Not Sure What To Do.....

[The Princess Bride]

As some of you may know I married the love of my life just shy of two years ago. Since then, we've had an adorable, chubby little man who is 11 mos tomorrow and my husband brought to our marriage a daughter and son.

In the two and a half years that my husband and I have been together, his children's mother has denied him visitation rights (he has legal custody and visitation) to either one or both children on about 10 occasions.

About 2 yrs ago, she moved the kids about an hour away and into another state. She didn't notify my husband of this, but rather the kids told us the week before the move.

After about a year of traveling 41 miles one way (165 miles round trip every other weekend) my husband asked their mom to please start meeting us a little closer, because with the cost of gas, me being pregnant, etc driving the full distance when she was the one who moved (both she and her live in fiance were unemployed at the time they moved - neither was transferring for a job) it would be reasonable for her to meet us. Well, she started threatening to take him to court for more child support money, that he didn't need to bother seeing the kids anymore because "they have a dad" (her fiance), and that she would absolutely not be meeting us any closer. For the next two months after that, my husband's daughter was not permitted to come visit - the only reason she finally did was because my husband requested their address (we've still never seen the home the children are kept in - though the area they reside in that town is very well known as the "rough" side of town) and said if his daughter didn't come, he would be showing up with a sheriff.

She just recently informed my husband she is moving the children yet again, this time to a place that is nearly 4 hrs away but she will "meet us halfway" even though she meets us only 5 minutes from her home at present.

The daughter (13) is practically in tears every time we pick them up here the last few weeks, she doesn't want to move and has been saying since her parent's divorced in 2003 that she wants to live with her father. She said that her mother even slapped her in the face a few months ago for saying that she wants to come live with her father and I. The son (10) we believe is autistic to a degree but we can't get his mother to agree to have him tested. Both kids have stated that they want to live with us.

Has anyone else been in this predicament?

There are so many more things that their mother and her (now) husband have said or done that are just so odd. The daughter has suggested there may be marijuana use going on in the home. They don't feel safe walking in their neighborhood or really even playing in their front yard.

Our concern is that their mother's sole intent in moving is to alienate the kids from their father (she has another son with a different man, and his concerns are the same as ours.) We are worried that she just may "disappear" with the kids and we will never see them again.

My step-daughter even admitted that she is worried that is what her mother plans to do. In our state a child has to be 14 to request a custody modification, but I know my step daughter is worried about ever seeing her mother, even though her mother has alright said she will want nothing to do with the kids if they live with their father.

My heart aches for my step children because they are in such a controlling and manipulative situation and my husband and I feel that there is virtually nothing that we can do about it at this time. We know that there would be a long legal battle involved before our daughter turns 14.

Has anyone ever dealt with child custody issues across state line and the custodial parent trying to keep the other parent away?

Georgia and Florida are the states in question. According the Georgia state law, in order to leave the state with the kids, she was supposed to notify the state court and that would have allowed my husband thirty days to petition the move or request a custody modification, but since she didn't and now is moving again, but is a resident of Florida now....but Georgia still thinks the kids are in Georgia.... We aren't sure what to do.

 

[The Princess Bride]

We have already consulted with an attorney and just to have them as a retainer and get the initial paper work started was nearly $4k...

 

[akmom]

Every divorced couple I know considers their ex to be controlling, manipulative and otherwise unsavory. That's why they divorce! It isn't necessary to judge your husband's ex-wife or to question their situation. It's your role to support your husband as he co-parents his children with their mother, and to provide a loving and stable home when they are with you.

Avoid expressing your annoyance or concerns in front of his children. Try not to interrogate them about their "other" home, or influence them about a favorite parent, stepparent or home. Every family has their own situation, with all its challenges, and it's not a competition for who should end up with the kids, or even who is the favorite. It doesn't matter. Your husband and his ex-wife still share their children, and the two of them (not the four of you all) will have to work out parenting issues, including visitation, just like they always have. This should be done as pleasantly as possible, with consideration for each other's needs.

My guess is that when an unemployed couple moves, it is because they could not afford their former housing. But the particulars of that family's decisions are theirs to make, and the only thing that really needs to concern anybody in your family is that the children get their visitation. When that stops, and you've exhausted your efforts to get them back, then it is clearly time for the $4K lawyer. Until then, don't worry, and pray for the wisdom to co-parent amicably with the children's mother.

 

[The Princess Bride]

I appreciate the reply, but we've already tried to be a civil as possible and that doesn't seem to be working. And when the children are crying and begging to come live with us, then the other parent's business does become ours where the kids are involved.

