New Christian needs advice.

Wabbit · Nov 16, 2010

Hi everyone!!!!!!! I feel comfortable asking fellow Christians because I know you will not judge me.

I just recently became serious about my religion and am getting baptized soon. I know that when I am baptized I want to do the very best I can to do God's will and not KNOWINGLY sin. Like sex and lying. My boyfriend and I have been going out for about 1.5 years and we have had sex. He was my first however I was not a virgin because I was sexually abused for 3 years as a child. I talked to him about me not sinning and not having sex anymore and he said that he thought it was "beautiful" but he's been making sarcastic side comments that makes me think that he's not okay with it. He is a Christian (baptized) also but he says that since you sin knowingly and unknowingly on a day to day bases anyway and you ask God to forgive you for ALL your sins everynight that it's okay. I am a little confused about his theory. I love him and he has great qualities but he doesn't want to get married for AT LEAST another 4 years and I am not sure he will be supportive.
Have any of you ladies or gentlemen been a born again virgin in a relationship that was once sexual? How did it work out? Thanks!

Aibrean · Nov 16, 2010

He is using forgiveness as an excuse to sin, which is so TERRIBLY wrong! I'm so glad you have the insight to sense his deception. It sounds like he just wants to get you back in bed and you need to put your foot down. If he can't wait for marriage, it's time to move on.

Hebrews 10:26a said:
If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left

Wabbit · Nov 16, 2010

Aibrean said:
He is using forgiveness as an excuse to sin, which is so TERRIBLY wrong! I'm so glad you have the insight to sense his deception. It sounds like he just wants to get you back in bed and you need to put your foot down. If he can't wait for marriage, it's time to move on.

Thanks for responding Aibrean and thank you for being understanding.

My boyfriend also says that he has his own relationship with God and he and God has some sort of "agreement"<- not his exact words but the gist of it. That's why I'm a little confused because who am I to question's someone else's relationship with God? But I do know that God does not want us to sin. I am so confused and I will continue to pray about this still.

P.S. I love your frankness. That's what I need in my life right now. No sugar coating!

Aibrean · Nov 16, 2010

If he read the Bible he would know that he shouldn't do something that causes others to sin. Even though sex outside of marriage is obviously sinful, he's probably in denial about it because God would never agree to letting us sin. If he did, Jesus wouldn't have needed to die on the cross. Sin is a barrier to God, it's the opposite of him.

You aren't. He is wanting you to jeopardize YOUR relationship with God.

Wabbit · Nov 16, 2010

Thank you so much. I understand that pre-marital sex is a sin and I now turn my head away. If he loves me as much as he says he does, he will wait for eternity...after all we won't be having sex in heaven so he must love me for who I am.

I will pray for him to be enlightened and I will pray for our relationship.

Doing my part and handing things over to God is much more simpler than I thought!

SharonL · Nov 16, 2010

To clear up the confusion. It is not a matter of his belief, it is a matter of making excuses to continue his lifestyle. God would not say one thing in the Bible and turn around and make a deal with one of His children.

It is a hard decision and the one thing that holds young people away from God.

I know with my age of 75 you will think I don't understand. But believe me, I fought for my rights when young. It was the thing to do back then - but now the morals have become watered down until it is not the general rule of thumb, but the exception.

And believe me, you will be an exception and one to be respected.

Your boyfriend has no reason to plan a marriage - he is getting every benefit marriage offers right now.

In my young days, I broke up with a young man for this reason, finding out later - the girl he married, he moved her in with his mother, had many health problems and died a young death - this was not God's choice for me and if you turn your life around and do as God would have you and let the Holy Spirit lead you - you will not be led in the wrong direction.

He may threaten, may even break it off for awhile - but I'll grant you his respect will grow for you and if this is the man God has for you - will return with a new relationship.

You will know what direction you should go in, when peace surrounds the decision, you have made the right one.

