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[RedPonyDriver]

My husband died of cancer 1 week ago. What do I do now? He was only 57. We were married over 20 years, together almost 22 years.

 

[Albion]

Apologies. I may not be permitted to post here because I am not a widower myself. Because of the title, I mistakenly thought it was the Introductions forum.

Nevertheless, I want to extend my sincere sympathies to you. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling at this moment.

 

[SpiritSong]

So sorry for you, may you find peace. My advice would be that you should not make any major changes for at least a year, unless you cannot afford not to make them. It's OK to cry, anywhere and any time. If you have any girlfriends, lean on them emotionally, but try not to do so overly much, as they can get burned out. If need be, cry out to God instead, and save your time with them to go out and see a movie to get your mind off of it, because being alone all the time is not good for your health. Keep us posted as to how it is going for you. We are here to support you!

 

[RedPonyDriver]

its been 2 weeks and I went and picked up his ashes today. Came home and crawled in bed. I start a Griefshare group tomorrow and I'm afraid...of being a blubbering mess, of not being able to handle being around people.
Life seems so useless/worthless now. I pray to just stop breathing and end the pain.

 

[SpiritSong]

I did Griefshare too. It helped me a lot. Everyone there will understand if you do cry. Most of them will have gone through that too. So don't feel nervous. It will help you. Have faith and be open to help and comfort and love.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Right now, Griefshare is just making me angry. I prayed for MONTHS about his health and about getting his VA disability claim approved. I'm 0 for 2. Where is God in all this? All that "ask and you shall receive" hooey is just that, hooey.
I walked out of church last sunday, just couldn't deal with it. Don't know if I'll ever go back.

 

[Albion]

Right now, Griefshare is just making me angry. I prayed for MONTHS about his health and about getting his VA disability claim approved. I'm 0 for 2. Where is God in all this? All that "ask and you shall receive" hooey is just that, hooey.
I walked out of church last sunday, just couldn't deal with it. Don't know if I'll ever go back.

I have found that God does hear all prayers and he responds to prayer...but not all the time and not necessarily in the way we, from our limited perspective, think is best. A Christian has to understand that God is not a celestial ATM machine who dispenses whatever and whenever, regardless of all everything else.

 

[SpiritSong]

I look at it quite differently than the last poster. Prayer is strange sometimes. Here is a simple example: Say 5 people are praying for rain and 5 are praying for sunshine. The 5 praying for rain are farmers and the 5 praying for sunshine are people planning a picnic. God might send rain or He might send sunshine, if He sends both there will be a rainbow. Most likely, however, He will send one or the other.

I will tell you something. My husband prayed for death. He wanted to end his suffering.

 

[blackribbon]

I understood that sometimes God answers prayers with "no" when my husband died. This was hard when it meant letting go of my best friend and my love. However, I know that it is only "goodbye for now." I will see him again one day. He is now free from the pain of cancer (my husband died of cancer at age 41, almost 11 years ago).

As for now, it is okay to grieve how you need to grieve. It is okay to be mad at God, He can take it. Just don't let go of your relationship with Him or you will truly be alone. It was through trusting God that I am alive today. I may not always like the direction that God takes me in life but I can tell you, by trusting Him, I do see that He is always present. I had a hard time going to church for a long time after my husband died. The fact that church was crowded made it even worse. God was okay with it. I dropped our kids off at Sunday School and drove to a nearby parking lot and listened to a Christian radio program or just talked to God.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I haven't bothered with church or my bible study group this week. My "official" excuse is that I've been sick (and I have been), but the truth is I hate going places alone that we used to go together, like church, the grocery store, just simple places. Its just too hard.

Not getting anywhere on the disability thing either. Still mad as heck about getting denied the benefits we both deserved. I have no medical insurance, nothing other than some savings. Waiting to see what happens with the malpractice suit that will be filed soon.

 

[blackribbon]

Griefshare works better if you do it at least 4 months after your loss. We need to process more before we can start.

 

[Rescued One]

My husband died of cancer at age 64 seven years ago. All a person can do is take one day at time. It's not easy to deal with every problem all alone though. For the first year I cried a lot. I don't drive so I sold the car. I'm almost a hermit because I don't have transportation most days.

I haven't bothered with church or my bible study group this week. My "official" excuse is that I've been sick (and I have been), but the truth is I hate going places alone that we used to go together, like church, the grocery store, just simple places. Its just too hard.

Not getting anywhere on the disability thing either. Still mad as heck about getting denied the benefits we both deserved. I have no medical insurance, nothing other than some savings. Waiting to see what happens with the malpractice suit that will be filed soon.

I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you can get the disability.

 

[Sam91]

I'm so sorry Redponydriver. My partner died of bowel cancer after only 5 years together. He was one day before his 27th birthday, right before Christmas. It will be four years this time.

My children helped me get through at first . I was very fortunate in that my youngest was 15 months old. That meant I had no choice but to keep on with a routine for him. It meant that I had to smile a little everyday, well quite a lot actually. The way I did that was to play with him. It kept me on an even keel.

I hope that there is something that takes you out of your grief for a time and frequently. The feelings will still be there for you to get back to, so there is no need to feel guilty for taking time out from it. (I only say that because 4 years on and I'm ok. I'm doing well mentally, emotionally. The connection and love we shared is still there, I haven't lost that. The grief is always with me but not in a depressing way. I'm not aware of it all the time but in honesty, I don't think it comes and goes. It is a dull, achy part of my heart but quite manageable. I would not want it to not be there. I don't care that it is a sad part. It's mine, always with me and I'm glad of it. It does not negatively impact my life much and of course I can access happy memories or take myself into an activity if I have delved too deep into it. It is also has a paradoxial strong, stabilising effect too.)

Those time outs from myself moments were essential for me. I didn't really have anyone to talk to about it. Being young (I am 6 years older than him) people don't understand. Being honest with God helped with that. I told Him how I felt and often felt a lot better and less anxious.

Keep on keeping on. ♡