Not feeling good enough/self-esteem issues

[jennab85]

Please don't think I'm weird. I have had self-esteem problems most of my life and I feel like I'm not good enough to be apart of anything or things that my friends and relatives have been apart of. I have never been asked to be in weddings, baptisms, similar events. I always had some hope that friends or relatives would include me but no one as ever included me. I feel ugly and feel worthless to friends and family. I have tried many times to always be there for them and I have done my best to show that I care for them a lot.

I'm starting to hate them all and I don't want to. I wish they would all just tell me I'm not and I was never good enough to be apart of their special events. All I ever wanted to feel special at least a few times in my life.

Please anyone here let me know if they are or have been in the same situation

 

[Luther073082]

Please don't think I'm weird. I have had self-esteem problems most of my life and I feel like I'm not good enough to be apart of anything or things that my friends and relatives have been apart of. I have never been asked to be in weddings, baptisms, similar events. I always had some hope that friends or relatives would include me but no one as ever included me. I feel ugly and feel worthless to friends and family. I have tried many times to always be there for them and I have done my best to show that I care for them a lot.

I'm starting to hate them all and I don't want to. I wish they would all just tell me I'm not and I was never good enough to be apart of their special events. All I ever wanted to feel special at least a few times in my life.

Please anyone here let me know if they are or have been in the same situation

Humans are by our nature selfish and self centered beings. We also tend to like public recognition. Your line of thinking here is showing that. And don't get me wrong, I am not condemming you, I've felt this way too. But what I'm trying to do is try to get you to consider things from a different angle.

People often see insult from not being included in something when no insult was intended. They often tend to see general topics as personally insulting or condemning when they are not even being directly talking about.

When you are having a wedding or a baptism, there are only so many people that you can "fit into" the wedding or baptism. For example I have 16 cousins on my father's side of the family alone, plus a brother and some friends. All of the cousins on my father's side are reasonably close to me.

My wife however had a fairly small family and a brother herself. Now I certainly would have liked to recognize one of my friends and some of my cousins by making them part of the wedding. However my wife only had really one person that she felt totally comfortable asking to be a bridesmaid. (One of the main reasons being that she had moved around a lot when she was younger, and any friends she had where relativly "new" friends. Not the type of people that she'd known most of her life)

We personally felt that it was best to have an equal number of groomsmen and bridesmaids. Plus the idea of one bestman and one maitron of honor appealed to us because it reduced the difficulty and complexity of the cerimony. So only my brother got to be a groomsman, while her brother and my uncle where ushers.

That isn't an insult on my friend or any of my cousins or to claim that they are not close enough to me to be worthy of being in my wedding. This wasn't an insult to her brother whom if we had more groomsmen I would have liked to have selected him. But only the realities of only so many people can take part. (And also the fewer the people the better in many ways).

My point is this. Do they invite you to the wedding or the baptism? If so then it is because they care about you and consider you important to their life. People do not invite people they consider to be unimportant to their baptisms and weddings.

You are taking them not wanting you IN the wedding or to be a God-parent to be an insult when there is no insult intended. All of this seems to stem from a desire for public recognition of your importance to their life. And your desire for public recognition is not a healthy desire, because at its core its still a self centered desire.

The world does not need to know that you are important for you to be an important person.

 

[jennab85]

Humans are by our nature selfish and self centered beings. We also tend to like public recognition. Your line of thinking here is showing that. And don't get me wrong, I am not condemming you, I've felt this way too. But what I'm trying to do is try to get you to consider things from a different angle.

People often see insult from not being included in something when no insult was intended. They often tend to see general topics as personally insulting or condemning when they are not even being directly talking about.

When you are having a wedding or a baptism, there are only so many people that you can "fit into" the wedding or baptism. For example I have 16 cousins on my father's side of the family alone, plus a brother and some friends. All of the cousins on my father's side are reasonably close to me.

