Need some support,guidance

[raderack]

hi im Miguel Pinheiro Brasil,with 37 years old,i have being at the side of my mom during my entire life..recentlly(last year),my mom falled and got problems.almost died several times..during that time..i had the unpleasant revelation of what my others brothers/sisters really are.

There is pics of her in my profile albums

I have being posting her history and mine..since almost the beginning in that thread->http://www.christianforums.com/t7781651/

During that time,i got close to kill myself countless times,and actually tried one time,if it wasnt for brinny and ChristianNew i woundt be alive now,and taking care.

All my problem is the vulture(is a term here in brazil used to describe the type of person,distant parent usually who only appear to get money) sisters and brothers,the preasure that they did to get her money while she almost died,or even known when she is in bed with tracheostomy..is what made my cup(already full of the long battle of making my mom getting better,and the stress of handle all of that alone),,is what is killing me..and making me have bad throughts..

They stopped for sometime,but recently they got back to it..and they known that im not well,and they really want me to go away..after all im the unique obstacle of then exploring their mom who is in bed recovering.

I got a doctor help,got medicine,which i cant take more because my heart beat is usually 105 to 120 due to all the stress,and with remedy it get over 130..so yeah..im only alive so far due to god and the fact that mom thread and the friends that listened to me(since the others only want to me,and they hate,so alone is not easy) is what take soo much weight of my chest.

is about 11:16pm here(brazil is gmt-3),i will post more here if something happen,after all here is the unique place that someone will known what happen to me

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

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Moved to Depression Forum

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[raderack]

Is about 1:20am here in brazil(gmt-3),mom cough about 3x machine beeping,cleaned the tubes,calmed her,sucked the secretion..
Today about 7am to 8am..the vulture(term used here in brazil to describe a parent or distant relative who only appears when interested in money or something for himself,and that use any means to get what it wants..usually bad ones) my older sister cathia will appear to "visit" her mom..and again ask for money..she wants me to take from my mother medicine,diappers,and the nurse food..to give to her..yeah.
And that will be another great day,she knowns that i tried to kill myself due to the pressure she did together with other 3 brothers and 2 sisters...and she is on her 5 day doing that to me.

The problem with being alone,and handling this..is that the pain dont go away.

I dont even known,if i will make to the end of the day,life for me appear more like a movie,and im a spectator..like nothing is real anymore..im losing my contact with it.

I have stopped care to eat,or drink for about 2 days..im angry,thirsty but i dont want to eat or drink..why i would do it?

The funny is,if i lost myself the unique ones that would known why..it would be people from here.

Im more than 6 months with that fight with my mother,as the doctor said im like a full cup of water,the handle of mom care,and the stress of see her in that sad situation is my limit..i cant handle my vultures brothers/sisters..for now all i pray is that they go away and let me and mom alone.

I do the mom care routine and my prayers more like a robot,when i look at it,i have already done it..i dont even notice it.

The feeling of looking at things,my hand,the most common material things and got the impression of distance,i see other people and it just feel weird like they are distant or i dont belong here..hard to describe it.

I will stay awake until i pass out,so i can sleep..is the unique way i can sleep.

When i can think in more things to share,i will post here.

As the doctor medicine,well i cant take then anymore,my normal heartbeat is around 110 to 120..with medicine that the doctor give me it raises to over 130..what is dangerous..as if i care,but he said he cant..so

When the air machine beep,i get up,see it with the nurse if is secretion,cleaned,if she is uneasy i extend my hand to calm her..and today i found out that i did it..whitout even remember..the nurse said i did..but i dont remember.

 

[raderack]

Afraid of sleep and have to handle the stress of that vulture,again coming for money in the morning.
3:47am here(brazil is gmt-3),one thing the chest in pain and the constant pressure in chest is good to make you dont relax.

 

[RuthD]

Hi raderack,
My applause goes out to you for helping your mom and keeping the vultures away. God has good reasons to keep you alive so I hope you will start caring for yourself, too, again. You are important, too. I'm sorry you and your mom are struggling so badly. I will surely keep you in my prayers. God bless you.

 

[raderack]

So she didnt appear at 7am,so now i will end the rest of day agitate because when she will appear..great
that lovely chest pressure dont go away

 

[Jeshu]

Keep fighting for what is right, keep fighting for yourself as well. It is very hard to be a carer especially when there are vultures around.

God bless you for loving your mother and caring for her so well - keep it up!

Also for yourself take good care, your mum needs you and this planet needs more people like you.

Make sure that every day you take in good things into your psyche. Take in love, kindness, self-control, gentleness, long suffering, patience, meekness and humbleness. Let such spiritual gifts grow in your heart for it will battle against the depression.