The input I am looking for is more what LEGAL steps we can take to getting custody of the kids. Not how to make things better between us and their mother.

BTW: 60 views and NO ONE else has anything to say???

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

We live in a country with family courts stacked HEAVILY in favor of the mother. It will be an uphill battle to say the least for your husband to get custody of his kids considering the odds against him. It's not pretty. This will be a tough road for you guys.

 

[suzybeezy]

My brother dealt with this with his ex-wife (or still deals with it more accurately). Its been going on for years. He's just let the Lord guide him throughout the whole ordeal. He didn't let her get under his skin, remained a constant, strong, safe haven for the kids and spent all his money going to court on their behalf. They went to court countless times over the years, even did counseling for the kids and mediation. The Lord always provided the money he needed. It took some time, but he now has full custody and his ex is the one who has limited visitation. The kids got to see just how much he loved them and was willing to do to protect their interests. It was hard on my brother, but well worth it in the end.

I'll definitely say a prayer regarding your situation.

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

We have already consulted with an attorney and just to have them as a retainer and get the initial paper work started was nearly $4k...

See if their's something u could do about them moving and not telling the courts,or moving out of state.The kids don't want to move again I would tell the lawyer.She doesn't sound stable,if she keeps moving,I would try to point that out.Good luck,because bio moms seem to have all the rights.

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

Get on the ball before she moves to different state,I wouldn't wait.

 

[lindart]

My husband and I were in the same situation. His first wife and mother to his children left him and moved 6 hours away. Very long story short, the best way to maintain relations with his children is to do the commute and as often as he can, as my husband did. He drove there every other weekend, rented a hotel each time and spent one on one time with them. The children came first to him so he did whatever was necessary to stay out of his ex's way. We NEVER disparaged or asked too many questions about their mother. Sometimes the children volunteered to discuss certain situations and we listened and supported them in positive ways. His children are adults now and we enjoy a loving, fun relationship with them. Was it hard? You bet. I had 5 of my own children and we learned to deal with his many absences and the financial burden of supporting all of our children. I always supported my husband and his relationship with his children because all children need to know that they are loved just as much even though the family is split. You see, my children had a biological father who rarely interacted with them and I felt every tear and hurt that they felt when he wouldn't come or acknowledge their birthdays. There isn't any greater insult to a child then to be ignored by their parent. So, in closing, I am glad that your husband loves your son and his children. The journey will not be easy but so very worth it. Happy Fathers Day!

 

[akmom]

You won't get full legal custody of the kids against the mother's will unless the court finds her to be unfit as a parent (e.g., drug/alcohol problems, child abuse or neglect). Frequent relocations alone do not make a parent unfit. At best, you may get the court to prevent her from moving, but if a lawyer is $4K, I can't imagine that would save you much money versus acquiescing to the long commute.

Children cry and beg over all sorts of things. That doesn't make it your duty to legally challenge their mother's right to her own children. Your home may very well be the better one right now. You are lucky. Many families are struggling with the bad economy, and finding themselves unable to afford to stay where they are. If your relationship went sour and you found yourself in a divorce with your husband being in the better, more stable financial situation, would you not be devastated to have your children taken from you? If the children are being abused or neglected, it's time to challenge custody. If not, then you have no business trying to take a woman's children away from her.

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

The mother took the children away from the father. If she has custody. If the father feel the mother wrong, he chould go to court.Also does she have a place to stable plase to live, when they move. Are the kids old enough to say they don't want to move to a different state,they want to continue to go to school, where they live know.So yes this should be brought up, before she moves these kids to an area there not comfortable with. I think it's selfish for the mother not to even consider this, unless she has.

 

[akmom]

It sounds like the dispute has been resolved and he is seeing his kids again. He just doesn't like the longer commute. Whether the kids want to move or not is irrelevant. Children don't get to decide all these things. Parents make these decisions out of necessity, not selfishness. If the parents are unemployed then obviously their current situation is not working for them. They are probably moving to a cheaper area, or toward more work opporunities, or perhaps nearer to a support network. Moving is a lot of work and involves stress, so I doubt the parents are just relocating on a whim. No court is going to revoke custody from a legally fit parent just because the other parent doesn't feel like sharing them any more, or because the kids don't want to move. Co-parenting is a reality when you have children with someone. It's not something that you can go to court and revoke because you don't like it anymore, or you don't get along with the other parent, or you don't want to drive that far. When you have children with someone, you share them, even after a divorce. Even if you can't work out the details amicably. Sole custody is a tragic situation that happens when one parent can't or doesn't want to raise their children any more; it is not a goal for one parent to pursue just because they think it would be easier, or they think their home is better for the kids than the other parent's home. A good parent/stepparent would support them through their frustrations, instead of taking sides.

