Newly married seeking advice

[Mikon]

My husband and I got married last August. To be perfectly honest we were living in sin from the time we met to the time we married. He wanted to start going to church again around January. I agreed to go, he's my husband and the leader. Well when I refused to take communion because of my broken walk with God he got upset at what other people would think and got on my case about it. Which oddly prompted me to actually get back on track with God.

Now I'm trying to submit to God's will and through his grace and strength become a godly submissive wife. But it feels like my husband is doing everything to make that impossible. We fight all the time (daily- big loud fights), which are all my fault according to him, but we've been fighting a lot since before we got married. He's very critical, I haven't done anything right in months according to him, basically because I don't work as many hours as he does I'm not allowed to be tired, stressed, etc. or even have anything of value to contribute. Never mind that I've been covering all the bills and groceries with little to no help from him while he buys his toys. He is insensitive, doesn't listen and when it comes to sex it's like I could be anyone so long as he gets his cause he certainly doesn't give a hoot about me during. I was abused as a child so I have a lot of issues on that front. I don't trust my husband any more, and he has shown himself to be unreliable in anything involving me.

Honestly now that I look back there were so many red flags. Knowing what I know now if I could go back and do it over I would have gone about things very differently... I'm not sure if we would even have married. But I'm with him, I don't believe in divorce so I'm kind of stuck.

I know I have a long way to go with God. He has a lot of work to do with me before I could be accused of being a Christ like individual. My real question is this- should I just refuse to respond to his critical and mean comments, take everything he throws at me without complaint or comment and determine to serve God and let Him love my husband through me? Or should I defend myself when he falsely accuses me, and try to build some kind of ability to communicate with him in addition to seeking to serve God and letting Him love my husband through me?

 

[Darkhorse]

I know I have a long way to go with God. He has a lot of work to do with me before I could be accused of being a Christ like individual. My real question is this- should I just refuse to respond to his critical and mean comments, take everything he throws at me without complaint or comment and determine to serve God and let Him love my husband through me? Or should I defend myself when he falsely accuses me, and try to build some kind of ability to communicate with him in addition to seeking to serve God and letting Him love my husband through me?

You and God can patch things up quickly. Your husband will take more time.

You need to lovingly, honestly speak the truth in love when he throws false accusations at you. It won't magically change him, and it may intensify his attacks, but it is necessary to provide a "baseline" of truth on which your relationship can build.

Often the most difficult ministries are to those closest to us.

Remember what Jesus said about peacemakers.

Praying for you...

 

[mkgal1]

Mikon.....see if you have access to this area of the forums (you may need to request access): http://www.christianforums.com/t7650147/

If you don't have access......let me know and I can give you another link to make that request.

 

[Mikon]

God is definitely working on my heart, convicting me of sin and wrong behaviors. I'm just really conflicted/lost/clueless on how to talk to my husband.

After a fight yesterday I thought that we were just talking, I was asking questions trying to get him to open up and talk about what he believes. And he blew up at me saying that I was being judgmental and given where I've been spiritually since just after we met I have no room to talk about anything on that subject etc. I felt terrible, I was in no way passing judgement- I was definitely asking him questions and trying to have him clarify what he meant so I was sure to understand but at no point was I trying to act all holier-than-thou or pass judgement. I don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to passing judgement- my behavior the past few years has been absolutely abhorrent to God, I know this. We ended up not talking the rest of the night and today our one conversation was VERY strained and short. I hate to say it but I'm actually relieved that he won't get home from work today till after I've gone to bed.

How do I make peace with someone that I can't even talk to with making him mad? Never have a conversation beyond hey how was work and lovely weather today?

@mkgal1 I tried the link but it said that I don't have permission.

 

[mkgal1]

@mkgal1 I tried the link but it said that I don't have permission.

You can request access in this thread: http://www.christianforums.com/t7393466/

 

[johndoo]

Your husband is selfish ( as evidenced by toys and other issues) and a perfectionist ( critical and places a high priority on what others think).
There may be other issues.
You may need a marriage counselor or someone else to help.
I applaud you on making chages in your own life.
God bless.

 

[LinkH]

I know I have a long way to go with God. He has a lot of work to do with me before I could be accused of being a Christ like individual. My real question is this- should I just refuse to respond to his critical and mean comments, take everything he throws at me without complaint or comment and determine to serve God and let Him love my husband through me? Or should I defend myself when he falsely accuses me, and try to build some kind of ability to communicate with him in addition to seeking to serve God and letting Him love my husband through me?

I think there is room for both. I know it's hard, but if he gets angry, try to stay very calm and be respectful. It's hard for just one person to quarrel when the other is calm, though some people seem to have the ability.

If you disagree with him while he's upset, do it very calmly, or wait until he's done and calmed down, and very gently tell him later.

You may want to take these issues to a Christian counselor or pastor. Some churches have men's groups or cell groups where he could meet men to pray with. If you have a church family you could go to for advice, that can also help. It's also helpful if you have an older couple to mentor you. That might work better if both husband and wife want it. And of course, keep praying for him.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Or should I defend myself when he falsely accuses me, and try to build some kind of ability to communicate with him in addition to seeking to serve God and letting Him love my husband through me?

