Its been a year now and I find myself searching for others that know the pain of loosing a husband (or wife). I have sent my story to a couple of christian forums with the hope that I can build safe friendships with people who understand. I dont feel qualified to give advise, I dont know that I have done anything right but I am going to share and perhaps that is all that is needed.
My name is Candace. [wash my mouth]My husband called me Candy. [wash my mouth]I haven't heard that name in a year. [wash my mouth]Jim took his last racking breath in our home July 4, 2007. [wash my mouth]My youngest two children were there beside him with me. [wash my mouth]My oldest was on his way home from Nebraska. [wash my mouth]
We knew something was wrong with Jim. [wash my mouth]He was tired all the time. [wash my mouth]His passion for the things he loved was gone. [wash my mouth]It was like he checked out on us. [wash my mouth]Everything checked out at the doctor. [wash my mouth]They said it was stress. [wash my mouth]We didn't have his brain checked but I harbored the thought that maybe we should check into that next.
Jim commuted to work in Alaska. [wash my mouth]He worked two weeks and was home two weeks. [wash my mouth]We had all lived there until Jim had a longing to move his family to the mid-west. [wash my mouth]We moved here almost 6 years ago. [wash my mouth]I fought it at first, I loved Alaska and our home. [wash my mouth]Now after all that has happened I know God was in it. [wash my mouth]What would we have done way up in Alaska through all this. [wash my mouth]Our family could not have commuted way up there.
After we moved here Jim began thinking abut retirement and how we would manage it. [wash my mouth]He bought a hardware store here in our little town. [wash my mouth] The plan was for him to work for another five or so years while getting the store up and going so [wash my mouth]when retirement became possible we would have our store to support us. [wash my mouth]But then he began to change. [wash my mouth]He forgot things all the time. [wash my mouth]He was with us but he wasn't. [wash my mouth]He would fall asleep the minute he sat down. [wash my mouth]He even fell asleep while driving a couple of times. [wash my mouth]Luckily one of us was with him both times and noticed his eyes close. [wash my mouth]I was beside myself we all were. [wash my mouth]We didn't know what was wrong. [wash my mouth]I felt angry because we were having some trouble with our eldest son at the time and I couldn't get him to "care". [wash my mouth]I know now that he couldn't help it.
Jim was in Alaska at work when he called. [wash my mouth]He didn't make sense. [wash my mouth]He said he had been sick with the flu and they wanted to send him home. [wash my mouth]He sounded so confused. [wash my mouth]I told him to call our good friend to pick him up in Anchorage and to stay with her. [wash my mouth]I called his boss. [wash my mouth]He told me they thought Jim had had a stroke he was confused could not function. [wash my mouth]He asked for our friend's number because Jim couldn't remember it. [wash my mouth]They arranged for me to fly up and bring him home. [wash my mouth]The medic told our friend to take Jim to the emergency room in Anchorage. [wash my mouth]They found the tumor there. [wash my mouth]They suggested a hospital in St. Louis. I was to fly him to Mo. and go straight to the hospital emergency room. [wash my mouth]I'll never forget our trip back. [wash my mouth]Jim was so confused in the airport. [wash my mouth]He had made this trip twice a month for over four years. [wash my mouth]He could not remember where to go and was frustrated. [wash my mouth] I had to tell him to trust me. How he made it up there by himself that last time I'll never know. [wash my mouth]The emergency room at the hospital took us right in. [wash my mouth]We burst into tears when they told us Jim had a high grade malignant glioma grade 4. [wash my mouth]They checked him into the hospital to put in a shunt to relieve some of the pressure. [wash my mouth]A couple of weeks later we moved into the American Cancer Lodge to begin the five weeks of daily radiation. [wash my mouth]I'd never been away from the children for so long. [wash my mouth]The rest was a whirlwind of trying to take care of him. [wash my mouth]The doctors were all about treating the cancer but we got no help understanding how to take care of him. Everything always took us by surprise. [wash my mouth]We wanted to know what to do...to understand the brain damage and know what to expect. [wash my mouth] [wash my mouth]It was hard. [wash my mouth]Imagine a toddler in the body of a 55 year old man. [wash my mouth]We had to protect him 24 hours a day. [wash my mouth]The children picked their father up off the floor and had to scold him when he was wanting to do something that would hurt him. [wash my mouth]We didn't understand what was going on in his mind. [wash my mouth]We didn't get much sleep. [wash my mouth]It was hard to get him into bed then it was hard to keep him in bed. [wash my mouth]He would wonder in the night. [wash my mouth]One of the things he would do was to try to climb on things like the bathroom vanity or the shelves in the closet. [wash my mouth]We would try to reason with him but in his mind we were the ones that were unreasonable. [wash my mouth]We learned right away to keep him away from the stove or any matches. [wash my mouth]We could never get him into our car [wash my mouth]he would always say it was not our car and try to get into someone else's car. [wash my mouth]He climbed into the bed of someone's pick-up and began to unload their groceries. There were so many things we were dealing with. [wash my mouth] The hardest part was his eyes. [wash my mouth]They were blank and empty. [wash my mouth]His eyes always were so full of love, life and mischief, they were his best feature. [wash my mouth] He lived ten months. [wash my mouth]Every night we touched his head and prayed over him after we tucked into bed. [wash my mouth]When he died my prayer life was shattered. [wash my mouth]You see I believed God would heal him. [wash my mouth]
I have only recently began to pray again. [wash my mouth]For my children. [wash my mouth]It is still not the same as it was but I am trying.