My wife however had a fairly small family and a brother herself. Now I certainly would have liked to recognize one of my friends and some of my cousins by making them part of the wedding. However my wife only had really one person that she felt totally comfortable asking to be a bridesmaid. (One of the main reasons being that she had moved around a lot when she was younger, and any friends she had where relativly "new" friends. Not the type of people that she'd known most of her life)

We personally felt that it was best to have an equal number of groomsmen and bridesmaids. Plus the idea of one bestman and one maitron of honor appealed to us because it reduced the difficulty and complexity of the cerimony. So only my brother got to be a groomsman, while her brother and my uncle where ushers.

That isn't an insult on my friend or any of my cousins or to claim that they are not close enough to me to be worthy of being in my wedding. This wasn't an insult to her brother whom if we had more groomsmen I would have liked to have selected him. But only the realities of only so many people can take part. (And also the fewer the people the better in many ways).

My point is this. Do they invite you to the wedding or the baptism? If so then it is because they care about you and consider you important to their life. People do not invite people they consider to be unimportant to their baptisms and weddings.

You are taking them not wanting you IN the wedding or to be a God-parent to be an insult when there is no insult intended. All of this seems to stem from a desire for public recognition of your importance to their life. And your desire for public recognition is not a healthy desire, because at its core its still a self centered desire.

The world does not need to know that you are important for you to be an important person.

I do get what you are saying Luther. I do get invited to the weddings and baptisms. But it is always a little sad for me to see the wedding parties always hanging out and doing things at the wedding while I'm just a guest. I have always wanted to experience being in a wedding at least once. I don't want public recognition, I desire wanting someone to think enough of me to be stand up with them at their wedding.

 

[Luther073082]

I do get what you are saying Luther. I do get invited to the weddings and baptisms. But it is always a little sad for me to see the wedding parties always hanging out and doing things at the wedding while I'm just a guest. I have always wanted to experience being in a wedding at least once.

Really I've ushered in 2 weddings and been a groom in one. Its really not that big of a deal.

Plus as a female you are at a disadvantage in a way. Almost everyone uses male ushers and there isn't really a female equivilant to the usher in a wedding. So as a woman there are less spots open.

I don't want public recognition, I desire wanting someone to think enough of me to be stand up with them at their wedding.

Well like I said, just because they aren't inviting you to be a part of it doesn't mean they don't think highly of you.

Public recognition may be the wrong word. But at the very least you want to be recognized, if not just yourself. You want to feel as though you are high up on the order of precidence or importance.

Another thing with baptisms that you should know. Some faiths require that the godparents not only be Christians but also require that they be in the same demonination. I belive that our church is like this as well. They require that the sponsors of the baptism be confessional Lutherans.

The thing is that the sponsors or Godparents in a baptism where traditionally belived to be responsible for the child's religious education if the parents die.

Many demoniations, including confessional Lutherans are "unapologetically right about everything." In the fact that we think we are 100% correct about our doctrine and we don't apologize for believing that. And so therefore we would not want the Godparents of one of our member's children feeding them with false doctrines comming from a heterodox church such as Baptists, Roman Catholic, "Evangelical", Anglican, Methodist etc.

So that plays a part in it.

Anyways its not good for you to take this so personally. Just go on living your life in a way that makes you happy. Be a good family member/friend and don't worry about the rest.

 

[jennab85]

Really I've ushered in 2 weddings and been a groom in one. Its really not that big of a deal.

Plus as a female you are at a disadvantage in a way. Almost everyone uses male ushers and there isn't really a female equivilant to the usher in a wedding. So as a woman there are less spots open.



Well like I said, just because they aren't inviting you to be a part of it doesn't mean they don't think highly of you.

Public recognition may be the wrong word. But at the very least you want to be recognized, if not just yourself. You want to feel as though you are high up on the order of precidence or importance.

Another thing with baptisms that you should know. Some faiths require that the godparents not only be Christians but also require that they be in the same demonination. I belive that our church is like this as well. They require that the sponsors of the baptism be confessional Lutherans.

The thing is that the sponsors or Godparents in a baptism where traditionally belived to be responsible for the child's religious education if the parents die.

