Needing a shoulder to cry on....

AvalonRising · Jan 17, 2006

This is only my third post and I'm afraid it isn't a happy one at all. I'm feeling so terribly confused right now because I just had to have my husband arrested. He went out tonight and got incredibly drunk (unfortunately, nothing unusual). Long story short, we got into a HUGE fight (also nothing unusual when he drinks heavily) over absolutely nothing. I just wanted him to go somewhere for the night and sober up but he just continued to scream and yell at me. He eventually grabbed my arms and shoved me into the wall (also not the first time that has happened). I grabbed him and physically tried to get him out the door but he turned things around, shoved me out the door and tried to lock me out (bare feet, no coat). I managed to shove my way back in before he could get the door locked and by then, the kids were awake from all the ruckus. That's when I'd had enough. I called 911 and had him removed. This is NOT something I wanted to do at all but I can't put these babies through this any longer.

I just want to say that my husband really is a good guy. It's his drinking....he is like Jekyll and Hyde between sober and drunk. All I wanted was for him to spend the night in jail so he could cool off...hopefully scare him enough to get some help. Little did I know, he will have to spend no less than 72 hours in jail and there is now a mandatory order of protection until he goes to court...whether I want it there or not. He cannot come anywhere near me or the kids. I know some of you are going to think I'm crazy but that's not what I wanted. I just wanted him to wake up and go to rehab. I know, this may be even better for him...a real wake up call but it still hurt so bad to watch them put my husband in handcuffs and take him away.

Did I do the right thing? I'm just so scared and confused now. I'm scared because I have no idea how long this will all go on with him being in jail or how long it will be before he is allowed to come back here (by law). I just quit my job two weeks ago because we decided it would be best for me to stay at home with the kids and finish school.......and now this. I have no job, not one dime to my name and bills piled up (he didn't pay the phone bill so I don't even have that at the moment). I will get a job of course....just scared to death...from not knowing what is going to happen next.

I do want him to come home--but only if he agrees to get help with his drinking. I, nor the kids (who are only 8 and 2 years old) can continue like this. I just don't want to give up on him just like that though. I want to help him. He was never like this until the drinking got bad. I KNOW who he is underneath the stench of the stinking beer and THIS is not who he is.

Thanks for listening. All of this only happened a few hours ago and I was just needing to get it off my chest.

AvalonRising

matthewgoh · Jan 17, 2006

Dear AvalonRising,

Extremely sorry to hear about your situation.

I believe you are the only one who can help your husband now. If you do not handle it well, you can make the situation worse.

He needs your support, love and cares, because you are his the other half that makes up your family. You need a lot of patience and love to handle it correctly.

While he is in the lock-up, you have to show your love to him. Talk to him; about your kids, about good times both of you had together. Don't mention about what happened that night, who's fault etc.

Once he is back home, both of you need to talk, remember you need to be patience and show your love to him. Don't loose your temper, it makes things worse.

I don't know what problem he is having, but I do know it's not easy (very stressful) to raise a family. That's why both of you need to talk. Your patience and love are the only way out.

Pray to God, let his spirit helps you, especially if you need patience and love in situation like this.

May God bless you and your family.

chris91 · Jan 17, 2006

It could very well be the best thing you can do. As long as you put up with it, he has no reason to seek help or to change. He first has to see that he has a problem without anyone telling him that. You have to let him know that his drinking is unacceptable. If he loves you and I'm sure he does, he needs to realize that in order to stay married and have a good life, his drinking problem has to change. Unfortunately this may take some time. Be honest and tell him how you feel. Pray...God will help you and He will help your husband.

Skinster007 · Jan 17, 2006

You shouldn't feel bad about anything. You're just trying to protect yourself and your kids. He's the one that should feel bad and be sorry. He needs to be a man and realize that his drinking is hurting his family. If he cares, he will seek help. If it continues then the best thing for everyone is for him to leave the home until he turns things around. He will say anything to stay so don't fall for the old "i've changed my ways" talk too soon. He has to earn your trust back. I see you are a pagan so giving you religous advice won't help you much, unless you give your heart to Jesus. Outside of that, use the law to your advantage. I'll be praying for you. God Bless.

