Need suggestions on how to talk with my separated wife

[dmorris395]

My wife and I have been separated since Oct. 17. Our problems began to manifest themselves last July when my wife began to shut down and stopped communicating with me. She came in one Saturday after work and said she was done. The following Wednesday, she was gone.

She says that she got tired of how my mother treated her. When we first got married, I had trouble standing up and defending my wife agains my mother. I'm visually impaired and my mom has always been overprotective of me, even as I've grown and become more independent. She always felt that my wife wasn't good enough. A few years back, I started standing up for our marriage and things seemed to be better than ever. For some reason, my wife started dwelling on the past. My wife is an RN and she's been the primary income for the majority of our six years of marriage.

We tried christian marriage counseling, but it only appeared to bring out more hurt feelings and memories in my wife. When she left, I started reading scripture, books, and sermons on how to be a Christ centered couple and how to honor my wife. I realize now that I did not do a good job. I would love a second chance to be the husband that she deserves and provide the love and security that she needs.

She moved in with her mom and dad, but a few weeks after she left, she found a new home here in town. She said that it would be big enough for the both of us if we eventually got back together. Unfortunately, we had to get a divorce because we made too much money together for her to qualify for some loan that she didn't even get. She told me that the only reason for divorce was because of the loan and that she would still consider us as just separated.

As last year drew to a close, I tried to give her space to work out whatever she had to. I figured that if I kept bothering her, then she couldn't make any progress. One of my problems was that I never took the time to get her nice or special gifts for birthdays or Christmas the way she would always do for me. I figured that, since she was the one working, she could get what she wanted. I feel reallly bad about not taking the time to show my appreciation. It didn't have to be anything extravegant, just something. So, I bought her, what I thought, was a nice heart shaped pendant necklace with a key through it for Christmas to show that I was sorry for all of the birthdays and Christmases I missed.

When the new year started, I reached out to her father to see how things were going with her. To kind of check her pulse without bothering her. I should have known that this wasn't a good idea. Obviously, he thinks that everything's my fault and that I should not associate with my mom for what she did to my wife. Also, the Christmas gift was apparently a bad idea. He told me that she said something like I should try to win the key to her heart instead of me giving mine to her. He did say that she regretted the divorce, and had she had known she wasn't going to get the loan, she wouldn't have done it. He advised that I give her some time to get in to the new house and get it set up. He told me that he would let me know when an appropriate time was to reach out to her. I got so mad at him that I'm through reaching out to him and I don't care for what he says. I should have known better because he can't be objective like a pastor or counselor.

Over time, I've kind of gotten upset with her. When we were together, we got in the habit of communicating through text messages for small, simple dialogues. Now, I'll text her every once in a while to see how she's doing. But, the only time she reaches out to me is when she wants something like money for a joint bill now that I'm working again, or she needs some other kind of information. Most nights when she works third shift, I text her "good night, I love you" when I go to bed. She tells me that she loves me too, but she never offers. She only responds. That little "I love you" is the only thing that I have to hold on to that tells me that we may get back together.

The point of all of this is that she and I are meeting on Tuesday to file for our tax return since we were married up to the end of the year. She agreed to dinner afterwards. A few days ago, she came by to get some mail and I could tell that she wasn't in the best of moods. She's having to work extra hours to pay for all of the renovations and repairs on the new house. I want to ask her so bad, "Is this what you wanted? Is life so much better without me in it?" but I know that's a question for a third party. It would be too insensitive for me to ask. Before she left, I asked her if it would be innapropriate for a kiss. She said "probably." So, that doeasn't make me feel good.

Anyway, back to Tuesday. Should we try to talk about the situation in person or should I write her a letter like her father suggests since that will not put her on the spot? Trust me, she's know delicate flower. She grew up with two older brothers who can be jerks. She has somewhat of a dominating personality. So, I'm not too worried about damaging her emotionally if we talk. However, I want to approach this the right way. Also, as we all know. Valentine's is this week. Should I acknowledge it like I tried to do for Christmas, or just let it go. I fell like it's a "danged if you do, danged if you don't" situation. If I do, she probably woulldn't like it. If I don't, she'll be reminded that we're not together on Valentine's day.

So, any advice from those who tried to reconsile. How did the process start?

I've read Gary Chapman's Hope For the Separated book which I feld was very good as far as putting a christian perspective on separation and divorce. I'd like my wife/ex-wife/whatever-she-is to read it. But I'll have to caution her that Chapman looks as divorce as something to avoid at all cost.

Thanks for any insight and, of course, thanks for your prayers.

 

[Shane R]

Are you happier without me? is exactly the question you need to ask her. After the initial cooling off period and the time of space, the question is appropriate and might actually be answered objectively. The difficult thing is to figure out how long that cooling off period must last.

After my wife finally cooled off and was able to take a fresh look at the situation she realized she was not happier or better off. She also realized that I was right in thinking that some of her companions were bad influences on our relationship. This didn't all happen at once, but one piece at a time. It's a hard thing.

We've been separated for almost a year, which in my mind was a landmark that should have been a death knell for our marriage. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and we make more progress every month. Sometimes there are set-backs, but what has changed most noticeably is both of our attitudes. We want to reconcile.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Well, if you ask her if she's better off or happier without you, be prepared if she tells you yes.

