no relationship with husband

[Lorie]

I really need some help!

My husband and i don not have any kind of relationship. we are able to take care of our kids and house etc. I have never been able to talk to my husband. He does not interest me. He is a good father and doesnt do anything to make me feel this way there is just nothing there for me. I am always hoping for a man to come sweep me off my feet and i am able to love him. my husband and i dont laugh together, we dont talk about anything but the day to day life things, i dont want to be alone with him, we dont kiss. i say all this stuff we dont do and the funny part is that i really could care less. i dont want to do any of the things i have listed with him. I am always ready to cry. I feel that life is over for me in the love department and i will never have a relationship i will be in love. Do you think this is what God wants for me? Nothingness?

 

[selune]

What made you want to marry him then? Why are you here in this relationship? Have you always felt this way?

 

[Lorie]

I was 19 when we got married, and i have always felt this way

 

[selune]

So why did you marry him then if you felt nothing towards him? Have you gone to the doctor and had a check up for depression?

 

[bliz]

I suggest that you have a conversation with a doctor and ask about the ppossibility of depression. People who are depressed often feel numb. They go through all the motions, but but there often are no emotions there. That could be a large part of what is going on.

 

[Lorie]

Been there done that. I am depressed because the way i feel about my relationship with my husband not the other way around.

I got married because I was 19 and didnt have any other plans.

 

[EmSchmem]

Love isn't something you feel. So you've never felt it, it doesn't mean you can never cultivate it. You can go out of your way to turn the relationship around. Don't make this God's fault. Sorry to be harsh and I am sure you were hoping to hear something else, but GOD didn't make you marry a man you had no romantic feelings for. GOD didn't do this to you. YOU made this choice. And it sounds like you made it out of a lack of anything better to do.
You were young yes, but you made a committment nonetheless. We are all held to the choices we make regardless of the age we make them. I suggest getting some good Christian counseling to learn how to love your husband and take the focus of off yourself and your self indulgent pity party. The first step is to get over yourself.

 

[bkg]

Been there done that. I am depressed because the way i feel about my relationship with my husband not the other way around.

I got married because I was 19 and didnt have any other plans.

Regardless of "why", you "are"... And that's the important thing!

I agree with the thoughts on depression. I've suffered from that for much of my life (runs in the family), and I can say this w/ 100% honesty: I do NOT believe that clinical depression is caused by a life circumstance, life event or bad decision. Now, situational depression does exist, that I'll admit.

This is something you can pray about, and I believe God can and will answer your prayer. One thing that I learned from my ex-wife is this: if you don't feel it, do it. After a while, you will start to feel it.

bkg

 

[jazzbird]

Hi Lorie. I'm sorry that you are having such a struggle with your marriage. I don't know that I have any good advice to offer you, but I'll at least throw a couple things out there.

From what you've said, it sounds like you have given up on your marriage, and you have given up on the idea that you could ever be happy and in love - or at least happy and in love in this marriage. The change in your marriage needs to start with a change in your thinking. You said that you "don't care." Things will never get better unless you start caring and you start fighting for your marriage. You've said that your husband is a good man. Even though you don't have much feeling for him, maybe it would help if you tried dwelling on the things you appreciate about him, rather than dwelling on your feelings of hopelessness. One thing that you cannot do is believe that you can find happiness with someone else. Don't allow yourself to fantasize about that - it will only lead to disaster for your family. I truly believe that you can find happiness with this man that you are married to. Have you been earnestly seeking God? Have you asked Him to change your heart? Our God is so full of grace - He can do that for you. Seek him in prayer and do not give up.

Have you read any marriage books? Maybe that would help you to refocus your thinking - just a thought. There are a lot of excellent one's out there about godly marriage.

I said a prayer for the healing of your marriage.

 

[rainbowprism]

I am depressed because the way i feel about my relationship with my husband not the other way around.

.

I don't think you're are being honest with yourself here. You married a man you had no feelings for and you are actually SUPRISED (!?) that you are unhappy. I don't think this marriage is the only thing dysfunctional in your life, and you need to really think about this. Something clearly isn't adding up here.

By the way, from the sound of it you never consulted or went to God concerning this marriage-you don't seem to have considered this marraige in prayer and looked for counsel. God certainly didn't plan for any of us to have unhappy, loveless lives....that little thing called free-will is what landed you in this place-don't blame Him for your mistake.