Deb7777 · Jan 17, 2006

AvalonRising said:
This is only my third post and I'm afraid it isn't a happy one at all. I'm feeling so terribly confused right now because I just had to have my husband arrested. He went out tonight and got incredibly drunk (unfortunately, nothing unusual). Long story short, we got into a HUGE fight (also nothing unusual when he drinks heavily) over absolutely nothing. I just wanted him to go somewhere for the night and sober up but he just continued to scream and yell at me. He eventually grabbed my arms and shoved me into the wall (also not the first time that has happened). I grabbed him and physically tried to get him out the door but he turned things around, shoved me out the door and tried to lock me out (bare feet, no coat). I managed to shove my way back in before he could get the door locked and by then, the kids were awake from all the ruckus. That's when I'd had enough. I called 911 and had him removed. This is NOT something I wanted to do at all but I can't put these babies through this any longer.

I just want to say that my husband really is a good guy. It's his drinking....he is like Jekyll and Hyde between sober and drunk. All I wanted was for him to spend the night in jail so he could cool off...hopefully scare him enough to get some help. Little did I know, he will have to spend no less than 72 hours in jail and there is now a mandatory order of protection until he goes to court...whether I want it there or not. He cannot come anywhere near me or the kids. I know some of you are going to think I'm crazy but that's not what I wanted. I just wanted him to wake up and go to rehab. I know, this may be even better for him...a real wake up call but it still hurt so bad to watch them put my husband in handcuffs and take him away.

Did I do the right thing? I'm just so scared and confused now. I'm scared because I have no idea how long this will all go on with him being in jail or how long it will be before he is allowed to come back here (by law). I just quit my job two weeks ago because we decided it would be best for me to stay at home with the kids and finish school.......and now this. I have no job, not one dime to my name and bills piled up (he didn't pay the phone bill so I don't even have that at the moment). I will get a job of course....just scared to death...from not knowing what is going to happen next.

I do want him to come home--but only if he agrees to get help with his drinking. I, nor the kids (who are only 8 and 2 years old) can continue like this. I just don't want to give up on him just like that though. I want to help him. He was never like this until the drinking got bad. I KNOW who he is underneath the stench of the stinking beer and THIS is not who he is.

Thanks for listening. All of this only happened a few hours ago and I was just needing to get it off my chest.

AvalonRising

Hi Avalon, Welcome, I think you did the right thing, hopefully it will be a wake up call for your husband. Its very sad to see the damage of drinking and/or drugs on families. It sounds like your husband needs to go to AA or some sort of counseling, the problem seems to be out of control. Hopefully, he will see your logic in wanting your family to stay together and not be torn apart by this disease that many people have had and learned to late to save the family life. Your husband is going to have to make some major decisions, we'll be praying for your situation. You have alot on your hands right now and need as much strength as possible, pray, read uplifting, inspiritional books and articles to feed your heart and soul, especially when feeling downcast and to help you in the ups and downs of life. We invite you to get to know Jesus who has uplifted and strengthen many hearts in this valley of tears, He says he's our Lord and we believe it through his preaching, through his miracles that continue to this day, through his great love to even suffer crucifixation so we might be with him for all eternity. I welcome you to go over to the daily devotion section, very uplifting threads. I have a thread on Catholic meditations, see how Jesus made a difference in the lifes of the Saints, God bless.

AvalonRising · Jan 18, 2006

Thank you all for your words and prayers. They are most definately appreciated. I admit, this afternoon, I started to panic and I tried to have the charges dropped. Little did I know, I have no choice in the matter. He will not be released unless someone bails him out and even when he gets out, he is not allowed near me or the children under any circumstances until the judge says otherwise. I didn't want all this. All I wanted was to scare him into going to rehab. I had no idea that once I put him in jail, I wouldn't be albe to get him back out! Quite frankly, I'm furious about that. I know these laws were put into place for a reason (and a good one) but I am still angry that they will not even let me speak to him. I wound up getting into a massive arguement with the States Attorney (which in hindsight, didn't help a thing). She is the only one that can drop the charges and she absoultely refuses to do so. Fine....leave the charges in place. But I want this order of protection removed! I have no choice in that matter either. As I said, these laws are there for very good reasons but they have no idea how they are affecting our family--specifically, financially. He can't go to work and I just lost my job.

I am in no way trying to downplay the fact that he needs help. NOT AT ALL...he very much does. I just wish it didn't have to be done this way. I didn't want him to have a record but there isn't anything I can do about this now. I know things will just have to run their course so we can move on. Which, when they do, (meaning when the order of protection is lifted and he has completed a rehab program) we will be moving on. Right back to Australia where he came from. We need his family, whom he is extremely close to and I believe he desperately needs to be near.