I would tell him in a non-confrontational manner but yet firmly with confidence, that you do not deserve to be falsely accused and disrespected, tell him that when he wants a respectful and serious conversation that you will be available but right now the conversation is over. If he persists you may have to leave the room or area. Do not engage with him when he is disrespectful and making false accusations.

If both you and your husband want counseling and get good counseling there is a chance that the situations you have described can be greatly reduced. In the mean time your most important concentration and activity will be to continue to grow in your spiritual quest to trust and obey God. You cannot change your husband that is a job for him and God. By you getting stronger spiritually you will be able to live your life with or without your husband. I would suggest that you not have children until this situation gets much better for a long time.

You seem very humble and ready for God to work with you. DO NOT let your husband stop your spiritual growth. God becomes before your husband.

 

[Mikon]

I have suggested counseling. He refuses and actually basically said I'm not allowed to go alone either. At one point before I came back to God I straight up told him we get help or we get a divorce. He refused and I caved.

It's not like he is awful 100% of the time. There are still moments that remind me of why I love him. There are glimpses of hope for change- but then we get into another argument and the niceness is gone. It doesn't help at all that if I don't watch myself very carefully I can be very reactionary. He blows up and sets me off so I blow up. I'm not justifying my behavior but rather trying to say I know I'm not blameless and I often react just as badly as he does. To other people he really is a good man. It's just like he uses it all up on everybody else and there is little to none left for me.

 

[mkgal1]

There are very few people that are awful 100% of the time. There are typically cycles:

Cycle of Abuse

 

[Mikon]

There are very few people that are awful 100% of the time. There are typically cycles:

Cycle of Abuse

Reading on that site makes me think of my father. I wouldn't say my husband is abusive- I agree he can be very selfish. After we got married I got slapped in the face with my own selfish behavior (not by him, by God). I don't think he's had that 'aha' moment. In a lot of ways he still acts like he is single. It is my hope that we can grow in God and together as a couple- really build a relationship that reflects the love of God.

 

[mkgal1]

Not get too caught up in a specific idea of what "abusive" means. There are different degrees of "abusive". None are healthy in a marriage.

 

[seeingeyes]

I have suggested counseling. He refuses and actually basically said I'm not allowed to go alone either. At one point before I came back to God I straight up told him we get help or we get a divorce. He refused and I caved.

Do you "cave" a lot?

 

[Autumnleaf]

I always wonder about people that get married and then try to change the dynamic by getting religion or assuming traditional churchy husband/wife roles. To me that seems like it would by very hard. Sort of like altering a deal after it is made, but altering it in a way where the expectations are not clearly defined.

Its like, oh now we're married you better start acting like I think a husband/wife should act even though our ideas of those things are different and we don't communicate them to each other.

 

[Mikon]

Do you "cave" a lot?

Do I give in a lot... I am not sure I would say a lot but honestly that is more my pride talking. If it really comes down to it if one of us is going to give into the other it will be me. I am stubborn but only to a point, when it comes to my husband I can only stand out so long. I am usually that one that caves... but then I am not the one that is supposed to lead us.

I always wonder about people that get married and then try to change the dynamic by getting religion or assuming traditional churchy husband/wife roles. To me that seems like it would by very hard. Sort of like altering a deal after it is made, but altering it in a way where the expectations are not clearly defined.

Its like, oh now we're married you better start acting like I think a husband/wife should act even though our ideas of those things are different and we don't communicate them to each other.

We already both had "religion". It was an active relationship with God that we were missing. For me I know it was because I was running from God- not really sure for my husband.

We already had established that what you call traditional "churchy" roles were what we wanted to have in our marriage. I'm not sure he fully realized what it would require and demand to be the man it takes to actually fulfill that role. I certainly didn't realize what it would demand of me to be that kind of wife. I have come to believe that it literally takes God's strength to accomplish it, anything less and we're basically setting ourselves up for failure.

I love my husband. He drives me crazy at times, can be selfish and mean. But I made a commitment before God to him. Now I am just trying to figure out how to... make the best of it and glorify God in our relationship. At times he is willing to work on it and help make our relationship better, other times not so much. I'm not perfect either, I am positive there are many things about me that drive him nuts.

I know counseling isn't an option because he said no. So between God, books and help from you guys I am trying to figure at least my side of things out.

 

[seeingeyes]

Do I give in a lot... I am not sure I would say a lot but honestly that is more my pride talking. If it really comes down to it if one of us is going to give into the other it will be me. I am stubborn but only to a point, when it comes to my husband I can only stand out so long. I am usually that one that caves... but then I am not the one that is supposed to lead us.

Are you going to wait around for him to lead you in the right direction? It might be awhile.

But otherwise, this is an area that you can change in order to make your marriage more bearable without waiting for him to do anything.