Aibrean · Nov 16, 2010

Wabbit, by the way, I'm aware you already had sex with him. God forgives you for that if you repent so don't eat yourself up over it. You should be making the change to step away from sin before you get baptized.

This passage gives me great comfort (from 1 Corinthians:6:

neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality,nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed,you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God

Also Luther's quote,

We will commit sins while we are here, for this life is not a place where justice resides. We, however, says Peter [2 Peter 3:13] are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth where justice will reign.

It suffices that through God's glory we have recognized the Lamb who takes away the sin of the world.

No sin can separate us from Him, even if we were to kill or commit adultery thousands of times each day. Do you think such an exalted Lamb paid merely a small price with a meager sacrifice for our sins?

chilehed · Nov 16, 2010

Wabbit said:
Thanks for responding Aibrean and thank you for being understanding.

My boyfriend also says that he has his own relationship with God and he and God has some sort of "agreement"<- not his exact words but the gist of it. That's why I'm a little confused because who am I to question's someone else's relationship with God? But I do know that God does not want us to sin. I am so confused and I will continue to pray about this still.

P.S. I love your frankness. That's what I need in my life right now. No sugar coating!

Dump that chump, he's not worthy of you.

Tell him that you have an agreement with God as well, and the agreement is that you'll let Christ turn you into a new creation, one who refuses to intentionally do anything that Christ wouldn't want you to do. Remember, we're called to chastity because it's good for us! He's pressuring you do do something which is gravely sinful, and that kind of guy isn't someone you want to marry.

He's rejecting the grace that Christ calls us to, and rationalizing his destructive behavior.

DUMP THAT CHUMP!

Wabbit · Nov 16, 2010

Thank you so much to chilehead and SharonL for your advice and support.

I am so happy that God has come into my life now because throughout our relationship I have found my boyfriend to be very self-righteous, oppressing, and very full of himself. I cannot believe that my first love happened to be like my step father (who was also my sexual abuser) and wants me to damn my soul for his satisfaction. I am, as a matter of fact, very disgusted and very hurt. He is a wonderful guy overall which is why I am staying to try and convince him that he is wrong and not I but the Word is right. I know that if he continues to make these side comments ( indirect pressuring in my opinion) or if he cheats on me, he is not being very supportive of me and does not respect me and that this relationship is not meant to be and God has something better in store for me.

I have another question (for everyone). I had a child as a result of my sexual abuse from my step father and he is now 4 going on 40 . I do not believe in abortion which is why I had him and he happened to be my angel because DNA evidence put my step father in jail. How can I come to forgive my step father? I have tried many times to forgive him and I thought I did but I still feel no "weight off of my shoulders". Do you have any Scriptures and words of wisdom?

SharonL · Nov 16, 2010

I am afraid I cannot answer that question as I have not walked in your shoes - that is a big one. I am so proud of you for giving life to that precious baby - he will bring you many Blessings.

I only want to tell you one thing - I carried around what I thought was 'unforgiveness' also I tried and tried and never felt release - I posted it on here and one answer set me free of what I thought was unforgiveness - this person said that maybe it was not unforgiveness that I needed release from, but just the fact that I was done wrong recognized. - That ministered to me and I was able to walk out from under that heavy unforgiveness which I thought I had.

I have a friend who had the same problem with her father - I will get her to write a few lines about how she was able to forgive.

Just keep posting, someone who has walked in your shoes will touch you in some way.

chilehed · Nov 16, 2010

Wabbit said:
...I am so happy that God has come into my life now because throughout our relationship I have found my boyfriend to be very self-righteous, oppressing, and very full of himself. I cannot believe that my first love happened to be like my step father (who was also my sexual abuser) and wants me to @#!*% my soul for his satisfaction. I am, as a matter of fact, very disgusted and very hurt. He is a wonderful guy overall...

My dear, the person you've described is a creep. He's very, very far from being a wonderful guy. Dump him... not in anger.. but firmly and decisively nonetheless: tell him that he's not good for you and that it's over, then walk away and don't look back.