I've not told his mother yet and am having a hard time deciding whether to worry her with it or not. I don't know what she could do from 12,000 miles away so I don't know if I should make her fret over it but at the same time, I still feel like she should know. Any advice on this one?

Rambling on, some of my friends are wondering why I'm even bothering to stick by him. The answer is quite simple actually. I think of it this way. He is diabetic...it is a disease and I would never walk out on him because of the disease. Alcoholism is a disease too, and I will not give up on him. Underneath the darkness of the alcohol, he is a wonderful person...wonderful husband and father. I WILL get that person back if it is the last thing I ever do.

Thanks again for listening to my extremely long ranting. I don't have a lot of people to talk to and your thoughts and prayers are easing the lonliness and confusion.

Many Blessings to you all,
Avalon

matthewgoh · Jan 18, 2006

Dear Avalon,

Sorry to hear about what you are going through right now. Unfortunately I am not aware of your US law on this matter. But I believe your husband should understand and should forgive what you have done to him. Right now he really needs your love and caring, more than anything. Nothing is closer and gives more comfort than family; you and your kids.

AvalonRising said:
I've not told his mother yet and am having a hard time deciding whether to worry her with it or not.

I believe you should talk to your husband about this. Let him decide. He might not want to disappoint his mum.

AvalonRising said:
He is diabetic...it is a disease and I would never walk out on him because of the disease. Alcoholism is a disease too, and I will not give up on him. Underneath the darkness of the alcohol, he is a wonderful person...wonderful husband and father. I WILL get that person back if it is the last thing I ever do.

This is a very encouraging thinking. Proud of you! Nothing is impossible to God, with God's blessing and your good heart, you will see miracle.

Remember, no one is perfect. You have to help your husband to walk out of this darkness. That's love... and both of you will love each other even more after this.

Besh wishes to you and your family.

AvalonRising · Jan 18, 2006

matthewgoh said:
Unfortunately I am not aware of your US law on this matter.

I believe the laws on domestic violence vary from state to state. (As I previously stated, I had no idea at the time that it would come to all of this). I now understand that Illinois state law states that once the victim files the charges, they cannot drop them. Only the states attorney and/or the judge presiding over the case can do so (and rarely ever do). The law was instated because of women dropping the charges out of fear or being pressured by the abuser, only to continue the cycle of abuse.

I do feel terrible for him...I miss him terribly and I'm scared to death for him but I'm starting to realize that no matter what, he did this to himself. I can only hope, pray and do whatever I can to get him and all of us through it. He KNOWS he has a drinking problem and has blatently admitted it many times. That bothers me even more than if he didn't realize he had a problem. Now if we can just get him to realize that he needs help. He will...legally, he will have to undergo some kind of rehabilitation or they will not lift the order of protection until he does. Not good for someone that cherishes his children more than anything. I'm hoping that has already made him begin to wake up.

Thanks again for your thoughts

Anti Existance · Jan 18, 2006

First of all you did the right thing. Now you should goto jail and knock some sense in him. Ask him what on earth he thinks he is doing to the future of your children? Demand that he goes into rehab, and that you will divorce him if he refuses. Just say its over, and that you will no longer induldge having a horse in the house wrecking the place, and the lives of your children as well as you and the future you possibly had.

You can't show a soft side, if you lenghten this you'll only be lying against yourself, stop protecting him and let him face the consequenses and that its either this or rehab. Don't take exuses , your threat must remain serious up till he actually is within the rehab building. Its your life and more importantly that of your children which must be protected.

No more drinks for him, not in the future and not even occassionaly ,let him get used to a sober life, you get yourself a job and take care of everything as you are more man then he will ever be.

matthewgoh · Jan 18, 2006

Dear Avalon,

I feel you have to tell your husband that you were totally unaware of the law, so you called 911 because you were helpless at that time. I don't think he will blame you or anything, but on your side, you must do your very best not to make the situation worse (no argument or quarrel at this point of time).

You do not have to feel sorry for this. But talk to your husband about your financial problem, and discuss with him how you want to solve this problem. Both of you should support each other to solve the problems both are facing.

Both of you must have patience and determination to tackle the challenge ahead. It is not easy, but can be overcome.