Many demoniations, including confessional Lutherans are "unapologetically right about everything." In the fact that we think we are 100% correct about our doctrine and we don't apologize for believing that. And so therefore we would not want the Godparents of one of our member's children feeding them with false doctrines comming from a heterodox church such as Baptists, Roman Catholic, "Evangelical", Anglican, Methodist etc.

So that plays a part in it.

Anyways its not good for you to take this so personally. Just go on living your life in a way that makes you happy. Be a good family member/friend and don't worry about the rest.

I do understand the part about denominations and baptisms. Most of my friends and relatives are Catholic.

I have heard several people who have said that being in weddings isn't a big deal. To me being a wedding would be a big deal because I am very awkward person, I'm very short. I'm only 4"9, I have suffered from diabetes since childhood, and I have dealt with depression since a teenager. I probably won't have kids because of health problems. I have felt like a freak most of my life and being apart of special event would probably make me feel better about myself.

 

[Luther073082]

Don't let your health problems define you or become who you are.

My name is Kirk and I have Juvenille Myoclonic Epilepsy and Essential tremors of the hands. But JME and essential tremors is not who I am, it doesn't define me. (Essential tremors of the hands basically means that if my hands are not laying on something they shake uncontrollably.)

You may have some tougher health problems to deal with... But the same principal applies. You are not some sort of lesser person because of health problems and you are definatly not a "freak".

So what if you are short? Whats that mean to me or anyone else? Not a heck of a lot unless we are talking about playing basketball.

Diabetes. . . please, it runs in my family, I might get it when I get older, my grandfather died of it (somewhat purposefully he quit taking his insulin).

All the things you listened are circumstances beyond your control. The measure of who we are is based not on what we're born with or the things that are out of our control, but what we do with the things we can control.

You still control your own destiny. Don't let these things make you feel like less of a person or that you can't do much. There are a lot of worse situations to be in.

Really ultimatly confidence comes from within. You have to belive in you to have confidence. Being a wedding or something like that might give you a temporary boost of confidence. . . but its not going to fix it. Its not going to make you a more confident person in the long run.

Thats just like these stupid ads I keep hearing on the radio for breast enlargement. The ad tries to sell women on the idea that somehow having bigger boobs is going to make them a more confident person. Its a false hope, because with the majority of those women they will only find something else about them that they don't like and be unconfident about that. But hey it sells some silicone impants and thats all they are concerned about.

No one I know see's me as an epileptic who can't keep his hand's steady even though most people who know me well know I have both problems.

And no one who cares about you see's you as the short diabetic girl. You need to stop seeing yourself that way.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

There are plenty of people who haven't played a part in either weddings or baptisms.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

I do understand the part about denominations and baptisms. Most of my friends and relatives are Catholic.

I have heard several people who have said that being in weddings isn't a big deal. To me being a wedding would be a big deal because I am very awkward person, I'm very short. I'm only 4"9, I have suffered from diabetes since childhood, and I have dealt with depression since a teenager. I probably won't have kids because of health problems. I have felt like a freak most of my life and being apart of special event would probably make me feel better about myself.

If you want to feel better about yourself, you could volunteer and help others in some way. (Visit nursing homes or children's hospitals, help out at an animal shelter, visit a soup kitchen, help out at church, etc).

 

[If Not For Grace]

Are you dependable? Trustworthly? Honest?

If you are-you are ok in my book, if not; work on it practice makes perfect.

 

[jennab85]

If you want to feel better about yourself, you could volunteer and help others in some way. (Visit nursing homes or children's hospitals, help out at an animal shelter, visit a soup kitchen, help out at church, etc).

I have done those things and they do make me feel better about myself at times. I want to be apart of weddings so I will feel better about the relationships I have with people and that way I know that I matter to them.

 

[jennab85]

Are you dependable? Trustworthly? Honest?

If you are-you are ok in my book, if not; work on it practice makes perfect.

I'm dependable and trustworthy. I have never been fired from a job and I have help organize family parties/events.

 

[jennab85]

Are you dependable? Trustworthly? Honest?

If you are-you are ok in my book, if not; work on it practice makes perfect.

I am

 

[FaithPrevails]

I have done those things and they do make me feel better about myself at times. I want to be apart of weddings so I will feel better about the relationships I have with people and that way I know that I matter to them.

