New Territory

[question33]

I am new to this section of the board. My story up to this point is posted under "Ghost Husband" in the marriage restoration section. This has been one heck of a year.

Sorry, I know a bit long...

I moved out while the divorce goes through. I married young and never really led the single life on my own so this is a new experience. The main thing I miss so far is that when I don't have the children the apartment is way to quiet. I miss the hustle and bustle of having them around.

So far I have been getting the kids almost every weekend and some evenings. My wife has cut herself off from most of her friends and her family after telling them about the divorce. So now she is more dependent on me helping with the kids then she was before. I don't know a whole lot about her life now other than she is still attached to the other man. I still get the cell phone bill and they talk 7-8 times a day and I know she spends evenings away from home.

I haven't told the kids a whole lot other than the general "Mom and Dad don't get along anymore". I believe the oldest (Age 17) suspects what is going on. My son (14) seems to be more withdrawn and the youngest (11) is starving for attention. My wife says the youngest is acting out but I don't have any issues when she is with me. I think my wife is just beginning to come to see the tip of the iceberg in regards to the issues this will cause the kids.

I feel the strongest that I have all year at this point. The problems of this year really woke me up to the fact that I was becoming detached from the kids. Now that my focus is on my kids and myself instead of pleasing my unappeasable wife the relationship with the kids is growing stronger.

I guess I am looking for feedback from people that have been there before...

First my wife....

1) I went through counseling for myself this year (My wife refused to go). It opened my eyes to some unhealthy habits I had in the relationship. I made some adjustments (A lot of changes actually). However now that we are getting divorces she seems to still trying to get me to change to make her happy.(I started smoking again... I know I know). I really have no interest in changing these things at this point as I feel I have other priorities.

Is it normal for her to try to keep control even after we split? Obviously I have no reason to change myself for her at this point. There can be no reconciliation when only one person is willing.

We are trying to go through mediation and I am still walking on eggshells at this point. I am afraid that if I tell her to bug off that things will fall through. Is it ok to wait till after the divorce to deal with it or am I just causing myself more issues down the road?

2) The longer the periods of time I am away from the wife her demeanor gets stranger when I see her. When I see her she can't look me in the eyes and she has defensive body language. I think she has put a lot of effort into figuring out a way to blame me for her affair. For me its easier just not to see her regularly. I think it will help me forgive and move on in the long term. Do I need to worry that her attitude toward me will just get worse and worse? Or is this just run of the mill Guilt?

3) My wife has adopted a "keep it in the family" attitude. She tells the kids not to talk to others about the divorce. To tell them its none of their business. This doesn't seem healthy to me and it may be my wife trying to hide her sin. Should I counter-act against this or is this a minor issue?


Then my main concern, the kids...

4) Since the other guy is still in the picture I have real worries about how they will react if he is introduced more into their lives. Right now she is keeping things on the sly.(Not like its a secret to anyone but her, it became obvious to people after a while). I assume she doesn't want it being an issue in custody if the mediation falls through. But I have to assume it won't stay that way. How are the kids going to react to this?

5) My oldest has always taken a leadership role. Now that I have moved out and Mom is spending a lot of her time for herself it has turned into a parent role. She feels a responsibility to step up. I guess I am afraid that at a time when she should be learning independence she is stuck in a parent role. Any ideas on how to help her with this?


I know this is a bad situation to leave the kids in. But so far the older two are wanting to stay with Mom. (Actually they want split custody, Mom doesn't) But if push comes to shove, I think they would chose Mom at this point because they would not go against her authority. If they said to me they wanted to stay with me I would fight in a heartbeat. It seems to be best not to force them to decide between two parents.

 

[Autumnleaf]

When you leave the other guy will probably lose interest.

 

[ANurseInChrist]

I'm going to reply to each section that you wrote in RED. I have been working and studying in the field of counseling and work with students families of all ages:
I hope this helps.

New Territory


I am new to this section of the board. My story up to this point is posted under "Ghost Husband" in the marriage restoration section. This has been one heck of a year.

Sorry, I know a bit long...

I moved out while the divorce goes through. I married young and never really led the single life on my own so this is a new experience. The main thing I miss so far is that when I don't have the children the apartment is way to quiet. I miss the hustle and bustle of having them around. First of all, I am very sorry that you miss your kids. I know it's so hard.

So far I have been getting the kids almost every weekend and some evenings. My wife has cut herself off from most of her friends and her family after telling them about the divorce. So now she is more dependent on me helping with the kids then she was before. I don't know a whole lot about her life now other than she is still attached to the other man. I still get the cell phone bill and they talk 7-8 times a day and I know she spends evenings away from home. Is there an advantage for you to seeing when they talk to each other? How about changing the cell phone bill or not getting it with the cell phone calls detailed out?

I haven't told the kids a whole lot other than the general "Mom and Dad don't get along anymore". I believe the oldest (Age 17) suspects what is going on. My son (14) seems to be more withdrawn and the youngest (11) is starving for attention. My wife says the youngest is acting out but I don't have any issues when she is with me. I think my wife is just beginning to come to see the tip of the iceberg in regards to the issues this will cause the kids. There are school counselors as well to help with the kids. Have you asked how the kids are doing emotionally/ mentally / socially in school?

