Need Some Help from Young Adults

[Learnin'2-4Give]

Okay, as you can see, I'm not a "young adult"--sorry--don't mean to intrude on your forum, but, I was hoping you could help me out.

See, I am dating a guy I have known since we were in 4th grade and I've never been married or had any children of my own. Anyway, he has been divorced for 5 years and a Christian for 3 and 1/2. "George" (not his real name) has 2 sons--one is 17 ("Bill") and a junior and the other is 19 ("Bob") --he graduated in May and is in the Navy in a distant state.

"Bob" has been away since this summer and came home for Christmas but refused to see either of his parents. They had a nasty divorce and "George" was admittedly a lousy husband and father--although, he is a new person now. He drank a lot and wasn't home much and was abusive (verbal for sure--possibly physically--I don't know). Last winter, "George" was granted joint custody for Bill and Bob. Their mother is not a Christian and does not lead her life as such. I do know, however, that she was the parent that was there when Bill and Bob were little--she was the one they could depend on.

I have been around when "Bob" has talked on the phone to his dad. His dad is unhappy that "Bob" is not going to church, has been drinking and hanging out with non-Christians and got a tatoo. He has expressed his opinion on this and told "Bob" that he would pray for him. "George" is pretty bossy and opinionated--but, his motivation is that he does NOT want to see either of his sons go through what he has gone through and make the same stupid mistakes he did.

So, "Bob" ended up staying with friends when he came home and isn't speaking to either of his parents. He is "fed up with both of them". (I really don't know what issues there are with his mother--but I'm praying for her too).

What needs to happen here to bring this family back together? I have been praying and decided that maybe you young people could offer some advice from the prospective of the young men. Is there anything I can/should do to make this situation better?

Thanks for all of your help! Blessings to you all!

---Julie

 

[holo]

First of all I think it's a good idea bringing this up in this forum.
The only thing I can contribute is that young men often rebel against their parents. For some (like me) it came late, and suddenly. I guess it's a part of growing up, though of course people can get hurt badly by it. If rebellion has something to do with it, I don't think there's much point in trying to change the reasons he has for doing it - he'll always find something. And I guess if he doesn't want to speak to his folks, pressuring him to do so won't be a good idea. Has he gotten to see the changes in his father?

 

[Learnin'2-4Give]

Hi Holo,

Yes, "Bob" has seen the changes in his father. Until he left for the service he lived with his dad. They went to church together and were baptised. But, I do wonder if his dad has ever said directly to both boys, "Look, I'm so sorry that I wasn't a good role model for you when you were little. I was angry and drinking and you and your mother were the ones who suffered for it. I can't wind back the clock, but I can promise you I am here for you now and for always and have learned my lesson. Please, forgive me."

Even if he just would send him a card or a note every week that just says, "I love you" on it. I just don't want this to go on for years and years. They have wasted so much time and it is possible that "Bob" will have to go overseas in the service.

Thank you for your help and perspective.

Blessings,
Julie

 

[Blake]

My best advice is that George would keep a hand stretched out consistently for his sons. Also, if he hasn't already he needs to humble himself and tell his children that he is truly sorry for the past and wants to start a friendship with them now. Ultimately, the decision is in the hands of his sons, because he can only build half of the bridge, and they must build the other half. I will pray for them.

I'm preaching to myself here: My parents have gotten a divorce recently, but the closeness of my family hasn't been around for years. One of my greatest struggles is trying to develop a relationship with my mom. My mom took most everything from the divorce (which I think is unfair and unfortunate), she does loves me (no doubt) but when we do speak it feels like the only thing she wants me to do is some kind of work for her, and on the rare occasion when I do see her and not have some kind of work we watch t.v. or spend the time talking about various things (nothing very personal, except for some family matters). So, my last piece of advice is when George does get so spend time with his sons make sure they are doing something fun, memorable, or talking and growing close to one another. Spending time together that does not benefit their relationship will only hinder it, but again this is my opinion for my short experience. Hope I helped.

 

[Learnin'2-4Give]

Thanks Blake! I'm sorry that you are going through this too. I will keep you and Holo in my prayers. You're right--he is the one that needs to reach out and he needs to keep doing it. He thinks it won't make any difference, but I disagree. He is the parent--no matter how old his children are, he is still their dad and he needs to extend the olive branch.

As for your mom--course, you know I'm not a mom, so I don't have any "real" experience, but, it seems to me as if your mom is reaching out to you when she asks you to do things for her. She seems to want you to know that she needs you, and maybe at this time, this is all she is capable of. Maybe she's feeling some guilt about taking almost everything from your dad? I'm sure it has to be very frustrating to you--but, I think that you are doing the right thing--you are available to her.

