No More Mr Nice Guy

[lwg8tr]

A must read for all men on here. The basic premise is not what you think. Nice Guys(NG) by Dr. Glover’s explanation are passive\aggressive, selfish, givers with expectations of getting, chronic people pleasers and liars to prevent people from seeing them as they truly are. I read it and it was a biography of my life. The book was life changing for me. I hear a lot of NG behavior here on this forum. Wimpy, passive\aggressive, worrying and weak. Not what God intended in a man. People in God’s eyes are made and conceived to be single, that oneness makes us whole and makes us love him completely. Relationships and marriages are important, but should never reflect on how we are as a person or a Christian EVER. It’s a perspective but a biblical and a healthy one. Some of the threads I read reek of people pedestaling their spouses , making them their God, making every whim, action and utterance of the spouse a cause for pain and anxiety.

Until you can reach a healthy emotional state that God is number 1 and you could and would survive without your spouse you will never reach any kind of happy equilibrium. A side effect for men who can work through their NG issues and become an “integrated” man is a happier and more fulfilling life. An integrated man with passions and hobbies outside of marriage, have male safe friends for bonding and confiding in, taking good care of body and spirit, setting boundaries in your marriage despite how your wife thinks of it, getting over procrastination and fear of success and realizing that being a pleaser and BSer is no way to live. Men want to get your marriage back on track, realize you own some of the marital issues but not all, that her reactions to your behaviors are out of deterioration of respect. Women do not feel safe in a marriage with a NG, they do not respect a NG ,and without safety and respect well your marriage is doomed. So I advise any of you read the book, do the exercises and set yourself free, and watch your wife once again respect, admire and well want to be married to you. I did and well wife I think is coming around, she sees changes in me when I come over to see the kids. Will we reconcile, who knows I leave that up to God, but either way I will be just fine. My wife or ex-wife if that is to be has zero bearing on me as a human being. Have that attitude, and you stand a much better chance of getting your wife back. If not guys well she will get her emotional needs for safety and feeling respect from another guy eventually and then you got a real mess.

 

[johnalv]

I agree that with you that we have to take the role as the leader in the family. Seek first the kingdom of God and all else will be added to you. Our wifes are our helpers by our sides and given to us by God. I prayed for her before I met her, and I had met here before marriage without realizing it. I love my wife of 19 years marriage and 5 children. Men, the devil is out to steal our joy and love for God and our spouses. Some of these post are sad and I even feel the hurts. We have gone through some attacks and as a leader you must instill His word into the hearts of your wife and children and in your hearts too. The enemy will come at you thru your wife and then your children. You must keep humble, but as a man, the instinct of protecting your wife and family does activate as it happened to me. For those of you early in marriage, put aside all your activities that take you away from the house and her. You must spend time at home to build up the homefront. We have had our ups and downs, but if WE are weak in Christ, we are going to have heartaches. You see, the enemy knows that if a husband and wife get together in Christ and agree with his word, they are powerful. Like the scriputres says "Where two or more are gathered in His name, He is in the midst of them", and guess what,? That honors God. Thats why the enemy is working on breaking up marriages. So stop the bar with friends, going over to hang out, mind your buisness at work and daily seek God. It isn't easy being a christian. All feel the pressure, because the end is near. Don't get married for all the wrong reasons, do it for the right reasons. I advise my sons to look for someone that is involved with Christ and follows His commandments and will tell my daughter to look for a spouse that also follows Christ, and not just someone that says, yeah, I believe in God. The demons do also. But men, you must get on your knees and repent, you must hate what has happened and all you do against God. Ask His Holy Spirit to come unto you. I thought I was doing fine, until a few years ago, my wife told me to spend more time at home and go more to church with them, a year prior to that , God had already started working on me. I was trying to save people through my music, well that didn't work out, it did get my bandmembers saved in the long run but I soon realize that my family was where I should be at. So I headed in that direction. Once I made up my mind and heart that is where I should go, boom, the enemy made me loose my job after 10 years,( but God knew what was going to happen and had my wife become a teacher), mind you, we worked great together at raising the family and loving each other. It just I thought by being passive on some things was like not being a dictator to her and kids, my error. Well, then the Holy Spirit started working on me like never before, I became more patient, more hanging around the house, taking leadership more than ever, and it was a struggle for a bit, because my wife told me that they were seeing a new me and they were trying to get used to it. And God spoke to her heart and my kids as well. She had lost a little faith a bit back, but regained it after she told me God answered her prayer quickly. But on my part, it was like I had faith but was on, if it was a scale of 1-10, I must have had a 7, and then shot up to a 10. I gave up secular music, playing for the church and Him now. Have given all to Him. Then God reavealed to me in dreams the battle going on. I had to fight a spiritual battle, and it is no fun. I got on my knees, I cried, my heart was broken, my spirit felt ripped, the enemy was furious. We had taken a lot of teens to church in our area and they have been saved to Christ, so I believe that we are put here to be a service to God. Boom, then finally, like He sent His Holy Spirit of truth into my life to defeat the enemy. You have to take action and meet God halfway, and you will see. I don't want my marriage to suffer or my family. Sometimes you have to take a step in faith and deal with it face to face, but when you get sick and tired of the world and hate it, ahhhh, thats when you see the difference that God talks about. Then your heart if ready for Him. I am blessed my wife has a servants heart and she responds to Him. You must believe that He is and don't listen to the enemy, the thoughts he can put in your mind seem real but are not. And if they were, God will show you the truth and evidence. If things are not going well , then something is wrong with how one worships and believes in Him.

 

[Puffinstuff]

I understand this concept.Its not about not being nice.Its about being emotionally secure and confidant (not arrogant but self respecting) but treating your wife with kindness and care.Rather than being emotionally clingy and needy and dependent on her to for your confidence and self assurance so you are pining after her to get what you don't have.More like how a child depends on its parents to develop their core or foundational self worth and value.This causes a woman to feel unsafe and insecure around him like if he needs her for that how could he ever love her if he cant even love himself?Its very unatractive most women don't want to be a mans mommy.

And this goes both ways.A man isn't going to be attracted to or respect a woman who is emotionally weak and clings to him for the strength.

That being said a spouse should be supportive and reinforcing source of our already healthy self esteem and self respect/ feelings of value not a source of tearing it down.But we shouldn't 'live for our spouses approval to feel any sense of importance in this life.

 

[LinkH]

Is it a Christian book, btw?

 

[go72]

Thanks lwg8tr for the suggestion, this sounds exactly like what I need. My marriage is teetering on collapse and my wife has not much desire and respect for me anymore - and your post is similar to something my friend mentioned to me recently... because I have not shown leadership in my marriage and just been a "nice guy", we are now having all these problems after 20 years. I had already decided that I needed to change and show more leadership etc, but wasn't sure how

I have just bought the book and am looking forward to getting started.