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[ChandraC]

Hello!

I have been reading posts for a few weeks. I have been looking for a place to get support and feedback from a Chrisitian perspective.

My husband and I separated the end of Sept. I asked for it after over a year of counseling and trying again and again to resolve the issues between us. I felt I needed time to sort things out and it would be best for us each to live the way we felt God was calling us to.

A big part of our conflict was in raising our kids who both have mental health issues. Our daughter has autism on top of that. I am not saying one of us is right, and the other was wrong. We just had different points of view. I had been continually told by him that the conflict between him and my son was my fault because I modeled disrespect toward him. I needed to be more submissive to him and more supportive to him as the head of our household. He used a lot of the Christian lingo to try to get me to do what he wanted me to do. He also refused to allow our son to attend a church he was more comfortable with.

After being separated for a month he hooked up with a coworker. He said he wanted to work on reconciliation, but would not let go of his relationship with her. A month after that he found his current girlfriend. He is making less-than-Christian choices with her. We are not divorced. Our teenage son sees this as adultery. My husband says it isn't.

Neither of the children want to see him. I filed for divorce the beginning of Dec. He did not file a response so it should be finalized within a month. I am taking on the majority of the debt. I have the children full time with me. He keeps telling how wrong I am being in asking for as much child support as I am. The figure is calculated by our state in a formula. He is pressuring me to give him back a certain amount each month without telling the court.

I am trying my best to keep myself afloat and take care of my kids. It is hard though.

 

[morethanenough06]

Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry you're in such a bad place. My husband and I are in the process of separating. I don't know what it will all look like yet. Hugs to you. I hope you find the support you are looking for here.

 

[saturnnights]

I have been reading posts for a few weeks. I have been looking for a place to get support and feedback from a Chrisitian perspective.

It sounds as though you have your path already planned and your journey underway at this point. Although I'm more of a "reconcile if possible" sort of mindset, I believe that your husband's post-separation behavior probably indicates exactly where his heart was throughout the marriage. That being said, I can't really say that I blame you and I wish you the best. You are clearly a strong person - that comes through in your post - you and your children will be okay when this is over. Take what the courts award you. Be prepared for all sorts of mind games from your soon-to-be ex.

God bless...
Mark

 

[LinkH]

ChandraC,

I couldn't see exactly what your husband did wrong before the separation that really made you separate. Was there something you didn't mention?

What is the nature of his relationship with the coworker? Are they dating, going everywhere together?

Does he say he wants to reconcile at all? Were you hoping he would put up some legal resistance to a divorce?

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Hello OP, welcome to the forums. Good luck with this next transition in your life.

 

[DZoolander]

Hello!

I have been reading posts for a few weeks. I have been looking for a place to get support and feedback from a Chrisitian perspective.

My husband and I separated the end of Sept. I asked for it after over a year of counseling and trying again and again to resolve the issues between us. I felt I needed time to sort things out and it would be best for us each to live the way we felt God was calling us to.

A big part of our conflict was in raising our kids who both have mental health issues. Our daughter has autism on top of that. I am not saying one of us is right, and the other was wrong. We just had different points of view. I had been continually told by him that the conflict between him and my son was my fault because I modeled disrespect toward him. I needed to be more submissive to him and more supportive to him as the head of our household. He used a lot of the Christian lingo to try to get me to do what he wanted me to do. He also refused to allow our son to attend a church he was more comfortable with.

After being separated for a month he hooked up with a coworker. He said he wanted to work on reconciliation, but would not let go of his relationship with her. A month after that he found his current girlfriend. He is making less-than-Christian choices with her. We are not divorced. Our teenage son sees this as adultery. My husband says it isn't.

Neither of the children want to see him. I filed for divorce the beginning of Dec. He did not file a response so it should be finalized within a month. I am taking on the majority of the debt. I have the children full time with me. He keeps telling how wrong I am being in asking for as much child support as I am. The figure is calculated by our state in a formula. He is pressuring me to give him back a certain amount each month without telling the court.

I am trying my best to keep myself afloat and take care of my kids. It is hard though.

Sounds like a real "winner" of a guy - and you're lucky to be rid of him.

Ya know - on a side subject (but related) - I'm always amazed by the shenanigans that go on w/respect to child support/etc. I mean, seriously, what kind of douche would skimp on his kid?

I did a calculation once just out of curiosity to see what my child support payments would be on our daughter were my wife and I to split (mostly because we have a friend who's only receiving like $400 a month or something). Let's just say that my payment would be *considerably* more.

...and ya know...in that circumstance...would it sting? Yeah. But it's for...MY DAUGHTER. I can't imagine even trying to fight that or ask for any amount back.

What a tool.

That begin said - welcome to the better portion of life

 

[ChandraC]

Thank you everyone for the replies. I don't want to go into too much detail here, but he had some areas he was not working on such as addictions issues and neglecting responsibilities.

I feel after searching my heart and lots of prayer that I am taking the right path. Once he started dating his recent girlfriend, he decided he did not want to reconcile. I had been willing to consider it at one time. After seeing the choices he has made since separating, I can't go back. There are lines he has crossed that I cannot have as part of my life and especially not my children's lives.

I know it will get easier, but this part of the process stinks!

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Sounds like a real "winner" of a guy - and you're lucky to be rid of him.

