No where to turn to

Prongs Rini · Jan 4, 2005

Many hours ago, when I was in Goodwill store, originally, I went in to buy a purse. Then something caught my attention, a book called 'Columbine Courage.' I got the book on a whim, hoping that the book would help me seek the answers I needed. The book, I swear it was godsend by God himself, it nearly had all the answers I needed. At some parts, I even cried, and it takes quite a bit for me to lose a tear.

I gave myself to Jesus in end of 98, six years that I've been saved. But, for the past three to four years, my faith have been declining. I no longer have the spirit fire in myself as I keep falling toward the dark. Questioning my faith in God and I even looked into other religons. In the end, my life to Jesus seems the only one true religon. In the first thirteen years of my life, I have been blessed by many people, and learning of Jesus and Loving Father through Church. Where am I going with this, you ask?

I just wanted to know, just why do I want to have an eternal life. I understand that I will be with God who is a loving Father and be with my brothers and sisters. Though, my mind can and cannot begin to comprehend the longitivity of eternity. I also want to end my apathy, I want to feel emotions again and stop the numbness I feel in my soul. I repeatedly cried out to Lord, and yet, I don't know.

I tried coming to church, and the only fulfilling at church for me is singing the worship. Often times, I cannot hear what my pastors are saying or even what they're praying. I believe that Lord had given me a gift and a curse, of being deaf and losing my vision as well. I remain optimistic and yet, I don't know where to look for. Also, I had been given the miracle of having a cochlear implant, giving me a chance to hear the sounds.

The reason why I put the emphasis on blessing ['...I have been blessed by many people...'] is that I hardly even really understand what a blessing is. I'm sure I can look up the definition in a dictionary book, online or ask a family member and be done with that. What I really need is to know why blessings exist and what kind of impact they have on us. Is it the feeling of gratefulness for other people, to give well-wishes?

Moving on to a different topic, I have prayed to God to help me to attend church, but I haven't been able to, it was either sleep in, no one comes to church (rendering me not coming along because of my inability to drive a car) or don't go at all because the thought of just sitting there and not hearing what people are saying. I don't even know which church to attend.

And to be honest... I don't know any other deaf people who are committed to our Lord, Jesus Christ. I have met many, many people who are deaf, but they are of different religions or don't have one at all. I tried to help them to see the Way, but I have failed in that aspect. I don't know where or who to turn to, I really don't.

The fact that I'm practically alone in the church where the only time I can be rejoicing with people is singing, because of the lyrics shown on the wall. I have once belonged to a youth group that I had immensely enjoyed but that was years ago and in a different state. The very thought of my old favorite pastor and friends, whom they said my faith was so strong in God. That now my, well, shame... is that my faith is so low. I cannot bear the thought of them being, I don't know the word, decieved? Ashamed of myself? Lying? I don't know, but I hope you get my point. Anyway, I am glad to say that my faith in God is building. I can only hope that whatever obstacle God throws at me, I won't falter or waver again. Though, I am sure it will, again sometime in the future.

After all, the whole reason I am staying up all night until school starts is to sort out my thoughts on myself, family and God. Before I would even go on the bus to my high school. In the book, as I mentioned early on, said in one point, 'If I have to sacrifce everything... I will.' And so, I will, I am determined to purge on, to have the fire within me restored.

Lord and my Jesus Christ, I am here, begging you as I type, eyes mistening, please... Guide me.

I also would just like to share this part of a quote I found in the book, '...God doesn't measure maturity by age, but by obedience.' I am sure I've seen this before, but if I were to be measured by this for my own maturity as of late, well, I can safetly say I'm very, very immature. *sigh*

*sigh* So sorry for the long winded post.

P.S. I would very much appreciated if anyone can talk to me in yahoo msg (I'm always invisible), MSN and I prefer you to use AIM. Thank you and have a Good morning/day/afternoon/evening/night.

