Not Again...

[EbonNelumbo]

Last year I survived horrible conditions. Some people here know that. After I got past that ordeal, I ended up dating my best friend who then proposed to me. We have been engaged for a few months now. Things were absolutly wonderful...and then they changed.

Some days he is conceivably the most helpful and loving man on this planet. And on others...

Two nights ago we had a fight. He was trying to teach one of our pets obedience and I thought he was being too rough so I tried to show him how to do it better...he ended up grabbing and twisting my wrist..really hard. I overreacted and made a bad decision of slapping him and attempting to walk out. He hit me...pretty hard, on my chest..I was knocked back a little onto our oven (I didn't fall. ) I tried to push him back off me because he was blocking my path and ended up shoving him on his collar bone (he thought I intended to choke him...) so he freaked out, slammed me against the oven and any time I would try to wriggle out of his grip he'd slam me back...my head hit the cupboard over the oven 3-4 times and I felt dizzy. He then grabbed me and tried to 'walk' me out to the living room, the dishwasher door was open and I hit it with my right leg, and to avoid falling on it, put my left foot over it and he ended up throwing me into the living room. I fell and started crying. I hurt my right leg (nice bruise) and left foot (stress fracture? It hurts with every step...) as well as my head still hurting.
When he saw me crying and laying there it's like he snapped out of 'it' and came by my side. He asked what happened and started crying, saying he was sorry. I crawled into a ball on our couch and he sat by me. I asked if he remembered what happened, and he said no, he said he remembered me trying to grab our pet and then choking him...he didn't remember anything else except him trying to 'walk me to the living room' but I showed him the kitchen...the oven was twisted, everything knocked down...he started crying. He was asking how I could still love him and if I'd ever be able to trust him again.

We've had fights before where one thing led to another and I ended up going off on him, though he, in comparison, grabbed my arm and hurt me and I ended up straight out slapping or punching him in self-defense. He's 6'2", I'm 5'8". He's never slapped me or given me any bloody noses or black eyes...but when he does grab me he is incredibly strong and I have loose joints, hence dislocated limbs and such.

Okay, here's where I stand:
1)I will not leave, though I know it might be better for physical reasons.
2) He does not ever verbally/emo abuse me.
3) 90% of the time he is an angel...seriously. I broke my back in May and he stayed and has taken care of me...I can walk but I am in constant pain and he tries to do everything to make my life easier...yes, short of a few nights ago.
4) ...because of situation, he has no where to go and neither do I.


I am just afraid FOR him. Sometimes he honestly doesn't remember things. I am curious if anyone else has had someone they love do things they don't remember later. I am currently earning a BS in psycholgy so I know abnormal issues...I am just not sure which category this fits into. There are many people who love and care about me, which I finally understand...but I cannot speak to them about it, save those that are CF members, because they know him too and would 'talk to him' up close and personal because of my ex (short summary:ex fiance` broke it off 3 months to the wedding to date his concubine of sorts, a 16 year old who he'd been sleeping with...long story there...ended up getting arrested and sentenced for DV. ) Yes, I know this is typical to say: I love him and I am afraid. The 10% of the time he is like, well, what he was the other night is nothing compared to the 90% he is a God-send to me.

I just need to know how to help him NOT to get into these moods. No medical insurance and no extra money for counseling...besides that it made things worse. He's not an alcoholic and never drinks, literally maybe once or twice a year at a Halloween/New Years party and when he does its not a prob...

In his normal state, he is everything a good man should be. It's when he's not that I am afraid. I am seriously afraid when he's not.

*sigh* I guess I just don't know how to help him and I need to know.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Bad.
Bad bad bad.

You guys don't need this.
The only time I ever came close to hitting a woman was my step-mom and I moved out the next day because there is no use to be in that situation. I don't need to hit her and she doesn't need to be hit by me.

You are way too cool to endure this.
What are you thinking?

If you want to help him then leave him. Thats the best thing you could do.

 

[RebeccaLuvsJesus]

There are people who have "rage black-outs" in a sense that they forget what they've done in moments of intense anger. . .but it seems like you're searching for an excuse for his behavior. I was horrified to read that description of the encounter you had with him. 10% of the time is too much time to live with something like that. Making excuses for his behavior can have horrible consequences. You are afraid for him. I'm afraid for you.

Is there a pastor you could talk to? Has he expressed interest in wanting to find help for this?

 

[EbonNelumbo]

There are people who have "rage black-outs" in a sense that they forget what they've done in moments of intense anger. . .but it seems like you're searching for an excuse for his behavior. I was horrified to read that description of the encounter you had with him. 10% of the time is too much time to live with something like that. Making excuses for his behavior can have horrible consequences. You are afraid for him. I'm afraid for you.

Is there a pastor you could talk to? Has he expressed interest in wanting to find help for this?

Rage black outs fit it pretty well. He has expressed no interest in caring to find outside help. To be honest, I don't know where his relationship with God is (and I am giving the benefit of the doubt in saying that...) Any time I ask if he will go to church with me it's a fight, or at least him just saying NO, and me not wanting to push the issue.

Pastor to talk to...to be completly honest, no I don't have one to talk to. Last year a lot of ties were severed and no the only pastors I could talk to might not even believe me because my fiance is adored by them and if they did believe me then they might do some things which they would get into a LOT of trouble for.

I am not looking for an excuse so much as a legitimate reason or mental defect. I am looking for a real reason as to why someone who has been my best friend for a while now can love me one day and get so angry as to hurt me the next.

Don't be afraid for me. I am just scared, and my life is not in danger. I am hurt more than anything that he won't really talk to me about why this is happening. I do thank you, both of you, very much though.

I am just not sure exactly how to handle this. I have absolutly no place to go and it's a complicated situation now. I am confused.

 

[angelkiss]

This is called a "blind rage." The 10% of the time he does this outweighs the other 90%. Why? Because one of these days a blind rage could make him break bones, pull hair, slap until your face is black and your eyes swell shut, fracture ribs, choke you, and possibly even try to kill you. I know this first hand. I was once with someone who flew into these rages. It started out, 10%, 20%, 30%..............It's not worth it! Even though he's sorry, that's not going to keep him from doing it again and again and again and......you get my point. The best thing for him is to seek counseling. Anger management wouldn't be a bad idea. Main thing........He has to want to. If his heart's not in it, it's not going to do any good, and the situation will not get better. Good luck, and may God bless you always!

 

[RebeccaLuvsJesus]

If he's not willing to seek help for this, then how can he claim he truly cares about you? You're engaged to this man and hope to spend a lifetime with him. Can you imagine a lifetime of these fits. . .never knowing when one is going to come, never knowing how bad the next one might be?

Do you really think the Lord wants you to live like this?

 

[Mr.Cheese]

If he's not willing to seek help for this, then how can he claim he truly cares about you? You're engaged to this man and hope to spend a lifetime with him. Can you imagine a lifetime of these fits. . .never knowing when one is going to come, never knowing how bad the next one might be?

Do you really think the Lord wants you to live like this?

Ditto that.
Talk is cheap. Love doesn't throw punches at women.