Why do you feel that you don't matter to them if you're not in their wedding or part of a special event? Do you have a friend or family member you are particularly close with that you would want to be in their wedding or do you just want to be in ANY wedding just to feel that you mattered to someone?

I've been in 4 weddings and they were all people who I am or was very close to at the time.

 

[jennab85]

Why do you feel that you don't matter to them if you're not in their wedding or part of a special event? Do you have a friend or family member you are particularly close with that you would want to be in their wedding or do you just want to be in ANY wedding just to feel that you mattered to someone?

I've been in 4 weddings and they were all people who I am or was very close to at the time.

I have had several close relatives and friends that didn't ask me to be in their weddings. I have had several close relatives and friends that never asked me to be in their weddings and it hurt and I think I want to be any wedding that I can feel that I've mattered to someone.

I just want to know how it feels that have at least one person who think enough of me to make me apart of their big day.

 

[FaithPrevails]

I have had several close relatives and friends that didn't ask me to be in their weddings. I have had several close relatives and friends that never asked me to be in their weddings and it hurt and I think I want to be any wedding that I can feel that I've mattered to someone.

I just want to know how it feels that have at least one person who think enough of me to make me apart of their big day.

Don't equate being asked to be in a wedding with people not caring a lot about you. That's undue pressure you are putting on yourself, IMO. If you want to be a part, why not ask how you can help? Offer to be a greeter or to monitor the signing of the guestbook. Do you think people realize you want to be involved or is it possible that you shut yourself off from seeming interested b/c you are so sensitive to the fact that you haven't been asked?

 

[jennab85]

Don't equate being asked to be in a wedding with people not caring a lot about you. That's undue pressure you are putting on yourself, IMO. If you want to be a part, why not ask how you can help? Offer to be a greeter or to monitor the signing of the guestbook. Do you think people realize you want to be involved or is it possible that you shut yourself off from seeming interested b/c you are so sensitive to the fact that you haven't been asked?

The reason I never offered to be a greeter or take care of the guestbook is because in a lot of the weddings the bride and groom select those people. I don't shut myself away from others in incidents in which I don't get asked.

 

[SplendidTree]

I am sorry you feel how you do sister. I struggle with self esteem issues as well for different reasons. One thing to keep in mind is that it is hard for people to choose wedding parties. They usually know a lot of people and hate having to choose so few. I was in one when I was like 19 so I know firsthand. It isnt you it is just sometimes so hard to pick when you love all of your friends. If I get married someday I will have the same issue. Try not to take it personal.

I know self esteem sure is a struggle for everyone at times and I hope it gets easier for you. You sound like you have good traits and qualities so try to focus on those things.

 

[FaithPrevails]

What Colleen said about choosing people is true. My cousin asked me to be her maid of honor for her wedding and I did it gladly. I was also the maid of honor for my sister at her wedding. However, when it came time for my first marriage, I was only having one person stand up with me (our wedding was small and only had 50 guests). I chose my sister and asked my cousin to be the greeter and steer everyone to the guestbook. It was the best solution for me.

 

[thedport]

Sadly, I feel that selfesteem issues affect more people than we realize. I know from my own experience that being recognized as someone worthy of being part of something important can feel great, and when your not asked it hurts. I have been hurt a lot through life,but I finally figured out that I am part of something great. We are the stars of our own lives, and no one can take that away from us. Suffering is inevitable, it's part of the human condition that has been thought about since the beggining of time. But there is a way to help ease these feeling of sadness. We chooose how to react to situations, yes it is very hard, but we can choose to be happy in spite of external influences. We are all players in this great and fantastic game of life, and it is our choices, not others that affect how happy we can and will be. We must first find ourselves, and love ourselves before we can feel as we are getting love from others. Every action has an equal reaction, sadness and doubt breed as such. Happiness and joy breed as such. Radiate an aura of love,kindness, happiness, and trully mean it and it will be given back. It took me many years to figure this out. I hope some of this maybe helped.

 

[Tim Myers]

Self-Esteem = Esteem You Give Yourself......