- May 4, 2021
- 2
- 0
- 37
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Female
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- In Relationship
There is so much to unpack here so I'll include the basics/essentials in the first paragraph and more details below it.
The basics: I feel like I am pulling more weight than my husband and that he does not do his fair share of the work around the house. He works from home 1 day a week, in office 4 days and my schedule is opposite so I have more time at home (however I single handedly run my business so I work more than he does). I am responsible for keeping the entire home clean - bathrooms, bedrooms, laundry, floors, etc plus I spend hours on Fridays getting the entire house cleaned and all chores done in preparation for sabbath. I also typically spend 3-5 hours meal prepping food for our dogs. He is responsible for taking out the trash, meal planning/ordering groceries, cooking our meals and doing the dishes. I almost never need his help with my tasks, however he will frequently ask me to help him with the dishes even when I've already spent hours during my work day cleaning. He will let dishes pile up for 2 days and just says it's because we're using a lot of them and he can't keep up. So I spent my lunch break emptying the dishwasher and reloading/starting it so that we could catch up. He got home from work and instead of unloading the dishwasher and reloading it, he chose to sit on the couch and relax, letting the dishes pile up yet again after dinner. I confronted him because this was becoming a pattern and was met with defensiveness - that he tries SO HARD and does SO MUCH and I'm wrong and should give him grace because he is "trying". I work way more than him and have more responsibilities yet I still get my tasks done because I assess what needs to be done and decide to use the free time I have to do them instead of sitting on the couch watching TV. I am getting sick and tired of him not taking initiative or responsibility, and acting like he does this incredible job when actually I have to end up taking over his responsibilities as if I'm his mother.
More info if you feel like reading:
Another example: One morning we were out of eggs so we couldn’t have a proper breakfast that morning (it's his chore to keep tabs on groceries and keep us stocked). That night he spent from 730-10pm doing his own thing on social media and his computer. Dishes were left in the dishwasher and sink, poop in the cat boxes (he scoops them). I had to run the dishwasher because he didn’t do it. And we didn’t get to have any time for intimacy. I went to bed alone. Then he got out of the shower and was being super loud and woke me up. I am able to juggle so much and keep up with it but he couldn't even think to go get more eggs when we ran out or to take care of the dishes before we went off and did his own thing for over 2 hours.
Another example: I worked a 50-60 hour work week, then we served almost all day for our church and then spent several hours with his parents for dinner. 7pm rolls around and the dogs have no food because I was so swamped with work during the week. So I had to spend that evening cooking despite complete exhaustion (I was also on my period and in a lot of pain and was so lethargic). At first he was like "do you mind if I go have some alone time while you do this" and I was like you're really going to leave me to do this alone and aren't even going to help me?! He realized his selfishness and ended up helping me but I have to ask or point out how he's being selfish. He has never once helped me with a chore UNPROMPTED, yet I frequently help with his without him asking. Sometimes he doesn't even acknowledge it or give me any thanks whatsoever.
When I brought up these things, it escalated into a huge argument about how he tries SO HARD and does SO MUCH for me and ALWAYS puts me first. He said that he wants to come home to a positive wife and that he feels more supported at work than by me. That I should just be nice to him and appreciate the work he puts in to cook for us. He said that the meal plan I made didn’t work out because he spent 1.5 hours prepping food that only lasted 2 days and that he was still going to end up having to cook for 8 hours total throughout the week. When I told him I spend that much time cleaning (probably more) he said "it doesn't look like it". It continues escalating to him saying that I'm fake, how I'm nice to everyone but then come home and am mean to him.
To be very honest, I feel like I'm dating a little boy, not a man. I always thought a man who leads would be a man who takes initiative, doesn't have to be told to do his chores, takes responsibility and owns up. Who does things even though he is tired because it's in the best interest of the family. That's clearly not who I married and I'm really worrying that I made a mistake because I doubt that I can ever change him. So I'm left feeling like I have to just take on all the responsibility and just do everything around the house to make sure it all gets done. This is breeding resentment and frustration. I am so depressed today I just keep crying. I don't know what to do because he isn't listen ing to my feelings, he is taking everything as an attack.
