.


Background.

I am a Christian since 1990 (Non affiliated)

She is a non practicing Catholic.


I have never been unfaithful.
I do not think she has been but she is always threaten to do so.

We have no intimacy for many years, Because of her attitudeI have lost interest in sex, she makes me very nervous. and mad.

Anytime I try to talk to her she insults me this gets me mad and I insult back.

She is a well paid executive

I am just getting back financially after many years of problems. By building a new business but all I get from her are insults. (she refuse to help pay home expenses, I have had to carry them despite not having a regular job for over 7 years)

I don 't know what to do? I would like to divorce her and find a women who will be my mate in all aspects but i have children that i dearly love and i want to protect and teach Gods way. I have been praying to God this is unbearable. I feel that i do not love this women but i know God can change hearts (hers and mine)

I don't want to give the impression that i am a saint, but i have never struck her, and prior to a couple of years ago i never answered abusively back. Sex was ok, I never get drunk or hangout with the guys, unless working i am always home early.


I think that she is possessed or mentally sick, I have done much praying, I am on my last ounce of patience.

What can I do?

rcm

 

[desi]

Maybe she is right about the guy being gay and after you? Women don't usually come up with such things on a whim. If choosing between him working for you and your marriage's health (wife being happy) is difficult for you, your wife is not to blame for your marital problems. You either have to allay her concerns or remove the problem.

 

[Worddancer]

Oh rcm . . my heart goes out to you. What a burden to have to bear, on top of everything else you are carrying. Have you ever considered counseling just for yourself, even if she is not willing to enter into it? I've found that sometimes it's impossible to change anyone else, but once we begin to find ways to heal ourselves, others around us will repond differently. I am tempted to think she won't change, no matter what you do, but that's not for me to say. She may, she may not, but you have to take care of your own needs, your own mental health. Not only for yourself, but your children as well. It's amazing you care so much about them, I'm happy to hear that!

I guess I'd try not to take too personally everything she accuses you of, and not react in kind, though I know all too well how hard it is not to . . "To thine own self be true" . . unfortunately, we sometimes absorb too much of our spouse's attitudes, good or bad, and end up losing ourselves. I would hope that God would honor your commitment to HIM and help you find wisdom through this pain.

Wish I could help more . . .

 

[theatrejunkie]

I'm not married BUT I do think I have a strong sense of people. I think, first of all, the guy is not gay. Your wife is either irrationally jealous or just manipulating you. Either way, the fact that she mentions this before your children is detestable and shows that she needs help.

I think all marraiges and save-able, and after living through my own parents' divorce, I know that they are a living hell for all involved (they don't have to be so hard, but that's how it usually ends up). I would strongly encourage you to seek counselling, and if your wife refuses to join you, then go alone. Pray for your wife's salvation and try to get her to church with you.

Maybe ask her why she responds this way. Perhaps she is missing the intimacy and feels the need to explain it away by putting blame elsewhere (by insulting you or insisting this guy is gay). Maybe remember why you fell in love with her and think specifically to why she fell in love with you, then try to re-spark that old flame.

Please resist fighting in front of your children too, even is she likes to force them into an audience. That will help set a good example.

Please keep us posted! I think it will require work, but I do bet there is something worth saving.

 

[msjones21]

she refuse to help pay home expenses, I have had to carry them despite not having a regular job for over 7 years

I'm sorry but I would not support a man financially who didn't have a job for seven years. Although, that gives her no excuse to abuse you especially in front of your children. Have the two of you sought counseling?

 

[mamaneenie]

Marriage is a partnership, I can't believe she didn't help you pay the bills when you were struggling with your business. I am sure you paid the bills when she was at home raising the kids. I am a SAHM at the moment, but I am sure that later on if I go back to work and if something happens to dh job, I would be happy to help pay the bills. After all that is what being a partner with someone is about, helping them in their weakness. (however, if he didn't want to work and wasn't trying that's a different matter)


As for the guy, I don't know if he is gay or not, but from what you have said about your wife, it would seem that she may have a problem with being jealous that you are starting to get somewhere in your business, just a thought.

