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New here: Question about behavior issues

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MicheleB

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We are in the process of having our 9yo, homeschooled ds evaluated for multiple issues. Sensory issues, speech and lang. eval. and also with a neuropsychologist. The more I read, the more I think he is on the Autism Spectrum somewhere, perhaps Aspergers.

My question is: How do you implement rules of behavior? He has a very, very difficult time sharing. I realize much of that comes from the way his brain is processing things, and that he is very particular about his possessions, and also that he obsesses about germs (so, in theory, someone using his things could possibly spread germs to him).

However, it's hard to know what to do, as Christian parents. We have 3 other children whom we require to share. If they have a very special item or toy, they can put it away and keep it to themselves. But if it's out and about, they share reciprocally. But with 9yo ds, of course, it's a HUGE issue.

What would some suggestions be that you might have? I'm beginning to dread others asking him to share because it inevitably leads to a meltdown on his part and to cries of "foul" on the other's part. He has so many meltdowns some days about things (his cookie broke, someone touched his plate or glass, someone was treated "more" fairly than he was, etc) and I am realizing I don't know how to handle these things. I think when he was younger I just brushed it off as immature, childish behavior. As he ages, I realize he's not growing out of these "stages." It's also hard in public.... Of course people think he's spoiled....
 

vespasia

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The first thing you need to know is what is going on for your son. You are clearly doing all you can to support him by having him evaluated to find out what causes him difficulties and what can help him.
ASDs are characterised by a 'triad if imapirments' and each individual is affected in their own way in each of the triads.

Some children with ASD cannot tell 'ownership' . One lad I have worked with thinks anything that gets into his hands is therefore his.
It may be necessary to work out a clear coded system that works for him to 'tag' property in your home. This is best done with the support of a speech therapst who specialises in communication disorders. the code used needs to be one that makes sense to your son and that can be trail and error to find.

Your three other children understand sharing as a concept so can implement it. Your other son cannot rather than will not.

I think if you have not done so already that it is vital to chat with your other children about their brother. They will know he is 'differant' and may need your permission to really talk about their worries and concerns about this with you. Children who know thir parents are concerned about a sibling tend to do their best to protect their parents from their worries just as much as parents try to protect their other children. For example if you are able to admit you find some of the things he does difficult and you can see he makes some things difficult for them and you have asked other people o help you all to come up with ideas to help (your son) and to make everyones life less stressful. Ask them if they have any ideas of when he gets upset or angry or if they have any tips or ideas they can share with you that they found helpful to deal with him. Children can have some very good ideas that adults never thought about.
It is okay for them to suggest extreme punishment ; that is normal for children who feel something is 'unfair' its best meet clamly with 'I can see why you might like to do that to your brother but if Christ was here what might he suggest to us to help him?'

I guess the best thing to do is explain that some children take longer to learn than others. Most children painfully learn about sharing as toddlers but a child with ASD does not have the social skills to learn with.

As for the meltdown points you mentioned.

Sharing is not something he can do not something he refuses to do. Its an area of developmental delay that may take months or years to even begin to work out. Social stories can help and again this is something to chat to a speech therapsit about as they can help you to work out where your son is rather than where he could be if he had not got ASD type difficulties.
This is not an area to make a stand on at this point in time it will simply distress all of you and you need advice on how to tackle this from the evaluation of his skills and weaknesses.

A cookie breaking does not sound major to most but to someone with ASD this is catastrophic somehing that should be no longer is; you know it is still a cookie he does NOT, cookies are perfect circles or other shapes they do not have 'broken' bits. He could be distressed because the cookie is now a 'not a cookie' and he cannot cope that his round cookie has gone and a not cookie is there instead.

If you touch his glass or plate can he be sure it is still his. It could now belong to the person who touched it and where now is his plate and glass. That can be pretty scary for a kid especially if they cannot tell you why they are screaming.

fair is another minefield. they expect everyone to be reated EXACTLY the same, you should therefore speak to the policeman, the teaher, the pastor, ypur friend, your husband and your children in the SAME way or it is NOT fair. These kids cannot treat differant people differantly and they cannot see why or how others do.

Yes this is 'immature behaviour' the difficulties these kids face make 'mauring skills' they have very difficult and impossible for skills they hav not been born with.
Your right he has not grown out these stages yet and it may need you to allow him to be 'younger' for longer than the others because it will take him longer to gain the skills the others found easy.

ASD is called a hidden disability because it is hidden. One mum I know with a very difficult ASD chidl used to cope by turning to 'concerned' members of the public who voiced what they would do with 'Actually I am his carer'.
Another had 'buisness cards' printed like this one http://www.autism.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=522 printed taht she handed out to anyone and evryone when her sons kicked off.

Hope that helps you feel less alone.

May God bless you in caring for your son with what you need as a family.
 
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NicoleB76

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I'm in a similar situation right now. My son is 8 and being evaluated for Aspergers. He has a twin sister and another sister 18 months older than him. It's obvious t hat my daughters realize that he's different than them and really tend to look out for him. Of course I still hear my favorite saying "It's not fair!" a lot. I've held off on giving my daughters anything other than his brain seems to work and learn a bit different than theirs until I have a diagnosis and can tell them specifics.
 
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missmsdancearama

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It must be reallyhard for you to handle. I hope you have a lot of help with 3 kids. I know a family of 5 kids and they have 3 that have autism. All at different levels of autism. Im a member of our local chapter so I can give my daughter some info I get from the meetings each month because she doesn't have a support group close to her.
 
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