Never had a girlfriend

KeilCoppes · Jan 27, 2004

iklepac13 said:
You know Keil, I basically got crucified in the Member's Photo section for not being able to say this as well as you did. I feel the same way, only the way I said it was more like a sledge hammer than a tap on the shoulder.

Thanks - though, if you wait long enough, you may see me get a dose myself!
I'm still learning daily how to put things, and the memory of the taste of shoe leather is not all that long gone. :^)

It was a big help about ten years ago when a chaplain friend of my father's showed me that you can be kind, gentle, principled, considerate, and _very_ strong all at the same time. If you ever met him, you'd know that Commander Needham was not a weak man or in any way a pushover. In fact, he's a hard man to say no to, even the more so when he's being gentle - it's like trying to stop the wind from the sea. It doesn't have to be a hurricane or tear things apart in order for you to know it has a great strength behind it.

Coupling principle with tact, kindness and gentleness does not seem to be much prized, and common courtesy can be pretty uncommon, even among those who profess to be Christians. That's not to say that disagreeing or correction is wrong, but the way in which we do so is very important. Flames are often much more popular and self-gratifying.

Those who handle themselves as considerate and confident, yet humble, true and self-possessed men and women of faith and principle - now that's impressive! (That's a standard for both men and women can strive for!)

-kc

------
"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you" Eph 4:30-31

Onwardclimb · Jan 27, 2004

Just to raise a few thoughts along the biblical line suggested - what about Isaac & Jacob? In the case of Isaac, Abraham sent someone seeking for him.

No, Abraham sent his servant "to get/to find" NOT to "seek".

In the case of Jacob, his parents sent him on a trip, not only to get him out of danger, but also to find a wife. Yes, there was providence, but it seems there was at least some activity involved beyond just waiting out in the fields watching the clouds and hanging out with the sheep...

No "activity" was taken without what I believe was devinely inspired instruction.

You might also add in the case of Ruth, where she chased down Boaz...

..BUT Ruth didN'T follow her mother in law for the sole purpose of "seeking" out a mate/Boaz. The action she took in regards to getting Boaz was following her mom-in-law's explicit instructions (which I also believe were devinely inspired by our Soveriegn God).

For the most part, though, I understand that it tended to be arranged marriages, usually parent arranged. I don't know quite how that would go over in this culture, where everyone seems to run from their parents as fast as they can go.

-kc

That's sad, I've noticed that people run from parents too . I tend to look at those examples differently though. I don't look at it so much as being arranged marriages etc... I see it as God's soveriegn hand bringing two people together.

Notice how in those cases that the finding of a spouse was NOT done until someone recieved instruction to take action. I am TOTALLY and COMPLETELY AGAINST not waiting on God and/or seeking a mate or anything other than God unless of course you want an Ishmael (Gen 16, I think)!!!!!!

Bookman,
your posts are AMAZING, ring with the truth, & have helped to encourage my soul as I wait on HIM!!!!!!!!!!! ***MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE HUGGLES***

Chico,
I am in the same position as you. I have never had a boyfriend. Just major crushes and boys/men who claim they like me, then do NOTHING to back it up--kinda makes you wonder how true it is, huh? Anywho, just continue to seek after GOD, NOT a wife etc... BUT GOD!!!! DON'T think --although its tempting--that the answers to all your problems/your loneliness can be found in a woman, just trust HIM and get busy seeking HIM NOT things/people and I FIRMLY believe that as He said in His word, "...all these things will be added unto you." TRUST HIM and follow His lead!!!!!!!!! If God's got someone for you she'll be well worth the wait. PLEASE stay with Him and trust that God's timing is PERFECT--like HIM.

God bless you!

YSIC,
Onwardclimb

wvmtnkid · Jan 27, 2004

iklepac13 said:
Right, I just want to clarify that the "stupidity" I was referring to is inherrant in the attraction, not the women themselves. I can see where my comment may have been misinterpretted.

<----me

I seem to be making things worse. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. I knew you didn't mean that women were stupid. I was just trying to point out that like to guys it seems that girls go for the guys that treat them like jerks and not the nice ones, to girls it seems that guys go for the "easy" girls and not the nice ones. Both sides see it differently sometimes. It isn't just a guy problem or a girl problem. Both genders do this.

Have I sufficiently dug outta my hole, yet?

No need to be sorry, iklepac. I knew what you were getting at. Sometimes this type of conversation has a way of turning into female bashing or male bashing. I was just trying to head that off by pointing out both genders do this.