 

[mamaneenie]

Marriage is a partnership, I can't believe she didn't help you pay the bills when you were struggling with your business. I am sure you paid the bills when she was at home raising the kids. I am a SAHM at the moment, but I am sure that later on if I go back to work and if something happens to dh job, I would be happy to help pay the bills. After all that is what being a partner with someone is about, helping them in their weakness. (however, if he didn't want to work and wasn't trying that's a different matter)


As for the guy, I don't know if he is gay or not, but from what you have said about your wife, it would seem that she may have a problem with being jealous that you are starting to get somewhere in your business, just a thought. It could also be a control issue, after 7 years of earning more money, she might not want to see you succeed financially.

 

[rcm]

Maybe she is right about the guy being gay and after you? Women don't usually come up with such things on a whim. If choosing between him working for you and your marriage's health (wife being happy) is difficult for you, your wife is not to blame for your marital problems. You either have to allay her concerns or remove the problem.

What you say will not reslove anything. She will find other situations. It has happend before.

rcm

 

[charligirl]

What an awful situation, awful but not hopeless because you have put your faith in God.

As I was reading your post rcm it brought to mind a story that our pastor preached on recently.

A man no longer loves his wife, the marriage has disintergrated and they cannot get along anymore. He wants a divorce but knows this is against God so he goes to see his pastor.

His pastor listens, sympathises with the situation and says to the man, "go home and love your wife". The man is confused and says, "no direspect pastor but, did you listen to anything I said? I don't love her anymore"

The pastor repeats " go home and love your wife"

The man is very exasperated... and retorts "that IS the problem, I don't love her anymore"

The pastor says again "and I am telling you to go home and LOVE your wife"

The man is now at his wits end, "but Pastor you are confused, I DON'T LOVE her anymore"

The pastor replies " it is you who are confused, love is a VERB not a noun, now go home and LOVE your wife"

The man then understaood that love is a choice, is a verb and, as a husband, is a command 'love your wife as christ loves the church' Feelings do not come into the equation.

He went home and did as the pastor said, he determined to LOVE her as Christ loved the church, he cherished and forgave, encouraged and cared for.. even when she was angry and spiteful... and an amazing thing happened, she changed, she blossomed and the marriage was saved.

Now, that is a story and doesn't go into detail, and of course it isn't that easy or quick.. but it CAN happen, I have heard testimonies where it has happened.

As a husband, God holds you accountable for your wife, that comes with the headship. But He also gives you an anointing to lead and love her.

Reading between the lines it seems that somewhere along the line she has lost respect for you, perhaps because she felt you did not do your duty in providing as she thought you should over those 7 years. That is NOT an excuse for her behaviour however.

Perhaps you could go to counselling together, or you could get prayer onthis area of respect, to restore you to be able to love her as God calls you to.

It happens in scripture and with Jesus and us, HE loved us first.. we respond and blossom under that.. the same is true for a man and wife.

Be Blessed.

 

[Micaiah]

Today was a good day. It was the first day working for a new client. A venture that is helping me get out of my financial problems. I got back to my home feeling happy and proud so I tell my wife about the day's work, everything was great till I accidentally mentioned the name of an associate whom she happens to hate.

Congratulations on your work. I'd encourage you to ignore the insults and lack of support, and work hard at improving your business, and caring for your children.

My wife is very verbally abusive towards me. she calls me everything in the book and more. We have been married for 20 years but only in the last 9 years have things gone down hill. (the marriage always had problems) This after the birth of our last child.

