Obstacles to Marriage

[Lead_Me_to_Jesus]

My boyfriend and I are both born again Christians, madly in love with eachother, and want to get married.

his parents say we have to be financially secure first in order to get married.
We need
1)a house
2) 2 jobs
3) ways to pay heating, electric, etc etc etc
4) I need to graduate
5) he needs to go back to schoool to get a better job to suppport me and our future family
6) we need a big savings account



looking at all this, makes me feel so discouraged. I love him, he loves me, we absolutely adore eachother and wish to serve God.


sigh.


We havent gotten engaged because we dont want our engagement to be too long....because of our sexual desire.
But the more transparent we are emotionally, the more our desires grow physically. We only hold eachother's hands.....just Gosh I love him so much, I want to be his wife. I feel so ready, but all these things are withholding us, and I want to respect his parents, I love them...I dont want to go against anybody.

any godly Christian advice for us? Bible verses?

 

[Steve Petersen]

You should ask them if THEY met all those requirements when THEY married.

 

[Inkachu]

I notice a convenient lack of ages for either of you You know that WILL make a big difference in the advice you receive. Are you 16 or 26? Kind of an important tidbit.

 

[Inkachu]

And FTR I would agree with all but the "big savings account" (a small, healthy one will do just fine for a young couple with no kids) and the "house" (why not an apartment? Just the two of you, heck, save $$$ and rent). The rest of the list I would readily say applies to ANY couple thinking of marriage, not just you two. Love is all well and fine, but it won't pay bills or help you finish college. I get the feeling you and your b/f are pretty young, and that makes me suspect you need to listen to your parent's well-intentioned wisdom and wait until you're at least done with college and both have jobs. If this guy is The One, he'll still be The One in a few years

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

I agree that you need some financial stability when entering a marriage because money becomes a huge stress (and is the leading cause for divorce) but I think their ideas on what you should have are a little much. As long as you make ends meet with a bit more to spare, it's a great start.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

1)a house

Where you live doesn't matter to some degree. No one is able to magically afford a home when they wed. Not unless you got a good job or are willing to go in debt. You can live in an apartment or live at home which is what many couples are doing just to survive.

2) 2 jobs

Not required. Unless you plan on having kids right away one job should be fine. Unless of course your working at mcdonalds and not making alot. Then you my need two.

3) ways to pay heating, electric, etc etc etc

Well obviously you do need some sort of income for bills. Thats sort of a given. Living at home I still pay bills to help out. You can't avoid bills.

4) I need to graduate

Well you should finish obviously.

5) he needs to go back to schoool to get a better job to suppport me and our future family

Again this seems like their personal opinion. With jobs the way they are its hard to find a good one and sadly most people think going back to school somehow gets you a job. More people then I can count are working any job they can because their degrees are collecting dust because they can't find work in the field of their degree. They basically wasted money on something that just caused debt for no reason.

Obviously when the job field opens up again the degrees might be of some use.

6) we need a big savings account

You need one yes, but it doesn't have to be big...depending on what they mean by big.

Everyone is good at telling others what a marriage should have, but usually they aren't as open to problems in their own marriage. Obviously finances are important but every situation is different. Kids are really what end up forcing you to basically to both work 24/7. So you should discuss how badly you want kids and when once married. Because if you are not ready for kids, then you will have a crumbling marriage.

In my case I am disabled and can't work, but I do get a monthly SSI check. My wife is from another country and coming here. She will be working. And currently I live at home. We would like to get an apartment at some point or a home. But like with most couples its step by step right now.

 

[akmom]

1)a house

You need a place to live, yes. You don't need to actually own a house. Most people don't purchase their first home until their late 20s or 30s nowadays. Browse the classifieds in your local newspaper and see how much apartments are going for. You should find one that costs no more than 1/3 of your income. In places with high costs of living, you might not be able to, so you will just have to budget more carefully. You'll need to save up for a deposit, but that is usually only a few hundred dollars.

2) 2 jobs

You need an income that covers housing, bills and basic needs. Do you have a budget that will work, or not? That's all that matters.

3) ways to pay heating, electric, etc etc etc

Again, you'll need an income. Marriage is for independent adults. You can't depend on others to support you if you're ready for marriage. "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." -Genesis 2:24

4) I need to graduate

From high school, yes. Whether or not you graduate from college is a personal decision. You don't necessarily have to graduate from college before you marry.

5) he needs to go back to schoool to get a better job to suppport me and our future family

That's not a prerequisite for marriage. That's good advice for life. Waiting until you have a good income before having kids is wise. A college degree might help with that, or it might not. College itself is expensive, and occupies time that you could be working. And some degrees are more useful than others. To succeed in college, you have to be motivated. If this man isn't motivated to go to college, it's probably best to put it off until he is. I have a college degree but work at a job that doesn't require one. I'm a big proponent of education, but don't subscribe to the belief that a college degree is a ticket to fortune. And it has nothing to do with marriage.

6) we need a big savings account

You need some money for a rental deposit. You'll probably need to purchase a vehicle (depending on where you live). You'll need enough to cover your first month's rent, furnishings, groceries, and a fund for emergencies. But you don't need to be rich.

7) WHAT YOU DO NEED BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED IS PREMARITAL COUNSELING. Consult your pastor to see if he does premarital counseling, or if he can refer you to someone who does. He will discuss all these things with you and more that you need to think about before committing to marriage.