God bless you my friend.

 

[raderack]

the vulture of my sister didnt come,and she said she will be sunday,hopefully she will not come tomorrow too.so i can have peace.

my mom got nervous and agitated when i got closer for some reason,she got an ansiety episode at 1pm today that made me worry..but it was only because of the nurse who left to eat..i hope..and i hope is not see feeling anything.

for some reason,i believe the my vultures brothers/sister pray for her to get worst..i always got nervous when the vulture sister come to what she call "visit".

I sleep for 8hours straight,or i just drop out at bed..it is the first time that i sleep more than 1hour whitout wake up in months.

Still with the pressure in chest,at least the hand shaking stopped

 

[raderack]

she just got lack of air experience..it have being days since she have one of these..and tomorrow the vulture sister cathia..and the trembling hand is back
7:20pm here(brazil is gmt-3),how to relax with that pressure? is that even possibile?

 

[Krissy Cakes]

Praying for you and your mother.

 

[raderack]

Still serching for aways to calm down,cant take medicine due to my high heartbeat(around 110 to 120),music didnt help much(it made the pain in the chest got a little lighter,but hands still shake)
I will never get used to her getting whitout air,her face red..my nightmares i remember all those episodes..even after months with experience in that it dont make it easier handle my mom in that state.
It hurts deep on me see her this way,the impression of her eyes looking at me,never go away

 

[raderack]

It will be a long night with mom,coughing,had to suck the secretion..she is agitated so i am back to the small sleeps of 30mins..if max.

I have fear of sleeping and miss an cough,an episode of lack of air,every time i lower my guard she got back to hospital,so now im not lowering my guard.

But the body seems heavier every day,how can i say..it feels like im pushing my body instead of moving.

 

[brinny]

hi raderack, i'm sooooooo glad you are getting support and encouragement. KNOW that i am praying for you and praying that God protects you from all that would harm you, and i'm praying for your healing, and that God calms you and paces and heals your heart to a healthy level and that His encdouragement ministers to you and that He is a Lifter of your head and keeps all that would do you harm or stress you from anywhere near you. Father may it be so. Grant raderack HOPE and HEALING and PEACE that only YOU can give, in Jesus name, amen (((hug)))

 

[raderack]

hi raderack, i'm sooooooo glad you are getting support and encouragement. KNOW that i am praying for you and praying that God protects you from all that would harm you, and i'm praying for your healing, and that God calms you and paces and heals your heart to a healthy level and that His encdouragement ministers to you and that He is a Lifter of your head and keeps all that would do you harm or stress you from anywhere near you. Father may it be so. Grant raderack HOPE and HEALING and PEACE that only YOU can give, in Jesus name, amen (((hug)))

Thanks brinny..still serching for ways to get the stress and the agony of the day out of me,or who knowns sleep at least close to normal.
But for now,im only praying for the vultures to go away and leave me and mom in peace.

For now i am with fear of losting my mind,im having some blanks of memory of what i have done during day..but the nurse i already did..and i dont remember

 

[brinny]

Awwwwwww sooo sorry you have to endure that...praying they go away too (((hug)))

 

[raderack]

Is 12:46am over midnight..and i will stay awake as long as i can looking at mom and praying..so far that night routine is the part of the day most calm,and the unique part of the day i can clearly remember totally,the rest of the day is kinda foggy.

 

[brinny]

Is 12:46am over midnight..and i will stay awake as long as i can looking at mom and praying..so far that night routine is the part of the day most calm,and the unique part of the day i can clearly remember totally,the rest of the day is kinda foggy.

Praying that all goes well with your mom and that you're able to get a break and rest and recover from the stress (((hug)))

 

[ToBeBlessed]

Afraid of sleep and have to handle the stress of that vulture,again coming for money in the morning.
3:47am here(brazil is gmt-3),one thing the chest in pain and the constant pressure in chest is good to make you dont relax.

Stay strong. Know that you need to just keep going. Breath slowly in then out. Deep, slow breaths. Your doing great.

God is with you.

 

[raderack]

5:20am(brazil is gmt-3),sleeped for 30mins wake up,with the machine beeping..it wasnt.
sleeped again for 30mins,nightmare..and here i am..
as long as mom need that machine ltv for breathing..and that tracheotomy and she have the possibility of die due to lack of air,i will do not sleep well.

remember for myself:search for vitamins recipes and some maybe that will help in strenght my body and who knowns strenght my mind too.

 

[Press On]

Praying hard for you. Bless you for taking care of you mother with such dedication under a tremendous amount of stress.

Most of my siblings are cut from the same cloth as yours. It' painful and sad.