"No such thing" as a dumb question?

[LovebirdsFlying]

When I was in fifth grade, my teacher told the class that contrary to conventional wisdom, there IS such a thing as a dumb question. It's one that has just been answered, but you weren't listening because you were goofing off. His own example: An announcement is made, "Class, we won't be going outside today, because...." Five minutes later, some kid wants to know, "Aren't we going outside?" Dumb question, says my teacher, and I think I agree with him.

Now, what troubles me is, I'm starting to notice this happening with my husband. I will give him information, and he'll acknowledge it with a "thank you," but the next day, or maybe even later the same day, he'll ask me a question that indicates no knowledge whatsoever of that information. Today, for example, I cleaned up after supper and came into the office to tell him the dishwasher was running. First of all, we don't need to run it every day, and if we don't communicate to each other when it's being run, dirty dishes might get loaded in with clean ones that haven't been put away yet. Second, since I have physical issues, sometimes he's the one who has to empty it. For both reasons, I always make a point of letting him know when I've started it.

He said "thank you" to acknowledge that he heard me. Then less than a half hour later, he came into the living room and asked if the dishwasher needed to be run. I had to repeat that it was being run, and would soon need to be emptied. Again the "thank you."

Yes, it's a very quiet machine. He can be excused for not hearing it running, all the way from the living room. It bothers me more that I told him I had started it, and so soon afterward, he seemed to have forgotten I told him. He's only 51, so I doubt his mind is slipping yet. But I have noticed things like this, more and more often. It feels like nagging if I answer something like, "I just got done telling you that," or "Don't you remember?" So I don't. I merely repeat the information. Sometimes the light bulb will light up by itself, and he'll say, "Oh, that's right. You did tell me." Sometimes it doesn't, and he acts like he's hearing that information for the first time. This is beginning to bug me, mainly because it worries me.

Heavier discussion, what would you do in the situation of telling your spouse something, and then having them seem not to know you told them a short time later?

Lighter discussion, what is your definition of a dumb question?

 

[akmom]

I think this happens in all marriages. You hear someone talk, and you acknowledge what they said, but because your mind was busy on another task, the information doesn't get stored properly. In a classroom setting, there is a reasonable expectation to be heard. Students' minds are supposed to be on you, not busy with some other task. But obviously that is not always the case! In that case, one may ask a "stupid question" because they were doing something - well, "stupid" - by thinking about other things instead of listening to the instructor.

The same can't necessarily be said about busy adults. There's nothing "stupid" about being mentally engaged in something else when your spouse makes a random announcement. Now, if you had pulled him away from his task, or set aside a special time to talk, and he didn't remember this conversation, that would be a reason to worry. As it is, it sounds like he just isn't efficient at multi-tasking with his brain. And most people aren't, or at least not as much as they think they are!

Have you thought of leaving notes on the washer? Personally, I just examine the dishes! There are too many people in the household to interview!

 

[Tzav]

This happens to us, too, and I have tried to get to the bottom of why. One time, he said something about me "rattling on," and I thought, "That's it! I talk too much, so he isn't listening!" But I know I am a terrible communicator and am too quiet, hesitant to say things, often thinking that some things don't need to be said! But that's MY perception, so I asked him, "Do I talk a lot?" He said no. Was he trying to please me, or did he mean this? That question is valid.

So the problem continues. I can tell him things I think are important, and five minutes later, he has no idea. This started some time back. He looks like he hears me, but he doesn't sometimes. Perhaps I need to narrow it down to when this started, but we have been working on this for years now.

If something is real important, I now start the conversation with, "I really need you to hear me. . . ." That usually helps. If I don't say that, I just accept that he will need to be told again.

He does have a very stressful job, and stress often comes home. However, he appears very laid back! I usually cannot tell when he is stressed unless he tells me.

With regard to the dishwasher, we put a little sign on it. Turned one way, the sign says "Clean," turned the other way, it says "Dirty.' We also have a rule that whomever puts the first dirty dish in it also puts the dish powder in, in a very conspicuous way. That way, neither of us have an excuse. No words needed.