I love my children. [wash my mouth]But I fear for them. [wash my mouth]They have all been through so much. [wash my mouth]My daughter (19) was always so sure of her vision. [wash my mouth]It was shattered. [wash my mouth]She stayed home from college and has not decided whether she will go this fall. [wash my mouth]I will not force her to go if she doesn't know what she wants to do. [wash my mouth] My youngest son (17) has had to be the "man". [wash my mouth]He had to take care of his hero. [wash my mouth]My oldest son (21) has transferred to a job closer to us and purchased a home here in our little town. [wash my mouth]He comes home on the weekends and is working through his pain. [wash my mouth]He feels guilty because he was not here when Jim died. [wash my mouth]But how could we know how long he would live after they sent him home to start hospice. [wash my mouth]He also feels guilty because he was going through a selfish and foolish stage when Jim first got sick. [wash my mouth]He regrets that he didn't spend time with his dad. [wash my mouth]As I said he is working through it and I think he will be fine. [wash my mouth]I am proud of him.
This is long I know. [wash my mouth]But I need to tell it. [wash my mouth]Jim began to have seizures. [wash my mouth]He was also having a terrible time breathing. [wash my mouth]I was afraid he might have pneumonia. [wash my mouth]When I took my husband to the doctor for the last time he had a seizure in the office and they ambulanced him to the local hospital. [wash my mouth]He did not have pneumonia. [wash my mouth]The tumor had grown/spread and was obstructing his respiratory system. [wash my mouth]He was in intensive care there for a couple of days before they put him in an ambulance to the hospital in St. Louis for another couple of days (where his team of doctors were). [wash my mouth]They said it was time to stop treating the cancer and to take care of him. [wash my mouth]They set up hospice and sent him by ambulance (3.5 hours) back home. [wash my mouth]We determined that my oldest son should go on home to Nebraska which is why he was not there. [wash my mouth]Jim lived not even two full days. [wash my mouth]In all that time from the first ambulance to the local hospital he never woke up. [wash my mouth]I wish he could have woke up looked us in the eyes with recognition and said he loved us or good by. [wash my mouth]
It has been a year and I thought I would have healed more by now. [wash my mouth]It still feels like yesterday. [wash my mouth]The difference I think is the shock has worn off and the loneliness has set in. [wash my mouth]I can be with a group of people and still be so lonely for him. [wash my mouth]I find myself way too interested in the details of my children's social lives beyond the usual parental concern. [wash my mouth]I don't have a life of my own. [wash my mouth]I started a bible study with a nice group of women. [wash my mouth]It has helped me. [wash my mouth]We finished up a 11 week study and celebrated at my house. [wash my mouth]They all went home to their husbands at the end of it. [wash my mouth]I know I need to get on with it...to align my new life with God. [wash my mouth]But I don't have a vision. [wash my mouth]My vision was "our" vision. [wash my mouth]Now that I am no longer a "we" I have to figure out how to live as one. [wash my mouth]I was applying for medical insurance the other day and they referred to me as a single mother. [wash my mouth]Ouch ouch ouch.
Well that is it, most of it anyway.
We buried Jim here on our farm. Sometime before he got sick we had a couple over for dinner. We took a walk through the woods and as we passed through one of Jims favorite spots he told our friend that this was where he wanted to be buried. They started joking around about where he wanted his head etc., etc. When Jim died I called our friend and reminded him of that conversation. He took care of everything.
Oh by the way...my daughter and I are trying to make the hardware store work. [wash my mouth]We are not doing so well. [wash my mouth]I would appreciate your prayers with it. [wash my mouth]The good thing about it is it forced us to be out in the community. [wash my mouth]Otherwise I think we would have buried ourselves here in our home.
