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Nooooobody expects....

F

freeport

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Amusingly put, but it is true.

Many Christians say, "I know, I know", and go off, listening to lying teachers instead of resting and getting taught by the anointing in their heart.

So, they never expect the judgment for such matters: as who could tell them? One can never tell someone who thinks they know everything anything.
 
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GrinningDwarf

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Here's another fun Monty Python sketch, but it will take a few posts to get the whole thing in...

The Argument Clinic


A reception desk in a sort of office building.
Receptionist: Yes, sir?
Man: I'd like to have an argument please.
Receptionist: Certainly, sir. Have you been here before...?
Man: No, this is my first time.
Receptionist: I see. Do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Man: Well, what would be the cost?
Receptionist: Yes, it's one pound for a five-minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Man: Well, I think it's probably best if I start with the one and see how it goes from there. OK?
Receptionist: Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment ... Mr. Du-Bakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory ... yes, try Mr. Barnard - Room 12.
Man: Thank you.

The man walks down a corridor. He opens door 12. There is a man at a desk.

Mr Barnard (shouting): What do you want?
Man: Well I was told outside ...
Mr Barnard: Don't give me that you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
Man: What!
Mr Barnard: Shut your festering gob you twit! Your type makes me puke! You vacuous toffee-nosed malodorous pervert!
Man: Look! I came here for an argument.
Mr Barnard (calmly): Oh! I'm sorry, this is abuse.
Man: Oh I see, that explains it.
Mr Barnard: No, you want room 12A next door.
Man: I see - sorry. (exits)
Mr Barnard: Not at all. (as he goes) Stupid git.

Outside 12A. The man knocks on the door.

Mr Vibrating (from within): Come in.

The man enters the room. Mr Vibrating is sitting at a desk.

Man: Is this the right room for an argument?
Mr Vibrating: I've told you once.
Man: No you haven't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I have.
Man: When?
Mr Vibrating: Just now!
Man: No you didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did!
Man: Didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Did.
Man: Didn't.
Mr Vibrating: I'm telling you I did!
Man: You did not!
Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?
Man: Oh ... Just a five-minute one.
Mr Vibrating: Fine (makes a note of it; the man sists down) thank you. Anyway, I did.
Man: You most certainly did not.
Mr Vibrating: Now, let's get one thing quite clear. I most definitely told you!
Man: You did not.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: Didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: Didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did!!
Man: Look, this isn't an argument.
Mr Vibrating: Yes it is.
Man: No it isn't, it's just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: Yes it is.
Mr Vibrating: It is not.
Man: It is. You just contradicted me.
Mr Vibrating: No I didn't.
Man: Ooh, you did!
Mr Vibrating: No, no, no, no, no.
Man: You did, just then.
Mr Vibrating: No, nonsense!
Man: Oh, look this is futile.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: I came here for a good argument.
Mr Vibrating: No you didn't, you came here for an argument.
 
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GrinningDwarf

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Man: Well, an argument's not the same as contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: It can be.

Man: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a definite proposition.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: Yes it is. It isn't just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
Man: But it isn't just saying 'No it isn't'.
Mr Vibrating: Yes it is.
Man: No it isn't, Argument is an intellectual process ... contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: Yes it is.
Mr Vibrating: Not at all.
Man: Now look!
Mr Vibrating (pressing the bell on his desk): That's it. Good morning.
Man: But I was just getting interested.

Mr Vibrating: Sorry the five minutes is up.
Man: That was never five minutes just now!
Mr Vibrating: I'm afraid it was.
Man: No it wasn't.
Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.
Man: What!?
Mr Vibrating: If you want me to go on arguing you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
Man: But that was never five minutes just now ... oh Come on! (Vibrating looks round as though man was not there) This is ridiculous.
Mr Vibrating: I'm very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.

Man: Oh. all right. (pays) There you are.
Mr Vibrating: Thank you.

Man: Well?.
Mr Vibrating: Well what?
Man: That was never five minutes just now.
Mr Vibrating: I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
Man: I've just paid.
Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.
Man: I did! I did! I did!
Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.
Man: Look I don't want to argue about that.
Mr Vibrating: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay.
Man: Aha! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing ... got you!
Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.
Man: Yes I have ... if you're arguing I must have paid.
Mr Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Man: I've had enough of this.
Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.
 
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GrinningDwarf

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Man: Oh shut up! (he leaves and sees a door marked complaints; he goes in) I want to complain.
Man in charge: You want to complain ... look at these shoes ... I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.

Man: No, I want to complain about ...
Man in charge: If you complain nothing happens ... you might just as well not bother. My back hurts and ... (the man exits, walks down the corridor and enters a room)
Man: I want to complain.
('Spreaders' who is just inside the door hits man on the head with a mallet) Ooh!
Spreaders: No, no, no, hold your head like this, and then go 'waaagh'! Try it again.
(he hits him again)
Man: Waaghh!

Spreaders: Better. Better. But 'waaaaaghh'! 'Waaaagh'! Hold your hands here ...
Man: No!
Spreaders: Now. (hits him)
Man: Waagh!