 

[.chrys.]

My husband of 23 years does the same thing. It's often because he is preoccupied with other tasks. I find that leaving notes helps--I leave them for my children too--when I have something that I definitely want to be heard.

51 is not too young to be losing one's mind, however. My father died of complications from early on-set Alzheimer's disease. He started showing signs when he was 50, and died at 56.

 

[ValleyGal]

When I am working, sometimes my son comes in and starts talking. If I'm not in the middle of something, I chat with him, but if I'm concentrating, I sort of half-listen, nod in agreement or to make him think I'm listening, then later it usually comes back to haunt me - then I realize I've agreed to things I really don't want to do, like go to the store for him or make noodles (ugh, again!?) for dinner.

I have learned that his attempts to talk are what Gottman refers to as "bids for connection" in marriage. But the principle can be applied to other relationships as well. If someone makes a bid for connection, and you do not respond by connecting, that person will eventually start to feel unimportant, and could even start turning away rather than toward you.

I do think there are stupid questions - simple common sense type questions that are asked by very intelligent people who should know the answers based on previous information or experience. If my 20 year old son asks me for a million dollars, that's a stupid question because he knows I do not have a million dollars tucked into my back pocket or my bank.

If my son or my spouse do not seem to really hear me, it's no big deal if I have to repeat - because I know I do this to them too. But then it also might depend on how important the issue is. The dishwasher...oh well, no harm done. I really try to not sweat the small stuff - and most things are small stuff. It's only big when harm will come of it or a huge expense that we do not have.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I appreciate everyone's input. I do know that giving someone information, only to have them ask for that same information later as if they weren't already told, is not necessarily a sign that "you weren't listening to me!" There could be other explanations. My question is, if he acknowledges me with a "thank you," how do I know whether or not he actually did hear me? Because if he asks later and I respond with, "I told you, but you didn't hear me," that sounds like nagging, but if he acknowledges me at the time, and I ask him to give me some sign that he actually received the message: "OK, then, what did I just say? Repeat it back to me," that sounds like nagging too.

Chrys, sorry about your father. That's troubling.

Springboard discussion, opening the thread up for "What is nagging?" Because I also am squeamish about reminding my husband later about something he said he's going to do and appears to have forgotten, although he himself tells me it's perfectly OK to remind him, and he won't feel nagged.

 

[Tzav]

I appreciate everyone's input. I do know that giving someone information, only to have them ask for that same information later as if they weren't already told, is not necessarily a sign that "you weren't listening to me!" There could be other explanations. My question is, if he acknowledges me with a "thank you," how do I know whether or not he actually did hear me? Because if he asks later and I respond with, "I told you, but you didn't hear me," that sounds like nagging, but if he acknowledges me at the time, and I ask him to give me some sign that he actually received the message: "OK, then, what did I just say? Repeat it back to me," that sounds like nagging too.

Same thing here. It's frustrating. And I hate nagging, too. Refused to do that with my children as well.

 

[akmom]

If he says it's not nagging, it's not nagging. Don't let it gnaw at you!

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I did quote to him the internet joke that says, "Ladies, if a man says he's going to do something, he's going to do it. There is no need to remind him of it every six months or so."

He and nephew both thought it was funny.

 

[seeingeyes]

Carry a notepad with you, and only answer him in writing. Make him sign it to acknowledge.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Carry a notepad with you, and only answer him in writing. Make him sign it to acknowledge.

 

[DZoolander]

When I was in fifth grade, my teacher told the class that contrary to conventional wisdom, there IS such a thing as a dumb question. It's one that has just been answered, but you weren't listening because you were goofing off. His own example: An announcement is made, "Class, we won't be going outside today, because...." Five minutes later, some kid wants to know, "Aren't we going outside?" Dumb question, says my teacher, and I think I agree with him.