Theophorus · Jan 4, 2005

You might want to try exploring orthodoxy. The Liturgy includes all of the senses. The liturgy never changes except for the scripture readings and some hymns, but there is a "schedule" so you can read ahead of time what is being done in the Liturgy. There are many icons that describe the lives of Christians, and biblical accounts. Many refer to them as windows to heaven. The monastery that I attend Liturgy does the service in Greek. But I follow along in my prayer book, or being familiar with the service, just experience everything that is going on; the incense, the processions, the icons, the worshipers bowing and crossing themselves.
The service is structered in a way that you could probably follow along by the movements and actions of the priest, as well as the congregation. Orthodox worship is very ancient in form, and very reverent.

crossrunner · Jan 4, 2005

The Lord hears your prayers. continue to cry out to Him. He loves you and wants you to cast your cares upon Him.

TheMainException · Jan 5, 2005

My dear sister...I too have struggled through times of low faith, faith that was almost non-existant, and somehow I've come through, although my times of near extinguished faith has been much shorter than yours, I have felt it. Blessing is something you may realize for many a year...something that you only understand once you are old and ready for the grave to swallow you...and then it hits you...you wouldn't be here in this state or place, had that person not done what they had done for you. I feel for you my dear sister...and I love you very much...continue to work towards heaven...it will be hard...but we all have our curses and our blessings..and all can be equally as hard...my love to you!

MinDach · Jan 5, 2005

The fact that I'm practically alone in the church where the only time I can be rejoicing with people is singing, because of the lyrics shown on the wall. I have once belonged to a youth group that I had immensely enjoyed but that was years ago and in a different state

I have a friend who is deaf, by knowing her and how hard it is for her in a hearing world, I know just a very small amount of what you are going thr. All I can say is you need to get back in to a group, let people know how hard it is for you, so you can have people there to help and be there for you. Your not alone.

is that my faith is so low

Every one of us has a time in our lives where our faith has been low, just look at the Apostles, there were many times when there faith was low, and they walked and talked with Jesus for years. By Best to you

TheOriginalWhitehorse · Jan 22, 2005

You're not alone. Everyone goes through struggles of faith. That's perfectly normal. You've probably heard me say these before, but the main reasons people fall away from the faith always bear repeating:

1. We listen to our emotions. Emotions are not a good decision-making tool unless those emotions are completely ruled by God's Spirit, and a terrible indicator of what is true. Choosing beliefs according to what we feel or want to believe is the single greatest cause for people falling away from the faith. Everyone has a conception of what God is like, and when those conceptions are overturned by disappointment, either in circumstances or scripture, people fall away. To avoid this, we conform ourselves to God's will and purposes.

Romans 12:2

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

How does the italicized part happen? Through God's will:

Romans 8:29

8:29For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren.

He shows us how good He is along the way:

Psalm 34:8

34:8Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!

We've all had thoughts, especially in the earlier years of our faith: I can't believe a loving God would allow that. Or, I just don't want to believe in a God that would... Or, I know what the Bible says, but I think God just wants me to be happy, so if Christianity means I have to ______________, then I don't think it's right for me. "There must be a religion out there that believes what I do." (Or really, what the person wants to believe.)

James 1:17

1:17Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.

Proverbs 4:23

4:23Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life.

2. We sometimes forget that God is more interested in what we do than what we feel. Yes, He wants godly feelings. But more importantly, when we're disillusioned and not having those godly feelings, God wants us to do what is right anyhow. That means we don't have to wander away from His truth. There may be temptations, but those don't have to be obeyed. I would really hold off on looking at anything other than scripture or faithful material. Keep yourself where you need to be, especially when your faith wavers. Above all, God wants you to find His truth worth having and keeping. This is the reason Jacob wsa chosen over Esau to receive the inheritance: God had promised Abraham a spiritual inheritance, and that he would be the father of nations. Esau was the firstborn, and this inheritance was his. But he gave it away. You must be a Jacob, for whom the inheritance was worth wrestling for all night with an angel. It was worth a disabled hip. He wanted that spiritual birthright, and wouldn't let the angel go until he blessed him. This must be your spirit as well. He will eventually refresh you as you wait upon Him.

Isaiah 40:31

40:31But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.

That is a promise from scripture-lean on his promise, not on yourself because we all slip sometimes. God has a promise, so trust in Him and you will receive it. But please be very wary of wandering off the path, because God is sovereign and you may not find your way back.