Here's how to draw a proper boundary and how to hold onto it.

First: Figure out a specific area that you want to handle differently. The more specific, the better. For this example, let's say you hate it when he calls you "snookums".

Second: Figure out a specific action that you will take when he calls you "snookums". For example, getting up and walking out of the room. Make sure it is something that you are willing to do even when it's very inconvenient for you.

Third: Inform him of your decision to get up and walk out of the room every time he calls you "snookums". Make sure that he understands what you are saying, but do not argue about your rights or anything. You are informing him of what you have already decided, not asking him for permission.

Fourth: Do it. Every time. If you fail one time, and start yelling at him for calling you "snookums" instead of walking out of the room like you promised, go to him later and apologize for not walking out of the room. Be that serious about this.

Wherever you draw this boundary, you can be sure to get some push back, because you are changing the status quo. That's why the action you take has to be an action from you and not dependent on him at all. It must be something that does not require his cooperation at all, because chances are, you won't get it.

 

[tenderheart1]

I would suggest professional, Christian counseling. A marriage shouldn't be filled with fighting, arguing, etc... but of loving, giving, and receiving.

 

[1watchman]

A good spouse will be steadfast in their walk and relationships through all manner of problems. It appears that is your view also, and I agree to what you say about being humble.

I am wondering, for all your thoughts about God and a feeling of need to go to church meetings and worship, if you both are really "born again" believers in the Lord Jesus Christ (John 3, John 14; etc.). Are you both devoted to Him and have Him as Lord of your life? If not, then all else about worship is irrelevant according to the Bible. Church going might be good to hear the Gospel message regularly (if it is fully preached there) and that can prove a blessing in time. Be sure the assembly holds close to the Bible.

Be very sure of your eternal standing in accord with the mind of God, friend, for trying to be a Christian and doing all the right kind of things and keeping God's standards, is not salvation. Please feel free to PM me if you would like to talk about this further. Look up always!

 

[iLove]

My husband and I got married last August. To be perfectly honest we were living in sin from the time we met to the time we married. He wanted to start going to church again around January. I agreed to go, he's my husband and the leader. Well when I refused to take communion because of my broken walk with God he got upset at what other people would think and got on my case about it. Which oddly prompted me to actually get back on track with God.

Now I'm trying to submit to God's will and through his grace and strength become a godly submissive wife. But it feels like my husband is doing everything to make that impossible. We fight all the time (daily- big loud fights), which are all my fault according to him, but we've been fighting a lot since before we got married. He's very critical, I haven't done anything right in months according to him, basically because I don't work as many hours as he does I'm not allowed to be tired, stressed, etc. or even have anything of value to contribute. Never mind that I've been covering all the bills and groceries with little to no help from him while he buys his toys. He is insensitive, doesn't listen and when it comes to sex it's like I could be anyone so long as he gets his cause he certainly doesn't give a hoot about me during. I was abused as a child so I have a lot of issues on that front. I don't trust my husband any more, and he has shown himself to be unreliable in anything involving me.

Honestly now that I look back there were so many red flags. Knowing what I know now if I could go back and do it over I would have gone about things very differently... I'm not sure if we would even have married. But I'm with him, I don't believe in divorce so I'm kind of stuck.

I know I have a long way to go with God. He has a lot of work to do with me before I could be accused of being a Christ like individual. My real question is this- should I just refuse to respond to his critical and mean comments, take everything he throws at me without complaint or comment and determine to serve God and let Him love my husband through me? Or should I defend myself when he falsely accuses me, and try to build some kind of ability to communicate with him in addition to seeking to serve God and letting Him love my husband through me?

Non-Christians should never take Communion as the Bible warns.

"Seek Ye First The Kingdom Of God"
Many Christians worry about marriage, money, people, health, terrorism, and economic conditions. God says, "The antidote to worry is me being FIRST". Of all the problems we face, you name the category, to live in perpetual defeat over it, you must ask the question, "Have I addressed God FIRST"? God says, "I want to be FIRST". "Seek Ye First the Kingdom of God". If that is missing, then you have just identified the cause of everything else that's wrong.

God says, "the reason why you are shook up and worried is 'cause I'm not FIRST, SO YOU GET TO TAKE CARE OF YOU'!

"The priority of the Kingdom" is imperative. Because if you miss what's first it doesn't matter what else you do. You've lost the foundation.

"Seek Ye First" gives you light from God, so that you know which way to go, which way to turn, which way to move, which way to act, which way to think, which way to walk, which way to talk, which way to relate. You know what to do because the light is shining. You lose that perspective, no wonder you're running into things, tripping over things, falling over things, because that which is light is now dark and you can't see.

Yes, we acknowledge Him, yes we reference Him, but that's not sufficient for Him. He wants FIRST!

Consult His word before you get everybody else's opinion, or you talk to people who are going to give God's word before you get the general view.

Christ is also the head of the church, which is His body. He is the beginning, supreme over all who rise from the dead. So He is first in everything. Colossians 1:18 NLT