no proposal after 10 years

Sketcher · Aug 26, 2013

NINA84 said:
Dear brothers and sisters,
next october it will be 10 years that my BF and I are together, we' ve been through a lot of issues together, my parents didn't want me to date him.
I'm 29 and he's 31, we both already earn our livings.
I bought an appartment on my own, and I refuse to move with him untill he proposes. He doesn't have a house here so he stays with me a few days and then goes back to his mother's (900 KM away) for a few months and so on.

I got saved one month ago, and getting married before having children is very important to me, he doesn't feel the same as he's unsaved, but I think he believes in Jesus, but does'nt trust religion.
When I got saved, I organised a party and he met my family for the first time.
My Dad got mad at him and asked me to chase him away from home, because he found him too passive and sticky...
what should I do with this relationship? I 've already prayed so much...

How on earth did you keep him and your family completely separate for 9 years, even though you got together at 19?

NINA84 · Aug 26, 2013

It was not complicated, any time I tried to mention his name my parents and sisters would get mad at me. So I was forced not to talk about him, as it would bring animosity.
During the 5 first years I was living at my parents', he had his appartment, we were attending the same university. So very easy to see each other. I was often invited in his family, too.
The 5 next year, we both moved to other universities, we were in a long distance relationship, and we saw each other on the week end.

NINA84 · Aug 26, 2013

TheyCallMeDavid said:
I would list all the personal and biblical things you have learned from the last 10 years with him..and dont repeat the drastic mistakes of violating Gods written instructions on how he wants you to live. I would concentrate on growing spritually putting God first in everything, and take alot of time off from getting into another relationship commitment cause you need time to heal and regroup . We all make mistakes and its vitally important to learn from them.

To be honest, he's been more caring and loving for most time. More than me.
Before I turned into a Christian, he's always been listening to me, he's always respected and loved my family (which is a miracle). He's been very patient, waiting for 10 years to meet my parents, he's showed me how to care for people and to say I love you to the loved ones, which I've never been able to do.
he always finds something nice to say, instead of bashing. He's very gentle.

Sketcher · Aug 26, 2013

NINA84 said:
It was not complicated, any time I tried to mention his name my parents and sisters would get mad at me. So I was forced not to talk about him, as it would bring animosity.
During the 5 first years I was living at my parents', he had his appartment, we were attending the same university. So very easy to see each other. I was often invited in his family, too.
The 5 next year, we both moved to other universities, we were in a long distance relationship, and we saw each other on the week end.

Why didn't they pry and find out who their daughter was seeing?

NINA84 · Aug 26, 2013

They didn't want to hear of him because of his colour.
They tried to introduce me to other guys but it was noway for me.
The most important thing was that I didn't get pregnant and I had success at university, so my mission was fulfilled, they didn't ask me anything.

Hetta · Aug 26, 2013

I would keep your silence with this man and do not weaken and call him again. All I see is ten years of empty promises, and if you keep on going back for more, he will not see any reason to propose to you. Also - if he did propose, can you trust him to actually go through with the wedding any time soon? I have a feeling he may keep you hanging for another 4-5 years, and in the meantime your most fertile years are passing you by, and you may not have a chance to have a family. Have you thought about that? Already you are 29 and risks only increase as you get older - risks of infertility, problems in pregnancy and birth, a higher chance of Trisomy 13. I don't mean to scare you, but these would be concerns for me if I was in your position, or if you were my daughter.

NINA84 · Aug 26, 2013

I'll do it. I wish I was strong enough.

Hetta · Aug 26, 2013

Nina, you are strong. If you were weak, you would have passively accepted this treatment. You aren't doing that.

!YourFriend! · Aug 29, 2013

I have dated someone for 12 years...i know...shame on me...But i believe everything happens for reason... and there was a reason for that to happened ( i will not go into detail here). My relationship was over because of two main factors 1. we did not express our feelings in conversations, because each one was afraid of it. 2. our relationship did not evolved...we were only boyfriends and girlfriends...there was no plans...and the few plans that we made we did not accomplished.

My advice: Have a honest conversation with him, or at least try. After all this years you should be able to do it. This is very important. Your should be able to make and accomplish plans together. I don´t mean to scare you, but when a man wants it, he goes and get it. If your bf does not want you, be sure there are plenty of guys that want it. Let me know how is that going... good luck my friend...

LinkH · Aug 30, 2013

K9_Trainer said:
For being together 10 years, living together part time, and having sex, it makes no sense for him to be so hesitant to get married...You were pretty much already living and behaving as a married couple.