God Bless,
Candace
My name is Candace. [wash my mouth]My husband called me Candy. [wash my mouth]I haven't heard that name in a year. [wash my mouth]Jim took his last racking breath in our home July 4, 2007. [wash my mouth]My youngest two children were there beside him with me. [wash my mouth]My oldest was on his way home from Nebraska. [wash my mouth]
We knew something was wrong with Jim. [wash my mouth]He was tired all the time. [wash my mouth]His passion for the things he loved was gone. [wash my mouth]It was like he checked out on us. [wash my mouth]Everything checked out at the doctor. [wash my mouth]They said it was stress. [wash my mouth]We didn't have his brain checked but I harbored the thought that maybe we should check into that next.
Jim commuted to work in Alaska. [wash my mouth]He worked two weeks and was home two weeks. [wash my mouth]We had all lived there until Jim had a longing to move his family to the mid-west. [wash my mouth]We moved here almost 6 years ago. [wash my mouth]I fought it at first, I loved Alaska and our home. [wash my mouth]Now after all that has happened I know God was in it. [wash my mouth]What would we have done way up in Alaska through all this. [wash my mouth]Our family could not have commuted way up there.
After we moved here Jim began thinking abut retirement and how we would manage it. [wash my mouth]He bought a hardware store here in our little town. [wash my mouth] The plan was for him to work for another five or so years while getting the store up and going so [wash my mouth]when retirement became possible we would have our store to support us. [wash my mouth]But then he began to change. [wash my mouth]He forgot things all the time. [wash my mouth]He was with us but he wasn't. [wash my mouth]He would fall asleep the minute he sat down. [wash my mouth]He even fell asleep while driving a couple of times. [wash my mouth]Luckily one of us was with him both times and noticed his eyes close. [wash my mouth]I was beside myself we all were. [wash my mouth]We didn't know what was wrong. [wash my mouth]I felt angry because we were having some trouble with our eldest son at the time and I couldn't get him to "care". [wash my mouth]I know now that he couldn't help it.
Jim was in Alaska at work when he called. [wash my mouth]He didn't make sense. [wash my mouth]He said he had been sick with the flu and they wanted to send him home. [wash my mouth]He sounded so confused. [wash my mouth]I told him to call our good friend to pick him up in Anchorage and to stay with her. [wash my mouth]I called his boss. [wash my mouth]He told me they thought Jim had had a stroke he was confused could not function. [wash my mouth]He asked for our friend's number because Jim couldn't remember it. [wash my mouth]They arranged for me to fly up and bring him home. [wash my mouth]The medic told our friend to take Jim to the emergency room in Anchorage. [wash my mouth]They found the tumor there. [wash my mouth]They suggested a hospital in St. Louis. I was to fly him to Mo. and go straight to the hospital emergency room. [wash my mouth]I'll never forget our trip back. [wash my mouth]Jim was so confused in the airport. [wash my mouth]He had made this trip twice a month for over four years. [wash my mouth]He could not remember where to go and was frustrated. [wash my mouth] I had to tell him to trust me. How he made it up there by himself that last time I'll never know. [wash my mouth]The emergency room at the hospital took us right in. [wash my mouth]We burst into tears when they told us Jim had a high grade malignant glioma grade 4. [wash my mouth]They checked him into the hospital to put in a shunt to relieve some of the pressure. [wash my mouth]A couple of weeks later we moved into the American Cancer Lodge to begin the five weeks of daily radiation. [wash my mouth]I'd never been away from the children for so long. [wash my mouth]The rest was a whirlwind of trying to take care of him. [wash my mouth]The doctors were all about treating the cancer but we got no help understanding how to take care of him. Everything always took us by surprise. [wash my mouth]We wanted to know what to do...to understand the brain damage and know what to expect. [wash my mouth] [wash my mouth]It was hard. [wash my mouth]Imagine a toddler in the body of a 55 year old man. [wash my mouth]We had to protect him 24 hours a day. [wash my mouth]The children picked their father up off the floor and had to scold him when he was wanting to do something that would hurt him. [wash my mouth]We didn't understand what was going on in his mind. [wash my mouth]We didn't get much sleep. [wash my mouth]It was hard to get him into bed then it was hard to keep him in bed. [wash my mouth]He would wonder in the night. [wash my mouth]One of the things he would do was to try to climb on things like the bathroom vanity or the shelves in the closet. [wash my mouth]We would try to reason with him but in his mind we were the ones that were unreasonable. [wash my mouth]We learned right away to keep him away from the stove or any matches. [wash my mouth]We could never get him into our car [wash my mouth]he would always say it was not our car and try to get into someone else's car. [wash my mouth]He climbed into the bed of someone's pick-up and began to unload their groceries. There were so many things we were dealing with. [wash my mouth] The hardest part was his eyes. [wash my mouth]They were blank and empty. [wash my mouth]His eyes always were so full of love, life and mischief, they were his best feature. [wash my mouth] He lived ten months. [wash my mouth]Every night we touched his head and prayed over him after we tucked into bed. [wash my mouth]When he died my prayer life was shattered. [wash my mouth]You see I believed God would heal him. [wash my mouth]
I have only recently began to pray again. [wash my mouth]For my children. [wash my mouth]It is still not the same as it was but I am trying.
