Negative self-talk, and how to answer it

[LovebirdsFlying]

I'm really, really bad about negative self-talk. As a person with depression and PTSD, yes it's true that everything I say to myself has pretty much been said to me by others, at some point in my past, and therefore it isn't all coming right from me. However just because someone else, or even several someone elses, may have said it to me before doesn't mean it's true.

Today my anxiety level was really high. I had an appointment to go to, but driving a car, in and of itself, is anxiety-producing for me. With my anxious feelings already up over the moon, I felt that driving would have sent me into a full panic, and that would have been dangerous. So I had my husband drop me off instead, on his way to work.

Well, he works as a bus driver, so by sheer coincidence, when I went to get on the bus and go home after the appointment, guess who the driver was. And he was doing the route that goes right by our house. So, not only did he take me to my appointment, but he ended up giving me a lift home too.

When I sat down, a gentleman in the next seat began what started out as a friendly conversation. It very quickly became apparent that he was looking for a date, and of course I was not interested. The man was slurring his words and was slightly unsteady on his feet. Either he was intoxicated, although it seemed somewhat early in the day for that, or he's had a stroke, or there is something else wrong with him. After he got a bit too friendly too soon, I flashed my wedding ring at him and told him I already have a husband and I'm not interested in this conversation. He groaned and turned away from me and didn't say another word until he got off the bus. Good. I didn't point out to him that my husband was in fact driving the bus, but if he had kept on, I would have. Not sure whether hubby would have responded as driver or as husband, but maybe either one would have been interesting.

OK, so my thoughts went like, "He's obviously not right in his head, so naturally he went after me. Of course. Why else would he?" This thought goes back to those old messages. All the way back to my teen years, I recall pointing out to my family that a certain young man had expressed interest in me, and right away my brother jumped in with a tactless, "Yeah, well he's brain damaged," in the same tone of voice he always used when he was zinging me with a put-down. I took it that my brother was implying, obviously the guy had brain damage, or else why would he give me a second look? This was exactly the message, my therapist assured me years later, that I had been intended to receive. But when I said so at the time, family turned on me for being so "negative." They wanted to sell me the bill of goods that the young man really had suffered a head injury, and my brother was only trying to warn me for my own good before it got serious. Yeah, right. Maybe so, but he sure wanted to put me down in the process. And then the whole family got to insult me again by gaslighting me about that not being the intended message, but I just took it that way.

Back to today. A man who is obviously not healthy is flirting with me on the bus on the way home, and I have that same automatic thought. But this time I think to myself, "Well, that can't be true. Not every man who wants me has something serious wrong with him. Look at the man driving this bus. He wants me." Furthermore, the unhealthy behavior on the part of that man was not that he was flirting with ME. It was that he would flirt with ANY perfect stranger he just met on a bus.

So, I was able to answer that thought.

How have you been able to answer some of your automatic negative self-talk?

 

[alasthai]

There is a "switching" trick which works rather well for this:
1. Think of something, anything at all, which does make you happy (kittens, your SO, sunny beaches, whatever works);
2. When faced with negative thoughts/feelings, squash them - you can do this by force of will (if you find it difficult, get angry at the anxiety: it increases how much willpower you can apply);
3. Think about the Happy Thing; think about how good it is, how happy it makes you, etc.

Like most things, it takes a bit of practice, but you can get into the habit of slapping negative thoughts right out of your head.

Of course, the best solution to anxiety is exercise.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I like that.

 

[J0SHUA]

I have PTSD too and know the daily struggle. You have to remind yourself to notice the negative self-talk and to stop it completely. That's part of how people overcome social anxiety. If you notice you have a negative thought going, address it immediately in a logically fashion. Don't be prideful, but know who you are and respect yourself. Realize that everyone is different and will therefore have different views of you. You can logically understand that your husband loves you as you are and wants you for who you are. Don't let the doubt go beyond that; it's really all you need. I'm really glad that you're married and have someone to support you. PTSD can be a living nightmare. Don't be afraid to open up to your husband about this. You two should be able to talk about anything.

 

[Willie T]

I taught REBT... and use it, too. Very effective stuff. (You can Google it.)

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I will.

 

[Chococat]

Thanks for this LF and to all who posted here. I know I struggle with negative self talk at times. For instance if something bad happens even if it is a minor thing I sometimes say "why does it always happen to me?". The truth is these things happen to everyone from time to time. I too have been put down a lot in the past and I still have a tendency to believe the put downs even though I realise deep in my heart that they were not true. It's part of renewing your mind which is what the Bible tells us to do.

 

[gerbilwoman]

I struggle with this too. I have multiple mental health conditions. Don't have any advice but just wanted to say you are not alone.