Married for 9 years under difficult circumstances! I respect your patience and loyalty. In my experience, your wife's behaviour is not uncommon. You need to respond with self control and love.

she hates him because she say's he is gay (The guy is married and very honorable, if he is secretly gay I do not know. I have him working for me because is a very valuable asset in my company and replacing his knowledge and experience will be almost impossible. She thinks the guy is after me or that we are lovers. She has even said it before our children.
Background.
...

I am a Christian since 1990 (Non affiliated)

She is a non practicing Catholic.


I have never been unfaithful.
I do not think she has been but she is always threaten to do so.

We have no intimacy for many years, Because of her attitudeI have lost interest in sex, she makes me very nervous. and mad.

Anytime I try to talk to her she insults me this gets me mad and I insult back.

She is a well paid executive

I am just getting back financially after many years of problems. By building a new business but all I get from her are insults. (she refuse to help pay home expenses, I have had to carry them despite not having a regular job for over 7 years)

...

I think that she is possessed or mentally sick, I have done much praying, I am on my last ounce of patience.

What can I do?

You do not understand her irrational behaviour?
Conventional wisdom suggests you go to counsellors or advice from your pastor. Have you done that?* If so, then I suggest you stop trying to understand it, and learn to cope with it, and respond in the Christian way. Pray for her. God can change your wife, but it may take time.

Love doesn't mean allowing someone to treat you as a door mat. Jesus didn't. It means taking intelligent action to meet the needs of another. God's love involves feeling. Those feelings shouldn't depend on from the way the other party responds.

Romans 12

17Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. 18If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. 19Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,"[1] says the Lord. 20Therefore


"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
If he is thirsty, give him a drink;
For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head

I don 't know what to do? I would like to divorce her and find a women who will be my mate in all aspects but i have children that i dearly love and i want to protect and teach Gods way. I have been praying to God this is unbearable. I feel that i do not love this women but i know God can change hearts (hers and mine)

Divorce is not an option for the Christian in this situation.

Matthew 19

Marriage and Divorce

Christ's Teaching on Divorce
(1) 1 Now it came to pass, when Jesus had finished these sayings, that He departed from Galilee and came to the region of Judea beyond the Jordan. 2And great multitudes followed Him, and He healed them there.
3The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?"
4And He answered and said to them, "Have you not read that He who made[1] them at the beginning "made them male and female,'[2] 5and said, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'?[3] 6So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate."
7They said to Him, "Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?"
8He said to them, "Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality,[4] and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery."

Continue to respond to your wife as Christ commands.

Ephesians 5:22

25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30For we are members of His body,[4] of His flesh and of His bones. 31"For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."[5] 32This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

I don't want to give the impression that i am a saint, but i have never struck her, and prior to a couple of years ago i never answered abusively back. Sex was ok, I never get drunk or hangout with the guys, unless working i am always home early.

Know how you feel. When a woman has got it in for you, there is not much you can do. It is always safe to admit you are not perfect. Do your best to accomodate her wishes, but don't get yourself into knots over them.

(*Be careful of counsellors. Make sure their advice is in line with Scripture.)

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

Women don't usually come up with such things on a whim. - Desi

Huh?? Why the generalization about women again!? This does not make any sense? Why would it matter whether a woman or a man says?

I agree with the statement that the man might be gay though. I would agree with that but she does not have the right to verbally abuse you. Although, let's be honest, you are giving her permission to do that. Do you have any gay feelings or tendencies? You may have an underlying demon and she may subliminally hate you for that. I may be totally wrong as well. I just hope you get to the bottom of it all. I have the gift of intuition but I can be wrong. I also agree with the others that counselling is a necessity at this point. God Bless.

 

[theatrejunkie]

Folks, this has NOTHING to do whether the guy is gay or not. It is very clear rcm does NOT have that tendancy. How can anyone even tell if the guy at work is gay based upon one sentence. Besides, the man is married.

Get off that. If the man at work IS gay, so what. That has NOTHING to do with his wife's behavior. Please, get past that. The issue is that his wife is threatening his manhood in front of his children and obviously has some other issues she's dealing with.