Spreaders: That's it. That's it. Good.
Man: Stop hitting me!
Spreaders: What?
Man: Stop hitting me.
Spreaders: Stop hitting you?
Man: Yes.
Spreaders: What did you come in here for then?
Man: I came here to complain.
Spreaders: Oh I'm sorry, that's next door. It's being hit on the head lessons in here.
Man: What a stupid concept.

Detective Inspector Fox enters

Fox: Right. Hold it there.

Man and Spreaders: What?
Fox:
Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Fox of the Light Entertainment Police, Comedy Division, Special Flying Squad.

Man and Spreaders: Flying Fox of the Yard.
Fox:
Shut up!
(he hits the man with a truncheon)
Man: Ooooh?

Spreaders: No, no, no - Waagh!
Fox: And you. (he hits Spreaders)
Spreaders: Waagh!

Fox: He's good! You could learn a thing or two from him. Right now you two me old beauties, you are nicked.
Man: What for?
Fox: I'm charging you under Section 21 of the Strange Sketch Act.
Man: The what?
Fox: You are hereby charged that you did wilfully take part in a strange sketch, that is, a skit, spoof or humorous vignette of an unconventional nature with intent to cause grievous mental confusion to the Great British Public. (to camera) Evening all.
Spreaders: It's a fair cop.

Fox: And you tosh. (hits the man)
Man: WAAAGH!

Fox: That's excellent! Right, come on down the Yard.

Another inspector arrives.

Inspector: Hold it. Hold it. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Thompson's Gazelle of the Programme Planning Police, Light Entertainment Division, Special Flying Squad.

Fox: Flying Thompson's Gazelle of the Yard!
Inspector: Shut up! (he hits him)
Fox: Waaaagh!

Spreaders: He's good.
Inspector: Shut up! (hits Spreaders)
Spreaders: WAAGH!

Man: Rotten. (he gets hit) WAAAGH!
Inspector: Good. Now I'm arrestin' this entire show on three counts: one, acts of self-conscious behaviour contrary to the 'Not in front of the children' Act, two, always saying 'It's so and so of the Yard' every time the fuzz arrives and, three, and this is the cruncher, offenses against the 'Getting out of sketches without using a proper punchline' Act, four, namely, simply ending every bleedin' sketch by just having a policeman come in and... wait a minute.


Another policeman enters.

Policeman: Hold it.
(puts his hand on Inspector Thompson's Gazelle's shoulder)
Inspector: It's a fair cop.


A large hairy hand appears through the door and claps him on the shoulder.

CAPTION: 'THE END'
 
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GrinningDwarf

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I'm Mr. Lo-Tech. I live so far out in the country that I only have a 26k dial-up connection. (My hardware can do 56k, but my poor, old rural phone lines only move 26k!) Satellite is still too expensive, so I don't really do YouTube at home.

Thanks for posting for those who can benefit from it, though!
 
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MrJim

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I'm Mr. Lo-Tech. I live so far out in the country that I only have a 26k dial-up connection. (My hardware can do 56k, but my poor, old rural phone lines only move 26k!) Satellite is still too expensive, so I don't really do YouTube at home.

Thanks for posting for those who can benefit from it, though!

Glad to help out the Dwarf~~those monty python guys are nuts:cool:
 
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GrinningDwarf

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Here's another Python goody:

Arthur: Old woman!

Dennis: Man!

Arthur: Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?

Dennis: I'm thirty-seven.

Arthur: I-- what?

Dennis: I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old.

Arthur: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.

Dennis: Well, you could say 'Dennis'.

Arthur: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'.

Dennis: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?

Arthur: I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from the behind you looked--

Dennis: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!

Arthur: Well, I am King!

Dennis: Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the--

Woman: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh! How d'you do?

Arthur: How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's castle is that?

Woman: King of the who?

Arthur: The Britons.

Woman: Who are the Britons?

Arthur: Well, we all are. We are all Britons, and I am your king.

Woman: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.

Dennis: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--

Woman: Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.

Dennis: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of--

Arthur: Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?

Woman: No one lives there.

Arthur: Then who is your lord?

Woman: We don't have a lord.

Arthur: What?

Dennis: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week,...

Arthur: Yes.

Dennis: ...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...

Arthur: Yes, I see.

Dennis: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,...

Arthur: Be quiet!

Dennis: ...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--

Arthur: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

Woman: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.

Arthur: I am your king!

Woman: Well, I didn't vote for you.

Arthur: You don't vote for kings.

Woman: Well, how did you become King, then?

Arthur: The Lady of the Lake,... [angels sing] ...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!

Dennis: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

Arthur: Be quiet!

Dennis: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

Arthur: Shut up!

Dennis: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

Arthur: Shut up, will you? Shut up!

Dennis: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.

Arthur: Shut up!

Dennis: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!

Arthur: Bloody peasant!

Dennis: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?
 
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MrJim

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There is no post 8.

whaddaya smokin' crack?
3.gif
of course there's a post 8, it's between 7 & 9 and i put it there..
 
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GrinningDwarf

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No one's gonna take the bait, huh? :)

Why do we need bait? Go back to Page 1 of this thread and you'll see that I've already posted the script for The Argument Clinic over posts 5, 6, & 7, and MrJim posted a link to a YouTube video of the sketch in post 8.
 
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