Wabbit said:
I have another question (for everyone). I had a child as a result of my sexual abuse from my step father and he is now 4 going on 40 . I do not believe in abortion which is why I had him and he happened to be my angel because DNA evidence put my step father in jail. How can I come to forgive my step father? I have tried many times to forgive him and I thought I did but I still feel no "weight off of my shoulders". Do you have any Scriptures and words of wisdom?

On your own you can't forgive him at all, at least not on your own power. But with the grace that Christ wishes to pour into you, it can be done. Don't try to rely on yourself - cast yourself every moment into Christ's care and ask him to make you into the image of himself that he wishes you to be. Pray for your stepfather every time you think of him, asking God to bring him to the joy of knowing Jesus and for the grace to forgive him as Christ has forgiven you.

See what happens then, in God's time.

Wabbit · Nov 17, 2010

chilehed said:
My dear, the person you've described is a creep. He's very, very far from being a wonderful guy. Dump him... not in anger.. but firmly and decisively nonetheless: tell him that he's not good for you and that it's over, then walk away and don't look back.

On your own you can't forgive him at all, at least not on your own power. But with the grace that Christ wishes to pour into you, it can be done. Don't try to rely on yourself - cast yourself every moment into Christ's care and ask him to make you into the image of himself that he wishes you to be. Pray for your stepfather every time you think of him, asking God to bring him to the joy of knowing Jesus and for the grace to forgive him as Christ has forgiven you.

See what happens then, in God's time.

We are taking a break as of yesterday! He seemed hurt because I guess it was a bit unexpected...but hopefully now he knows I mean business!

~Amped88~ · Nov 17, 2010

Good for you Wabbit and good luck to you. I will pray for you today, and I believe you are taking the right steps to become closer to God!

chilehed · Nov 18, 2010

Wabbit said:
We are taking a break as of yesterday! He seemed hurt because I guess it was a bit unexpected...but hopefully now he knows I mean business!

I'm glad you're distancing from him... but you asked us to not sugar-coat anything so I won't.

It sounds to me like you've still got a foot in the door. He won't know you mean business unless you decide to never see him again, and you won't mean business unless you do. He's not going to change as long as he thinks he can find someone who might put up with his nonsense, and it's not your job to try to change him - that will only get you hurt. Unless you make a definitive break he's just gonna act different long enough to reel you in again.

Your attachment to him is clouding your judgement. You wonder why your first love is so much like your stepfather... maybe the reason might be that you haven't healed from that abuse. You have unfinished business with him, and so you're attracted to guys like him. Happens all the time...sounds to me like you need to do some intense work in counseling before getting involved in an emotional relationship.

There are a couple of 12-step fellowships for survivors of incest, which might also help. Google "survivors of incest anonymous".

JudgeEden · Nov 18, 2010

Way to go for not aborting your baby, I am really happy for you. Your baby will grow to be a very good boy im sure. As for forgiveness, ask God to give you the strength to forgive if you feel you cant. That's what I did.

heron · Nov 19, 2010

Good bravery for standing your ground. What you said about his similarities was important, maybe more important than his imagined deal with God.

It is normal to fall into the same patterns with other people after being abused. You are accustomed to being treated a certain way, so the relationship would feel comfortable. You already know how to manage it.

But you are growing and strengthening. You are in charge of another human being, so have probably built up some confidence in stopping people from doing things (like climbing out of high chairs and pulling cats' tails). Having a child is so hard on your own, especially under those circumstances. But I'll bet you have become stronger in the last few years.

Move on. If he is self-absorbed, then he is not going to be as much help as you would wish. You need to use this time to work on fending off oppressors, and raising your son.

Forgiving... the person does not deserve forgiveness. But for your sake, it's good to put it behind you. Otherwise your brain will use up valuable time and energy trying to make sense of it, and there was no sense.