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

Parents make these decisions out of necessity, not selfishness.

If only this were true....

 

[The Princess Bride]

Things are still unresolved, we're trying to find a peaceful agreement, but we'll see. Practically had to drag the children to the car to return them to their mother yesterday, my step daughter was nearly in tears about having to go.

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

Things are still unresolved, we're trying to find a peaceful agreement, but we'll see. Practically had to drag the children to the car to return them to their mother yesterday, my step daughter was nearly in tears about having to go.

Is this over the move or is their more going on? How old is she? The court might make thing worse for your husband, if she's a good mom, or even if she's a bad mom. If you can work on an agreement with out the courts it might be better. My counsin has friend thats raising his kids, went to court so he didn't have pay child support , since the mother only has them every other week and some holidays. Well the judge said NO, since the mother has them every other week and some holidays, he still has to pay full child support. So men aren't treated fairly in these cases.

 

[mamawolf]

You won't get full legal custody of the kids against the mother's will unless the court finds her to be unfit as a parent (e.g., drug/alcohol problems, child abuse or neglect). Frequent relocations alone do not make a parent unfit. At best, you may get the court to prevent her from moving, but if a lawyer is $4K, I can't imagine that would save you much money versus acquiescing to the long commute.

Children cry and beg over all sorts of things. That doesn't make it your duty to legally challenge their mother's right to her own children. Your home may very well be the better one right now. You are lucky. Many families are struggling with the bad economy, and finding themselves unable to afford to stay where they are. If your relationship went sour and you found yourself in a divorce with your husband being in the better, more stable financial situation, would you not be devastated to have your children taken from you? If the children are being abused or neglected, it's time to challenge custody. If not, then you have no business trying to take a woman's children away from her.

she did state that the childrens mother hits the daughter in the face for sayin she wants to live with her dad thats abuse and the fact that she wont get her son tested for autism thats medical neglect and a removable offense. and what she is doing by saying theydont need their dad cuz they hve one (fiance) is parent alienation syndrome and is considered abuse

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

she did state that the childrens mother hits the daughter in the face for sayin she wants to live with her dad thats abuse and the fact that she wont get her son tested for autism thats medical neglect and a removable offense. and what she is doing by saying theydont need their dad cuz they hve one (fiance) is parent alienation syndrome and is considered abuse

This needs to be brought up then, I would think.

 

[The Princess Bride]

You won't get full legal custody of the kids against the mother's will unless the court finds her to be unfit as a parent (e.g., drug/alcohol problems, child abuse or neglect). Frequent relocations alone do not make a parent unfit. At best, you may get the court to prevent her from moving, but if a lawyer is $4K, I can't imagine that would save you much money versus acquiescing to the long commute.

Children cry and beg over all sorts of things. That doesn't make it your duty to legally challenge their mother's right to her own children. Your home may very well be the better one right now. You are lucky. Many families are struggling with the bad economy, and finding themselves unable to afford to stay where they are. If your relationship went sour and you found yourself in a divorce with your husband being in the better, more stable financial situation, would you not be devastated to have your children taken from you? If the children are being abused or neglected, it's time to challenge custody. If not, then you have no business trying to take a woman's children away from her.

I don't view it as "taking her children away" simply because my husband's children were taken away by their mother from the divorce. Our obligation isn't to her, it is to the children. That their well-being is our interest, and to do what we can to see them happy.

She is a very unstable person. She's been diagnosed as being bi-polar, but refuses to take medication for it. She's moved 6 times in 5 years, this will be the 6th move. She job hops. Keeping a job maybe a year.

My husband said she showed up several times at his door on Sunday nights at like 10 pm- midnight, intoxicated, to take the kids back.

The mother took the children away from the father. If she has custody. If the father feel the mother wrong, he chould go to court.Also does she have a place to stable plase to live, when they move. Are the kids old enough to say they don't want to move to a different state,they want to continue to go to school, where they live know.So yes this should be brought up, before she moves these kids to an area there not comfortable with. I think it's selfish for the mother not to even consider this, unless she has.

My step-daughter who is 13, said that when their mom asked what they thought of the move and new schools, she got very mad when the kids protested. My step-daughter even said she brought up to her mom she felt as though she was moving them away from their father on purpose. She said her mom snapped "shut up, I don't want to hear anymore of your opinions." at that.

It sounds like the dispute has been resolved and he is seeing his kids again. He just doesn't like the longer commute. Whether the kids want to move or not is irrelevant. Children don't get to decide all these things. Parents make these decisions out of necessity, not selfishness.