 

[E-beth]

It seems that your wife has some serious issues, dude.

First of all, I can't believe that she would not contribute to the household bills. Marriage should be working together to get things done. Right now my husband cannot work. So I do what I can to make ends meet until he does. Because I love my husband and my child and I want them to have their needs met.

It seems from what you ay that your wife is pushing you pretty hard. What is she pushing you to do? Does she want you to divorce her so she can do whatever, or is she trying to increase her self-esteem by decreasing yours?

It seems you guys need a counsellor pretty quickly. There are some issues there that a professional would need to help you get through.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

RCM

Unfortunately, I have to admit I tend to treat my hubby the same way. I'm mean to him, he annoys me all the time and it's not his fault. And I tend to be manipulating and controlling. For me, well, I've always been irritable. But I've also been very unhappy and discontent in my relationship. But even so, I still have an obligation to treat my hubby with love and respect, and have been working on that, though still have a ways to go. Ummm, I don't really have advice. Except i think that someone did have a good point, when you work on yourself and how to get your needs met independent of the other person, it might ultimately help your relationship. I'd keep my hubby up for hours because I was so mad at him for not meeting my needs. And so I decided that I was going to force him by not letting him sleep until he listened to me and understood me. Of course this was ineffective and unhealthy. But I finally reached a point of giving up, that I just didn't care anymore and wouldn't depend on him anymore. Well, amazingly, when I did that, of course I still love God, I'd seek God to get my needs met, and he softened my heart towards me hubby and convicted me gently of what I needed to work on in my own life. And so there was less fighting, plus, out of his own will, he began humbling himself and apologizing for things and working on himself. I think it would be good for you to have some relaxation time for yourself. And don't be mean, but don't let your wife control you. Threatening you to go have an affair is definetly means of manipulation and control (I've done that to my hubby- when I got so frustrated and felt like he didn't care or wasn't listening- I knew that threatening to have an affair or file for divorce would get his attention, and it did). But it could also be a symptom that your wife does also have an unmet need. And is expressing it in a hostile demeaning way. Try if you can to be gentle and loving with her regardless of the way she treats you, getting mad and biting back only complicates it. That is my hubbie's cross to bare with me. I'm aware that I'm moody and am trying to work on it, but if he snaps back at me, my anger esculates and the fight is on. It leads down a bad path. My anger and hostility stems back to my child hood. That's how my parents treated eachother, or my mom treated her boyfriends. That's how she treated us, and how my sisters and i treated eachother. She may have some insecurities stemmed from experiance, irrational thoughts stemmed from experiance, and she'll regard your insensitive response to her (believe it or not, it would be insensitive in her mind) will only feed that anxiety and insecurity. God Bless and help you in your circumstance. I know what it feels like to want to give up. And I have a 2 year old. God Bless

 

[Flipper]

Counselling, counselling, counselling. If she won't go, go without her.

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

"It is very clear rcm does NOT have that tendancy."

Probable but not totally correct statement. We know too little about this person to determine this although I hope you are correct. It is an issue if the wife perceives this considering she will have to get around it if it is NOT true.

 

[Svt4Him]

I have never been unfaithful.
I do not think she has been but she is always threaten to do so.

We have no intimacy for many years, Because of her attitudeI have lost interest in sex, she makes me very nervous. and mad.

(bolding mine)

Any time I hear this from a guy, I put money on him having an affair, or having other problems with porn. It use to be a high 90% chance I'm right, now I think I'm right in this 100% of the time.

 

[ceres]

Have you asked to go to counseling?

 

[desi]

What you say will not reslove anything. She will find other situations. It has happend before.

rcm

Other situations!? Maybe gay guys are checking you out?

 

[msjones21]

Other situations!? Maybe gay guys are checking you out?

That is my biggest problem with this whole issue. Why does the wife care if gay guys are checking her busband out? Is she scared their attention will turn him queer?