Need Some Advice or Help

[technofox]

Howdy all,

I am a little nervous to ask this, but I am clueless about dating other than going with the flow. My girlfriend and I have been dating for a while and I have heard about promise rings for quite some time. I want it to symbolize my love and commitment for her, but not engagement or anything the alike.

When is it appropriate in a relationship to give a girlfriend a promise ring?

Also a little note:
She is afraid of commitment out of fear of being hurt by a breakup and missing out (I am more certain of the former more than the latter). I have no intention of getting married or engaged anytime soon, due to my prior marriage and divorce; however, I really love her and I am nervous that she may get the wrong impression since I know neither one of us are ready for engagement, let alone marriage.

I am nervous now, but I know that I need help on this. I want to show my commitment to her by getting her a promise ring, but I am not sure when it is appropriate to do so.

 

[blackribbon]

I've never got the purpose of being engaged to be engaged...I have a promise ring in a drawer that ended up meaning nothing. The guy wanted me to appear "taken" when he wasn't willing to make a stronger commitment.

What exactly are you wanting to "promise" with this promise ring? Are you promising to marry her?...then give an engagement ring. Are you promising to stay loyal until something else comes up?...then continue as you are because that is just "dating". JMO

 

[mina]

^ agreed. I don't understand what a promise ring is for; it makes commitment less scary for commitment phobes? If you are not ready to be engaged; just get her a nice piece of jewelry to show her that she is important to you (or make her something special, or take her to a nice dinner, or whatever would make her feel treasured). If neither of you are ready to be engaged or move towards marriage then don't get a ring.

 

[technofox]

I talked with my girlfriend last night about it and she appreciates the thought, but said it isn't necessary. Thank you both for your advice.

I decided to hold off and get her a nice birthday present instead and save towards an engagement ring, just in case our relationship heads that way.

 

[Puptart]

Not only do I not see the point in being "engaged to be engaged", but I also don't see the point in dating if you have a fear of commitment. What is the point, exactly, of dating if you aren't ready to get married? You're dating with absolutely no purpose as a result.. sure, ok, you love her.. and?

When there's a fear of commitment due to past experiences, I strongly recommend therapy. If she's afraid of "missing out", perhaps she got into a relationship far too soon and needs to be out exploring her life and the world before she settles down.

The prior marriage and divorce on your part as well is absolutely no reason not to get married either. I, too, am once-divorced twice-married. After my first husband and I broke it off, it was about a year and a half later that I married my second husband (we've been together five years now). If I hadn't been ready to find my compatible match, I wouldn't have started dating again, because as I already said... what's the point? And if I had have been "scarred" from my first marriage, I should have plopped myself straight into therapy (and still not have been dating.. I won't reiterate why ).

Anyway, these are just some thoughts that crossed my mind as I read your post. Obviously it's your life and you can and will do whatever you like. I just thought I'd share my impressions since you posted about it, nothing more.

 

[technofox]

Not only do I not see the point in being "engaged to be engaged", but I also don't see the point in dating if you have a fear of commitment. What is the point, exactly, of dating if you aren't ready to get married? You're dating with absolutely no purpose as a result.. sure, ok, you love her.. and?

When there's a fear of commitment due to past experiences, I strongly recommend therapy. If she's afraid of "missing out", perhaps she got into a relationship far too soon and needs to be out exploring her life and the world before she settles down.

The prior marriage and divorce on your part as well is absolutely no reason not to get married either. I, too, am once-divorced twice-married. After my first husband and I broke it off, it was about a year and a half later that I married my second husband (we've been together five years now). If I hadn't been ready to find my compatible match, I wouldn't have started dating again, because as I already said... what's the point? And if I had have been "scarred" from my first marriage, I should have plopped myself straight into therapy (and still not have been dating.. I won't reiterate why ).

Anyway, these are just some thoughts that crossed my mind as I read your post. Obviously it's your life and you can and will do whatever you like. I just thought I'd share my impressions since you posted about it, nothing more.

I appreciate your input. I am ready for dating and eventually getting married again; however, I am in no rush to propose either. My girlfriend is still working getting herself better from a recent surgery and has not been in a long term relationship like the one we are in now. We love each other a great deal and I think both of us have a fear of possibly getting hurt (i.e. breaking up). We are both committed to each other and that is about it.

I will likely pop the question once we feel our relationship is ready for it. We have been dating for about 6 months now and its been going great with a few bumps here and there that would occur in any relationship, and we worked them out. I hope this helps.