Not wanting to be a bridesmaid

[Citanul]

Not me obviously...

This is another thread about my brother's upcoming wedding, and it's entirely possible that it won't be that last as there may be other things that happen which I've never had reason to think about never having come remotely close to being married and only ever having been involved in weddings as a normal guest.

They had an engagement party last night and they announced their attendants. The best man is my brother's best friend who he's known since primary school, and the groomsmen are me and the fiancée's brother. The maid of honour and one of the bridesmaids are two of her friends, and the other bridesmaid is my sister. Which is a bit awkward as she doesn't really want to be a bridesmaid, but this was the first she'd heard of it, and having been asked in public couldn't really say no.

So there are two things here. The first is whether it's reasonable for my sister not to want to be a bridesmaid. It's not as though she has any problem with the fiancée, who is a very nice person, and nobody has an issue with her becoming part of the family.

Rather, it's not wanting to be do all the things that are required of bridesmaids e.g. dress shopping/fitting, getting hair and nails done, attending things like a kitchen tea and bachelorette party - she simply has no interest in doing any of that. And definitely part of it is that she'll be doing all that stuff with the fiancée who she doesn't know all that well and the other two members of the bridal party who she doesn't know at all.

I'm entirely on her side when it comes to this as I wouldn't want to have to go through all that either. It's less of an issue for me as based on my limited knowledge of what the grooms attendants get to there'll be less that I need to do, and it's not though it involves complete strangers as I obviously know my brother and I've known his friend for a long time.

The other thing is being asked in public, which I don't think should have happened. It's not that the choice of my sister as a bridesmaid is unreasonable, and they probably never considered that she would say no, but it does seem to me that the polite thing to do would have been to have asked everybody in advance and give them the option of declining the offer rather than springing it on them in public where they have little choice to accept.

So wedding preparations could turn out to be interesting. My sister is adamant that she's not going to disrupt her life to deal with the wedding, so things are going to have to happen around her schedule rather than the other way around. Not that she'll deliberately plan to do things out of spite, but she has things she does regularly such as running races (which happens most weekends) and she's not going to give those up for the sake of something she'd rather not be doing.

 

[Take Heart]

Perhaps your sister can privately talk with the bride and explain that she has a very busy schedule and would be unable to attend the fitting, bachelorette, nails, hair, etc and as honored as she is to be chosen as a bridesmaid and to be lart of the wedding, she does not feel she would make a good bridesmaid because of her busy schedule..something to that effect perhaps. When i was asked to be part of the wedding, i was asked privately by the bride with the choice to decline. So i totally understand how your sister may be feeling- to be put on the spot like that. Its neither fair to the couple nor to your sister.

 

[Greg J.]

I would just tell the bride the truth and not make excuses. Your sister could tell her what she will and won't do, but offer to step aside if that isn't going to work for the bride. In my never-married opinion, the only thing that is required of a bridesmaid is to wear the approved dress (if there is one, otherwise dress up) and go through the wedding rehearsal and wedding. Everything else is a matter of helping the bride have her vision of a wedding, but the bride should not be controlling. Where the borderline depends on the individual bride, but your sister can make her case—as soon as possible, so the bride has time to think/act on the new information.

 

[Citanul]

I don't know whether my sister has thought about telling the bride she can't be a bridesmaid - a busy schedule might be a little difficult to use as an excuse as they're only getting married in two years' time, which in theory means there's ample time to get things done. However, what complicates matters is that everybody involved got a gift pack, and my sister's included a dressing gown which has her name embroidered on it. So I think she feels that she is kind of obligated to go through with it because they've already spent money on her.

 

[Niels]

The other thing is being asked in public, which I don't think should have happened. It's not that the choice of my sister as a bridesmaid is unreasonable, and they probably never considered that she would say no, but it does seem to me that the polite thing to do would have been to have asked everybody in advance and give them the option of declining the offer rather than springing it on them in public where they have little choice to accept.

I wonder how many married women accept their boyfriend's proposal because he pops the question on the jumbtron at a baseball game, or in some other public way. I'll bet there are at least a few who say yes because they don't want to look bad.

It could be worse. Regardless of whether she has her name embroidered on a dress, the sooner she tells the bride the better. I don't imagine that it will get any easier as time passes.

 

[Greg J.]

It's not your sister's fault that they didn't ask her. The bride made a mistake in assuming she could assign tasks as she wished. Someone might inform her of this before your sister talks to her. Or even encourage the bride to make up for her improper approach by asking everyone after the fact if they would like to do ABC.

 

[Elliewaves]

She needs to have a sincere talk with the bride.

