Newlywed help on intimacy and what is normal

Bobinator · May 29, 2016

DaveW-Ohev said:
IMO he is being selfish - which I define as someone getting their benefits at someone else's expense. (whether the person paying gets benefits or not)

He needs to decide to be ok with never having sex again ever. If he truly loves you he can make that choice. I made it, and I had a really high drive.

That's a bunch of bunk. It's not about love. The Apostle Paul makes it very clear that spouses ought not to defraud one another. The woman needs prayer and inner healing.

LinkH · May 29, 2016

I agree with the last post. I normally like DaveW-Ohev's posts, but that bit of advice was really bad, IMO. If a man insists he has a sex life with his wife, that doesn't mean he doesn't love her. He may want her to do right. But I do think this husband needs to be way more sensitive. He may not know that, though, if his wife hasn't explained the situation to him. Men aren't mind-readers.

LinkH · May 29, 2016

DaveW-Ohev said:
No temptation for her. At all.

IMO, temptation does not equal sex drive. There could be a situation where a wife doesn't want to sleep with her husband, but the lack of intimacy that is supposed to come through sexual contact isn't there, and opens her up to an 'emotional affair' that could lead to a physical affair, even if she doesn't have a normal sex drive.

I'm not saying that is your wife. I'm just saying it is a theoretical possibility in such a marriage.

I also believe having a sex life is normal and healthy for a marriage. If you look at that section about being satisfied by your wife, are you obeying that command? If you have to urge your wife to get some help or work through some issues to obey that, isn't that appropriate to do?

98cwitr · May 29, 2016

If you're not talking to your husband out of fear of making him mad then we've got a serious wall up...one which must come down. Without honest and open communication, he will never know who you really are. Please talk to him. As your husband, there is no other on earth that you should be able to share everything with, including your deepest darkest faults. If you love him, you have to give him everything you have...and that includes your flaws.

RDKirk · May 29, 2016

DaveW-Ohev said:
I do not know if Fae is ok with not having sex; but if she IS, then to force her to go thru some kind of therapy just so he can get his jollies to me is the epitome of selfishness on his part: His satisfaction at her expense.

That is my male perspective on the issue.

My male perspective is that wounds need healing, not ignoring.

I was wounded by my first wife. My second wife could have just "womaned up" and accepted the fact that I would not be as open with her, or as long suffering as I was with my first wife, and lived a life missing what the Lord promises to a married woman.

Or she could move me to get healed...which she did.

RDKirk · May 29, 2016

LinkH said:
DaveW-Oveh, Joshua said, "as for me and my house, I will serve the Lord." I used to think that if my wife did something I believed was wrong, that it was all on her. (I'm not talking about bank robbery, but those little things that need addressing). But now I realize that that the husband is supposed to address areas like that in his wife's life. To be fair, if my wife believes I'm not doing right, she'll tell me, too.

The Bible says this,
Eph. 5:26, "to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word," (NIV)

If you think your wife is sinning, you have an obligation to confront her.

In order to bring about oneness, not to achieve justice.

Jesus said, "If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you." This is not a suggestion, this is a command. And the goal is: "If they listen to you, you have won them over."

The goal is not justice, the goal is oneness. And the reason this is a command, not a suggestion, is so that In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

Dave-W · May 30, 2016

LinkH said:
I agree with the last post. I normally like DaveW-Ohev's posts, but that bit of advice was really bad, IMO. If a man insists he has a sex life with his wife, that doesn't mean he doesn't love her. He may want her to do right. But I do think this husband needs to be way more sensitive. He may not know that, though, if his wife hasn't explained the situation to him. Men aren't mind-readers.

I appeal to 1 Cor 6.7-8. I realize that it is specifically dealing with secular courts and law suits, but I believe the underlying principle stands beyond that.

mkgal1 · May 30, 2016

Dave shouldn't really have to be defending his stance anyway (not in the way it's turned into).....this thread isn't about him.

LinkH · May 30, 2016

DaveW-Ohev said:
I appeal to 1 Cor 6.7-8. I realize that it is specifically dealing with secular courts and law suits, but I believe the underlying principle stands beyond that.

It is better to be defrauded than to take a brother before an unbelieving judge for judgment. But believers are supposed to find someone wise among themselves to judge among themselves. Allowing defrauding to go on without doing your part to confront and correct it is not a good thing, especially if it is going on under your own sphere of influence and within the realm of what has been entrusted to you to steward.

If you are cool with no sex, that's up to you, if both of you are really okay with it, then you could say no one is defrauding anyone. I'm not sure that is healthy for a marriage. But I think you cross a line implying to a poster that if her husband is not cool with a sexless marriage that he doesn't love her.

Bobinator · Jun 1, 2016

The original poster (OP) has admitted to having sexual hang-ups stemming from a past incidences of sexual assault. Based on her post, I saw nothing fundamentally wrong with her husband. She needs to repent, which isn’t to say she’s responsible for her psychological injuries, but that her state of being has been corrupted to where she is not able to be the wife God intended for her. According to Deuteronomy 22:25-26, we can become victims of sin even though we are not guilty of committing the act. Sin is also a concept of not being pure and holy before God.

Repenting is not just about feeling remorseful of what you’ve done, but also not being able to do right in fulfilling one’s duty to one another and to God. God can heal the mind as well as the body. This is the kind of God we serve. If your church can’t minister to you in this capacity, it is useless, and you should go find another church, because Jesus came to set the captives free.