Now, what troubles me is, I'm starting to notice this happening with my husband. I will give him information, and he'll acknowledge it with a "thank you," but the next day, or maybe even later the same day, he'll ask me a question that indicates no knowledge whatsoever of that information. Today, for example, I cleaned up after supper and came into the office to tell him the dishwasher was running. First of all, we don't need to run it every day, and if we don't communicate to each other when it's being run, dirty dishes might get loaded in with clean ones that haven't been put away yet. Second, since I have physical issues, sometimes he's the one who has to empty it. For both reasons, I always make a point of letting him know when I've started it.

He said "thank you" to acknowledge that he heard me. Then less than a half hour later, he came into the living room and asked if the dishwasher needed to be run. I had to repeat that it was being run, and would soon need to be emptied. Again the "thank you."

Yes, it's a very quiet machine. He can be excused for not hearing it running, all the way from the living room. It bothers me more that I told him I had started it, and so soon afterward, he seemed to have forgotten I told him. He's only 51, so I doubt his mind is slipping yet. But I have noticed things like this, more and more often. It feels like nagging if I answer something like, "I just got done telling you that," or "Don't you remember?" So I don't. I merely repeat the information. Sometimes the light bulb will light up by itself, and he'll say, "Oh, that's right. You did tell me." Sometimes it doesn't, and he acts like he's hearing that information for the first time. This is beginning to bug me, mainly because it worries me.

Heavier discussion, what would you do in the situation of telling your spouse something, and then having them seem not to know you told them a short time later?

Lighter discussion, what is your definition of a dumb question?

Well, to be honest, my wife complains about the same types of things...

...and to be even more honest...I'm not paying attention. It's not that I'm forgetful...it's that when people say stuff to me - I immediately categorize it ranging from "important/to be remembered" - down to "insignificant, just acknowledge that a noise has been made for courtesy's sake".

Being told the dishwasher is running, unless I happen to be thinking about doing dishes at the moment, would probably get filed into the "just acknowledge something has been said to be polite" grouping.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Well, to be honest, my wife complains about the same types of things...

...and to be even more honest...I'm not paying attention. It's not that I'm forgetful...it's that when people say stuff to me - I immediately categorize it ranging from "important/to be remembered" - down to "insignificant, just acknowledge that a noise has been made for courtesy's sake".

Being told the dishwasher is running, unless I happen to be thinking about doing dishes at the moment, would probably get filed into the "just acknowledge something has been said to be polite" grouping.

And I can't complain about that because I do the same thing. My husband has a smooth, gentle, soothing voice, and sometimes when he's telling me about his day, it just relaxes me and I tend to zone out. If he's telling me a "stupid passenger of the day" story, though, I might be able to listen better, because a lot of those are funny.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

In my case I am forgetful so I usually honestly don't remember what was said to me. But overall I think this is a common marriage problem. Often we say things not really looking at what the other person is doing. SO we assume they hear us and get frusterated later when they don't remember.

It is good to ask them right after you say it "What did I just say?". It may sound like nagging but better to be safe then sorry. Its how accidents happen like if a wife goes to get something outside and tells her husband "Watch Johnny for a minute, I left him in the tub!". And the outcome is not good.

We also have that clean/unclean sign on the dishwasher. Granted we don't always notice it lol. I also when involved in something like a game, movie...etc that requires your brain to be working overtime, I may not realize what was said to me. As for whats a dumb question... perhaps the one most know such as waking someone up to see if they are asleep.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

^^Great post! Love the dumb question part.

 

[akmom]

Yep, waking someone to see if they're sleeping ranks pretty high among dumb questions.

 

[Avniel]

I get the same complaints I think it's because of how my mind processes details. In college it was a lot of dates, times and situations you learn to minimize and maximize details. Those big details that get logged differently in my mind and I don't know how to turn it off. Even when I hear conversations I would rather hear the end result, then the facts surrounding it then maybe the minor details.

 

[Tzav]

. . .

(That child. That child! Every time I see that child, I have to stop and just look. What a little dolly!)