 

[blackribbon]

The biggest task of the bridesmaid is to PAY for an relatively ugly dress that you will never wear again. Considering that the bride didn't ask her in private, she probably won't be concerned about the price of the dress or how much the choice actually flatters each bridesmaid. She will pick what she wants ... along with specifying how to wear the hair and makeup (bridesmaid pays for the beautician appointment), etc and etc.

She has every right to say she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid. The bride should have asked her before announcing it. Your sister should have a talk with her and tell her that she is honored and is happy to have her as a "sister" (ok to lie about this) but doesn't believe she can be a pridesmaid and that she will stepdown and allow one of the bride's friends to have that honor. The bride may have picked her because she thought she was obligated since she was the groom's sister. She may be just as relieved to replace your sister with one of her own friends. She can offer to help do something else to help with the wedding (like overseeing the guest book or making table decorations). If they are not best friends, she does not owe her a reason why. Reassure her that this has nothing to do with how she feels about her brother marrying her. "Welcome to the family but I am afraid I will have to decline the honor of being a bridesmaid. "

 

[Citanul]

The biggest task of the bridesmaid is to PAY for an relatively ugly dress that you will never wear again. Considering that the bride didn't ask her in private, she probably won't be concerned about the price of the dress or how much the choice actually flatters each bridesmaid. She will pick what she wants ... along with specifying how to wear the hair and makeup (bridesmaid pays for the beautician appointment), etc and etc.

In South Africa it seems we tend to follow the UK tradition of the bride and groom paying for all the outfits (which seems better to be rather than dictating what everyone should wear and insisting they pay for it). But if that's not the case then that does create an issue. Not just for my sister, but me as well as I don't really want to buy a suit that I'd only ever once, or if they're going to be hired, paying a large amount for that.

The bride may have picked her because she thought she was obligated since she was the groom's sister.

I don't think that was the case, but rather more along the lines "Why wouldn't I have her as a bridesmaid?". The bride is in her mid-20s, so my sister is about 12 years older than her and has a far less romantic view of weddings having been through the whole process of other people's in the past and has little desire to experience it again other than just being a normal guest. But I would imagine that the notion that somebody wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid never occurred to the bride, being caught up in the excitement of her wedding.

 

[Citanul]

After talking to a number of people about it, my sister had decided that for the sake of extended family harmony she would suck it up and go along with it, although not being quite as difficult as she had expressed with her initial reaction. However, in the meantime my brother had visited our parents, who had a go at him for the ridiculousness of putting people on the spot like that, and he has sent a message apologising and saying that he understands if she doesn't want to do it. She hasn't decided what she is going to do, but at least she has now been given the option of pulling out with less fuss than she had anticipated.

 

[blackribbon]

The culture of weddings in your country is a lot more realistic than it is here in the US. My answer was based on the US culture. It is interested to hear about a different culture though.

 

[Citanul]

This has blown up a bit. My sister replied to my brother's message explaining that she didn't actually want to be asked to be a bridesmaid, especially not in that fashion, but she's prepared to go through with it and laid out what she's willing to do. She didn't tell the bride directly as she doesn't have any of her contact details, but the bride did read the message and is now rather upset (I think there was an element of misinterpreting what my sister wrote which has compounded things).

This has led to the bride's mother being upset with my sister for spoiling her daughter's plans, and my mom in turn is upset with my brother and the bride for putting my sister on the spot the way they did. So there's some tension already, even before any of the actual wedding preparations have begun, and there's still two years to go before this thing actually takes place...

 

[blackribbon]

Which is evidence that our society is too focused on the wedding instead of the marriage. Who cares who comes and doesn't come...or who stands up with the bridal company or doesn't?

 

[Citanul]

That's exactly how my sister and I feel. There's far more to being married than having a wedding, and what does or doesn't happen at the wedding has very little bearing on making a life together as a married couple.

My mom is a bit concerned as she has a rocky relationship with her brother, and doesn't want to see the same thing happen with her children. But if you're really prepared to refuse to have anything to do with your sister-in-law because she didn't want to be your bridesmaid then your priorities are completely out of whack.

 

[blackribbon]

The two year engagement might be a good thing in this case. How he handles this might determine if there is a wedding in two years or not. If there is a wedding, how he handles this will determine if he is allowed by his wife to participate in your family. Anyone who feels like a bridesmaid backing out two years before the wedding is a big deal has some issues with reality. She has plenty of time to pick a replacement. No dress is bought. Nothing is lost. And if she thinks that wearing an ugly pastel dress and standing up with her is the only way for her to be friends with someone....well, she needs some time to grow up. Two years...people could die, move, or get ill in that time period and change everything up...