When my husband and I separated, I went from being very comfortable with is large salary, house, and no financial worry, to living in an apartment I couldn't afford and trying to sustain myself on $13 an hour at a retail job. Bills went unpaid, rent was late, I worked constantly... I remember in December I couldn't afford heating oil so I would sleep in the kitchen after cooking because it was the warmest room in the house.

But if he'd asked me "Is this what you wanted? Are you happier now?," the answer would have been a big, fat, heck-to-the-yeah. You have no IDEA how much better this is.

My opinion?

You guys are divorced. If it weren't for you, she'd never talk to you, interact with you, or deal with you unless it's for a joint issue related to your past marriage or finances. Her family dislikes you, it sounds like yours dislikes her, and she's making no movement towards basic acquaintance-like relations, much less a marriage restoration.

I think it's pretty clear that reconciliation isn't in the cards, nor is it desired by her. A solicited, occasional "I love you" and a vague comment of buying a house that could fit the both of you if you reconcile that was made awhile ago, pre-divorce isn't signs of a marriage that can be helped. It just sounds like you're seeking the strings that you can find that mean anything beyond the end of the marriage, and grasping on to those while ignoring the truth is that it looks like things are said and done.

I'm sorry, but perhaps now it's time to focus more on you and not somebody who clearly has no interest in your ended marriage.

 

[DZoolander]

I have a riddle for you.

Q: "What's more unattractive than an ex-spouse that you initiated divorce on obviously pining away after you, giving you gifts at Hallmark moments, and talking to your folks about your 'restoration'?
A: Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Let me try and put this into perspective for you.

Quite frequently, here, someone will come on and make some post about their recent separation or divorce where it seems time is of the essence for them. They just utterly reek of desperation - and are looking for guidance on how to manipulate the situation to get their (ex)spouse back. Yours is pretty typical of that. You've been divorced for a couple of months, separated barely longer, and you're doing all sorts of stuff trying to "win her back"...and you're finding that nothing is working. In fact - it seems like you're driving her further away from you...which only presses you to want to do more or ask for even further clarification.

You're not observing an illusion, or some fluke. If it seems like you're pushing them away, it's because you actually are...and you're utterly predictable about it.

You "gave her space" between your October separation, and your grand Christmas gift. Then...within Christmas and now...you "gave her space" but talked to her dad (which she knows about - and I can't imagine anything that would be more irksome to me than my ex-wife approaching my folks asking them about how to approach me to change my mind on divorce). Let me say - all things being equal - the WORST thing you could do is now go and make some grand Valentine's day gesture.

All that would do is reaffirm to her that you're doing exactly what she thinks you're doing...which is sitting back and obsessing...hoping to manipulate the situation by giving her the illusion of distance - until you can find a hallmark moment to reintroduce yourself (in a sorrowful pitiful way) back into her life - which certainly won't be a turn-on.

Maybe when her dad said that "you want her to give her heart to you - but you won't give yours to her" - that's the kind of nonsense he's talking about. You're so wrapped up in how you're feeling about the whole situation that you can't look at it as a whole and how she factors into it/what she might be thinking/how you played into it/etc.

Instead - you want it on a timeline - because you're desperate for an outcome - and of course it's YOUR desired outcome.

A couple of things...and hopefully this won't just be lost on you.

First of all - we're not even talking four months yet. Four months is *nothing* in the grand scheme of life - and that's the important thing to keep in mind when judging these types of things. When I was a kid I could go more than four months between car washings. Four months isn't even a semester in school. Consequently - to an adult facing LIFE impacting decisions - four months ain't squat.

To have already at the very least 3-4 gestures so ill received/rebuked within that timeframe is not a good sign and means you need to back the heck off. You don't give her some grand gift on Christmas, then two weeks later talk to her dad, then two weeks later ask her if a kiss is inappropriate (with a "yes") then two weeks later give her some grand Valentine's day gift...all the while texting her all the time telling her you love her in the vague hopes she'll reply back the same (which often she doesn't). That's not giving her space. That's not leaving her alone. That's being passive aggressive - and I'm sure she resents it.

The one thing that people like you don't seem to understand is one simple maxim...

Q: Do you know who truly goes away in life?
A: In the long run, nobody (unless you've driven them away).

Now, maybe what I'm about to say might end up being a tool for you to be even more manipulative, but it's a valuable thing for anyone to know.

You know all the feelings of insecurity that you have? How you wonder about things? How you wonder if you're doing the right thing? Guess what? She feels those exact same things. But - the difference is - you keep reaffirming to her that she IS doing the right thing from her point of view.

The best thing you could do for your own sake would be to just leave her the hell alone - and start working on yourself. Get yourself a decent job. Get yourself a decent path. Show that you can take care of yourself and be an autonomous person. Be a person worth loving. Be a person she would be proud to love.

Then...when she inevitably pokes her head in wondering what happened to you...she will be pleasantly surprised. Maybe then the doubts she has about whether or not she did the right thing in divorcing you will become stronger. Maybe then the doubts that she has about whether or not being single again is worth it will become stronger. Maybe then you will actually become a workable/viable/desirable option for her compared to all other options.

THAT would be how you SHOULD approach it if reconciliation is your goal. Continuing down the text/parent/holiday stalker route ain't gonna do anything but push her even further away.

...and honestly...you'll be better off regardless of what happens if you start actually paying attention to yourself.