Need relationship advice badly!

[rcrawford2]

Hi,
I'm 20 years old and have been dating this 22 year old guy for about 5 months now. Last month I found out that he's really into porn. I talked to him about it and told him that I really didn't like it, that I kind of consider it as being unfaithful to me. He said he knows it's a problem and he doesn't like that he does it... Today I got curious and decided to look on his computer to see if he'd been looking at it lately and to my dismay found more than I really wanted to. Besides the typical I found animal/female pornography as well. I'm a little shocked and nauseated and can't figured out what to do. I feel as though I can't confront him about it because I was going behind his back and looking on his computer. I know that he would be disappointed in me because of that.
Besides this there are other things he does that make me uncomfortable, like drinking and smoking cigars and swearing. I don't necessarily think some of this stuff is WRONG but it makes me very uncomfortable and I don't think I can put up with it for much longer.
I've been a christian since a very young age and had a lot of values nailed into me my whole life, he on the other hand has only been a christian for a couple of years.
I'm not sure how to handle this situation and almost feel like this is a "breaking point" - not sure I can go on in the relationship but wondering if there's still a chance things could work out.
Someone help me think realistically?

 

[Jonesie]

Well, I'll offer you a guys perspective, maybe that will help. Porn is an addiction. It's just like the beer and cigars that he consumes. His body craves it just the same. Now, that is in now way an excuse, its just an explanation. What he is currently into is very extreme, and not healthy to a relationship. Couple that with his other habits and I don't see much of a reason for you to stay with the guy. If your values are that different, then you weren't a good match to start with. If I were you I'd let things go and find a Christian guy that will share the same values as you and treat you the way that you'd like to be treated. Things will only get worse from here. Get out and don't look back. Good luck.

 

[unkern]

If it were just one issue that he was dealing with id say stay with him, but its alot of issues. I would not recommend dating him any long because the 2 of you are not equally yolked, no one needs to live their life with a ball in chain. However, when the 2 of you are seperated you can help him with his issues. It sounds like to me he needs help now because he's moving into the dangerous stages of pornography.

Pornography is a progression were a man begins to get bored and starts to look for the next thrill, this is very dangerous for even the strongest of men, because many have turned homosexual or rapist from this progression. Get a little alcohol in him with this progression and you might be his first victim.

 

[Sketcher]

Has he talked about quitting attempts, if any with you?

 

[bliz]

Forget the porn for a moment... why are you dating a guy who does things that make you uncomfortable? All that is accomplished is that you become desensitized and soon not feel uncomfortable at all. Is that a desired outcome for you? If not, stop dating him.

 

[mina]

Forget the porn for a moment... why are you dating a guy who does things that make you uncomfortable? All that is accomplished is that you become desensitized and soon not feel uncomfortable at all. Is that a desired outcome for you? If not, stop dating him.

i agree with this. If you can't confront him, then you can't move forward together and work on resolving it. If he's unwilling to resolve these issues then it's going to snowball the problems. If you can't communicate about it, there's no chance for it to get better and it will not just go away on it's own.

 

[ryanb6]

It's time to leave him.

 

[acropolis]

You should dump him if he does so much you don't approve of. He's not going to appreciate any attempts to mold him into whatever it is you want him to be.

 

[xcandiedkiss]

It seems as his addiction is too strong for him to just stop completely. If it really makes you uncomfortable and you do not approve of his habits, I would say it's time to end the relationship. There's plenty of other men out there.

 

[JadeTigress]

First off, I'll just have to agree to disagree with what another poster said. I can believe that a man would rape someone after too much porn (if they have no self control whatsoever), but no one has ever become a homosexual because of porn. It's not possible. Your sexual orientation is your sexual orientation, and watching a few guys make out is not going to change that. The only instance I can see this happening is if the guy is still in the closet, and then decides to come out of the closet, but he was gay the entire time so it's a moot point.

Now, moving on. I have to agree with everyone else. Why are you dating a guy who makes you feel uncomfortable? I doubt that he picked up all those habits that you don't like after he started dating you. So since he was doing this stuff before you started dating him, why date him in the first place?

If you truly like the guy, sit him down and talk, and see what each of you is willing to compromise on. If you both can come to a consensus, fantastic. If not, it's probably time to move on.