Guess my pro-active moderating skills need some work! :o

Spicy McHaggis · Jan 27, 2004

wvmtnkid said:
Have I sufficiently dug outta my hole, yet?

You were never in a hole in my eyes. Actually, my further clarification wasn't directed at you, but I did use your post as a jumping off point to hoepfully prevent someone else from misundestanding what I said and turning this into the gender war you're trying to prevent.

So really, you and I should stop apologizing to eachother because I think we're both on the same page.

wvmtnkid · Jan 27, 2004

iklepac13 said:
So really, you and I should stop apologizing to eachother because I think we're both on the same page.

lol! Consider it done. Maybe we should gang up on Stray Bullet since he started this!

I do think the confidence conversation has a lot of merit. I have noticed that guys with confidence are very attractive. But don't confuse confidence with arrogance. There is a difference. I think arrogance is a big turn off. But confidence on the other hand, is simply being comfortable with who you are and where you are in life. Well, at least that is part of it.

Stanfi · Jan 27, 2004

wvmtnkid said:
I do think the confidence conversation has a lot of merit. I have noticed that guys with confidence are very attractive. But don't confuse confidence with arrogance. There is a difference. I think arrogance is a big turn off. But confidence on the other hand, is simply being comfortable with who you are and where you are in life. Well, at least that is part of it.

*mrstace takes pen and writes this down. Then thinks to himself "This is really good stuff!"*

DJ B.K. · Jan 27, 2004

To think I feel kinda weird not ever having a g/f or going on a date and I'm only 18!

Newsboy1900 · Jan 27, 2004

dont feel werid -_-

Spicy McHaggis · Jan 27, 2004

wvmtnkid said:
But don't confuse confidence with arrogance. There is a difference. I think arrogance is a big turn off. But confidence on the other hand, is simply being comfortable with who you are and where you are in life. Well, at least that is part of it.

I think this may be my biggest character flaw. My confidence is up there, and many people mistake that for arrogance. I wouldn't want to be anybody but myself.

Once they get to know me a straighten them out though...

Breetai · Jan 27, 2004

I just turned 24 and it seems that everyone around me has someone special, and I look at my life and I've never had a girlfriend my entire life. I don't think I'm ugly but I think I look average. I have wondered if something was wrong with me. Girls have shown interests in me sometimes, or I think anyways but I can never know. I have tried before but girls don't see b/f material in me or something. Do I have a flawed character trait that I can't see but others can? I try to be very unassuming and friendly to everyone. I am a little shy and don't always have the smoothest lines or conversations with girls. At times I feel like a pathetic human because because I've never had a girl friend, maybe I'm incapable of holding a relationship with a female and ever being able to express love. Other parts of my life are fine but I"m just an idiot when it comes to love. Can some offer me any advice on being a better person and tips on how take things further from a casual friendship to a couple?

Chino, I feel the same as you. I have had girlfriends before and plenty of dates, but I've never been able to hold on to anyone. They all leave and I wonder just what the heck is wrong with me. Just like you, I often feel pathetic because I can never hold on to anyone. Sometimes you just have to fail a few times before you get it right. Maybe you'll luck out and find the right girl the first time. I think the best way is to pray about it, let God handle things.

As for the party girls, God bless and keep them far away from me (they often seem to be disasters waiting to happen). It's the normal nice girls that are great (and rare).

That was definety (and still might be ) my biggest problem. I usually keep the nice girls as friends and go for the party girls. You're right KeilCoppes, they are often disasters. I think that those nice girls often miss out because they are too shy to express how they feel about a guy. The 'party girls' know how to get a guys attention. They flirt in just the right way to let me know that they are game. Later I end up regretting my decision to go out with that girl because she's gotten bored with me and has moved on to the next guy. I don't think a nice girl would do that.

Chino, I think that you just have to be patient and wait for a nice girl. When you meet one and want to go for it, hang out with her. Do things that are fun and get her laughing. Laughing and/or smiling is good. If she's comfortable around you(you can tell by the way she acts, ie. laughing/smiling), then don't hide your feelings. Let her know that you like her.

I hope that might help a little.

wvmtnkid · Jan 27, 2004

iklepac13 said:
I think this may be my biggest character flaw. My confidence is up there, and many people mistake that for arrogance. I wouldn't want to be anybody but myself.

Once they get to know me a straighten them out though...

Usually getting to know someone helps distinguish between confidence and arrogance. So hopefully, once all those swooning girls get to know ya, they will see the confident, self assured ikelpac and not the arrogant iklepac, huh?

wvmtnkid · Jan 27, 2004

Breetai said:
I think that those nice girls often miss out because they are too shy to express how they feel about a guy. The 'party girls' know how to get a guys attention. They flirt in just the right way to let me know that they are game. Later I end up regretting my decision to go out with that girl because she's gotten bored with me and has moved on to the next guy. I don't think a nice girl would do that.