I love my children. [wash my mouth]But I fear for them. [wash my mouth]They have all been through so much. [wash my mouth]My daughter (19) was always so sure of her vision. [wash my mouth]It was shattered. [wash my mouth]She stayed home from college and has not decided whether she will go this fall. [wash my mouth]I will not force her to go if she doesn't know what she wants to do. [wash my mouth] My youngest son (17) has had to be the "man". [wash my mouth]He had to take care of his hero. [wash my mouth]My oldest son (21) has transferred to a job closer to us and purchased a home here in our little town. [wash my mouth]He comes home on the weekends and is working through his pain. [wash my mouth]He feels guilty because he was not here when Jim died. [wash my mouth]But how could we know how long he would live after they sent him home to start hospice. [wash my mouth]He also feels guilty because he was going through a selfish and foolish stage when Jim first got sick. [wash my mouth]He regrets that he didn't spend time with his dad. [wash my mouth]As I said he is working through it and I think he will be fine. [wash my mouth]I am proud of him.
This is long I know. [wash my mouth]But I need to tell it. [wash my mouth]Jim began to have seizures. [wash my mouth]He was also having a terrible time breathing. [wash my mouth]I was afraid he might have pneumonia. [wash my mouth]When I took my husband to the doctor for the last time he had a seizure in the office and they ambulanced him to the local hospital. [wash my mouth]He did not have pneumonia. [wash my mouth]The tumor had grown/spread and was obstructing his respiratory system. [wash my mouth]He was in intensive care there for a couple of days before they put him in an ambulance to the hospital in St. Louis for another couple of days (where his team of doctors were). [wash my mouth]They said it was time to stop treating the cancer and to take care of him. [wash my mouth]They set up hospice and sent him by ambulance (3.5 hours) back home. [wash my mouth]We determined that my oldest son should go on home to Nebraska which is why he was not there. [wash my mouth]Jim lived not even two full days. [wash my mouth]In all that time from the first ambulance to the local hospital he never woke up. [wash my mouth]I wish he could have woke up looked us in the eyes with recognition and said he loved us or good by. [wash my mouth]
It has been a year and I thought I would have healed more by now. [wash my mouth]It still feels like yesterday. [wash my mouth]The difference I think is the shock has worn off and the loneliness has set in. [wash my mouth]I can be with a group of people and still be so lonely for him. [wash my mouth]I find myself way too interested in the details of my children's social lives beyond the usual parental concern. [wash my mouth]I don't have a life of my own. [wash my mouth]I started a bible study with a nice group of women. [wash my mouth]It has helped me. [wash my mouth]We finished up a 11 week study and celebrated at my house. [wash my mouth]They all went home to their husbands at the end of it. [wash my mouth]I know I need to get on with it...to align my new life with God. [wash my mouth]But I don't have a vision. [wash my mouth]My vision was "our" vision. [wash my mouth]Now that I am no longer a "we" I have to figure out how to live as one. [wash my mouth]I was applying for medical insurance the other day and they referred to me as a single mother. [wash my mouth]Ouch ouch ouch.
Well that is it, most of it anyway.
We buried Jim here on our farm. Sometime before he got sick we had a couple over for dinner. We took a walk through the woods and as we passed through one of Jims favorite spots he told our friend that this was where he wanted to be buried. They started joking around about where he wanted his head etc., etc. When Jim died I called our friend and reminded him of that conversation. He took care of everything.
Oh by the way...my daughter and I are trying to make the hardware store work. [wash my mouth]We are not doing so well. [wash my mouth]I would appreciate your prayers with it. [wash my mouth]The good thing about it is it forced us to be out in the community. [wash my mouth]Otherwise I think we would have buried ourselves here in our home.
God Bless,
Candace