Luke 4:18- “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised…”

If the OP continues to neglect her husband and does not seek healing in this area, then she will be sinning where her relationship with her husband is concerned. Further, if her husband later ends up ‘wandering off the preservation’ because of her continual refusal of his advances done within reason, then she will bear some responsibility in this matter.

These are hard sayings, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

In response to one of her inquires, though, sex 2-3x a week, or even more, is very normal, especially between young married couples.

LinkH · Jun 1, 2016

Bobinator, I agree that a young newly-wed male wanting to have sex with his wife all the time, and touch her frequently (in private) is a normal thing. But also if a man loves his wife and knows that jumping right to sexual touches triggers memories of abuse, then he'll be careful about it.

Dave-W · Jun 2, 2016

Bobinator said:
Repenting is not just about feeling remorseful of what you’ve done, but also not being able to do right in fulfilling one’s duty to one another and to God.

Feeling remorseful (metamelin) is not true biblical repentance (metanoin) at all. True biblical repentance requires both a change of mind/heart and a change of action. John the baptizer said "Bring forth fruits of repentance." Matt 3.8

Look up those 2 words in your Biblical Greek lexicon or concordance.

RedPonyDriver · Jun 2, 2016

Bobinator said:
I saw nothing fundamentally wrong with her husband.

So you see nothing wrong with him basically manhandling her like a piece of meat? Of pushing himself on her?

What is WRONG with you????

Paidiske · Jun 2, 2016

98cwitr said:
If you're not talking to your husband out of fear of making him mad then we've got a serious wall up...one which must come down. Without honest and open communication, he will never know who you really are. Please talk to him. As your husband, there is no other on earth that you should be able to share everything with, including your deepest darkest faults. If you love him, you have to give him everything you have...and that includes your flaws.

Please don't blame the OP. This is not a fault, let alone a "deepest darkest" one. People are saying that this woman needs to be healed as if that's a simple or straightforward or even guaranteed matter.

It isn't. Further healing in this area may take long years of patient therapy; or indeed therapy may be the wrong approach. It may take time and (personally costly) trial and error to find the right approach. In the meantime what the OP might need most is time to build resilience and personal resources, including the unstinting support of her husband, as she is suffering a physiological condition which has significant impacts on her physical and mental health (if you don't understand that, go do some reading on the physiology of PTSD). What is most important is that she be given the agency and the space to make those decisions for herself, without outside pressure, thus restoring some little bit of what was taken from her in being bent to another's will.

Seriously, folks, attempting to prescribe a course of action for a trauma survivor in this way is seldom helpful. It can compound the damage and be re-traumatising, making the process of healing longer and more complex. Please take care with the way you post, because the stakes for the OP are high.

98cwitr · Jun 6, 2016

Not blaming the OP at all. I just prescribe to "the only person you can control is yourself." Sure, we can point out his faults, but what good will it do but build her resentment toward him? She's asking for help, and I agree that dedicated therapy may be a very viable solution.

Dave-W · Jun 6, 2016

Bobinator said:
That's a bunch of bunk. It's not about love. The Apostle Paul makes it very clear that spouses ought not to defraud one another. The woman needs prayer and inner healing.

Whether she needs healing or not is HER choice, NOT his. He needs to man up and lover her unconditionally either way.

"Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church." That ended up killing him.

1 John 3:16 We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.

Memorize this verse. It is important.

Mudinyeri · Jun 6, 2016

DaveW-Ohev said:
The guy just needs to man up and deal with it.

No more than the OP just needs to "woman up" and deal with it.

Dave-W · Jun 6, 2016

Mudinyeri said:
No more than the OP just needs to "woman up" and deal with it.

Give me chapter and verse that says to wives they are to love their husbands as Christ loved the church (i.e. sacrificially). Until you can, that statement lacks any kind of scriptural validity.

I have been looking at this kind of issue for well over 3 decades. I have studied every scripture and talked to numerous pastors and counselors. I have read so many books I have forgotten the titles and authors of way more than half of them. I consider this a "no stone unturned" kind of deal; and what I say is the fruit of all that labor.

Mudinyeri · Jun 6, 2016

DaveW-Ohev said:
Give me chapter and verse that says to wives they are to love their husbands as Christ loved the church (i.e. sacrificially). Until you can, that statement lacks any kind of scriptural validity.

I have been looking at this kind of issue for well over 3 decades. I have studied every scripture and talked to numerous pastors and counselors. I have read so many books I have forgotten the titles and authors of way more than half of them. I consider this a "no stone unturned" kind of deal; and what I say is the fruit of all that labor.

Neither men's nor women's bodies are their own: 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Additionally, in 1 Corinthians 7, we read: "For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again ...."

I guess you could say that 38 years (I think that's how long you said you were married) was a "limited time."

All4Christ · Jun 6, 2016

DaveW-Ohev said:
Give me chapter and verse that says to wives they are to love their husbands as Christ loved the church (i.e. sacrificially). Until you can, that statement lacks any kind of scriptural validity.

I have been looking at this kind of issue for well over 3 decades. I have studied every scripture and talked to numerous pastors and counselors. I have read so many books I have forgotten the titles and authors of way more than half of them. I consider this a "no stone unturned" kind of deal; and what I say is the fruit of all that labor.

The scripture you quoted above implies that we are to lay down our lives for our brethren even if we aren't married. That seems to imply sacrificial love.

That said, you are right that the husband must love his wife as Christ loves the church, even if she doesn't follow the commandments she is given. It's not a "if your wife loves, obeys and respects you, love her as Christ loves the Church". It's a non-negotiable, independent command to the husbands. We women need to follow our part as well though to make the marriage work properly.

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