The basics: I feel like I am pulling more weight than my husband and that he does not do his fair share of the work around the house. He works from home 1 day a week, in office 4 days and my schedule is opposite so I have more time at home (however I single handedly run my business so I work more than he does). I am responsible for keeping the entire home clean - bathrooms, bedrooms, laundry, floors, etc plus I spend hours on Fridays getting the entire house cleaned and all chores done in preparation for sabbath. I also typically spend 3-5 hours meal prepping food for our dogs. He is responsible for taking out the trash, meal planning/ordering groceries, cooking our meals and doing the dishes. I almost never need his help with my tasks, however he will frequently ask me to help him with the dishes even when I've already spent hours during my work day cleaning. He will let dishes pile up for 2 days and just says it's because we're using a lot of them and he can't keep up. So I spent my lunch break emptying the dishwasher and reloading/starting it so that we could catch up. He got home from work and instead of unloading the dishwasher and reloading it, he chose to sit on the couch and relax, letting the dishes pile up yet again after dinner. I confronted him because this was becoming a pattern and was met with defensiveness - that he tries SO HARD and does SO MUCH and I'm wrong and should give him grace because he is "trying". I work way more than him and have more responsibilities yet I still get my tasks done because I assess what needs to be done and decide to use the free time I have to do them instead of sitting on the couch watching TV. I am getting sick and tired of him not taking initiative or responsibility, and acting like he does this incredible job when actually I have to end up taking over his responsibilities as if I'm his mother.
More info if you feel like reading:
Another example: One morning we were out of eggs so we couldn’t have a proper breakfast that morning (it's his chore to keep tabs on groceries and keep us stocked). That night he spent from 730-10pm doing his own thing on social media and his computer. Dishes were left in the dishwasher and sink, poop in the cat boxes (he scoops them). I had to run the dishwasher because he didn’t do it. And we didn’t get to have any time for intimacy. I went to bed alone. Then he got out of the shower and was being super loud and woke me up. I am able to juggle so much and keep up with it but he couldn't even think to go get more eggs when we ran out or to take care of the dishes before we went off and did his own thing for over 2 hours.
Another example: I worked a 50-60 hour work week, then we served almost all day for our church and then spent several hours with his parents for dinner. 7pm rolls around and the dogs have no food because I was so swamped with work during the week. So I had to spend that evening cooking despite complete exhaustion (I was also on my period and in a lot of pain and was so lethargic). At first he was like "do you mind if I go have some alone time while you do this" and I was like you're really going to leave me to do this alone and aren't even going to help me?! He realized his selfishness and ended up helping me but I have to ask or point out how he's being selfish. He has never once helped me with a chore UNPROMPTED, yet I frequently help with his without him asking. Sometimes he doesn't even acknowledge it or give me any thanks whatsoever.
When I brought up these things, it escalated into a huge argument about how he tries SO HARD and does SO MUCH for me and ALWAYS puts me first. He said that he wants to come home to a positive wife and that he feels more supported at work than by me. That I should just be nice to him and appreciate the work he puts in to cook for us. He said that the meal plan I made didn’t work out because he spent 1.5 hours prepping food that only lasted 2 days and that he was still going to end up having to cook for 8 hours total throughout the week. When I told him I spend that much time cleaning (probably more) he said "it doesn't look like it". It continues escalating to him saying that I'm fake, how I'm nice to everyone but then come home and am mean to him.
To be very honest, I feel like I'm dating a little boy, not a man. I always thought a man who leads would be a man who takes initiative, doesn't have to be told to do his chores, takes responsibility and owns up. Who does things even though he is tired because it's in the best interest of the family. That's clearly not who I married and I'm really worrying that I made a mistake because I doubt that I can ever change him. So I'm left feeling like I have to just take on all the responsibility and just do everything around the house to make sure it all gets done. This is breeding resentment and frustration. I am so depressed today I just keep crying. I don't know what to do because he isn't listen ing to my feelings, he is taking everything as an attack.