This makes a lot of sense to me. And I think it also applies to males. I am that "nice girl". I think you are on to something, Breetai. Or at least it clicked with me!

Breetai · Jan 27, 2004

I think I'm on to something.

To be honest, there is a nice Christian girl that I would like to go out with. She has never had a boyfriend and is super nice to me. Occasionally she'll be a little flirty with me; she'll show me how strong her muscles are from playing basketball and just be plain sweet to me. She has even told me that she thinks I'm like the apostle Paul(!) . I'll remember that one for a while!

Anyway, I've had three girlfriends in the time since I've known her (2-3 years) and they've all been 'party girls'. Latey I have been hanging out with this nice girl and her room-mate (sledding, swimming, etc.). She usually seems a little distant when I'm around her, but every now and then she will do something flirty. I think that she probably does like me, but she's intimidated/cautious around me. Maybe this is due to my former partying habits.

The thing about this girl is.....is that I'm almost forcing myself to like her. It's the kind of girl that I need , but not the kind of girl that I want. I want the party girl. I desire the party girl, but I don't need the party girl. Party girls, like KeilCoppes said, "often seem to be disasters waiting to happen".

Maybe that is at least part of your troubles Chino. Just like I want the party girl; girls want the cocky, confident and fun party guy. They make horrible boyfriends, just like party girls make horrible girlfriends, but that is the type of boy/girlfriend that most people want.

I say that you should stay true to yourself and to God. Don't change yourself for any girl. Someday an sweet girl is going to get her head on straight and realize just how awesome you are. This thread has shown that people even older than you have been waiting even longer for someone to come into their lives. Don't give up! Remain patient and she'll come along soon enough.

Chino · Jan 27, 2004

Breetai said:
I think I'm on to something.

To be honest, there is a nice Christian girl that I would like to go out with. She has never had a boyfriend and is super nice to me. Occasionally she'll be a little flirty with me; she'll show me how strong her muscles are from playing basketball and just be plain sweet to me. She has even told me that she thinks I'm like the apostle Paul(!) . I'll remember that one for a while!

Anyway, I've had three girlfriends in the time since I've known her (2-3 years) and they've all been 'party girls'. Latey I have been hanging out with this nice girl and her room-mate (sledding, swimming, etc.). She usually seems a little distant when I'm around her, but every now and then she will do something flirty. I think that she probably does like me, but she's intimidated/cautious around me. Maybe this is due to my former partying habits.

The thing about this girl is.....is that I'm almost forcing myself to like her. It's the kind of girl that I need , but not the kind of girl that I want. I want the party girl. I desire the party girl, but I don't need the party girl. Party girls, like KeilCoppes said, "often seem to be disasters waiting to happen".

Maybe that is at least part of your troubles Chino. Just like I want the party girl; girls want the cocky, confident and fun party guy. They make horrible boyfriends, just like party girls make horrible girlfriends, but that is the type of boy/girlfriend that most people want.

I say that you should stay true to yourself and to God. Don't change yourself for any girl. Someday an sweet girl is going to get her head on straight and realize just how awesome you are. This thread has shown that people even older than you have been waiting even longer for someone to come into their lives. Don't give up! Remain patient and she'll come along soon enough.

That girl is showing you some signs, if I were you I would ask her out already. I wish I could just have a relationship like that with girls, I have a few female friends but they are never that friendly.

There was a girl in one of my college classes that I swear was giving me looks. She would look at me and do that thing that girls do with their hair while the prof lectured very frequently. I could feel her eyes looking back at me when I sat behind her and she would always talk to me in a friendly manner. I finally asked her out at the end of the quarter but she said she was busy so I thought I'd just give up, things like this confuse me. I thought she was interested, act on it and then she's busy.

Breetai, I had a few party girl friends back home and they're cool to hang around but most of them are very short term minded. They just look forward to the next party or boy toy. I've had opportunities to use them but I could never bring myself to such a low level that just cared about my physical satisfaction. I just want a normal, sweet, innocent, smart chick.

KeilCoppes · Jan 28, 2004

Breetai said:
I say that you should stay true to yourself and to God. Don't change yourself for any girl. Someday an sweet girl is going to get her head on straight and realize just how awesome you are. This thread has shown that people even older than you have been waiting even longer for someone to come into their lives. Don't give up!