Philippians 2:13

2:12Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling;

2:13for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.

3. Related to the above two principles are the fact that sometimes people give in to sin, and after they've been in it a while they can't give it up anymore. Sin is like any other addiction: eventually it takes control. It can be any sin, and the hooks are often things we think are minor. So, sometimes people wander away because they're just tired of fighting the flesh. They think that if they just change what they believe, they can continue in sin and have no repercussions. But the hook is hidden in the fact that we can't change reality because of what we choose to believe. If we could, there would be no Hitler. We'd simply believe him away.

James 1:14-15

1:14But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed.

1:15Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.

But if people do walk off the path, and want to return, meditating on Mannaseh is very important. He was the worst of idolotors and Israel went into exile as a result, but after all that, the Lord restored him:

2 Chronicles 33:12-13

33:12Now when he was in affliction, he implored the Lord his God, and humbled himself greatly before the God of his fathers,

33:13and prayed to Him; and He received his entreaty, heard his supplication, and brought him back to Jerusalem into his kingdom. Then Manasseh knew that the Lord was God.

Anyway, these may or may not apply to you; only you know your own situation. I'm just listing the most common internal reasons. There are external reasons, too, but if I listed all those right now this post would be unbearably long. But if you want them I will put them in another post.

BlessedVegan · Jan 22, 2005

I don't have much advice except maybe there's a church around that has a person signing the service? Maybe you could do that. I'm not clear on how good your vision is..could you see a person well enough to understand the sign language? Just trying to help, I will pray for you. I can only imagine how difficult this must be. Good luck!

Mustaphile · Jan 23, 2005

Prongs Rini said:
I just wanted to know, just why do I want to have an eternal life. I understand that I will be with God who is a loving Father and be with my brothers and sisters. Though, my mind can and cannot begin to comprehend the longitivity of eternity. I also want to end my apathy, I want to feel emotions again and stop the numbness I feel in my soul. I repeatedly cried out to Lord, and yet, I don't know.

Hi Prongs Rini,

Welcome to the CF forums.

I know what if feels like to feel dead in your faith sometimes. It's something we all go through at different times. The quote above has given me some thoughts on how I might bring something to your faith that may or may not be there already.

What I wanted to emphasise is that we can all get a bit caught up on the heaven and hell thing, when what we really want is to be loved and to love others. You might want to get to heaven, but it's not because you want eternal life. It's because you really love God and can't wait to be with him and heaven just happens to be where he is. You want to express your love for him and have him express his love for you. It's love that is the prime motivation for us to seek out God. When all other love has deserted you, God's love still remains. If your not feeling that love it's because your not loving him. Don't feel shame over that though, because he will never stop loving you. Nothing can stand between us and the hope of realising God's love. We are brought to God by faith, hope and love. If your faith is failing, let your hope and love carry you through. If your hope is failing, let faith and love carry you. If your love is failing, let your faith and hope carry you. In the times when all our faith, hope and love is directed towards God, in that moment we feel the certainty of our meeting face to face with God. These three will always be there to help you overcome. They are never lost, just ill-directed at times.

God bless you and keep you, Prongs Rini,

Mustaphile

Diamonds2004 · Jan 25, 2005

I have read some replies and some things I agree with and other I don't, like the orthodoxy suggestion. You say that you want to feel on fire again. I recommend you go to livingwaters.com. Click on "free video and audio". This is a Christian ministry site that helps people witness in their faith. Choose the video or audio of the presentation "Hell's Best Kept Secret". I think you will not go away wihtout something when you listen, preferablly watch, to that. The site for "Hell's Best Kept Secret" is here.

Prongs Rini · Jan 30, 2005

Thank you

So sorry for the long response but I've had some things to think over and your responses as well. I tried another church and amazingly, I can understand the pastor what he's saying. But I think, that in one thread or maybe in a PM, I'm not sure, but that everyone is their own church. So on that, I'm going to read the bitle on my own, perhaps use this board for further learning and create/learn some spiritual songs to sing.

There was one post that reccomended in finding someone to sign while during the sermon, I would like to point out that I'm oral-speaking and I don't know how to sign at all. Though, thanks for the suggestion. The other response I got was the long one, I don't think any of the three 'reason's wilthshire listed apply to me. Maybe it is the first one, about emotions.