 

[sunstruckdream]

It doesn't sound like you share a lot of values with this man...which isn't a good sign. Ever. That's not a relationship I'd want to be in, and my advice is to get out.

 

[Jackee]

If you feel like the changes he needs from you are too drastic and too much of a sacrifice to be made, then you may have to ask yourself if you're right for each other after all. You need to accomodate what he needs, but no man has the right to ask you to change into somebody else. If what's necessary for the relationship to work out is acceptable and reasonable to you, then do your best. If not, remember that there are billions of other men out there and that the odds are good that more than just one in the whole world will be able to make you happy.
*

 

[Blank123]

time to move on and find someone who shares your values

 

[*Kairos]

time to move on and find someone who shares your values

I have to agree with this if he is not making any changes to better himself. One of the mistakes some women make is thinking they can change a man. That's a no-win situation. There are men out there who share your values.

 

[StarCannon]

dude... there's nothing you can do to control his behavior. Trying only makes it worse -- just dump him and move on.

 

[RomanPrincess]

tell him if he doesn't stop all these bad habits then you are prepared to leave him behind.If he stops good if not then be ready to move along.

 

[Zebra1552]

Hi,
I'm 20 years old and have been dating this 22 year old guy for about 5 months now. Last month I found out that he's really into porn. I talked to him about it and told him that I really didn't like it, that I kind of consider it as being unfaithful to me. He said he knows it's a problem and he doesn't like that he does it... Today I got curious and decided to look on his computer to see if he'd been looking at it lately and to my dismay found more than I really wanted to. Besides the typical I found animal/female pornography as well. I'm a little shocked and nauseated and can't figured out what to do. I feel as though I can't confront him about it because I was going behind his back and looking on his computer. I know that he would be disappointed in me because of that.
Besides this there are other things he does that make me uncomfortable, like drinking and smoking cigars and swearing. I don't necessarily think some of this stuff is WRONG but it makes me very uncomfortable and I don't think I can put up with it for much longer.
I've been a christian since a very young age and had a lot of values nailed into me my whole life, he on the other hand has only been a christian for a couple of years.
I'm not sure how to handle this situation and almost feel like this is a "breaking point" - not sure I can go on in the relationship but wondering if there's still a chance things could work out.
Someone help me think realistically?

You need to sit him down and have a talk with him about integrity. If he cannot even refrain from looking at pictures, who's to say he wouldn't walk out on you and and any kids you might have if you get married? Ask him that.

 

[Antje]

It doesn't sound like you share a lot of values with this man...which isn't a good sign. Ever. That's not a relationship I'd want to be in, and my advice is to get out.

This is pretty much what I was going to say.

 

[PINKl0ve376]

eww porn is so gross I dunno how guys can look at it so much.

 

[larry_boy_44]

Hi,
I'm 20 years old and have been dating this 22 year old guy for about 5 months now. Last month I found out that he's really into porn. I talked to him about it and told him that I really didn't like it, that I kind of consider it as being unfaithful to me. He said he knows it's a problem and he doesn't like that he does it... Today I got curious and decided to look on his computer to see if he'd been looking at it lately and to my dismay found more than I really wanted to. Besides the typical I found animal/female pornography as well. I'm a little shocked and nauseated and can't figured out what to do. I feel as though I can't confront him about it because I was going behind his back and looking on his computer. I know that he would be disappointed in me because of that.
Besides this there are other things he does that make me uncomfortable, like drinking and smoking cigars and swearing. I don't necessarily think some of this stuff is WRONG but it makes me very uncomfortable and I don't think I can put up with it for much longer.
I've been a christian since a very young age and had a lot of values nailed into me my whole life, he on the other hand has only been a christian for a couple of years.
I'm not sure how to handle this situation and almost feel like this is a "breaking point" - not sure I can go on in the relationship but wondering if there's still a chance things could work out.
Someone help me think realistically?

reading this...

I feel like you want us to tell you to stick with him and come up with a reason to do it because you like him... Even though you know that you shouldn't be with him...

Is that correct?

There are definately unrealistic demands that people in the world have for what they are looking for in the opposite sex. Wanting a guy who doesn't drink, smoke, swear, and keeps the porn to an absolute minimum (or to nothing at all) is not unrealistic. If those things make you uncomfortable, break up with him. You are not being unrealistic in your demands.