Amen! And don't let anyone give you grief about being too picky! It's much better to be unmarried than badly married!

(and a choice heresy on this forum - But... don't wait forever to become available. Look while there are more people out there. If you don't, you may find yourself well educated, well heeled, well skilled, set up for life, and find out just about everyone is already married! )

-kc

(oh, and about the Paul thing - make sure you don't start speaking in sentences longer than a page!)

-----
"They're attacking us, Exedor.... But why are they using such primitive weapons!?" --- Cdr Breetai, Zentraedi Space Navy
"They're using strategy on us, guys... But I don't get it!" --- kc

Breetai · Jan 28, 2004

KeilCoppes! I didn't notice your sig. before! It's my new favorite sig. of anyone on this board! Wait a minute, that isn't really a sig. Oh well, I still like it! I find it funny.

Breetai, I had a few party girl friends back home and they're cool to hang around but most of them are very short term minded. They just look forward to the next party or boy toy.

Chino, don't you eeeeever try and make one of those girls your girlfriend. They will break your heart.

As for that girl I was talking about, I really get the impression that she likes me and doesn't want a boyfriend right now. Then again, girls are crazy, so I really have no idea what she wants. I do intend to make her my friend. Being a friend in Christ first is the best foundation for any kind of relationship.

As for the Paul thing, I have no intention of writing a page long sentance...maybe just half a page . I think that she was seeing that I am beginning to turn my life around and spread the gospel, just like Paul did after he was blinded. At least that's what I hope that she meant.

Chino, girls are always "busy". They are just testing you to see how badly you want to go out with them(unless she actually has a boyfrriend, or you forgot to shower that day). If you keep pursuing her, she'll probably find some time for you. The key is, once she starts to like you, to make yourself scarce. That way she'll be wondering what you're doing and instead of you going after her, she'll be going after you! It works like a charm(I did learn a thing or two while dating party girls).

JillLars · Jan 28, 2004

Chino, girls are always "busy". They are just testing you to see how badly you want to go out with them. If you keep pursuing her, she'll probably find some time for you. The key is, once she starts to like you, to make yourself scarce. That way she'll be wondering what you're doing and instead of you going after her, she'll be going after you! It works like a charm(I did learn a thing or two while dating party girls).

IMHO, this type of game-playing is not the trait of a mature person. I have never had much time for people who play games, and I try not to mess around with other people either. If you enjoy that then great, but personally, I would steer clear of girls who play games like this, not all girls do this, just the immature/insecure ones.

Dawn Marie · Jan 28, 2004

Tony W said:
No kidding. Seems like every girl I've gone out with has left me for some jerk bag.

My female friends always seem to go for the bad guys. The arrogant, selfish, abusive, cheating types. I never understood that. What are they thinking?

I've got a good guy though.

Breetai · Jan 28, 2004

Jill, you're right. I still have a lot to learn myself. I'm surprised that you didn't ream me out for suggesting to play games right back. That is exactly what I did. The terrible thing is that it works. Most people don't even know that they are playing these 'games', but they do. I've noticed it in girl after girl. It's a natural instinct. If I didn't foolishly pursue these girls, I would be blissfully ignorant that everyone plays 'games', whether they know it or not. People should be honest with each other about their feelings. If they can't do that, then they aren't really ready to date.

wvmtnkid · Jan 28, 2004

Wow, there is so much dating advice and wisdom in this thread!

I hope this is what you were after Chino and I hope it is helping. I think you should be commended for sticking to your values and not taking those opportunities to give into situations that, at the moment, may have provided for some fun, but you know were not the right thing to do. That shows character. And that is a good quality to possess.

As for the girl that you thought was interested, did you ever think that maybe she really was busy? Maybe you gave up too easy. Now if she continued to be busy, then that probably meant she wasn't really interested. But, she didn't tell you in no uncertain terms not to ask her out again. Maybe she got scared, too. Who knows? I'll admit, we girls do things sometimes we don't even understand.

And I have to agree with JillLars on the playing games. Do yourself a favor and don't. If you are interested, let them know you are interested. If you are not, let them know this too. Life is too short to play games with your feelings and someone else's. Plus it isn't very fair. And I would stay away from girls who just want to play with your feelings. I can't stand to see someone being manipulated in a relationship. I don't think that is the way we should treat each other.

And lastly, KeilCoppes makes a wise statment in that it is better to be single then in a bad marriage. Actually there are several Proverbs that say this very thing, though I can't remember them right off hand. Be picky! Don't compromise. That "normal, sweet, innocent, smart chick" is out there, probably praying for someone like you to come into her life!

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