=o(

PureGrace · Mar 20, 2006

I need some prayer guys...Im just really not in a good place right now.

I dont have the energy to go into it now...maybe tomorrow...but just please pray for me. Im struggling.

Kate

bumblebee62331 · Mar 20, 2006

I'm here if you need or want to talk to me.

goldenviolet · Mar 21, 2006

Dear Father, we lift our little kate up to you, your lovely and precious daughter. Father please give encouragement and the ministering hands of fellowship to her in her need. please bless her generously. in Jesus' name, amen.

cassyrode · Mar 21, 2006

Ive heard the crying of your heart. I have seen the searching of your soul. I know how deeply you have desired the truth In pain you have cried out for it. When I see you I am overewhelmed with tears and wish to hold you close to me. Go ahead now, Ask me anything. Anything. I will speak to you if you listen. The words to the next song you hear, the information in the next article you read, The story line of the next movie you watch, The chance utterence of the next person you meet. Or the whisper of the next river. The next ocean. The next breeze that carresses your ear. All these devices are mine. I will come to you if you invite me. I will show you then that I have Always been there...

Always.

bumblebee62331 · Mar 21, 2006

cassyrode said:
Ive heard the crying of your heart. I have seen the searching of your soul. I know how deeply you have desired the truth In pain you have cried out for it. When I see you I am overewhelmed with tears and wish to hold you close to me. Go ahead now, Ask me anything. Anything. I will speak to you if you listen. The words to the next song you hear, the information in the next article you read, The story line of the next movie you watch, The chance utterence of the next person you meet. Or the whisper of the next river. The next ocean. The next breeze that carresses your ear. All these devices are mine. I will come to you if you invite me. I will show you then that I have Always been there...

Always.

Is that a song? I just mention it because I see you wrote the same thing in another thread.

blessedmomof5 · Mar 21, 2006

Kate,
i am here also for you, Lord take care of our kate as she seems to be going through a hard time right now, carry her through this Lord, I ask this in your Name, Amen

PureGrace · Mar 21, 2006

Thanks guys I appreciate your support

::MAY TRIGGER::

Lately I have just been struggling so much mentally. I am still eating, and really resent the fact that I have so little self control that I cant make myself stop eating. All the time, anywhere I go, I honestly just feel like that ugly fat nerd who is trying way too hard to look good and failing miserably.

Whenever I mention it to my mom she blows it off with things like "oh well you're just tired and emotional" or "every girl feels like that" and I cant even get across to her that Im really not doing well again. And when I get the courage up to mention seeing a different counselor (for those of you who are unaware, my counselor let me go from her services because she thought I was better) or about calling my old one she just says "well I've been seeing you do really well lately, you dont really need it. You havent been faking it have you?" and just gets all angry about it if I was acting happy when I really wasnt, and it just becomes an accusition fest. Im so tired of it.

I dance 2-3 times a week at least, and so looking good in my dance outfits is very important to me, especially with the full wall mirror in the studio. When I was dancing last night I looked in the mirror and saw the bump of fat from my stomach sticking over my pants and it just made me sick

Just keep me in your prayers, that God will help me change the way I see myself. Or that I'll get thinner.Probably not something you should pray for, getting thinner...but maybe.

Kate

bumblebee62331 · Mar 21, 2006

Kate I don't know what to say, but I'm here for you. Is what you see really there? Are you still holding on to reality, like April and I were talking about? Make sure you see what is there sweetie, don't let fantasy tear you down, you are doing so well.

Soulwings · Mar 22, 2006

my sis ...
Its hard I know. I dont know the right words to say or anything like that, but we here all love you and ... thats just what we always say, but thats because it is so true. You arent fat. Youre beautiful. Try to fight the thoughts. Im here if you need me. If you need to, get other peoples thoughts on how you look. Like Katie said, youve got to be sure that what you see is reality and not lies, and thats really hard right now. For all of us.

PureGrace · Mar 22, 2006

Thanks girls

I have to go to the doctor today for a follow up on my medicine that is supposed to be helping with depression/anxiety/ED tendancies and Im scared because I know I have to tell him I have been doing badly again. Grr. Its a lot easier when I'm fine.