Actually, I am generally the one who makes the commute, and yes, I do mind it. I will spend 8 hrs of my weekend, every other weekend, on the road. Plus almost another $100 more of gas on top of child support to this broad.

I wish you could see the situation through our eyes, because even the kids say their mom is selfish and requested the "transfer" so she "wouldn't have to deal with their dad anymore".

If the parents are unemployed then obviously their current situation is not working for them. They are probably moving to a cheaper area, or toward more work opporunities, or perhaps nearer to a support network. Moving is a lot of work and involves stress, so I doubt the parents are just relocating on a whim. No court is going to revoke custody from a legally fit parent just because the other parent doesn't feel like sharing them any more, or because the kids don't want to move. Co-parenting is a reality when you have children with someone. It's not something that you can go to court and revoke because you don't like it anymore, or you don't get along with the other parent, or you don't want to drive that far. When you have children with someone, you share them, even after a divorce. Even if you can't work out the details amicably. Sole custody is a tragic situation that happens when one parent can't or doesn't want to raise their children any more; it is not a goal for one parent to pursue just because they think it would be easier, or they think their home is better for the kids than the other parent's home. A good parent/stepparent would support them through their frustrations, instead of taking sides.

My husband has joint legal custody -which according to the paperwork state he has the right in helping choose his children's education - has his ex consulted with him regarding the kids well-being or education? Nope. Not once.

His ex moved to a place that has a higher cost of living than where we live, and she is moving to someplace that's no cheaper, probably even more expensive. All of her family lives within 20 to 30 mins of where we currently live. So I know she's not moving for those reasons.

I don't think it's realistic to not take sides. We don't stir things up or convince the kids to be rude or uncooperative with their mother or step-father, but I am not going to take their mother's side when I feel she is in the wrong.

Is this over the move or is their more going on? How old is she? The court might make thing worse for your husband, if she's a good mom, or even if she's a bad mom. If you can work on an agreement with out the courts it might be better. My counsin has friend thats raising his kids, went to court so he didn't have pay child support , since the mother only has them every other week and some holidays. Well the judge said NO, since the mother has them every other week and some holidays, he still has to pay full child support. So men aren't treated fairly in these cases.

Oh, there is a LOT going on, but I don't feel like making my life THAT public or it'd be the theme for the next soap opera.

My step-daughter is 13. She can be a bit of a booger-head. She is flat out refusing to pack for the move and is trying everything to tick off her mom and step-dad so they SEND her to live with us.....She even jokingly said she may feed her mom raw fish....which isn't quite the scenario we had in mind.

she did state that the childrens mother hits the daughter in the face for sayin she wants to live with her dad thats abuse and the fact that she wont get her son tested for autism thats medical neglect and a removable offense. and what she is doing by saying theydont need their dad cuz they hve one (fiance) is parent alienation syndrome and is considered abuse

I feel really bad for my step-son because he is BARELY passing. He's making C's and D's. He is bright, but unmotivated in many ways. He has all the classic symptoms of high-functioning Autism. I'm only positive of that because I have a brother who is Autistic.

 

[akmom]

I'm sorry your husband puts the burden of the commute on you. Maybe you should revisit the subject of family roles now that there is more time involved in the visitations. Maybe he could pick them up every other time? Perhaps you could arrange for public transportation for a portion of the trip?

You must have known he was paying child support and commuting for visitations, so you did acquiesce to these things by marrying him anyway, and it's redundant to complain about them now. It's the same things almost every divorced couple complains about. Many of my divorced friends (and friends with divorced parents) recite these same troubles, and they never do get resolved. Unfortunately, most of these issues are not ones that a court would be sympathetic about. And while you apparently don't understand why she is moving, there is probably a reason and a court would weigh that in her favor. If you happen to live in Nebraska, apparently the courts there are very strict about parents moving with their children. You can always contact your state's social services department about abuse/neglect concerns.

People who are able to go through mediation typically report much higher satisfaction with their arrangements (at a fraction of the cost of going to court), but unfortunately you can't compel someone to go to mediation. It's a shame. (If you haven't requested formal mediation, you should consider that before getting a lawyer. It's statistically more effective than trying to work issues out one-on-one.) In the end, it usually comes down to coping skills, for the both the parents and children. Sometimes co-parenting is just a disaster.

 

[The Princess Bride]

When my husband and I first married, his ex and children lived 5 mins from my house. He lived about 20 mins away while we were dating. When we married he moved into my house and thats the time his ex moved an hr away. I dont mind getting the children currently because we usually stop by my grandparents to visit before heading back to our home. My husband has never been late on child support either.