I feel the strongest that I have all year at this point. The problems of this year really woke me up to the fact that I was becoming detached from the kids. Now that my focus is on my kids and myself instead of pleasing my unappeasable wife the relationship with the kids is growing stronger. AMEN! That's wonderful! What a blessing those children are for you!

I guess I am looking for feedback from people that have been there before... I've been there, done that. There's a time that you look at what you need and what God has for you without your wife. He knows what the kids need.

First my wife....

1) I went through counseling for myself this year (My wife refused to go). It opened my eyes to some unhealthy habits I had in the relationship. I made some adjustments (A lot of changes actually). However now that we are getting divorces she seems to still trying to get me to change to make her happy.(I started smoking again... I know I know). I really have no interest in changing these things at this point as I feel I have other priorities. You have priorities and you are focusing on what God wants for you and the kids. She very well may realize a good thing when it's gone, but don't feel guilty!

Is it normal for her to try to keep control even after we split? Obviously I have no reason to change myself for her at this point. There can be no reconciliation when only one person is willing. VERY normal. When one person feels like they've lost what they had, they sometimes try to control the other person still, even though they have no right to. They will want to know information that is not their business anymore, they will try to control things that aren't their business, they might even try to control your personal life. It is normal, however it's not OK! She may try anything to still hang onto you or to be a part in one way or another, however she needs to know the boundaries.

She may also want to get information from the kids about you to use, but this isn't ok either!

We are trying to go through mediation and I am still walking on eggshells at this point. I am afraid that if I tell her to bug off that things will fall through. Is it ok to wait till after the divorce to deal with it or am I just causing myself more issues down the road? It is ok for you to tell her what the absolute boundaries are for you and that your life is now your life. You do not have to answer to her, nor does she have to answer to you. Just set simple, yet firm boundaries. This will help in the future.

2) The longer the periods of time I am away from the wife her demeanor gets stranger when I see her. When I see her she can't look me in the eyes and she has defensive body language. I think she has put a lot of effort into figuring out a way to blame me for her affair. For me its easier just not to see her regularly. I think it will help me forgive and move on in the long term. Do I need to worry that her attitude toward me will just get worse and worse? Or is this just run of the mill Guilt?
Again, set boundaries. She will continue to project the guilt off her as much as possible. This is normal behavior. However, you have the right to state that you do not wish to communicate with her in a defensive mood / posture. Don't see her unless you have to. If that is what makes it easier then don't see her much. Don't worry about her atttitude and let her be her. You worry about you and don't feel guilty.

3) My wife has adopted a "keep it in the family" attitude. She tells the kids not to talk to others about the divorce. To tell them its none of their business. This doesn't seem healthy to me and it may be my wife trying to hide her sin. Should I counter-act against this or is this a minor issue? It may be healthy for the kids to have someone to talk to.... really healthy! They have the right to talk amongst their friends, peers, teachers, others as they need to in order to deal with the situation. If they don't , they may have other issues. THey will have opinions about the whole situation

Then my main concern, the kids...

4) Since the other guy is still in the picture I have real worries about how they will react if he is introduced more into their lives. Right now she is keeping things on the sly.(Not like its a secret to anyone but her, it became obvious to people after a while). I assume she doesn't want it being an issue in custody if the mediation falls through. But I have to assume it won't stay that way. How are the kids going to react to this?
THey will eventually meet him and Figure out what is going on. They will have to form their own opinions of him and their mother's relationship with him. They probably already have their opinons on her attitude and other stuff going on.


5) My oldest has always taken a leadership role. Now that I have moved out and Mom is spending a lot of her time for herself it has turned into a parent role. She feels a responsibility to step up. I guess I am afraid that at a time when she should be learning independence she is stuck in a parent role. Any ideas on how to help her with this?
She needs to understand that she is allowed to be a kid. If you have issues with her taking a "parent" role, ask how she feels. Again, find her somoene to talk to and express her feelings about the situation. You have a right to be concerned.

I know this is a bad situation to leave the kids in. But so far the older two are wanting to stay with Mom. (Actually they want split custody, Mom doesn't) But if push comes to shove, I think they would chose Mom at this point because they would not go against her authority. If they said to me they wanted to stay with me I would fight in a heartbeat. It seems to be best not to force them to decide between two parents.)
They are old enough to know where they want and maybe not what is best for them. Spend whatever time you can and make it quality time.
Remember to "date" each one of your children separately on a regular basis. Do something alone with each of them at least once a month.
Allow them to talk with someone and tell them it's ok to talk. It's healthy.

I pray you will find the peace of God and know that He loves you and has a plan for you and the kids.

 

[question33]

ANurseInChrist,

Thank you so much for your input. Things have been so chaotic that I feel like I am just making life altering decisions on the fly. Thankfully I have a lot of extended family backing, but sometimes that seems to be a mixed blessing. Everyone has different advice. Most of my male friends think I should be out for blood, which really isn't in my character. It's hard to get impartial advice.

Thank you again for your feedback...