In the Old Testament, criminals were removed, not rehabilitated. The New Testament message brought second chances for people, but the standards are still there -- your abuser was wrong, without question.

Wabbit · Nov 19, 2010

chilehed said:
I'm glad you're distancing from him... but you asked us to not sugar-coat anything so I won't.

It sounds to me like you've still got a foot in the door. He won't know you mean business unless you decide to never see him again, and you won't mean business unless you do. He's not going to change as long as he thinks he can find someone who might put up with his nonsense, and it's not your job to try to change him - that will only get you hurt. Unless you make a definitive break he's just gonna act different long enough to reel you in again.

Your attachment to him is clouding your judgement. You wonder why your first love is so much like your stepfather... maybe the reason might be that you haven't healed from that abuse. You have unfinished business with him, and so you're attracted to guys like him. Happens all the time...sounds to me like you need to do some intense work in counseling before getting involved in an emotional relationship.

There are a couple of 12-step fellowships for survivors of incest, which might also help. Google "survivors of incest anonymous".

Thank you being honest with me. We are officially not together anymore. I just needed time away from him to think thoroughly and I made the decision to break up...permanently.Right now, I'm a little upset but I know there are nice Christian men out there so until then I'm focused on finishing college (my 3rd yr!) and making sure my son doesn't grow up around bad male influences. Thanks so much!

P.S. I hope this doesn't sound awkward but it really helped that you were a man telling me this. I really appreciate the time you took out to give me guidance.

Wabbit · Nov 19, 2010

JudgeEden said:
Way to go for not aborting your baby, I am really happy for you. Your baby will grow to be a very good boy im sure. As for forgiveness, ask God to give you the strength to forgive if you feel you cant. That's what I did.

Thank you. My family is very supportive and there was no way I could give him up. I had to see the little booger who was kicking me. I had to go through a lot through my pregnancy. I was only 15 and of course kids at school had something to say all the time. It was not easy, but I definitely made the right decision.

Wabbit · Nov 19, 2010

heron said:
Good bravery for standing your ground. What you said about his similarities was important, maybe more important than his imagined deal with God.

It is normal to fall into the same patterns with other people after being abused. You are accustomed to being treated a certain way, so the relationship would feel comfortable. You already know how to manage it.

But you are growing and strengthening. You are in charge of another human being, so have probably built up some confidence in stopping people from doing things (like climbing out of high chairs and pulling cats' tails). Having a child is so hard on your own, especially under those circumstances. But I'll bet you have become stronger in the last few years.

Move on. If he is self-absorbed, then he is not going to be as much help as you would wish. You need to use this time to work on fending off oppressors, and raising your son.

Forgiving... the person does not deserve forgiveness. But for your sake, it's good to put it behind you. Otherwise your brain will use up valuable time and energy trying to make sense of it, and there was no sense.

In the Old Testament, criminals were removed, not rehabilitated. The New Testament message brought second chances for people, but the standards are still there -- your abuser was wrong, without question.

And I thought I would not be one of those women...and I turned out to be! I'm glad I found out now instead of when I'm older and married to a man like my step-father. Thank you.

chilehed · Nov 19, 2010

Wabbit said:
Thank you being honest with me. We are officially not together anymore. I just needed time away from him to think thoroughly and I made the decision to break up...permanently.Right now, I'm a little upset but I know there are nice Christian men out there so until then I'm focused on finishing college (my 3rd yr!) and making sure my son doesn't grow up around bad male influences. Thanks so much!

It's a difficult decision, and I'm proud of you. There are indeed worthy men out there, just focus on becoming the woman God wants you to be and letting him heal you so you won't be attracted to the kind of man I used to be. Let him bring his man to you in his time.

3rd year, huh? Excellent...very full plate.

Wabbit said:
P.S. I hope this doesn't sound awkward but it really helped that you were a man telling me this. I really appreciate the time you took out to give me guidance.

Not awkward at all... I'm just humbled that I can be of service. May God richly bless you.

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