Okay, I will try to be more specific about my situation. Sorry in advance for it being so long.
Our marriage has never been great, I probably shouldn't have married him. He gave me an ultimatum and I got anxious about being alone and said yes. There were signs when we dated, if we would start to talk about something he didn't want to discuss he would just walk away and leave. When I told him about things that made me feel bad, he wouldn't stop doing them. For example, flirting or looking at other women in front of me. I was going to church, but obviously I wasn't walking with God the way I should have been or I would have thought more about my decision and trusted that if I didn't marry him I would be okay and God would lead me where I needed to be in my life.
As far as abuse, cursing at me, pushed me down once, saying things like shouting "You are the worst ____ (f word) in the world", in front of my son. Telling me "We all" (meaning he and my sons) feel it is your fault these things are happening. Things like arguments because I asked about something more than once or needed clarification.
Emotional abandonment meaning we don't talk about feelings, we really only talk about what is going on in our kids lives (they are 18 and 21) or about what we need to do to the house or finances. When I have tried to talk about our relationship he gets angry and usually walks away or says "whatever". . . He will avoid confrontation at ALL costs.
Also, when I don't feel well or am recovering from surgery he makes me feel like it is an imposition on him. I went to the ER about 1 and a 1/2 years ago he let me go alone, then wasn't answering the phone when I called for a ride home due to them having to give me pain meds (he had fallen asleep, which really made me feel he didn't care), I had to take a taxi home.
I have stayed until now because aside from our issues he really has been supportive to our two sons. Very involved in their sporting activities and enjoying them. Although I will say he has gone over the edge with each of them at least once, putting his hand around their throat and telling them not to walk away from him.... funny because he walks away.
I would go to secular counseling as soon as we can afford it. Right now we are having to pay for Physical Therapy for my 18 year old due to a sports injury. I say I would go but honestly, I have opened my self up to trusting him so many times and then he will do something that closes me off to being vulnerable again. I don't trust him with my heart.
He would say that I don't talk to him, that I nag at him. How can asking a question about feelings be nagging...I don't understand this. He has said we are at a point in our relationship that we tolerate each other. So in his eyes we put up with being around each other, rather than care. We stopped saying "I love you about 12 years ago". . . He would also say that I caused him unhappiness by relocating us closer to my elderly mom and my sister. He was very unhappy about relocating and having to go backwards on the career ladder. He held a grudge for 10 years. Mind you, I had been apologizing for moving for 10 years. I had planned every vacation around things he liked to do. I encouraged him to buy a motorcycle, go hang out with friends.... anything I could think of but he still was angry with me.
Only after I went into the mental hospital for depression did he finally let it go. The depression came on after my oldest moved out and I started having anxiety about coming home to him. Anxiety about our lack of a relationship, anxiety over feeling this would be how my life would be forever (stuck in an unloving marriage)... I could go on but I hope this gives you a bigger picture.