 

[Inkachu]

7) WHAT YOU DO NEED BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED IS PREMARITAL COUNSELING. Consult your pastor to see if he does premarital counseling, or if he can refer you to someone who does. He will discuss all these things with you and more that you need to think about before committing to marriage.

THIS ^^^^^! Premarital counseling is essential, IMHO, especially for a young couple. Young people tend to be more idealistic and impulsive (and that's not an insult, I was the same way), and marriage is not like an extended date, it's FOR LIFE. Suddenly you're dealing with shared expenses, having to consider the other person in every single thing, from what you're having for dinner to what TV channel you're going to watch to when you go to the store, cleaning up after each other, sharing a bed (hello snoring lol), and probably kids one day to throw into the mix. Marriage is tough work; it's worth it, don't get me wrong, but it's not for the faint of heart lol. Definitely, definitely get into counseling before you do anything further.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Yep I agree, couples that are to young need premarital counseling. Often their ideas of what a marriage is and how it works aren't realistic. Media doesn't help either. Marriage means work, not some easy boat ride where things are happy all the time.

Me and my wife didn't get any. I'm 31 mind you. We have no misconceptions about marriage or what is required. A couple we know thought they should get married like us and everything will be fine. THey are each under 25.

Problem is they each have many problems with their lives so far. They both are a but immature and act on emotions instead of thinking clearly. They have fights already and they aren't even married. They already split once. With all this said yesterday they split for good.

 

[K9_Trainer]

Yes, your boyfriends dad is right for the most part.

You should be financially stable. Finishing school is optional unless we're talking about high school. But I would always highly encourage people to get a degree because it DOES make a difference to employers.

I also don't believe that the man should always be relied upon to "support". You're capable of taking care of yourself, so unless you are raising a child, you should be working and earning money to help pay bills. If the marriage ever falls apart, or something happens to your husband that leaves him unable to work, you need backup. This is why it's a good idea to get work experience and a degree. Plus if you have dual income, then you'll be able to afford a lot more for yourselves. It might mean the difference between living in a crappy neighborhood and living in one that is safe, having a reliable car and having one that never starts when you need it to.

But financial stability and being able to afford rent/mortgage, water, electricity, and other expenses is an absolute must.

A marriage cannot succeed with just love. It has to be a practical relationship. Getting married when neither of you are self-reliant is not smart.

 

[Sketcher]

How old are the two of you, and how long have you been together?

 

[LinkH]

My boyfriend and I are both born again Christians, madly in love with eachother, and want to get married.

his parents say we have to be financially secure first in order to get married.
We need
1)a house
2) 2 jobs
3) ways to pay heating, electric, etc etc etc
4) I need to graduate
5) he needs to go back to schoool to get a better job to suppport me and our future family
6) we need a big savings account

My advice is 'honor your father and mother' but he can also negotiate and reason with them on some of these things.

1) If they mean own a house, some researchers in finance argue that it makes no difference whether you own or buy from a financial perspective as long as you invest money in something that yields on average about 5% per year. It may look cheaper to rent, but you usually have to pay for insurance and repairs and it comes out about even, except for that 5%. If you invest in other financial instruments and get that return, theoretically it doesn't matter if you rent or buy. There are other factors like if you want to poke holes in the walls freely to hang pictures, redecorate, add a room, you would want to buy. If you work in one city a year or two and then move, you might want to rent.

2) Two jobs? My philosophy is that he needs enough to support his wife as an idea. Otherwise, both need to be bringing in enough money.

3) That's a subset of number 2 so you have one less obstacle.

4) How much longer is it till you graduate? Does your degree have anything to do with getting a job? If you will be an RN and they are in demand, that's probably pretty good. If you are studying engineering and can get a job out of school, that's probably pretty good, too. If you are taking Armenian studies or Women's studies or anything that ends with 'studies', McDonald's doesn't pay that well.

How long until you graduate?

5) Has he been to college for a few years? How long until he finishes up? Does he have a trade that pays well? Could he study a trade?


6) A big savings account? What is big to you? $100k? 3 to 6 months livings expenses? I think a 3 to 6 months emergency fund is enough, personally, plus enough to pay for the wedding if that falls on you guys. Parents may pick that up. I was in a kind of bride price culture (not really, beyond the food for the wedding, but the grooms side pays) and my parents are American where the bride's side traditionally paid, so I paid for the wedding. After the wedding and international travel to meet my side of the family slash Honeymoon, we didn't have much money left, but I had a decent job for where I was living and a contract and it didn't take long to save money.

Going to college doesn't necessarily equate with earning a decent living these days. If he didn't finish, but he had a business that could support him, then personally I'd think that was good enough.

looking at all this, makes me feel so discouraged. I love him, he loves me, we absolutely adore eachother and wish to serve God.

I'm kind of torn on this. On the one hand, I think it is good if a young Christian couple gets married young, in their early 20's, and has all those years to spend together. That's a good thing. On the other hand, it is also good to be able to earn a decent living and not have to be too poor.

If mom and dad are still helping him pay rent or car insurance, he doesn't need to be getting married now.

I'd say be patient and both of you have to work hard. He can work hard like Jacob did for 7 years. Hopefully his time will be a lot shorter.

 

[akmom]

I'd say be patient and both of you have to work hard. He can work hard like Jacob did for 7 years. Hopefully his time will be a lot shorter.

Good point! And hopefully he'll get the right bride, too!