It makes sense to some people. If there is premarital sex, and he doesn't have any convictions against it, he can enjoy the physical pleasures of marriage without having a commitment. A breakup doesn't split up the assets. If he has some kind of fear of marriage, he gets sex without having to overcome the fear. Lot's of people just 'shack up' for years and years, and even have kids, without the commitment of marriage.

It doesn't really make sense to me, especially if there are kids. I was talking to a guy at the customer service counter at Walmart. He said his girlfriend he lived with was having their second baby soon. I said why don't you just get married if you are living together and have kids. He said he was thinking about it, and asked if I thought he should do it. It makes no sense to me.

When you have Christian ethics about marriage, you don't engage in premarital sex, and so the man has a fire under him to decide to marry or not. If there is no premarital sex and he drags the relationship on for 10 years even though he is financially stable, maybe he has no sex drive.

To the OP, a Christian is not supposed to be unequally yoked with unbelievers. If your boyfriend believes in Jesus, he should make a real commitment. He should get baptized. Maybe there is some a good church that is non-traditional he could go to, maybe a house church or something like that, if he doesn't care much for religious organizations.

LinkH · Aug 30, 2013

After I met my wife, I soon started thinking seriously of marrying her. I was a Christian and we did not believe in pre-marital sex, so we probably had a different philosophy from this man. I remember when we decided we would identify ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend, I felt introducing her as my girlfriend wasn't enough. It didn't do us justice. I wanted her to be my wife, my family. I wanted us to really be related. I wanted to be able to say this was my wife. I wanted to marry her, make a commitment, and be with her for life. I did take a while to make the decision. I wanted to pray about it and know that it was God's will. I was also concerned that I didn't want to mess up her life if I wouldn't be a good match for her.

People are different and have different desires. If the desire to marry doesn't kick in after a while, that may tell you something about the man. It may be the result of his philosophy and belief system, too.

NINA84 · Aug 31, 2013

Thanx for your answer.
He's not the kind of man to plan things in advance like all of you devoted christian men. When we met, I was not saved and we both didnt care about marriage at all (his parents are divorced).
So I made him change his plans for the future, which is kind of hard for him, as he says I impose all the rules in our relationship (stop sex, no cohabitation, prayers for each other).
It might be too much for him. And the girl he fell in love with was not so devoted.

But waiting is getting really hard, as we both knew from the begining we wanted to build our lives together, and we have a very strong physical attraction. ..I'm afraid he changed is mind about us. He says he doesn't but he acts as if he did.

Sometimes when we look at youtube videos he says : we should do this dance or play this song for our wedding.
Which makes me even more expecting a proposal. And sometimes he tells me" I wonder if we have the same views, I wonder if we can raise children together (because of me being a new catholic)". All I know is that he believes in God, but he would rather be a protestant if he ever gets baptised. As being born from a divorced couple he's been roughly rejected by his catholic family as a child.

Sometimes I just want give up, i told him several times it was over, but something keeps me close to him. Even though we live far away ,and won't meet for several months.
I've been asked out by a few guys lately, I keep the distance between us, but these guys have been asking me out for more than a year and when I tell my BF about this, and that I'm frustrated about the situation, he gets mad thinking I want to make him jealous.
But I only tell him the truth, and i wish he 'd do the same if some girls were messing around him.
Thank God (or unfortunately) I'm absolutely not attracted by these guys. But it makes me think that if I go out I would hopefully meet nice christian men.

NINA84 · Aug 31, 2013

Anyway whatever happens I'm so thankful I met him, I trust the Lord and I will do whatever His will is.

dayhiker · Sep 3, 2013

I pray it works out for you NINA. I personally have no clue what God's will for your life is.

russianorth · May 9, 2014

What exactly is he affraid of? I know these days in the USA and western europe alot of men are deathly affraid of signing a legal contract with the state. Most family law courts are brutal to men and men are starting to catch on.

Perhaps you could do the rings and cerimony without the legal document?

I think as the years go on you will find more and more men not willing to sign on the dotted line because it can litterally ruin your life (alimony, outragious child support, loosing everything you worked for AND your woman is gone sleeping with some other guy). No thank you. If a woman wants out I dont want her taking half or more of my stuff and my future for who knows how long (usually decades).

Women have almost no skin in the marriage game these days and they know it which is why they push legal marriage HARD.

If your willing to get married without a govt document it may ease things considerably.

russianorth · May 9, 2014

CounselorForChrist said:
Seems like its time to move on. 10 years is a ridiculously long time to note have been proposed to. If you don't mind me asking have you both had premarital sex? Because if so theres the saying of why buy the cow when you can get the milk or free. Often its why men don't want to marry, because t requires commitment and the currently get what they want without commitment.