Ya know - on a side subject (but related) - I'm always amazed by the shenanigans that go on w/respect to child support/etc. I mean, seriously, what kind of douche would skimp on his kid?

I did a calculation once just out of curiosity to see what my child support payments would be on our daughter were my wife and I to split (mostly because we have a friend who's only receiving like $400 a month or something). Let's just say that my payment would be *considerably* more.

...and ya know...in that circumstance...would it sting? Yeah. But it's for...MY DAUGHTER. I can't imagine even trying to fight that or ask for any amount back.

What a tool.

That begin said - welcome to the better portion of life

The only thing I will say about that is we have frustration over child support, not the amount per say (which is a lot), but the frustration that comes in knowing it's not being spent on the kids. It's deeply frustrating, like, to a degree I can't express, to hear from the kids that there's no electricity at Mom's house because she didn't give them money, while she's busy planning a trip to Disney... A kid-free trip (not a bad thing, we do it constantly), but she tells us what dates she's going, that we need to take the kids and the dates are inflexible (nevermind what our work schedule is and if we can do it), followed by "oh and by the way, can you double up 'our check' the week before so I have some money to spend while I'm there?" Nothing like being told that she's not taking the kids for the week, but still wants child support for the week she won't have them so she can buy things at Disney...

Another one of my favorites was when one of the kids got hives from his Halloween costume, we went to the doctor to get him checked out, she didn't answer the phone because she needed "me time" and was sleeping, then when we dropped him off with her at the store she was shopping at with a friend after he had meds and a shot, she looked at him and didn't see what the "big deal was" because "he looks fine" and then asked her friend if he looked fine, which of course she said he did and it obviously wasn't too big a deal (sage advice from the same person who's house he got flea-bitten at while she was watching him) and didn't give us, or him, the time of day. So my husband just said if he gets worse again, he needs a non-RX medication to treat the itching and we left. That led to two hours of texts and a phone call over how, despite the fact that she was in a big box store that sold the medication when we dropped him off, it was too inconvenient to get it and she couldn't afford to spend the money because she didn't have "$5 to spare," so she didn't get it and said if he got worse, we'd have to go buy it because she just couldn't afford it. And if we didn't, "he'd just have to do without it I guess." It was a lovely conversation, interrupted only for a moment while she placed an order at the Wendy's drive-through before dropping the kids off with a sitter to go to the movies alone because she needed "me time."

Not saying this is the OP, not saying that's what's going on in the slightest, nor would I dream of accusing her of doing this. Sounds like the guy is a money-grubbing doopdie-doo who gives not two carps about the interest of his kids. Just saying sometimes the issue isn't money going to the kids, it's money that should be going to the kids that somehow never makes it to them, and you have to suck up every last ounce of self-control to not flip out over being told that you need to pay early because the rent is a week late because the last check went to pay off a Kohls card opened and run up during Christmas.

 

[LinkH]

If a man reacts negatively to child support payments, that doesn't mean he is a deadbeat. Some men just don't want the state dictating their budget and forcing the control of the funds into the other parent's hands. Does he want the kids in his home?

The state isn't always easy to work with, either. While there are dead beat dads, that's not always the case. Child support is one of those areas where we can have 'debtor's prisons' in the US where those who can't afford to pay are jailed, and some divorced men sleep in cars in Europe because post-divorce financial obligations drive them into poverty.

I was just thinking. In some of the posts on the married couples forum, the advice you see is

- Your spouse is acting like an unbeliever.
- Your spouse abandoned you by leaving.
- Therefore 'if the unbeliever depart, let him depart.' You may remarry.

There are a lot of problems with the way the scripture is interpreted, since people assume not under bondage means to remarry. The big problem is with labeling someone as an unbeliever for separating or certain other sinful behaviors. Oh yes, and Paul of I Corinthians 7 said in this section he was not giving a commandment of the Lord.

I wonder if ChandraC's husband went through a reasoning process like this to justify himself in getting a new girlfriend lined up. Paul does tell us commandments of the Lord for marriage.

I Corinthians 7
10 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:
11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.

 

[ChandraC]

I cannot say what his reasoning is. That is between him and the Lord. I don't want to speculate. He did tell me about a month into the separation that he would most likely find someone right away because his male friends don't understand him and what he "needs" can only come from a female. We have been together for 21 years. I don't quite understand the ability to find someone else so quickly since we are not yet divorced and only separated for 4 months. Again, he has his own walk with the Lord and will have his own path to follow.

As for myself, I don't know what God has in store for me down the road. I focus on my relationship with Him and raising my kids. I am not able to work as my children's needs are so high. Both of them are disabled. With the child support and some assistance we get from the state, we are still in poverty level. I clip coupons and look for corners to cut so the bills get paid. God is my provider.

I know a lot of people debate about what the Bible says about marriage and divorce on this forum. I imagine some are looking for answers and reach out for counsel from other believers. I never wanted my marriage to end. I only wanted the best for my children. My husband being in the home was not in my children's best interest and that is why I asked for a separation. My hope and prayer was for reconciliation. God seemed to have shut that door. I still pray for God's blessings and God's best for my husband. I long to see him set free from the bondage of his heart and mind. I want my children to have a godly example to look up to.
Thanks to everyone for their replies.