Hi everyone. All of my life I have been obsessed with being a "real man" and "manliness". I am always afraid to show any softer, gentler side of myself in public for fear of ridicule, and I am especially afraid of being labelled a "woman" or "girl".
Sorry ladies if that offends, but I'm just speaking the truth.
I'm not gay or confused about my sexual identity or anything like that. But I have this obsession of measuring my worth against other men. To me, a man is defined by his strength, his position in society, ability to provide for his family, be successful etc.
Again, I'm not poor or uneducated and am doing well, thank you very much. But in my mind, I can always be more successful, more manly, more prosperous etc. I seem to never escape this cycle, it's with me always.
I take pride in some of my things for their "manliness". Like my V8 car, whisky collection, hard rock music etc. And I know this will sound kind of sick, but my wife has been chronically ill for years now and barely manages around the home. And as I'm supporting her fully, I take some sort of perverse pride in that, feeling like a "man" that I'm the sole breadwinner. I know that sounds stupid but that's the way it is.
And I feel really uncomfortable with anything that's not quite "manly". I'm one of those less common males that love cats over dogs. I have 3 in fact, and adopted 2 stray ones that were abandoned and wondered into our home. But I'm embarressed in front of others that I love cats, being a guy. In fact, one female pastor once gave me this look of contempt and tell me to my face that I was "weird" because I loved cats!
And I'm not making that up. The other day, I was watching this really cute youtube video of this cat that was rearing orphaned squirrels, along with its own kittens. It was adorable, but the introduction to the video read:
"If there are any men, look away now. This video features kittens and squirrels".
I felt a bit bad watching the video after reading that introduction but I did, and then I played the video to my wife. She adored it, and then jokingly commented how I'm one of those odd guys that loves cats and squirrels. And even though it was a joke, I took it to heart, feeling like a wuss. And yet sometimes I use a type of alternative scenario to make it alright in my own mind to like something. A great example are the cats I was telling you about. Instead of being cute and furry and slinky and graceful, I say to myself that I love cats because of their retractable claws, their long fangs and their ferociousness. I remember another guy once telling me that cats are one of the most ferocious animals for their size and that just put a smile on my face.
I just thought I had the perfect comeback to anyone in case they accused me of being a girl beause I liked cats. In fact, my youth pastor used to make a bit of fun at me for liking cats and my only recourse was to say that the king of the jungle was a cat-a large one for sure, but still a cat. The only way I made it acceptable was to emphasise the killing and vicious nature of the creature to make it alright for a guy to like.
I am completely stuffed when it comes to squirrels though!
A couple of years ago, I was perousing the Sunday newspapers and there was this small challenge in a magazine contained within. You had 4 pictures of people and 4 pictures of their pets and you had to guess which pet matched up with which person. There was a sports person, a television person, an actor and a male ballet dancer. And there were 3 dogs and I cat. Yeah, you could imagine how crap I felt when I looked up the answers in the back and found that male ballet dancer had the cat.
"Nice one BlackSabb. You're in great company" I thought.
I've posted this on CF before, but for the last decade I've been battling circulation problems in my legs causing painful cramping. A rheumatologist I saw many years ago told me I had a genetic predisposition to this condition and told me the most effective thing for me was to keep warm. Which is quite difficult even with a number of layers as the blood vessels on the outside of my legs near the skin contract more than normal and go excessively cold.
Years ago, my wife suggested I try some ordinary thick ladies tights instead of the uncomfortable layers of tracksuit pants, pyjama bottoms, 2 pairs of socks etc. I was dead against that for a long time, but after continuing bouts of cramping and excessive cold, I succumbed to the suggestion. Ironically, she doesn't even wear herself, so I don't really know what made her think of it for me.
And yes I found them far better and warmer than the other layers I was bulking up with. But the feeling of being a complete worthless effeminate wuss took a hold over me. And if I'm being really truthful to you, I'll even admit that I found them rather comfortable to wear. And that was the final clincher for me at which I said no more.
This is an aspect of my life that just about consumes me. Another example. I was making small chat during the day at work with a new employee, but he was barely responding. I asked him "what's wrong-you're not talking?" and his reply was:
"Why do we need to chat? We're men, we don't chat like women, we just do our jobs".
Well, yeah you could imagine how I felt. Another episode in the life of a lesser man such as myself.
So I'm wondering is there anyone that can shed some light why some men are obsessed with being a real "man" and with "manliness?" I'm just so very tired of feeling I have to keep up a facade. And many times I'm feeling mentally drained from it all.
Thanks.
P.S. My wife has been telling me for years literally that I need some sort of hobby. Well finally I have got onel, and that is collecting fine single malt Scotch whisky. I'm really enjoying tasting all the unique flavours of these drinks and they make a really cool display in our lounge room. When I've chatted to other guys online in other forum sites, they've said that whisky has a reputation of being an older mans drink. Which bizarrely put a smile on my face.
But before I found this hobby, my wife wanted me to try some..............wait for it.............KNITTING!!!!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.............................................................