If you haven't had premarital sex then I am not sure why he is being the way he is. But then again some people just freak out at the idea of marriage. My ex-gf when I would ask about getting engaged, she would freak out.

Being you just got saved maybe its best to find someone who you can grow with as a christian in and through marriage. I'm not saying he won't become saved obviously. But 10 years is alot of wasted time to find out he doesn't want to marry. Your not old btw. I'm 31 and just got married last month. God plans happen when they happen.

Lastly going by your ages, your both at the prime of knowing what you want in life. So if by now he isn't set on marriage, he may never be. My uncle whos not a christian dated a woman for 8 years. After she asked about getting engaged he dumped her and found someone else that gave him the same benefits.

The problem is your not really buying the cow these days, she is free to leave at any time and take a significant portion of your assets and future assets with her. You have no legal ownership over your wife when you get married so your not really buying anything.

russianorth · May 9, 2014

Spunkn said:
I'm sorry you're having to go through this Nina, especially after 10 years....

But I'm afraid this guy doesn't want to get married. He wants the relationship benefits, without actually having the responsibility that should go along with it. He doesn't want the committment that should be a part of a relationship like this.

Honestly, it sounds like this relationship is dragging you down hard, and that's not a good thing to start a marriage off of. You should be looking forward to marriage, and joyful not "well I guess finally this is going to happen".

You've given him more time than a great many people would give him. 10 years is an exceptionally long time to date someone without going further.

It's time to end this relationship and move on

There are just too many bad signs & red flags about this relationship. It will not end well even if he does propose.

What exactly are those responsibilities? I would let her go, what does he benifit from signing a contract with the state? She can stand to win the lottery if he is a high income guy, all he can do is loose from signing that contract.

JojotheBeloved · May 15, 2014

Excuse me, russianorth. What you're saying seems to be that men have everything to lose and women have everything to gain in a divorce. That is simply not true. Both sides hurt tremendously in divorce, not just the men. Also, the kinds of situations you seem to be referencing would be caused by abusive treatment or neglectfulness on the part of the men involved. That's why they are court ordered to pay for their children's care, because they are a parent with equal legal responsibility even if they choose not to be an active part of their children's lives. Also, women work equally hard if not harder sometimes than men and it is just as scary for a woman to think that a man is going to take advantage of her hard work too. She should get half of what they have built together in life, because she has worked to earn it also. Besides, if you're wanting to marry someone in the first place you should know them well enough to be confident you can trust them. If you can't trust them, than don't marry them in the first place. I don't think anyone should be willing to settle for a ceremony without a legal bind. The whole point is to have a lasting commitment and for this woman, words don't mean squat without actions to back them up. So if you're not willing to take a risk to share your life and your assets and everything with me as your wife, and to be held accountable to that legally, than it's not a marriage and it's not a commitment worth anything.

tacdon · May 15, 2014

Why would you want to marry a non-believer? They don't think about life the same way as we do.

Leave him, God will get you someone who is a believer.

russianorth · May 15, 2014

JojotheBeloved said:
Excuse me, russianorth. What you're saying seems to be that men have everything to lose and women have everything to gain in a divorce. That is simply not true. Both sides hurt tremendously in divorce, not just the men. Also, the kinds of situations you seem to be referencing would be caused by abusive treatment or neglectfulness on the part of the men involved. That's why they are court ordered to pay for their children's care, because they are a parent with equal legal responsibility even if they choose not to be an active part of their children's lives. Also, women work equally hard if not harder sometimes than men and it is just as scary for a woman to think that a man is going to take advantage of her hard work too. She should get half of what they have built together in life, because she has worked to earn it also. Besides, if you're wanting to marry someone in the first place you should know them well enough to be confident you can trust them. If you can't trust them, than don't marry them in the first place. I don't think anyone should be willing to settle for a ceremony without a legal bind. The whole point is to have a lasting commitment and for this woman, words don't mean squat without actions to back them up. So if you're not willing to take a risk to share your life and your assets and everything with me as your wife, and to be held accountable to that legally, than it's not a marriage and it's not a commitment worth anything.

Then you simply would not be the woman for me. I also don't want kids because the courts impose so much on the man and the women are largely not held accountable. If the woman wanted help raising the kid then she should stay with the man (unless genuine abuse can be proven in a court of law). Why should a man have to pay out for a relationship he no longer derives any benefit from unless he willingly left it without a good cause (good causing being sexual neglect) or if he was genuinely abusing his spouse.

I think a prenuptual agreement could be good and then don't have any kids. That is the ideal for me.

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