Soulwings · Mar 22, 2006

PureGrace said:
Thanks girls

I have to go to the doctor today for a follow up on my medicine that is supposed to be helping with depression/anxiety/ED tendancies and Im scared because I know I have to tell him I have been doing badly again. Grr. Its a lot easier when I'm fine.

May I ask what med you are on?
I hope the appointment went/goes okay; thinking of you.

PureGrace · Mar 22, 2006

the med im on is called Celexa (not sure how it is spelled though)

My appt...ARGH!!

Im so tired of being told that medically my weight is right where its supposed to be and im 'healthy'. I dont WANT to be 'healthy' or 'right on track'. GAH

Im tired of not being taken seriously, and of being pitied. I completely shut down like 10 minutes into the appointment and just stared at my doctor for the rest of the time while he talked.

I just want to get out of this place.

Soulwings · Mar 22, 2006

Kate.
I understand the whole weight thing. The criteria for EDs is so totally stupid, so physically based. An eating disorder is really a mental thing, as well as physical, but that isnt taken into account.

Im sorry about the appointment being rubbish.

bumblebee62331 · Mar 22, 2006

You know what, Kate? I just realised I can't really help you.

I've never been to a doctor about my weight, I've never been on medication because of my feelings - I hide. I've been to the doctor once on other matters and she got suspicious and starting asking questions and I got out of that situation real quick. So I can't tell you how it might feel or help you with what you should do, because I've never been there.

I guess all I can say is that I am here for you, and that you must trust your doctor. If you don't like your doctor, get a different one. He/she plays such a major part in your recovery, like it or not. But he/she can't make you recover - that's up to you sweetie What's the saying? You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink? The doctor leads you to recovery but you have to take it from there.

I'm here if you need me. And if you want me to explain this post becuase it doesn't really make sense huh.

PureGrace · Mar 23, 2006

its OK You made perfect sense.

---

I havent been this bad in a long time...and its making me totally insane. I've never wanted SO badly to not eat, and to excercise, and just disappear. I hate sounding morbid. im not trying to. really.

Im the one that people come to when they are down or need help...its always been like that, and I like it...so I hate that now im the one that needs help. I know when Im like this I cant help others as well...its making me crazy

Daysoni · Mar 23, 2006

Pure Grace you are in my prayers. ED's are hard to deal with and manage. I know where you are coming from. And it's okay to struggle and fall sometimes. We just have to get back up and dust our knees off. I'm here for you if needed.

PureGrace · Mar 23, 2006

thanks. I so appreciate your prayers.

jen_soccer13 · Mar 25, 2006

I am sorry you are feeling this way Kate. I know I cannot say anythign to make it better, but if you ever need to talk you know I am here for you. I feel bad. I always talk to you about my problems....but never get you to talk about yours. Anyway, love you girl!
Jennifer

Daysoni · Mar 26, 2006

Pure Grace I hear your struggles and relate. This is wear I am in my ED. But somehow there are days that I manage. My therapist says that there are a list of things that make you an Ana or a Mia. And just because you don't have all of the symptoms doesn't mean that your not one. For some the physical is out of sontrol and overwhelming and for others it's the mental. I know it's hard and overwhelming. And you feel like your going know where or things are not happening fast enough. And maybe that's because God is working in our lifes and we don't see it. Maybe it's him wanting us to be healthy and whole. I'm not sure. I just know that there are days I fight so hard not to eat and then I give in. I believe it's God. They say only God can move mountains and believe me I am one stubborn girl so trying to persuade or move me it has to be God. I know we all deal with things differently. But I'm here for you if you need it as much as I can.

PureGrace · Mar 29, 2006

Continued prayers would be so greatly appreciated

For those of you who dont know...a girl I know tried to commit suicide on Monday night, and was taken off life support last night, and passed away. Though I didnt know her all too well, I have lost 4 friends to this previously, and it brings back so much pain, and so many memories. Its like it has completely reopened the wound again.

It feels so out of control...and it makes me feel like IM in control when im not eating...so im trying really hard not to let it do me in. I dont know. Just pray...

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