Blessings,
Julie

 

[IandI]

I have never experienced problems with my parents marriage, but I have been through everything imaginable when it comes to teenage rebellion. I have been through roughtimes but always managed to keep my head above water. I have had an interesting and unexpected road to a little inner peace. I hope I can give you some advice with Bob's behavior. First of all without any parents for him to turn to you shouldnt try to be a huge authority figure, be someone he can trust. That is easier to say than do, but at least trying will help things to some degree. I was deep into drugs by my senior year in highschool. It took taking a step back and a lot of time thinking about what life is. I seperated myself from my friends..it sounded oh so horrible at the time. I dont suggest preventing him from being around his friends, he has to make the choice by himself. Gain his trust and become his friend, talk to him and get him thinking about what life is, and how he can't let something (in my case drugs, in his, his parents) come between him and the chance to enjoy what all is around him, make him realize there is more than his immediate surrondings..give him hope. I went through rough waters when it comes to my relationship with my dad. It sounds very similar to "Bobs". Dads have a hard time expresses the love they have for their sons. It took me a while to understand this. Im sure it will for him too. If my dad had a different approach with me I think it would have helped a ton, but I can not blame him. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. I remember one night my dad was completely honest and opened up. He told me that he went through the same thing I did, it turned on a lightbulb...there wasnt any change over night, but situations like these are gradual. Being impatient (on his fathers part) can take things back to where they started. I know his father loves him from what you said, talk with his father and tell him to relate to his son from a posistion of love and not authority. I hope Ive explained my point enough for you too get what Im saying...Im in a hurry typing this. I just couldnt ignore a post like this one. I wish you the best and good luck. The road is long but hope can help you down it.

 

[Learnin'2-4Give]

Hi IandI,

Thanks for responding! Sounds like you are an amazing person to be able to pull yourself out of trouble! That takes a lot of courage and faith! Way to go!

I wish I knew "Bob". I've never met him and he's a thousand miles from home. I am praying for him though and I am so glad I sought out opinions from you young adults. It is showing me time and time again, that "George" is indeed the one that needs to reach out to "Bob" and I agree, he needs to come to him in love. Not as "Mr. Authority". Now, if I can just tell him this and have him listen to me!

I hope that the relationship you have with your father continues to grow. Sounds like he has a son he can really be proud of!

Blessings,
Julie

 

[Koop]

(begining note. Only trying to help)

I think it's great that you want to step in and reconcile a family. However, to be brutaly honest if i were in bob's or bill's postition I'd get ****ed at you for butting in on family afairs, not only would i get mad at you, but i'd get even more mad at my dad for bringing you into my life. Again i think it's great that you have concern for him and his children and their relationships, however, I feel the only role to be played by you is suport to the father. He is their father and needs to do all this himslef sinse he and his wife (the mother) are separated. I'm sure you wish you could rush in and save everything, I know that's often how i feel too. But as a young adult, I can tell you that my dads girlfriend would be about as welcome to try and help in this area as my mom would be on my weading night.

 

[Learnin'2-4Give]

Point taken. I do appreciate the input.

The only "intruding" I have done is through prayer. I haven't spoken to either of the boys. I have only met the younger one--we all sat in their living room and watched "Saving Private Ryan" and that's been my whole involvement.

I am just wanting their dad to wake up and be a dad to them. They need his full attention. I have already stepped aside, because I feel he has to make things right with them. You are right, my only involvement is to be as support for him and that is what I told him. We go to Bible Study together now, and that's it.

They've been divorced for 5 years. The dad left the mom because she was having an affair (no doubt cause he was being a bad guy) and she continues to be with the other man, without benefit of marriage.

Thank you for your concern and your input, Koop.

Blessings,
Julie

 

[Echoes Peak]

I think you've done the best thing you can do as far as you can do in the situation that you are associated with-at that thing would be prayer. As someone as has already mentioned,( and you are fully aware), you are in the precarious situation of being the one potentially on the receiving end of any given random party's anger which will not necessarily be your fault. George is going to have wait, and pray, and hope for his son. As a child of parents whose marriage wasn't so great near the end, and concluded in and even nastier fashion, there's definitely some anger on the part of the children. It's hard. It's real hard. You try to find every reason, answer and justification why your parents's marriage went the way it did. And the crazy part is, you don't even feel like you have any kind of real power to say anything about it. It wasn't your relationship, yet you're left to deal and feel with the aftershocks. This coupled with the fact that one or both of the parents wasn't necessarily the best at parenting when you were younger and now, they are, in your view, trying to come across now as the model parent, causes some serious ire. I think it took me a good two years before I came to what I would call "a happy place" in regards to that. The only thing George can do is apologize for the mistakes he's made, showing a loving extended hand to his son and pray for the best. Because once dad has done that, the rest is up to son to meet him half way.


Good Luck

 

[Learnin'2-4Give]

Echoes Peak,

You know, I sure am glad I took the risk to post in this forum. You have all been very kind and helpful.

I'm going to keep praying about the situation, but beyond that, there just isn't anything I can do. This is the first guy I've ever dated that had children and I knew it would be hard. I know I just can't make everything "all right" with this family and I really think that "George" needs to focus his full attention on his sons. I do not want to ever cause them any further heartache.

As for me? Well, I think I better hang up the idea of ever finding that special someone. At 44, it just hurts too much.

--Julie