To mustaphile, you've know no idea how much your words meant to me, I have always known how God loves us even when we don't love him back. Your words made me realize just how much it... well, I don't know how to put it in words, they were inspirational. ^^

Also, thanks for the "Hell's best kept secret", I've read it and now I'm going to print it out as soon as I get more ink. I really like how it is important to really understand the law than the 'false' part (which people should know what I'm talking about after reading that article). Again, thank you, thank you and thank you!

God bless you all
love
Rini

Tashena · Jan 31, 2005

Ok first off let me start by saying that when you first become saved, for some it is a time of extreme emotion and happiness, while others are more quaint about it. It is the same in the Lord's eyes. I firmly believe that EVERY christian has their highs and lows. There are days that I feel the Lord's prescence with me and there are many, many days where I can't seem to feel him at all. I know exactly where you are coming from. The point I'm trying to get at is the fact that what you are feeling is absoutly normal! You always have to remember that our Father is not the one who does the pulling away. We are the ones who pull our selves out of his prescence and he is always there waiting for us to come back and confess that we need him at our side! Take comfort friend, our Savior is just waiting around the bend for you to let him back in the driver's seat!
Tashena

Jesusfan4ever · Jan 31, 2005

God hears all of your cries my friend & He knows all of your hurts. He loves you just the way you are. Read Psalms 139. That tells you how special you are to Him. He has a plan & a purpose for your life (Jeremiah 29:11) May the Lord bless you as you seek His face

2LivIsChrist · Feb 1, 2005

You know what i believe that this is a trial that he is putting you through, to make you stronger. You may not see it now, yet when you get through it you will see why you went through your trials. God will break you on his timing, and he will use you for great things. I was in a similar situation last yr, and the yrs before that. I kept praying and praying, and i thought God would never answer my prayers. Yet he had a plan through those trials, although i did not see it. Last yr he broke me and made me new again, and is using those trials for his glory. I have a feeling that is what he is doing with you. Many people in the bible went through similar trials, and then God used those trials to make them stronger. Keep seeking the lord, he will never let you go. He is faitfull! God Bless! And you are in my prayers!

2LivIsChrist · Feb 1, 2005

Tashena said:
Ok first off let me start by saying that when you first become saved, for some it is a time of extreme emotion and happiness, while others are more quaint about it. It is the same in the Lord's eyes. I firmly believe that EVERY christian has their highs and lows. There are days that I feel the Lord's prescence with me and there are many, many days where I can't seem to feel him at all. I know exactly where you are coming from. The point I'm trying to get at is the fact that what you are feeling is absoutly normal! You always have to remember that our Father is not the one who does the pulling away. We are the ones who pull our selves out of his prescence and he is always there waiting for us to come back and confess that we need him at our side! Take comfort friend, our Savior is just waiting around the bend for you to let him back in the driver's seat!
Tashena

amen!

Bain_Adaneth · Mar 16, 2005

Prongs Rini,
You are so strong...I admire your courage through these difficult times....I'm glad that your faith is rebuilding. Remember that we don't have to feel emotions to be walking with God. Sometimes we do have them, but we don't have to. I know that it feels kinda dead not to have emotions that usually is associated with worshiping. But you can worship God with a quiet humble heart. A lot of Christians fall out of faith because when they become a Christian, they experience this splash of joy, or happiness, and then this emotion slows and eventually stops for them. Then they don't "feel" like they have faith anymore. That's why it is very important to believe in God because you "believe," not because you felt something emotional. Keep on building your strength in the Lord. Keep on walking that straight path with the Lord, and he will lead you if you let Him. Don't ever give up. When ever I feel myself drifting I'll push myself up. When ever my mind tells me that I'm tired and don't want to go to bible study, I'll make myself go. I'll fight it. And after that, I'm really glad I went, and that I've pushed through another barrier that keeps me from strengthing my walk with God. You also must read the Bible to know about God. That's where I found how to understand God most, by reading His Word. I hope this helps, keep up the good work sister! Pm me if you'd like and God bless!...

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