 

[Lorie]

Ok, so i am Clinically depressed, I blame God, and i married this guy so i better just suck it up and live with it!

I have asked GOd to change the way i feel but, so far the answer so for is NO!

 

[EmSchmem]

You asked God but what have you done!?!? Have you kissed your husband, initiated love making with your husband, does he even know how you feel? You don't get to sit back and let God do the work. That's a cop-out. Don't blame the clinical depression either. I have suffered from it since I was 12 years old. Take some responsibilty for your actions and don't expect anyone including God to take responsibility for you.
God's answer isn't no, yours is. Have you read any books done marital counseling? No you posted to strangers in hopes of hearing that it's OK that you don't love the man that you married.
I am sorry but manipulative words are going to move me to feel sorry for you. Take some action, get off your duff, and chill with the woe is me routine.

 

[bkg]

Lorie,

Just to be forthright:

*IF* you are looking for support in finding a way out of the marriage, I don't think you'll get it here.

*IF* you are looking for Godly, Christian advice and counsel, from people who really do care, then please decide to be open and listen to what is being said...

 

[Lorie]

If i could turn off my feelings i would! If i could just start kissing my husband and making love to him i would, but i will not do these things when i DO NOT feel that way about him. I refuse to fell one way and do another. I will not FAKE IT. I should not have to fake it. i should feel it but i dont. SO tell me Godly christian advisors how do i start to love my husband??? "you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink"

 

[rainbowprism]

If i could turn off my feelings i would! If i could just start kissing my husband and making love to him i would, but i will not do these things when i DO NOT feel that way about him. I refuse to fell one way and do another. I will not FAKE IT. I should not have to fake it. i should feel it but i dont. SO tell me Godly christian advisors how do i start to love my husband??? "you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink"

I don't think you honestly want help for this situation and I think that is what other posters are responding to as well.

 

[jazzbird]

If i could turn off my feelings i would! If i could just start kissing my husband and making love to him i would, but i will not do these things when i DO NOT feel that way about him. I refuse to fell one way and do another. I will not FAKE IT. I should not have to fake it. i should feel it but i dont. SO tell me Godly christian advisors how do i start to love my husband??? "you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink"

Sometimes we don't "feel like it," but if we go ahead and do it, the feelings will come with time. Love starts with action, not feeling.

 

[nuarc]

If i could turn off my feelings i would! If i could just start kissing my husband and making love to him i would, but i will not do these things when i DO NOT feel that way about him. I refuse to fell one way and do another. I will not FAKE IT. I should not have to fake it. i should feel it but i dont. SO tell me Godly christian advisors how do i start to love my husband??? "you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink"

I dont think you WANT to do anything about the situation.

This is what I don't understand. Why did you marry him? "I didn't have anything better to do" is not a reason. It doesn't seem that anyone held a gun to your head- unless you aren't telling the whole story. Why did you have kids? Did you think they would help the situation? What about their futures? Do you think they can't sense how you feel?
I guess I just don't understand why you would marry someone you had no romantic feelings towards to begin with.

 

[Lorie]

do you really think that love start with action?

 

[strawberriez]

I don't think you honestly want help for this situation and I think that is what other posters are responding to as well.

I know that she asked for help, but maybe what she wants is just to have someone listen to her. I know that in a Christian forum, one isn't going to get support for finding a way out of a marriage, but sometimes a person just needs to vent and share their thoughts and know that someone is listening.

 

[pegatha]

Lorie, I know this is really hard for you, but divorce isn't the answer. Even if you find another man and marry him, you will only take your problems with you, and deeply hurt your children in the process.

You said you won't kiss or touch him till you feel like it. Doesn't he go to work every day to provide you & your kids with a home? Do you seriously believe there are never days when he just doesn't feel like going to work? But he does it anyway.

In the same way, you can treat him like you love him, trusting God to bring your feelings into line. I know you sort of tried this, it sounds like you just got discouraged way too soon and quit. Nothing good comes without effort. If you want to achieve this, or even if you're willing to ask God to make you willing to be willing to achieve it, I don't think He will let you down.

You really should see a good Christian counselor (and a physician, if there's a clinical medical component to your depression, which there may very well be!). This is a painful struggle for you, and it would help if you didn't have to go it alone.