I do not agree in "easy give-up" in marriage. Both of you have a responsibility to bring up your kids in a healthy family environment. From your post, I have a feeling, he is willing to rehabitate, for you and your kids. Love is such a powerful thing. God bless.

bethdinsmore · Jan 18, 2006

Hi friend -
I can't believe I had typed a whole long post to you and it disappeared into the air! Maybe I'd better be briefer

I am sorry for the pain you all are obviously suffering. If you would like to see if the codependent dynamic is present between you and your husband, here's a site:
http://www.recoveryresources.org/codependency.html

If it is present, you might be interested in the following recovery groups: CODA, Al-Anon, Al-Ateen, etc.

I especially like the Christian groups - they can be found at many large churches - not connected with the church, just meeting in one of their rooms. I have seen amazing recoveries there, and real freedom.

I will pray for you and your family, friend. Please let me know if I can help further.

Aloha in Jesus

AvalonRising · Jan 18, 2006

Anti Existance said:
First of all you did the right thing. Now you should goto jail and knock some sense in him.

Honestly, I wish I could just tell him "NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR DRINKING DOES TO US?" But the no contact order is in place. They won't even let me see him in jail. They may drop the no contact order on me when he goes to court but it will still stand for the kids until he completes rehab. I hate that I have to keep the kids away from him and having to try to explain why daddy isn't at home anymore but he did it to himself so he can get himself out of it in that regard.

Ask him what on earth he thinks he is doing to the future of your children? Demand that he goes into rehab said:

Well, that won't be a problem because that is also part of the stipulations. Thanks to his actions, DCFS has gotten involved. THIS is the main thing that makes me want to just smack him upside his head for. He almost got our children taken away. I am afraid it will take me some time to forgive him for that but only time will tell. It is up to him now. Until he completes a rehab program, he will not be allowed back into our home (per DCFS...but I wasn't going to let him regardless until he completed rehab and could truley show me he is recovered). I got a visit from a very nice lady from the department this morning. She went to the jail and spoke with my husband after she had spoken to me. He got the shock of his life because he had no idea he could not have any contact with the kids. That hit him where it hurts. These kids are everything to him and this is what it took to knock that sense into him.[/color]

I'm sure that all of us with children will agree that having DCFS investigate you is one of the scariest things that can happen to you. But the DCFS caseworker was so kind. She even came back after speaking to my husband to tell me what he had said and that she thought he was very sincere in wanting to get help. She directed me toward a myriad of services that will benefit all of us, including counseling as a family after he completes rehab. She told me if he is really making an effort and is genuinly healing himself, they will consider letting him come home before he actually gets it completed (although I don't know if I will allow that but again, only time will tell) But I have faith in him and I believe he will pull through this.

No more drinks for him said:

I am looking for a job as we speak..and thank you for the encouragement. He ever touches another drop of booze............I won't be so supportive....actually....I won't support him at all. I'll file for divorce before a drop of it even gets all the way down his throat.

Avalon

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AvalonRising · Jan 18, 2006

bethdinsmore said:
Hi friend -
I can't believe I had typed a whole long post to you and it disappeared into the air! Maybe I'd better be briefer

That does seem to happen when you have just typed a lengthy post eh? LOL

Thanks so much for the link. Actually, I honestly can't say that any of that applies to either of us. We are both very stubbornly independant...I think we need to learn to depend on each other more than we do). Regardless, we are all going to be seeking counseling as a family, as well as him seeking rehabilitation for himself. I think that is extremely important...to heal together as well as him ponying up and taking the responsibility for himself.

I will pray for you and your family, friend. Please let me know if I can help further.

Aloha in Jesus[/QUOTE]

Your prayers and help are most appreciated. Thank you!

AvalonRising · Jan 19, 2006

This is a little off topic but still relevant to this thread. I just heard a song and I have never cried so hard in my life. I felt incredibly compelled to share it. I don't listen to a lot of country music but I just came across a song by Billy Currington called "Walk A Little Straighter Daddy"................................If only my husband could hear this song..............

matthewgoh · Jan 19, 2006

AvalonRising said:
"Walk A Little Straighter Daddy"...............................

He will, with the support of his loved ones, and will fall..... if all go against him.

Febe · Jan 19, 2006

AvalonRising said:
I am looking for a job as we speak..and thank you for the encouragement. He ever touches another drop of booze............I won't be so supportive....actually....I won't support him at all. I'll file for divorce before a drop of it even gets all the way down his throat.

Avalon

That is right!
You give him all Your support now, so he will have a chance...
If he does not take it, bad for him!
But every person has a limit, where they does not have the strengh to go further... and I can fully understand that You are on the edge now!
Good luck, sister!

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